My wife abandoned our marriage emotionally maybe 6-7 years ago, filling her emotional needs with a woman friend that became like a marriage. I knew I was coming home to a house, not a home with her. She ended up saying she should have left me long ago, but we had a good marriage, enjoyed our children, I worked constantly, often at home, we homeschooled, ate meals together constantly, prayed before bed together.
She ignored and discredited everything that was good, and celebrated my faults, or made them up, or twisted the truth to justify herself. This was not like the woman she had been, or she really hid it well.
I did have some good motives as well as perhaps some insecure motives for choosing such a family/close knit lifestyle, but it seems outside influences, the attitude women have about freedom, ( I thought freedom was what you could enjoy together when you had time and resources after goals are achieved, etc...) not just the perogative to "do whatever you want". We have 8 kids, so it was constant pressure.
I still have problems seeing my fault, maybe because it doesn't matter, she expressed not interest in reconciling. It's that very indifference that got to me, so should I recongnize my fault in not tolerating indifference, not confronting it indefinitely, while my primary relationship expresses remarkable infatuation and motivation in spending time with someone else, or anyone for any reason. Should i accept that I am just undesirable, unlovable, unforgivable.
I admit, the silence from her, which I think is a control thing, has almost killed me. To me it's more abusive than words or physical abuse. Entitled abandonment, such as I've experienced throughout my life in growing up, a mother persuing a career, descrediting my father. We had a wonderful secure family, I cannot believe the deliberateness and contrast to her attitude. She simply began collecting (often provoking) ther responses she needed to go on with her life, as if i was an idiot and didn't know in my gut what she was doing. On a few occaisions, it became physical on my part, briefly, I had an attitude, as she provoked me, insulted my manhood, in earshot of the kids, compared me to other, I assume "alpha males". I thought, I'll give her what she wants to finish what she started, and indeed it was, she exploited the incidences and was smug and arrogant, for me it was a mini suicide, I don't think normally I am abusive, or would want to be, months later, this was not the problem, we simply "didn't have anything in common" now, she found her freedom and perhaps was going to allow me to get over my guilt for the actions she had a huge part in provoking. It's very difficult to point out the extent of her abuse, and the fact that it was ongoing, deliberate, and accumulated, with an intention to end a relationship, as my breif reactions were instinctive, out of depression, greif, rejection that I could not comprehend. After many years of separation, I have punished myself for those brief actions, but the pain behind them has only grown as I realize the betrayal, and you'd have to know the life we had to see the contrast. For example, now she says I kept her pregnant all those years. Without going into the dynamics of our communication that led to conceptions, we had a lot of "mojo" and were doing what a marriage counselor might tell you to do if you wanted to spice up your sex life, we communicated to each other all day. That is only a slice of how she has re-defined the history of our marriage.
So I rant, I'm trying now to overcome the punishing effects of longterm depression, and have finally had some relief in taking supplements and exercise. But still, I must have an iron will, I consider, what would it take to save this family, and restore this marriage, all me aside, what would it take, is it possible. At one point she said she was sorry for hurting me, I took the chance to say how it was she did,, and I heard no response, so I don't even know what she meant. She has celebrated her new life, I've greived 24/7.
I need some sense, and offers appreciated.

By no means. Divorce doesn't mean that. Even if your past actions were some of those, you can change your present.

How old are you and your kids (i.e., range)? And what custody/visitation do you have with them? It seems to me that if your XW cares about the kids well being, that might be one of the strongest ties you have left with her.

Research shows that children suffer significantly from divorce. You've got 8 strong reasons to see if reconciliation is possible. I'll leave out any joke about child support.

Have you read the Basic Concepts here? Since your W was unhappy in the M, what ENs of hers weren't getting met? And what LBs do you have problems with?

You mentioned some physical abuse. If you haven't already made a profuse apology and attempted to make ammends, that is something you should consider. That is, if you really are sorry. BTW, an actual apology of this to your ex should involve expressions of how what *you* did was wrong and that she did not deserve it and basically you failed. It shouldn't detail the context (any provocation on her part); that's a different matter.

If you think she was abusive to you in some way, you really ought to try and understand that and learn to articulate it. At least to yourself. Any such pattern will impact this relationship and any future ones you might be in.

I didn't understand the role of your W's friend. Marriage is fundamentally a relationship for two. It sounds like the friendship was hurting the M. Is that right?

Is reconciliation post-divorce possible. Sure. Likely? Maybe not. Likely without change? No. Going to happen in the short-term? No. How badly do you want it?

- WG