I have read much of advice here and it has been very helpful. The one piece of advice I cannot bring myself to do is expose my wife for her affair. Except for this one thing, my wife has been an extremely wonderful person and always did wonderful things for others in need. While I did not deserve this betrayal, I do have many shortcomings that let to her feeling emotionally empty in our marriage. My wife is very beautiful and has resisted men for years until this one man came into the picture.

Since I recently caught her in lying about her activities, she over a few days came to admit all. She made one attempt to break this off. I then set up an appointment with a therapist since I saw she was clearly in MLC. While this therapist said several good things, she stated it was not reasonable for me to expect zero contact with her lover. Of course when she called him, it was not long before she was seeing him again. She says she is not emotionally ready to end it, but knows it will end. She is trying to wait for circumstances that will make it easier.

For now I think in this case it is best I go with a hybrid of Plan A by trying to provide her with love and lovingly walk her through her thoughts and feelings. Much of it is hurtful to hear, but I am very strong and feel I can always ratchet things up later.

I also know this will end. I know her and she has fully described this person and that is enough for me to know this cannot be permanent. During this time we have had times of bonding and times of helpful discussions that have strengthened her feelings for me and vise-versa. It is difficult to score too many love units here, but in some ways things are working.

The hardest part is the uncertainty of IF this will end; WHEN it will end; IF it will end for good with commitments of no communication; and IF we can build back to where we were in our best years. If I KNEW the outcome, I could be even more patient than I have been. As it is now, I risk more pressure than I should due to my uncertainty.

Hello,

I think you are making a huge mistake. You are allowing and enabling your wife to continue to engage in a sexual and emotional affair. She will become more and more attached to this OM. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting and enabling as you?

She is totally humiliating and disrespecting you and your marriage. Do you really think your wife will respect a spouse who is allowing her to continue to have sex with her lover? I am sorry but you are in a deep fog. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Failure to expose this affairs is absolutely the worst thing you can do. She is and continues to totally disrespect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Read Surviving an Affair immediately.
Prepare to implement Plan A and exposure.
I wish I had done this MONTHS earlier.
It would have ended the Affair sooner.
It would have been easier for WW to get through WD sooner.
It would have sped up the recovery process.
I sure would have been much better off.

She is absolutely not in a position to bargain with you about contact. All Waywards will do this.
Do not believe anything she says.
She must do NC for anything else productive to proceed.

If you are patient and enabling to her you will give her the power to destroy you mentally and emotionally, and she will if you let her.
Listen to the pros on this site. They will help you.
I'm in the midst of trying to salvage what was once an unbelievably great marriage torn to shreds through my wifes actions and my misguided inaction early on.
Please do what you can to establish boundaries and be strong.
Surviving this will be counterintuitive. Do not stray from the advice and MB principles that the vets will share with you.
I'm not one, but there are many here who will help you.
I'm just trying to help you avoid the same mistakes I made early on.
The time is now!

Best of luck.

Thanks for the responses. It is absolutely what I expected and you are probably right. There are other factors I am considering. One is that her reputation is so huge, exposure would be harmful to many. I want to give her some time to turn it around before taking this huge step. There are also other sobering events in our lives right now that will remind her of her duties to her children. I have seen signs that she wants to end it and knows this relationship with the OM is a dead-end.

She cries and cries how she wishes it had never happened and wishes she had the strength now to end it. She hates to hurt me with telling me she is going to see him, but she hates the lying and deceit, too. I know you are advising me not to believe anything she says, but she is a terrible liar and I can always tell the difference. She tells me 99% truth right now.

I don't ask anybody to agree or understand my temporary inaction. I can always pull that trigger, but I cannot un-pull it. This is somebody I will never find an equal to in beauty, inward qualities and talents. I want to grow old with her and I believe this will end sooner than later. The OM has shown himself to be demanding and her little rebellious side will soon buck against that.

I do not generally believe in the full blown, scortched earth exposure that is often advocated here.

However, you are not thinking about this properly. You see, your W is NOT who she is pretending to be right now. She is not the upstanding, helpful, beautiful person you married. She is a liar and an adulteress. That sucks doesn't it? Its hard to hear, hard to know. But, it is real. YOU are protecting her from the reality of her actions. You are allowing her to indulge in her fantasy, while she betrays everything you thought she was, everything she actually WAS, but is not now.

The fact that she isn't all that now doesn't mean she can't become what she was once again. But, YOU are going to have to man up and do what it takes to protect your marriage, your family, and yourself. You are in a fog, just as much as she is. Most of us BS have been there. We've denied, we've made excuses, we've enabled. Once you STOP doing those things and begin to allow the reality of your WW's behavior to smack her in the face, THEN you will start to ALLOW her to struggle to get herself out of the mess she has created. Part of that struggle will involve her coming to realize that she has made mistakes. She can't do that while you are protecting her from the truth.

You will get there, soon I bet.

I, too, think you are making a huge mistake by allowing your wife to do this. Just think about how selfish her actions are, and you are enabling her. This course of action has no good end. If you want your marriage to survive you have to fight for it now, not roll over and "accept" it.

