Improve ourselves so our WS is supposed to wanna come back into the marriage and leave their OP? Try and forget what they did to us? Stop the LB so they won`t leave us? Pretend that what they did is OK? For what? So they can say oh heck I got away away with it and he/she forgave me why not do it again. I`ll be forgiven again.

You won`t forget, it still eats at you nite after nite year after year. You look at the one you gave up your life for knowing at any time they will and can do it again. You say they have to earn trust who in the heck are we kidding? OURSELVES is all. We can apply this apply that so what!!! They are what they are CHEATERS, LIARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a lot more to it than that.

Read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair", and read as many of the threads over on General Questions II as you can.

Affairs are very ordinary and nearly identical, one to another. Doing what is necessary to save a marriage is pretty counterintuitive. By reading a ton here, you will see how things work, most of the time.

But if you are looking for an easy way "out" of being caught up in a marriage damaged by infidelity, I can tell you this, there is no "easy" button.

best wishes,
sd

I would love an "easy button" but Shattered is right, there isn't one. Divorce sucks and surviving an affair sucks. Two hard roads to travel. You need to think about where you want to get to, and take that road. I had 4 kids, loved my WH, had invested 23 years, knew we had problems, was even unhappy myself when H announced he had an A. It's been two years since D-Day, we have really great weeks, i have days i'm happier than ever, then days where i think "it took an A to get him to appreciate our M enough to be present" and go into self pity, depression, and rage. My H has shown me day after day that he is sorry, willing to take anything i dish out, he is now here for me, and looking back, he never was really.

I have the M i always wanted, only it's littered with bad weeks where i'm hurting like ******, but we're believing the pain will lessen every day, til gone. It's a very hard road to recover M but i say take a good long look at the road of some divorced friends of yours first, it's not easy, especially if there are kids. Mixed families are next to impossible, can be torture, just like recovering is torture. My H is helping me recover, he's making so much effort to love me i turn to him in my pain.

Early after Betrayal it's hard to imagine starting R because of the shock. If you want your M you should implement Plan A, and then B, just like they teach, it works. Read Surviving An Affair. Life saving book! You need to understand what you're up against, your H isn't himself since starting A, you can bring him out of his fog if you know how.

Check out the roads, what have you got to lose by trying to save M? You can be happy in knowing OW doesn't win at least, huh? Do it to make sure she loses, then as you learn and read and get time to think straight you can decide if you want him. Get him past her, she deserves to lose too, feel the pain she has caused others. This helped me early on, even though not endorsed by MBs.
Best of Life to you!
God's Best!

Healing by Choices

If you really love them you do,if you dont love them you dont,its that simple,and if you dont love them why were you with them in the first place. Nobody makes you do things, you have to want to do them and then be willing to take all the crap that comes with it no matter how long it takes or how bad it is. I was the meanest S.O.B for years and years to my family, it was my way or the f***ing highway, why she stayed god knows I would have left me years ago,as SD says there's a lot more to it than that and I could fill a book.
If you love them its more than worth it,but thats just me.
I wish all your wants come true.

No BS in their right mind would want a WS in their lives. The WS is an enemy of the family unit. The Ws is not a good friend, spouse or parent.

What the BS does is a good plan A where the BS learns to make improvements for the BS' benefit. Often the WS gets wind of those improvements and often comments on it. That subtle notice makes a deep impression even through the fog.

For plan A to work while the Ws is still a WS, then plan B s/b implemented so the BS can retain what love is left. Plan B is for the benefit of the BS and family, NOT the WS.

One's mind and heart s/b in sync before plan B is executed.

Read SAA (Harley) & LMBT (Dobson).

L.

Tee,
I remember your story from a few months back. It sounds like you are going through an angry stage. Where are you and your WH at in your marriage now? Has he gone back to court on the solicitation charges?
You said:


Has he been open and honest about any and all affairs he has had during your marriage? Until you have closure and feel confident that you know everything you can never fully recover.