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February will be a year since my husband came to me and said that he has given up on our marriage. Things went downhill from there especially for me. He moved out in July 2007.
Since then we've kept in contact day to day. And our friendship ahas gotten better. He has maintained that he has no plans to return to the marriage but has not done any legal counseling, filing or anything of the sort.
Recently a few financial set backs for both of us have him moving back into the marital home in the next several weeks. He is still maintaining it's for financial reasons and that he wants a divorce. He says that he has no doubt we can make the relationship work, but that he doesn't want to.
In the last year I did some nasty things to him I know. I am responsible for most of the problems that led to this.
I feel like it's time to go seek some counsel for myself to protect myself. At this point I don't feel like anything I do will matter and he has made up his mind. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take myself.
What should I do at this point? Should I find a lawyer and get all my ducks in a row? I'm not sure about the moving back to the house bit either. It's probably not a good idea and we should just suck it up and live off of credit cards.
I have been in plan A, but I don't think it matters. We ahve completely separate lives except for our 2 dogs. Otherwise he wants to continue his new life with his new circle of friends the way it is. What should I do?
WW(me)-44 WH-49 Together 10 yrs M 4 yrs
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have you addressed the anxiety, and alcohol on your part...
I am really really having a hard time wrapping my head around how the act of you two living together is not going to be extremely toxic for you....
what is your plan when he starts going out what is your plan when he will not be accountable..
this is your husband not a room-mate ....
is there any way to avoid this scenario....
ARK
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have you addressed the anxiety, and alcohol on your part...
I am really really having a hard time wrapping my head around how the act of you two living together is not going to be extremely toxic for you....
what is your plan when he starts going out what is your plan when he will not be accountable..
this is your husband not a room-mate ....
is there any way to avoid this scenario....
ARK I have been in therapy for my depression since April 2007. I have actively been going to about 2 counseling session a week, plus group counseling and AA meetings. I have gotten way better, I feel better about myself and am in a better place. All of my problems with alcohol began with when my husband 'checked out' of the marriage. I was always a social drinker, and most of the time I had to be coerced to drink, since I think it's a waste of calories. I never had an issue before that, so I don't think I ever was an alcoholic. At this point we are friends, and he has been very supportive of the things I have chosen to do, like the counseling, the rowing and my schooling. The only thing we fight about now is his not wanting to commit to the marriage. I believe he has done anything in his power to not upset me in any way during our separation. I really and truly believe that he still cares about me, but he does not want to be married to me. We talked and he repeats that the decision for divorce feels right for him because he is in a better place now than he was in the last 2 years of our marriage. He said in plain and simple words that he does not want to recommit to the marriage to make it work. He feels like it should not be that hard. There is one alternative to him not moving back to the house. He can live with his friend Mark. But he says he does not want to do that because he doesn't think he could take living with him. All of his other friends are either married or just don't have the room. There are people I could stay with, but I AM NOT leaving the house that we bought with MY money until it is sold. It has not been placed on the market as of yet and no real estate brokers have been contacted either. We have spoken about boundaries whne he moves in and about what to expect and what not to expect. I told him what I would not stand for and he agreed with it. One thought that I had is that I did not do a very good plan A, because I had so many of my own issues to dig through first.... I thought that maybe him moving to the house would put him in a position to actually see my plan A. Oh and bythe by, he has actually moved some of his crap back in to the house. My therapist says I should give up, my parents say I should give up, even most of my friends say I should give up, but I feel like there is still hope. What should I do? Should I give up?
WW(me)-44 WH-49 Together 10 yrs M 4 yrs
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what are the exact tangible goals of moving in together.. and what is the limited time frame
ie we need to make x amount of dollars to pay blank blank blank
and then you move back out...
I am very afraid this will make you go nuts... it would make me nuts
which does not equal not trying to reconcile... ark
Last edited by ark^^; 01/16/08 04:36 PM.
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Do you still love him and want to be married to him for life? If so, then him moving back would be better for you to do a Plan A. HOWEVER, if he moves back in, it should be with the intention to behave as a married man, because he is still your H! No dating or any of that kind of thing. He may feel that he has seen your changes from sort of a distance for several months, now he wants to see if you have really changed by living with you again before he re-commits. And from reading your other threads, I can understand how he would feel this way, ya know! It's easy to be nice during a daily conversation and occasional date, but to live with someone is to see them for who they really are. That may be why he is saying he doesn't want to re-commit to the M. On the inside, he may just be waiting to see if you have really changed. You have been apart for long enough that if he really wanted a D, he would have filed for it!
