WW handed me divorce papers yesterday...

They have NOT been filed with the court, they were just filled out, with most of the entries (including disposition of assets, parenting plan, etc.) "to be determined by the court at a later date...

I've not posted for awhile...been reading many of your posts, however, as so many of what goes on here translates from one situation to another.

Here's my situation ...

Here's the thread I started for my wife , which I thank you all again for responding to when it came up. You can lead a horse to water...

WW still IC...as a matter of fact, just the other evening I received a text from her meant for OM... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> The hits, they keep on coming...

After an email from WW to OM bounced back a few months ago I sent him a very clear "enough is enough" message...CC'ing his entire family.

His response made clear just how much of an ignorant and immoral POS he is. I'd love to post it here just to see how much venom it would whip up...but then what's the point?

How is it that good people are usually the ones who are most self-aware and critical, while the world's social detritus have no such life skills??

Exposure has been complete...no impact, at least on her.

We finished a session of "divorce" counseling the other day and she keeps saying things like "we're just not in the same place", and "I don't want to be married to you anymore..."

I've done a session w/ JH, and her guidance was great.

She recommended NOT to go to Plan B after our session, however, when I go home on weekends to be w/ the kids, WW leaves...to a location unknown.

Plan A difficult due to her fleeing whenever I'm home... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

From my older posts, you'll see that have taken more than my fair share of responsibility for the state of our marriage, however whenever she now refers to the state of our marriage I remind her that while I had a hand in it, her choice to have an A was hers and hers alone.

I'm in a good place, personally, and my relationship w/ my kids truly brings me joy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So back to the subject of this post...I'd truly love some feedback on what to do with the papers... ignore? shred? fold into paper airplanes???

She has repeatedly used the phrase "WE just need to go ahead and file", as though she needs me to agree...

My sense of duty and need to please often leads me to agree to things that I really don't want, but do I ignore this at my own peril???

HELP!

L2F

If you don't want the D, then store them away. I wouldn't toss them. She may be trying to force you to file. Did an Att'y fill them out, or her? If her, then more so of what I said.

It may be better for you to file first, but not if you don't want it.

Good luck to you!

Thanks SYF...

No, I DON'T want to be divorced. This is a great family, barring my WW's A and apparent MLC...

She definitely filled them out - no attorney involved.

L2F

Well, what would happen if you agree, and file?

...and, if you don't...?

Hey L2F,

I'm sorry to hear this... I have absolutely ZERO experience with D papers... so I'll just stay in my lane...

I guess my only thought would be this: Can you protect your retirement from her by proving that she is in an adulterous affair??? If so, then I would do whatever I could to protect your retirement so that you can provide for your children and NOT your WW IF the D actually goes through.

Semper Fi,

RIF

L2F...we are in the same boat. I got mine in the mail today. They were also filled out by hand by WS. I too am sick at heart.

Sorry to hear this L2F (and LA)! I'm with SYF- store them and tell her "I don't talk D, only M. You'll have to speak to an attorney." Do you have one? If not, maybe you should and then use him/her for all things D-related. Ditto on RIF, too, your lawyer can handle all of those details.

Good luck to you and God Bless!!

Thanks all...

JJ, interesting question...

If I agree, I sincerely think she will NOT put the brakes on. She's incredibly stubborn, largely because she's shown she feels that changing her mind is a sign of weakness, and she views almost everything as a battle, or win/lose.

If I agree, we get divorced, marriage is over, I'm devastated, she's "free" to continue her A without it being "wrong" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Kids will be saddled w/ all the lifelong baggage associated w/ being children of divorce...childhood officially over.

If I don't agree...she may or may not eventually go the next step (probably months down the road) and actually file the papers as written.

I have issues w/ her "plan" for distribution of assets and debts...

For those in mediation, is that something that comes after one spouse has filed?

If I don't agree I've given her just more ammo to claim how "controlling" I am...

It sure sucks not being a mind reader... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hey RIF! Given we're in a no-fault state, I don't think adultery has ANY play in distribution of assets, including retirement, as far as I can tell.

LAgirl, I'm so sorry for you too... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. This sure sucks, huh?

Perhaps yours is the best plan, LaLa. I consulted w/ an attorney awhile ago just to get some basic advice. I'd rather spend the money on JH.

Mr W has said in the past that sometimes being the first to file "helps" your case... My WW is not even remotely interested in taking this to court, citing cost...but it could also be that even after all the exposure, she's afraid, or at least uncomfortable taking this "public"...who knows...

She says it would be "stupid" to pay for 2 attorneys...

Again, any mind readers out there???

It's a beautiful morning here in the great Northwest...

Life is good, even when in the depths of h#ll...

L2F

L2F,

I strongly suggest you have at least one consultation with an attorney. An attorney can help you protect your interests and he/she can assist you sometimes in at least making the process a slower one.

