|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
YIPPEE!!! A joke thread. Was wonderin' when 1 of these would show up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Here's my contribution (someone sent it to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ): The Difference between Slow Down and Stop - - - IN HAWAII A tourist in a rental car runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by HPD on a side street in Kahala. The tourist thinks that since he is a high priced lawyer from LA that he is smarter than the police officer and is certain that he has a better education then any cop in Hawaii. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the police officer's expense!! Officer Fa'atai says," License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Officer Fa'atai says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Officer Fa'atai says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Officer Fa'atai says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Officer Fa'atai says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." and the Lawyer does. The officer takes out his nightstick and starts beating the 'crap' out of the lawyer and says, "So wot, brah, you want me stop,or just slow down?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Orchid; 01/14/08 10:05 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959 |
Supposedly a true story...
Cop pulls over a teenaged boy driving well over the speed limit. When safely park at the roadside, the cop saunters up to the driver's side window and says "I've been looking for you all day".
The teenager replies "well, I got here as fast as I could".
Apparently the cop was so astounded and amused by the response, he couldn't give the kid a ticket, and let him go!
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816 |
2long goes 2 his doctor and says: "Doc? I've been having trouble remembering things lately."
Doc says: "Really? How long has this been going on?"
2long: "How long's what been going on?"
-ol' ... um... never mind.
Last edited by 2long; 01/14/08 10:51 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816 |
2long goes 2 his doctor and says: "Doc? I haven't been feeling myself lately."
Doc says: "Yes! And you look much better, 2!"
-ol' 2long
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959 |
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,421
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,421 |
I could prolong this, you know!
ol' Qfwfq has a ways to go to get to 10000!
-ol' Qfwfq
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,177
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,177 |
An Australian soldier serving in Afghanistan feeling alone and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative bloke, he went out and collected from his mates all the spare well thumbed over photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"
W 38ys
H 39 yrs
DS 2 yrs
DD 21 yrs
DS 20 yrs
M nearly 21 yrs
WHO DARES WIN
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
It's: "completely", not " totally".
" and now for something completely different "
Thanks for listening.
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
Well of course you would know that bob...
it was a test for the novices...
a weeding out so to speak..
nudge nudge wink wink say no more....
arkie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
nudge nudge wink wink say no more.... Nasal coffee ejection....
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 1,194
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 1,194 |
hp is not feeling well and goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him and gives him the diagnosis. hp is shocked and concerned. He says to the doctor, "No offense, doc, but I'm going to get a second opinion". Doctor says, "That's fine, son, but the autopsy will prove me correct.".
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,900
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,900 |
I took the liberty of examining this bird once I got 'em home.. only to discover that the only reason he had been sitting on the perch in the first place...
Was.. that 'e 'ad been nailed there!
Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058 |
Doctor! Doctor!
I've been having these feelings of deja vu!
...
...
...
...
...
Doctor! Doctor!
I've been having these feelings of deja vu!
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816 |
Mrs 2long accompanied her husband 2 the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife in2 his office alone. He said, "2long is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love 2 him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months 2 a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, 2long asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going 2 die," she replied.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970 |
{{{{{Markers!}}}}}
{{{{{Markers!}}}}}
Jamesus...that is basically the ONLY Monty Python skit I remember well...well, he's easy to clean up after, what? Thanks for bringing that one to mind...
Seven more posts to go, 2Long...seven more posts to go...you write one down, pass it around...six more posts to go, 2Long!
LA
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816 |
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
A: Bloody big holes all over Australia.
-ol' 2long
7 left until THE END!
Last edited by 2long; 01/15/08 01:34 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093 |
You must be saving them for the good jokes, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816 |
I doubled the value of my 1960 VW singlecab pickup yes2rday.
I filled it with gas.
-ol' 2long
SIX!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816 |
I mean, FIVE! (only now it's 4!).
-ol' 2long
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 204
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 204 |
What a Woman Says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.
"Love the life you live, live the life you love." Bob Marley
BS(me)37
WH(37)
DS1
Dau from prev M 16
Married 4/06
D-day 6/06, again 11/06, again 4/07
Plan A'd all over the place, then
Injunction 10/07, WH moved in with OW
WH has own place 12/07
1/08 Plan B
|
|
|
|
1 members (TALKINGNONSENSE),
453
guests, and
77
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,618
Posts2,323,473
Members71,916
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