I don't know, if you love him and want a good second shot, I say go for it, as long as he understands that you want to be his wife and that you are still married, so you would expect him to at the very least refrain from dating or social stuff with other women...
I wish you the best!
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Can any of the other vets chime in here?
I've had a really hard couple of days and am thinking maybe it's time to throw in the towel and just pick up the peices.
WW(me)-44 WH-49 Together 10 yrs M 4 yrs
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Zora,
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. Being a addict/alocholic myself I understand the NEED TO DO something.
But sometimes what G-d wants us to do is just be STILL. Don't throw in the towel, feel the feelings, gain peace and wait for the responses. I PROMISE you they will come.
Do you know what specific questions you need answered? When I first began posting on here I was all over the board.
I don't know if that helps or not, but I DO KNOW I care.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84 D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09 WH and OW broke up 1-09 Started over 7-09
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I had been in PLAN A since he moved out last July 07. But I KNOW I wasn't doing a good job with plan A since my emotions were all over the place and I was seeking counseling for all my other issues.
My H is moving back to the house for financial reasons. In fact he has already moved many of his belongings back in, he was here just a few minutes ago. He says he has no plan to commit to the M because he is convinced it will not work. (The jist is that about 5 things happened all at once, our roof needed to be replaced, one car was totaled, the oven stopped working and I needed to get a new one. I was barely scraping by paying the bills for the house and H was giving me all the money he could but was having a tough time because rents in the Boston area are very high. We made the joint decision that he would move back until we got this financial mess cleaned up.)
I guess my main question is. Should I re-commit myself to plan A when he moves back in completely? And maybe do a 180 at that time?
WW(me)-44 WH-49 Together 10 yrs M 4 yrs
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I can't answer what you should do as I an NO expert, but I have to ask. Do you WANT to re-commit? The how or should you can be answered once you know what you want to do.
Does that make sense?
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84 D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09 WH and OW broke up 1-09 Started over 7-09
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zora -
Let's get this straight. Your "husband" moved out months ago and has said very plainly he has no interest in being married to you, but now he wants to move in with you because he can't afford to live on his own.
In other words, he wants to use you for a roomate and a wallet. He knows you want him back, so he knows you'll cook and clean for him as long as he lives there - and of course, there will be NO questioning of where he goes or what he does or how long he says out.
You won't be his wife, zora. You will be his mommy, paying his bills and washing his clothes and keeping his dinner warm while he goes out on dates with his girlfriends.
I can't think of anything more gut-eating destructive to what's left of your own self-respect and sense of worth.
Please, please, please do not do this. Where he lives and how he pays for it is HIS problem, not yours. You find somewhere to live that you can afford, even if it's just a one-room flat somewhere.
Have you talked to an IC about this? Almost anything would be better than what your "husband" is proposing. Mulan
Me, BW WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Deep down I want to re-commit myself, but I'm scared. I get all this mixed advice from people. This is a bad idea, don't do it, find some place else to live, etc. Then I start to rethink what I WANT to do to what I SHOULD do. And most of all that is to be a doormat.
My H is not having an A and never was. I believe that completely no matter what you people say. After all I SEE with my eyes what is going on. I have paid enough money to find out that nothing is going on. I WAS wrong and I MADE THINGS WORSE because of the things I did and said.
I just want a chance to fix it I guess. I am looking for support with my choice.
WW(me)-44 WH-49 Together 10 yrs M 4 yrs
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Can any of the other vets chime in here?
is that your way of saying you don't like me.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
arkie..
again I also do not like the move back in for financial reasons...
what are the financial goals EXACTLY
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Can any of the other vets chime in here?
is that your way of saying you don't like me.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
arkie..
again I also do not like the move back in for financial reasons...
what are the financial goals EXACTLY Heh, you just made me laugh. No not at all, but I've been hearing the same thing from so many people. On how this is such a bad idea. I guess I want to hear that maybe I should put my best foot forward and give it my best shot. I have told my H what I will not put up with and we signed an agreement to that fact when he moves in. All house work, cooking, bills and the like will be split 50/50. And there will be no dating while in the marital home. So he knows what I expect. My H keeps switching up what he says, so I know he is not certain. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to commit to the M, but also says that he doesn't know if his feelings will change when he moves back to the house....