What state are you in? While adultery has no impact of the divorce proceedings in a no-fault state, it can in some states, have an impact on custody issues.

In IL for instance, affairs carried out blatantly in front of the children can be used in determining custody outcomes.

What is your goal in regards to your children, the home, bank accounts, debts, retirement funds, etc? Many states now have a budding Father's Rights organization where you might get more information on what has happened to other husbands going through your situation.

Hey L2F!

All of this is uncharted waters for me... Can you check with the JAG and see what guidance they can give you?

We got another 4 inches of snow this evening in about two hours so my flight is delayed until Sunday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I stopped by the bazaar this evening a got a copy of my favorite move... yeah, Top Gun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there buddy... I'm praying for you! ...and remember it aint over 'til the fat lady sings!

Semper Fi,

RIF

L2F, not a mind-reader here, just one with much experience and trying to gain wisdom from it all. Seems to me she is trying to force you to file, then she can say you did it, not her, As for controlling, her forcing you to choose to file or not is more her controlling than you.

Just because she has an asset plan doesn't mean it will happen. Mediation is for coming together. If that route is taken you will each present a plan and try to compromise. If it ever goes to court, you will get to present your plan as well. Her being afraid of the cost should work in your favor.

A landmine to watch out for, I tried to do the best for my kids by letting them stay in the house and giving ex the lions share of the assets, in return for slightly reduced CS (to a reasonable level - we both worked it out so we both had liveable incomes after CS.) Sadly, as soon as I got a girlfriend, ex changed her mind and asked for increased CS - you can't go back and change the asset plan, so I was screwed!

Good luck in all this, stay patient and don't let her actions guide yours. Make your plan and stick to it! You are the only sane one right now.

If you file first then you "control" the case, meaning you can determine how fast it will move (unless you get a court that sets mandatory deadlines to move the docket faster). But, OTOH, you can always choose to "nonsuit" or "dismiss" the case later down the road, forcing her to refile and start the clock over.

Stupid to pay for two attorneys? Not if you know what's good for you. That's a conflict of interest for the attorney, because a divorce is an adversarial proceeding.

Court-ordered mediation (in Texas at least) comes after suit is filed. You can always go through voluntary mediation first before anything is filed. As you know, mediation is not binding on either party. It's just a "lay your cards on the table" discussion for purposes of settlement.

This can never be said too often...

In my consultation w/ the attorney, evidently the adultery must be more than just blatent - it has to be shown to significantly impact the chilren... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

It's astounding that in this day and age our culture is so enabling of this kind of behavior... It's easier to get divorced, cheat on your spouse, lie, etc., than it is to get out of any other legally binding contract... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My "goal" is to recover... I am NOT interested in entering into a discussion of division of assets w/ WW. As LaLa put it, if it came to that, I guess I'd want to leave that to lawyers.

I love my WW with all my heart and after 2 years I'm just as sure I do NOT want to get divorced.

L2F

Actually, when ex and I got divorced, we made the agreement ourselves and had an atty fill out the papers. He didn't represent either of us. I guess you could say it was more a self-mediation than an atty battle.

If we both could have stayed adults, it would have all worked out great! Sadly, she got "hurt" when I found another woman to love, then went off the deep end when I got married. Oddly, she claimed to have met someone "so much better than me," and claimed to have plans to marry before I did. Later, I never heard of this guy any more. I miss him, he might have made the ex happy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But, hey, she's not bitter! Just ask her!

I think that's what WW envisions...that I'll just roll over and get out of the way of her A so she can legitimize it.

I truly think that for all of OM's profession of undying love, once WW becomes "available", things will change. After a 2 year affair, things are nowhere near as rosy as they once were.

I've read of Plan A'ing during D proceedings...and up to 2 yrs after...that's a long row to hoe.

TOP GUN??!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

"I want some butts!"

Long road, yes. Guess you just have to decide what you really want and what it is worth to you.

Good luck, my friend. You can be my wingman anytime.

The more I think about it, handing me the papers was more of a gesture than an action requiring a response...

It was as though it was a previously unused weapon in her arsenal, rather than an action leading to an event...D

Does that make sense?

The forms were filled out, but not signed, nor were they filed w/ the court... Am I in denial???

No, SYF, you can be MY wingman... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Did she give you some instructions or directions when you got the papers?

The reality is, if you don't want a divorce, you don't have to assist her in getting one. That would include filling in details, signing anything, filing anything, gathering up any requested information, etc.

If you have an attorney, I would pass the papers on to him/her and if you don't have an attorney, I do suggest trying to get one. Men usually start out at a disadvantage in divorce court/family court. Better that you should be as prepared for the contingencies that might come up as well as know if there are legal steps you can take to better protect yourself.

OK, I'll be your wingman, Maverick!

I don't think you are in denial. Stay strong, map out your course and stick to it. She doesn't conrol you.

I would agree, it was a weapon she used, now you can chose to make it impotent.