Is this other man married? If so, call his wife and inform her with proof of the A. She can be a powerful ally in breaking up the A. When this affair ends, your wife will remember how you acted during this time, and if you were a doormat, its unlikely she will want you back.

Sorry for the 2x4, but after reading countless stories on here, you need a dose of truth. Expose this!

I'm with the others - you are taking this far too lightly and are allowing the affair to continue.

Maybe you need to think of it in these harsh terms - you are allowing your wife to have sex with another. And you find that acceptable?

It's nice to have good motives, but you are sending your Good Ship "Wife" out into a hurricane (OM) that she obviously is unable to navigate. YOU need to be strong in her weakness. That is how good marriages work.

It's time to fight, man, not sit back. Now. Stop rationalizing.

All,

Thanks for more input on my situation. No the other guy is not married. As for my situation, there are very extenuating circumstances that make me hesitate to pull the trigger.

First, I made a very bad financial decision some years back that we are still paying for today. She has had to work hard and in some very rotten environments among people that were supposed to be Christians. These were worst than any secular environment I ever worked in - including my blue collar years. In my eagerness to make up for this mistake I spent much time and attention at work to get ahead and recover. Many challenges in life left me in a position where I did not meet her needs. This does not excuse her infidelity, I feel quite badly for leaving her in a vulnerable position.

Second, I know my wife well. I know beyond doubt that if I expose her she will take one of two courses: immediate divorce or suicide. While she is not really suicidal right now, she continuously speaks of this as the only way out since she finds it hard to choose one of us over the other. She had determined to leave me until I found out about the affair. She began to realize her deep love for me again when she saw how much this hurt me. This is the woman I want to share the rest of my life with. I can always choose to pull the exposure trigger, but while there is hope I choose to wait.

Third, there are many people that my wife has worked with over the years to help and develop and build up. There is one very fragile and impressionable young lady right now that she is helping. This exposure would not only ruin my wife's good reputation, but would put many of these young people at a huge risk.

Fourth, we have spoken extensively about the other man. While he has quite an exciting resume and life experiences that helped attract her to him, I know without doubt this is not a man she can live with. He is a self-centered, self-absorbed, demanding, control freak. He has no problems eyeballing other women and verbalizing appreciation of what he sees while they are together. He has had quite a list of sexual experiences including frequent visits to strip clubs with lap dances and favors - all things she would have never tolerated in me (and I would not have done). She has already recognized that she cannot live with such a person. She has to get past the idea that she is going to be the one to change him.

Fifth, the special circumstances of my children make it quite risky to expose their mother for what she is doing. They do not know. My oldest is in the service and would take our breakup quite hard. My youngest recently went into a drug rehabilitation facility. I have high hopes that this first visit will help him end the drug problem we just found out about. I fear that the selfish actions of my wife if I expose her will have a very negative impact on my son. While she should be thinking of her son, I have to in her absence.

I don't expect people to understand. No, I do not find her actions acceptable. The pain I am bearing on a daily basis is so huge. Combined with my worries about my son, I do not know how I bear it. I believe time is on my side, not the OM. I have other people to worry about. I have my son to worry about. I have my hopes and dreams I am not ready to see crash and burn. I want to look back years from now if I do indeed lose her and know I did all I could to keep her within all of the factors I had to consider. If she decides to leave me for him, I will definitely move to exposure. Right now I believe my hands are tied.

SBS,

You don't expect people here, on MB, in GQII, to understand...when we've walked in your shoes...made a lot of the same choices...wrestled exposure, NC, and through recovery.

It's reasonable to expect we would.

What I see as your choice is acting from truth or not. Sounds like you've had a lot of serving self-images in your family rather than actual intimacy...knowing and being known for the all of yourselves...shortcomings, triumphs, talents and weaknesses. Like most marriages in their second phases...struggling to know real selves...not images.

Exposure is sharing the truth of actions...it's bringing reality. Often, we don't want to do so because then the truth of our own actions must be shown. We do it, anyway, because we change the premise of our lives...we hold ourselves to acting from respect, truth and love...for they are a part of each other.

Then our life experience becomes one of respect, truth and love. That's how it works. Shielding your children from knowing how their parents acted, the truth of their actions, isn't intimate or real, is it?

All of it feeds into another...because we are a family unit...everyone is affected...and it's terribly hard not knowing what's affecting us...can feel like we're crazy when we perceive and don't know the truth.

You made a choice years ago and the consequences of it continue...not in your control. Your acceptance that you didn't continue to make similar choices is as valid as accepting you cannot change what you did. Period.

Your choice to believe because of your choice you made your WW vulnerable, work in environments to her detriment, is full of disrespect for HER choices. Respect she chose...you could not make her. Same for you...you saw where your focus was, what you made your top priority and the consequences of it.

Do it right now...make your marriage your top priority. Respect she's always had the power, the responsibility, for her choices...every step of the way...and so have you.

You say you know your wife well...so you know she would have an A, would lie, attack your marriage and betray her vows to you...put another person ahead of her marriage.

I suggest you do not know your WW in a real way...more through image...her looks, her acts of compassion, love of decency and generosity. You have not acknowledged her acts of cruelty, resentment, lack of respect or entitlement.