WW(me)-44 WH-49 Together 10 yrs M 4 yrs
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And there will be no dating while in the marital home. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to commit to the M Can you please explain how you can possibly reconcile those two statements, zora? And can you explain to us just exactly what you will do if he DOES start dating while he lives with you? How exactly do you propose to enforce that boundary? Whether he was having an affair or not before he left, he has very plainly said he does not want to be married to you and this is more than just "fog". He intends to use you for rent money and free maid service and it's obvious that you hope this will lure him back into being your husband. It will never work, zora. You cannot make someone love you by being their doormat, and that's all you're going to be to him. If you do this, whatever last shred of respect he might have had for you will be gone. And you cannot love someone when you do not respect them. THAT is why this is such a terrible, terrible, terrible idea. Please do not do this to *yourself*. Aren't you worth more than that? Shouldn't the price of admission into your life be much, much higher? Mulan
Me, BW WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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I am worth more than that. And I am no a doormat.
Well I guess I'll just give up then and tell him to go find an apartment in 5 days.
WW(me)-44 WH-49 Together 10 yrs M 4 yrs
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zora...
you could try standing for the marriage..
I am married to YOU I want to be married to YOU I want to be with you and make you happy and have you do the same for me...
anything else is NOT marriage...
so if you move back in we commit to trying to make the marriage work...
we counsel together with the Harleys...etc...
what say you..
ark
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Well I talked to my H and stood up for our marriage. He said no he couldn't commit because he doesn't know if he can be happy with me after all that is happened. So I said don't move back in.
He is staying with a friend until he figures out his next move.
He doesn't want to be married me, but he calls me 50 times a day and won't leave me alone. What the ****** am I supposed to do.
I am heart broken but I guess I know what the next step is since he doesn't have the balls to do it. I have to talk to a lawyer and get all my ducks in a row.
WW(me)-44 WH-49 Together 10 yrs M 4 yrs
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Well now I am stuck finding a second job to pay for the housing costs probably, mortgage, roof repairs, etc...
What do I do now about the marriage. I would like the people who told me not to do this to chime in....
WW(me)-44 WH-49 Together 10 yrs M 4 yrs
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Zora, First breathe..... As stupid as that sounds... Just do it. Then stop and let G0...... There is NOTHING that you have to do RIGHT NOW that will make the situation any better, but could make it worse. Are you breathing? I have such limited advice or expertise. But I do know that you need to stop for a minute and just be. Do you have a G-d that you pray to? Start praying... Start talking to G-d and just listen. I'm going to try and say this in the most loving way. What do I do now about the marriage. Maybe what you do now is to NOT DO anything. I would like the people who told me not to do this to chime in.... Those and everyone else who care about the pain you are in will chime in, but you have to be willing to REALLY and TRULY listen to what they are telling you. If you aren't clear ask clarifying questions. Keep asking questions that will help you problem solve your way through this, but LISTEN to what they tell you and know that ultimately it is YOUR responsibility to act on something or not act. This is YOUR LIFE, you are going to walk through this and learn so much about yourself, about the resources you have deep inside, about how strong you are. Just be patient for it to unfold. Well now I am stuck finding a second job to pay for the housing costs probably, mortgage, roof repairs, etc... What is happening totally sucks, but you are not a VICTIM. You can make it through this. If I CAN IMAGINE THAT I CAN MAKE IT ONE DAY, SO CAN YOU. So keep breathing..... Slow down.. Talk to G-d if you have him in your life.... and know that people will help you through this if you truly allow it. There is such wisdom on here and so many who have gone before us. Just be patient and still..... Vets... if I am outta line here, please let me know and correct any wrongs.....Thanks. Queenie
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84 D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09 WH and OW broke up 1-09 Started over 7-09
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Z,
Sorry to hear you are stuck in this rut. A or no A, the symptoms point to the WS type attitude.
Are you done with your plan A? Because from what you posted, he is using you big time and wants you to enable his WS attitude. How does that make you feel? Do you really think a good R can come from someone as selfish as he is being?
His friend Mark's place isn't good enough? Well it s/b. Yours is far more valuable and worth a lot more.....so you shouldn't be 2nd choice.
Do you feel your mind and heart are in sync? If so, are you ready to execute plan B? Have you identified your personal and M boundaries and when will you be ready to implement them?
Ok, that's a lot of questions..... think about them and when you are ready, we can talk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Btw, your H is babbling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yep, that what is sounds like. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
take care, L.
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