Caught my husband having an affair for years while here in the states and internet while he was deployed in Iraq. I at home, took care of everything - young children, home, his soldiers families - while he was getting the love that was missing in our relationship from another. While he was gone, I was the model wife - lost 25 pounds and bought 4 inch heals for his return I couldn't wait to have the man I love back in my arms. He wants to go with her but is so torn that he is crying every minute. Our love died because we let it - work, children, life - got in the way. We have both been lonely for years. He, without coming to me to communicate his feelings, found it in another's arms. I now realize how empty our love life has been. I am lonely too - I just didn't see it. We have been married 14 years and known each other for 17. We both said this morning that each other is all that we know. He plans to go, do I let him? It is not like I have a choice right now. He has made his decision. If he does want to work it out, can I ever trust him again? He is actively seeing her everyday. How can I survive this?

Hi sallyg!

Welcome to MB. To answer your question, YES!

It's not easy and it doesn't happen overnight, but it is possible to rebuild your M.

Have you read the articles here on the MB website and gotten familiar with some of the terms? If not, then start reading and let us know if you have any questions.

I would say that one of the first things that you need to do is to expose the A... You guys can't start rebuilding until the A is over and NC (No Contact) is in place.

Semper Fi,

RIF

have you exposed the affair to friends and family

what about the military...there are many here who have used the military to expose...

is she married..

who is she...
some cases do warrant you contacting the ow

have you seen a lawyer to establish boundaries for the children and exposure to strangers....

etc
etc
ark

The fact that he is so openly revealing to you that he is 'torn' is IMHO a good sign. And even if he manages at some point to put on a cold, 'got my mind made up', performance that he's chosen her and that it's 'over' with you, don't forget for a nanosecond how emotionally ambivalent he really is, OK?

Up to now their adultery was able to continue unfettered by reality... but that 'honeymoon' stage of their adultery is over now. They will probably try in vain to get things back the way it was in the beginning but that never works.

BTW, how is she still able to be in contact with him? She came back from overseas with him? Is she in the military too? Or is she just visiting here and he is plannign to move away to be with her?

I'm assuming you are still in Plan A... Who have you exposed the adultery to so far?

I called her - asked if she wanted to talk with me. She hung up. I called again. She said, "he doesn't need this stress right now (post trama from Iraq)." and hung up again. Funny, isn't she the one that is causing the excess stress? We could work on repairing the relationship if she was not in the picture. We both now realize that we let life, kids work get in our way and we lost the romance-this is our fault but she is in the way of fixing things. I called her again - I asked if she likes fooling around with married men. She hung up again. I went downstairs to my husband and told him that I spoke with her-and I was surprised. She doesn't sound like his type - the accent was something that he often looks down on. Oh well. Not my problem anymore. I dont think she was in the military. I think he met her before he left and they have been having an internet affair for 1.5 years. I will let him go - he needs to figure out him. I can't continue in this destructive relationship. It is not good for me or our young children (ages 3 & 8). I have decided not to keep the affair a secret because I am hurting so bad I need support-my family and friends are there for me right now. I told his family. Now he has to decide what he wants. I can not be a doormat anymore. I again asked him today if he wanted to make it work. He said that he needed space (and probably the affair). I told him tonight that I am more like a mother than a lover to him. I deserve more than that.

Sally:

You are doing and saying some of the right things. You do not ever deserve to be treated as a doormat. The decision on whether or not to try and rebuild this marriage is yours and yours alone. He made the choice to allow this other person in your marriage, not you. If you do decide to let him walk or kick him to the curb, no one can blame you...but, are you ready to do that or just ready to give up the fight.

If you want to try and salvage your marriage, you must do whatever it takes to break up the affair. A marriage is between two people not three. Implementing and executing a good plan A is critical even if you do divorce because it will make the transition for the kids better and will help you in your personal recovery. Exposure is also critical. Most often exposure is talked about here as a tool to break up the affair. You have hit on a vital issue, once exposed, you also broaden your own support base and have people to talk about with.

If you want to still try and salvage your marriage...you need to try and do whatever you can to not seperate. When he tells you he wants space that is fogese for I want to be able to continue my affair easier. If he wants to continue the affair, make it more difficult for him, not easier. Raising the stakes for him through exposure and keeping him in your house and trying to make him accountable for his time is your best shot at saving your marriage. There are some exceptions to this of course. If you or the kids are in emminent physical danger you need to be seperated. Even if you seperate, you should keep with your Plan A until you get to the point of irreperable harm to your love bank, and then Plan B.

Keep up the good fight and make the decisions that are right for you in the long term, not easy for him.

NT

As for the trust question, yes you can but it will take some time and is a ways down the road for you. At this point, you have to bust up the affair. Once that he commits to no contact and wants to begin repairing the damage that has been done, you both need to agree to adopting a no exceptions, radical honesty policy. After a while of complete, radical honesty, you will in fact trust him more than you ever have because you know everything is open and on the table. But until the affair has ended and he is out of fog land, trust is a distant objective and you can expect nothing more out of him than deception and mistrust.