Nor does she know you, either.

Or know yourselves past your own images. Through the infidelity, you can discover, know and share who you really are with one another...and you cannot do that when you choose to go along, as Tyk said, with her fantasy.

Only you can bring reality...and have a real marriage.

Gimble said it best "An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect." We much self-deceive through these very things to go wayward...and self-deception is the hardest thing for us to face, to know, and to not allow in ourselves.

Face yours here...where you are in the habit of acting for the outcome instead of from your own code...holding yourself to your own boundaries around yourself...for you said your WW did a good job of holding to her boundaries until she chose not to...

I'm posting to you from my own experience...when my BH waited out my last A...and a counselor said pretty much the same thing to him...said him not meeting my needs caused me to do this...very harmful and detrimental. Act for your marriage...bring reality...and I promise you, your entire family will benefit from knowing the truth.

Do not betray your WW by standing in shadow...my BH did because he didn't want others to see him as a sap...which left no opportunity for the truth to tell him he wasn't a sap...couldn't be one...no matter what others might or might not think. He didn't stand for his marriage. He didn't live from truth...that, too, has consequences which come years and years later, also.

Exposure isn't retaliation...waiting until she leaves...delaying the truth is lying by omission. Exposure isn't to manipulate an outcome...it's to know and live from the truth of the choice of our actions. Contact continues the A.

LA

If you have read these boards for years you would know these facts.

That WW's threaten divorce and suicide if you were to expose them. It's only WW lies to get you to wimp down and let them continue the affair.

That if BS's do not expose the affair it continues until the WS loses all respect for their BS and leaves their marriage to divorce and live with the OP.

That exposure is the only tool that can end the affair.

There is no guarantee that once exposure happens that a WS will come back to the marriage, but recovery can not be attempted while there is contact with her OM.

Why are you going against years of repeated good marriagebuilders results?

Why are using excuses as to why your case is unique?

Exposure is supposed to make the WS very uncomfortable. That is how it is effective at ending affairs.

Expose! End her affair.

The threat of divorce came before I even knew of the affair. The expression of suicidal thoughts came without any threat of exposure on my part. I have only known of the short affair for 3 weeks - D-DAY 12/27/07. The Monday after (12/31) she broke it off in an ineffective way and communication resumed after a week. She has attempted to break it off 4 times before discovery and 2 times after. I believe she will do the right thing here and I am giving her time to do just that. She now knows that if she determines to leave me for the OM, exposure will happen. I am moving toward taking this step, but only after exhausting other options. You guys are great and very helpful. In this one area I am postponing taking your advice for the reasons I listed. The OM is losing patience that she is not divorcing me and I believe the tide is turning. There is no way she will initiate a divorce against me for the next month my son is in rehab and would likely not drop that bomb on my son for months to come. I believe within 2 weeks this will end. I have been priming her for the no contact approach. That will be my next battle.

"she broke it off in an ineffective way and communication resumed after a week. She has attempted to break it off 4 times before discovery and 2 times after....
She now knows that if she determines to leave me for the OM, exposure will happen"

You have ignored common knowledge that if you warn that you will use exposure the WW will find ways to keep pretending to end the affair to placate you. That is what these failed attempts at NC are. To keep you from exposing and keep you inline under her control.

strong
1. Remember YOU are controller in what you do in thsi situation.. NOT anyone on this website...so LISTEN,,THINK and then YOU do what is best as you see it.
2. Get some STRAIGHT answers from your thearpist.. go alone and ask her.. what she REAALY thinks...about ypur wifes situation... and get another OPINION if you get psychbabble
Its hard for a MAN to grapse how ADDICTED wives can get to OM and to the affair..
3. make sure your wife is Biochemically OK..if she is depressed or BI polar or soemthing else.. where her biochemistry is OFF...well you cant REASON her out of stuff..just like you cant TALK a drunk ...sober..
get some competent advice on what your dealing with
jerseyboy
ps.. how OLD is she

Hi SadButStrong,

One thing I've learned in life is that...

One cannot simultaneously
do the right thing
AND
control the outcome.

It's impossible.

-AD

But, on the other hand, I don't think "the right thing" is perfectly clear in your case. It is your choice to expose or not to expose.

And no matter what choice is made, in general, one can't control the outcome at all.

About the secondary effects:

If you are concerned about young people who are under the influence of your wife, consider the possibility that they are not completely oblivious to what is going on. Young people can be very perceptive. Further, the effects of exposure that you fear are not really the effects of exposure, but the effects of your wife's dishonorable behaviour. My guess is those young people will eventually know about it - and you will not be able to control the effect it has on them.

I'm divorced - about 2.5 years ago. I didn't do much in the way of exposure. My child has to go back and forth between homes. XW married the OM. My child lives most of the time with two "adults" who have behaved dishonorably and are unrepentant of that. Perhaps if I had employed the "scorched earth" approach, the outcome would have been different.

-AD

T/J - Great to see you again, AD...wanted to that when I saw you on 2Long's fanfare thread...feel like an update at all?

SBS - What else are you doing in your Plan A?

LA