So for those of you who read my emotional infidelity post, you will know what has gone on with my husband and I.

We are making good progress! We have a Policy of Joint Agreement going - which is working out very well. He asks what I think of things he is going to do. I put up a wall calendar so we can spend lots of time together - I work shifts so its been hard to "juggle". Now we know where each of us is almost at all times.

He was very smothering at first, almost FAKE, but that seems to be waning and he is relaxing a bit. We went out on the weekend for a day trip and got along very well.

The question? We are both waiting for the other shoe to drop - for him to yell, for me to overreact to a comment he made or get offended. I DO see he is making every effort not to yell, but my experience of years and years of it...well...how do you get past that? How do you get past the pain and emotional hurt we've caused each other for several years? My family still hates him..his family hates me. We have all this extraneous stuff hanging over us constantly.

He is still depressed - has a Dr's appt this Thursday. I am in healthcare and recommended that if his dr started him on antidepressants that he seek psychotherapy as well. He has a lot of issues (stressed about his job, inability to express emotions which then come out as rage, etc.) and he needs to talk about them. I know this.

So why am I so afraid he is going to come out of psychotherapy deciding he shouldn't have married me and he doesn't love me?

As I said, we are working hard on the marriage and making progress. We went to a MC session last week but did NOT like the counselor's methods and have an appt with another one next week. We both agreed that we needed a counselor we felt comfortable with.

He is "rewriting" history a bit, saying that perhaps we shouldn't have gotten married, that I don't know him very well, etc...but I truly believe he hasn't LET me get to know him! He has been so angry and volatile for so long, I haven't WANTED to know him. He freely admits he is not the person I married....and he insists he loves me. He is showing it too...kisses...hugs...a bit overboard at first but now just nice things like a kiss goodnight and a hug mean the world. All things that last month would never have happened.

So I guess my point is...the work involved with recovering from this (him telling me he wants a divorce) seems insurmountable. I can't get rid of the pain in my heart. I CANNOT imagine how hard it is for those of you whose spouse's had affairs. But I guess the pain is the same for anyone who has been rejected <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

GG,

Recovery is a process....not an event. It begins with a decision, but the decision is just the first step of a mountain that needs to climbed. You asked "How do you get past the pain and emotional hurt we've caused each other for several years?" The answer is years of stopping the pain and rebuilding trust. It didn't take overnight to get here....and it won't be fixed overnight either. It sounds like you guys are doing everything possible to get a good support team together as well as make personal commitments to treat each other well. Now you've got to be consistent and be patient enough to let those things start making a difference. I can honestly say....that it took about a year - year and a half....before I could honestly say I felt happy and secure in my marriage again.

Hunker down and make a long term committment....because that's what it's going to take.

(((((((((((((((((gg))))))))))))))))))))))

star*fish - yes, you are completely right. It's just in this world of "quick fixes" lol - I guess I want one. I hate the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the cloud that seems to follow me everywhere.

I made a long-term commitment - I just hope husband will as well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He is very keen on counseling and following the agreements, and last week it was HIM who convinced me not to cave in (and considering he was the one strongly advocating for a divorce, I guess this is quite the accomplishment).

As always, thank you for the excellent advice.

GG,

The world wraps itself around your thoughts. Help empower you husband by believing in him and encouraging him. Don't spend your time worrying that he will fail, because then he'll feel like a failure. This process reminds me of a snowball....when it starts rolling it's just a little nugget of hope...but as it grows it picks up speed and eventually its like an avalanche of love. You guys have hurt each other for a long time....so it's normal to be afraid....but when you're fearful you are operating in the part of your brain wired for fight or flight. Neither of those will help your recovery. You need to raise your own core value, and value you husband....then you will return to the logical, creative, problem solving neocortex that will help you weather this challenge. Be strong....be the light house. I'm going to find ark^^'s post about being the lighthouse and bump it for you.

Be encouraged. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />