okay, here is the long and short of it.....(mostly the long, sorry!)

I have been married for 5.5 yrs, we have 2 children together (ages 4 and 2) and I have 2 children from a previous marriage (ages 14 and 12).

I have always taken care of the finances, although I have been begging him to help me, or just look at them with me etc...he never has and I haven't pushed the issue. My hubby has a lot of health probs (anxiety, polycystic kidney disease, cysts on his brain stem, enlarged aorta, high blood pressure, and more) and due to his health issues he gets anxious very easy, and often times will get depressed. Anyhow, I have always been fairly efficient with the finances until the past 2 yrs or so and really sloppy the past 6 mos. I will pay stuff, forget I paid it, not remember to pay it etc... I have a lot of stress with 4 children (the 4 yr old with polycystic kidney disease also) and I worry a lot about my hubby. I am extremely forgetful, I think partly due to stress and partly due to my untreated diabetes and partly due to the 'fix it forget it', time to move on to the next crisis syndrome.

Here's the problem....I wrote a check out of his business account, way back in sept...didn't mention it to him because I didn't want to burden him with finances on top of the health probs he was having at the immediate time. we were trying to close out the business acct and waiting on the last check to clear... it didn't clear because of my check i wrote in sept. today he got a copy of the check and showed it to me, my heart sank...he said "here's the reason the check didn't clear, AND you forged my signature" I didn't know what to say other than "Oh crap, I totally forgot about writing that check".

So we basically didn't talk the rest of the nite, I was getting ready for bed when I ran across a note he wrote to me on the bottom of the copy of the check...it basically said, his first instinct was divorce, but he knew that wasn't the right thing to do, and that basically he doesn't believe i forgot, he thinks i am just hiding stuff, because i 'forget' all the time. I know he is disgusted with me, I am disgusted with me, ashamed, disappointed and most of all scared...i don't know what to say to him, i wrote him a note saying that i hoped he could forgive me...and that I should have come to him with the finances long before now instead of handing them over to him in such a mess. It is not like this is my first screw up...I bounce checks on a regular basis (they get paid by the bank but with a $25 fee) because of my lack of organization and just not taking the time to really sit down and figure out where we are in the checkbook and the balances.

anyone with any advice out there please speak up, it would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry if this makes little to no sense, I am exhausted from crying, thinking, crying some more and I am sick with I think the flu to top it all off.

Shame is a tough gig...has fear in it...sitting in the middle...and they weigh a ton.

Descends like night, doesn't it? Ever feel like you set yourself up for shame? For shaming?

Forgetting is interesting...because it reflects what we prize most...and when I have become forgetful...for the factors you mentioned...going crisis to crisis (even tiny ones with kids) which is like improperly processing stress, and though no diabetes...my trigger was depression adding into the mix.

Actually sounds like finances are not your highest priority...being broke isn't what you fear most...and I say this as awareness...which is great...because it sounds like losing your family is your greatest fear.

Solid priority, IMO...

Now...how about passive-aggressive stuff? Plays into our Giver and Taker...seems to me that you took on the finances by default...not from desire...not from fear...more from love...an act of love...and now it sounds like you're handing it back over to H, regardless of the reasons you were taking care of finances in the first place...all those same things are in play right now, aren't they? His health, your responsibilities...

So what changed? Could it be that the original reasons weren't real reasons? Have you ever "forgotten" because though you agreed to do something...you really didn't agree...you just didn't say "no" because the question became rhetorical? So we say we do and not do...'cuz we shouldn't have to do it all...manage his feelings, his health, his stress...when we aren't handling our own?

I offer this because this issue isn't about the finances...has to do with healthy boundary and boundary enforcements...radical honesty...the rule of care and policy of joint agreement...and not doing that which you will resent.

Period.

I read your previous post from this summer...reminded me of when I read "Between Parent and Child" by Eincott...and how much that affected my marriage and all of my relationships.

We can learn and grow...and still fall back into patterns of resentment...that signal that tells us we are expecting something, maybe hidden from ourselves, and we can build that resentment into entitlement...innocent forgetting...and not respect how able, capable others are...and we are...

You're gonna be loved even if you don't do it all...you're gonna be loved if you allow others to do for you...you can lean in this life...and be cherished for doing so.

And there are tools...like Quicken...where to sort it out, you enter it all...and you do it together...so that reconciling takes five minutes per account...and you free yourself from resentment, feel deep gratitude and joy, for how blessed you are...and what a blessing you are...as is. Before a word is spoken or an action taken--you are.

LA

PS...Remember...no puking on responses (if it's that kinda flu)

lovinganyway,

thanks so much for your wisdom. What you said really made sense to me, and you are right, finances are not my priority, my family and marriage are more important to me. I am learning to tell him things that aren't exactly what he wants to hear, and although he may get angry, that is okay, and I told him that was okay, but that I was just being 'radically honest'. There still seems to be quite a bit of tension between the two of us, however there are also some other issues at hand now.

We are Catholic and my husband is/was a cradle Catholic, I became Catholic about 6 yrs ago, and also had my two older children baptized Catholic. over the past 7-8 mos he has been attending a southern baptist church because he wanted to learn more about the Bible. This I understand, because my family is Baptist, although i was never baptized my grandmother was a devout southern baptist and taught me quite a lot about the Bible. I made my decision on denomination as a 32 yr old adult, and he never got to make that decision, it was made for him. I understand his desire to learn more about the Bible, I have that same desire and although i love the tradition behind the Catholic Mass I too crave that direct knowledge of the Bible.

anyways, since all of this has come down over the past few weeks my husband has decided to join the Baptist Church. I have very mixed emotions about this. We had previously talked and I told him in November that I would support him 100% in his faith journey, but that I didn't want him to pressure me into the Baptist church nor did i want the children to be brought up baptist. I didn't have a problem with us as a family attending both churches but I didn't want any pressure from him. Low and behold, last weekend when he made his formal announcement in front of the congregation that he was saved and joining the baptist church he was annooyed with me because i wouldn't go up there with him and join also. UUGH.....I sometimes feel like I am talking and NO ONE is listening. Never the less, he proceeds to sign me up for some women's christian bible study that meets on Monday nites (this past monday's meeting just so happened to be my oldest daughters birthday). I wasn't going anyways, i asked him not to pressure me or make me feel like i was obligated to join just because he did, he over stepped his boundries!!

I could go on and on and on, however I am still feeling poorly and am now thinking i might have strep throat (as if we haven't had enough illness this past month in our household). I guess what i am saying is if anyone has ANY suggestions please give them, they will be very appreciated. I feel like my whole life and marriage is in this big blender and someone forgot to turn it off and we are just going in circles on high speed!!