this might only make sense to those that know my story enough.

i'm just feeling angry right now and i thought i'ld let it out here, maybe get a 2x4 or two in order to knock off my gripping....

i'm helping a friend right now, who told me last wed night that her DH had (and is still) cheating on her. loves her and the OW. she was told at the end of dec. very fresh news...

but this post is about me, not her.

one comment she made when i asked what sort of sleeping arrangements have been occuring was that they have had great sex lately. "make up sex" she called it. which is actually not even accurate since he is sitting on the fence.

but i also recall so many other stories of the same sort of thing occuring with other couples shortly after d-day.

and i'm mad cuz that never happened here.

and i'm so putting myself out there for those members that think poorly of me to just have a field day with this one.

but i'm also hoping for others that either remember or can relate.

how come my BH didn't respond that way? yeah he wanted sex, but not intercourse.

he wants the marriage but doesn't really seem to want to recover.

so that's my vent...

now i'm going to pick him up from the airport.

not everyone reacts the same way. Perhaps he is repulsed by the horrible things you did...which would be understandable...right?

MEDC, you have such a way with words, it cracks me up!

thanks medc, you too free.

give him time. it really is tough to overcome that stuff.

FL,

I think you answered the question yourself.
Plus, if I recall even before your A's he wasn't that into it.

And make up sex is usually done by the person how failed the marriage, it does not mean the BS wants it or needs it.

I do think each situation is different and to compare yours with someone else especially one where the A is ongoing does yourself no favors nor is it useful.

Just thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL (i'm glad you are still around)

anger turned into sadness right after i wrote this and took off for the airport. i think i'm just overly emotional right now given what is happening with my gf and (well, it's that time of the month right now).

i gave him a warm welcome and a foot rub once home. the job he was on required him to walk a lot and besides, he just loves foot rubs any day.

i was quiet and i think he noticed but we didn't talk about it.

we went to bed early together, usually if i go to bed before midnight, it's on my own. he was either tired from the trip or maybe he just wanted to go with me given my quietness, maybe he knew i needed the cuddle time.

so i'm ok today, although maybe still a bit blue, but i'll work thru it.

you said "Plus, if I recall even before your A's he wasn't that into it." well, what do you call "before"? before he really knew or before they occured? cuz if you recall, the first one was while engaged so....

i just really hate how badly i screwed up my life. not to mention how i lived with the early stuff so ignorantly. i mean i really conned myself back then into forgetting it all. i had NO nudges to confess or anything.

not till my dad got sick and my life derailed and i fell apart so bad.

not until i found you guys.

i think i must be going thru stages myself. i much more sad about the earlier stuff now.

RIF says keeps telling me i'm not the same woman that i used to be and to leave it in the past now. (of course he also chooses to post else where to me cuz he didn't want to get into it with the negative posters. what a sad testomony about this degredation of this board).

anyway, i don't know i'm just rambling. time to get the kids up.

medc - just to be clear, my thank you was not sincere. i prefer you don't post to me as i don't believe you have any positive intention towards me.

of course this is a public board and you have free will so i can't make you not post.

but just so you know, no good comes from your posts to me. the only positive you can give me is to leave me alone. i'm not looking to harm you only repair my marriage.

now what will you choose, to post more or to just leave me alone??

show me i might be just a tiny bit wrong about you by not posting.

hey JL, i closed with out thanking you. they were good thoughts to consider. especially about comparing. each case in indeed different. and ya know, it really only has been a few months over 3yrs. there is still time for more recovery.

and honestly, if i look at everything (something that is just harder to do when i'm feeling blue). DH is truely is more connected now then he was historically. so that is good.

FLTH,

It sounds like you are having a pity party. I use to have them all the time, too.

To move past how you are feeling you have to get to acceptance. Acceptance of who you were vs who you are now. That will help with the pity party stuff.

In regard to your H you need decide what you are willing to accept. He may never be the way you want him to be. Can you accept that?

I would suggest using the ignore feature vs telling people not to post to you. Save yourself the aggravation and use the feature.

You cannnot control who posts to you, but you can control what you choose to read.

LC

There you go! Look at the positives, not focus on the negatives. (something else I was guilty of).

Life is so much better to look at when you are looking for the good vs the bad.

LC

FLT2H,
Forgive me if you thought I was siding with MEDC in his thoughts about your situation. Just so we're clear, I was shocked by what he wrote when you were reaching out. It was a statement as to his big cahunas.
Tone, etc can't be determined sometimes, but I would never bash any WS who is in repentance. I mean, aren't I praying right now for my WH to be like you? If I could only be so blessed.

My response is supportive. It just isn't all candy coated. A BS often times is repulsed by what the WS has done. many have a tough time being physical with their spouse again. A WS that has chosen to give herself to another sexually...and in this case several others, really SHOULD understand those feelings.

In addition, it is a bit odd to hear a FWS complain that her BH is not getting over the rape of his emotions quick enough to give someone make up sex. I just think when you have done the most horrible thing in the world to someone, you should be grateful for what they ARE giving you and not mad that you are NOT getting what some others have gotten.

This is a FWW...by some definitions a former serial cheater...I think her BH deserves as much time as he needs to process what has happened to him.

Now, at the posters request, I will happily leave this thread and not post to her any longer.

hey Free, thanks for explaining that. you are right, without hearing your tone and since it was literally the first post i think i have read of yours i thought you really did enjoy his post. and well, that was making me form a view of you that would of been very wrong.

LC, so you think that is what i'm doing, having a pity party? you could be right.

today is turning out to be much better now.

here is a HUGE positive. As of Jan 1, I am working part-time, 30 hrs instead of full time.

today i got to do the mom thing WITHOUT being in a huge rush to get myself out the door too. both kids (as well as DH cuz he got up too), had warm healthy breakfasts before going off to school. both taylored to their own preferences which of course are very different. all done without stress caused by not enough time!!

dishes were cleaned up and dishwasher was started so the
kitchen looked good before i left.

i've been doing a lot of organizing and cleaning with my extra time which really started just before the holidays because i was on vacation a few days before the kids vacation started.

i've been able to do deep cleaning of the upstairs bathroom getting rid of all old or just unused things leaving enough room to organize the stuff we really do use.

i gave the downstairs bathroom a fresh look by painting it and getting new towels and a rug. it didn't really take that long and DH even went shopping with me to pick out the color and stuff.

it feels wonderful to be able to do home stuff something that i just couldn't due while working so many hours.

of course, we are in a bit of a lull at work too. in feb things will get busy again and i fear my 30hrs will creep back up as more things get thrown at me. i mean, while full time, 40hrs was really more like 60hrs. i'm going to have to work hard to not let that happen. i don't care if the 3 days i go in turn into 12 hrs days as long as i can keep the other 2 days 95% work free.

hmmm, i'm rambling again but at least it is about a positive <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well at least MEDC did clarify that it does take a BS some time to get over the hurt. He just threw in the other part of what he was thinking, too. His bitterness will recede in time. All of the BS's on here are coping in their own way. Remember: hurting people hurt others.

Have you asked your BS point blank what you could do to help him feel more comfortable?

Good job on getting organized. It helps me to sleep better when my house is not cluttered!

Finally,

It's good to see that their are people like you, who are sincerely sorry for what they have done. That is a HUGE step in the right direction. My ex, sadly, if you caught her in bed with another would try to convince you that is was you who was cheating! Never did she apologized or even feel bad.

Yep, that one was easy to read - narcissist!

busy day here but i am feeling much much better.

i do see in my a much better ability to do 2 things that i was not able to do before.

1. have my feelings completely rule my life, now although i still have difficult feelings at times, i am able to constantly remind myself they are just feelings, they won't kill me and they will pass!!

2. have things in mind that i can do for myself to help myself feel better.

LC, you asked if i could accept my husband as is.. .the answer is yes.

SetYouFree... i am very sorry for your pain.

Good. My advice is to learn to focus on what he does do vs what he doesn't.

I'm also glad you weren't offended when I said I thought you were having a pity party. I didn't mean it in a mean way, just as I saw it.

It's really easy to feel sorry for ourselves when things aren't just so or going the way we expect they should. I'm not referring to only recovery, but every aspect of life.

LC

good advice LC and no, not offended at all. honestly you were right.

i say it is anger (and by the way, that is mostly directed to myself or just the situation, not really directly towards DH, that probably didn't come across) or sadness that i am feeling but when you look at it closely it really does have pity at the root. you are right.

*** edited to take out the stuff about medc because that is NOT what i am here for.

FLT,

I saw you on nottoday's thread...and wished you would post...and voila...you did.

I'm just that powerful, huh?

Anyway...I totally agree with LC...and wanted to suggest another facet...would you be learning to grieve with awareness? I'm thinking of your time line...where you are now...and if you consider humans grieve what happens that they wished didn't, and what doesn't happen that they wished did...

LA