That's funny!

No, I agree completely though. My WW responds nearly word for word like that when I get too close or when she gets frustrated that I won't give up. It's the most selfish act imaginable and as long as we keep trying, we will keep getting some of these outbursts.....until hopefully one day....

I've written the same letter a couple of times already and they did nothing for me (at least outwardly). WW mentioned 1 or 2 lines from one of them, but that's b/c she found something she could twist in her favor. I keep trusting that all of that gets pur in the back of her mind though and someday it will all pay off.

Hey L2F-

I didn't realize we were on the same side of the mountains!
Where are you-in general location?

Since you are military, I'm thinking either down in Pierce County, up on Whidbey or maybe in my old home town, Everett. I'm in the Skagit Valley now.

Speaking of the weather, I was glad to see it would be in the 40's today. Wooh. A heatwave. My OS couldn't get home this week-end because of those pesky mountain passes. He's a Cougar-ROTC scholarship. He will be fourth generation military.

Waywards are capable of anything. Mine threw away his ministry, his integrity and his family for his AP. He is now "someone different" as my DD22 puts it. He is someone who I have never known and I've known him for 25 years.

Hang in there-

Hey JT... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I used to be stationed at Whidbey where my family is, now I work somewhere that requires a ferry to get to/from.



ain't that the truth.

It's truly bizarre that some people can go down a path so clearly marked as "don't go here" without realizing it...then visciously defend their choice to do so.

My parents had simo A's when I was very small. His resulted in a marriage that lasted until he died some 30+ years later. She never remarried.

As I was growing up, my mom did the same kind of "finding myself" [email]cr@p[/email] my WW is now doing. After parent's D there was a parade of questionable characters that came into and out of her/our life. Perhaps b/c I saw it as a child I recognize it for what it is.

WW's midwestern upbringing was significantly more conservative, so what she's now doing is almost like a teenager "gaining their freedom", where I just see it as a cross between a MLC and teenage acting out. This makes it difficult for me to take her bulls#it seriously.

OMM is this aging new-agey type who's into colon cleanses, organic food and God knows what else. It's taking all the strength I've got to keep from telling her that it's not her colon that needs refreshing...

Went to my caucus today...interesting process. I had more meaningful and honest interaction with total strangers today than I've had w/ my WW in years. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Going to have nice evening w/ DD playing a board game and then watching a movie while DS enjoys having a couple of his friends at a sleepover.

L2F

OMG, I know this sitch isn't funny, but I was LMAO on this comment...classic...you are a very cool guy, L2F!!!

She's going to feel like a FOOL when this is over. I know I sure do!!!!!!!!

Thanks for that LaLa... Don't worry, that part of this thing is HILARIOUS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for reminding me...your laugh was contagious

Just watched Monsters Inc w/ DD...we had a GREAT time together.

DS had a great day w/ his new dog and friends.

...life IS good... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

L2F,


I'm Want2Stay, LaLa's DH. That is a great attitude. You must reach a point where you realize that so much of this outcome is out of your control. There's only so much you can do now to convice your DW to change her choices before it's too late. If she chooses to throw her life away for this guru loser there isn't much you can do to stop her. Spend time enjoying the other apects of your life before your upcoming deployment. Glad you had a good day with the kids. It's a great way to distract yourself and at the same time reinforces the bond you share with them. Hang in there!

Want2Stay

Hey W2S!

Yeah, trying my darndest to "enjoy life"... The biggest roadblock to that is how this is affecting our kids

I strongly believe that the most important thing we will be remembered for after we're gone is what kind of person we were and what kind of children we raised...

The "person" I am is also a loving and committed husband--one that rides out the storm knowing that landfall will come eventually...

Hi L2F-

I know where you are, having spent many of my childhood summers over on the pennisula. My sister teaches over on the "island" but lives on the mainland side so I do get over to visit when I can.

It seems that the weather has conspired to keep your WW from getting over the passes to visit the OM. Interesting...

Hang in there-

Hi JT,

Where does your sister teach? Wonder if she knows my kids...

I wish that the wx had kept her here...instead she chose to drive around...so strong was her need to flee.

Turns out her sustained weight loss is thyroid-related. She used to be a size 10-ish, and is now a 2 and still losing weight.

Could be menopausal, could be stress-related.

Stress... go figure... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I'm very concerned about her health and well-being but the obvious solution to me isn't going to register on her radar.

Any "experienced" women out there w/ any similar experiences during the "change"?

We are so very much different creatures, men and women, but vive la difference!!!

L2F

Hey all...

I'm really thinking that the affair is over...

Please help me transition back to a kick-a$$ plan A!

You've seen my tendency towards being judgmental and critical of WW's actions.

What to do now?

I want to show her that D doesn't need to happen, yet that's where her energy is...

I'm still away during the week

she still leaves when I come home

She still hasn't "filed"

I need some re-adjustment!!!

L2F

Hey L2F!

I know how frustrating it is to give and give and get nothing in return...

I think that spending time with your kids when you can and showing Mrs. L2F that the changes you're making are REAL, is your best bet here...

It takes time for a WS/FWS to start believing that you ARE making the changes for real... I know that Mrs. RIF thought that I was 'manipulating' her by my plan-A actions... but over time, my consistent actions showed her that the changes were "for real"...

You can do this! You're kids are there to help you and I know that you're up for the challenge!!!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi L2F-

My big sis' teaches at Wilkes on Bainbridge but she lives in Poulsbo. It's a different direction than the Navy. But, it's a small area.

Hang in there. Your WW may continue to spew the same script as the other waywards (talking D like it's a done deal-etc) but it's not over until it's over. And with God, even then things aren't over.

Thanks RIF/JT,

It may be a small area but I don't think I know anyone on Bainbridge. Oh well.

Really looking for some ideas here, folks...

Pls look at previous page re WW's medical issue and give thoughts.

To sum up....

Affair not so much active in the traditional sense...mainly b/c I think I'm realizing that WW isn't currently capable of having a fulfilling relationship w/ ANYONE at this point (and clearly for many years before that)

She's now focusing on D and her own health issues.

She made a comment last night after finding out during a visit to the vet yesterday that the dog turned out to be younger than we were told..."oh great, the dog's going to be around for frickin' ever!" As though she just sees it as just another responsibility.

A plan B is largely irrelevant b/c I've been gone for so much over the last 17 years that she's so comfortable carrying on w/out me.

Help me not "push", yet not be indifferent...

Looking for Plan A ideas please!!!

L2F,

On page six...you asked for us to help you do a kick-tushie Plan A (sure looses it's impact when I hedge the word, doesn't it?)...kind of gives me the image of karate with limp wrists.

Are you ready for it? Really ready?

My advice is to go read your posts on MB...the ones on your thread and the ones to others...read them, L2F. Get your center back. Your permission to DJ, criticize, even jokingly, brought WW's stuff back into your stuff...and you had it separated...do so again.

Your WW is still in a wayward state of mind...which means there's still the lack of respect, resentment and entitlement. Stop pointing those out to yourself and to her. Look at your own.

As for the thyroid...I can't help. I'm thinking more about how I could get my thyroid to do that to me.

Resentment is like a hormone though...wouldn't doubt that lack of and then too much of (rollercoaster) are at work...not the all...factors in it.

After you re-read your earlier posts...re-read the last few weeks...see your changes...where you are all over her stuff...and not respecting, not bringing reality, and not acting from love (which fills you up with love)...maybe you can find on the previous page where you are mirroring her...find where you dodge your ownership...go to rewriting history a bit (feels better) and find your false payoff in it. It's old habits...you changed...pick them up again.

That's my kick-tushie Plan A...because you have been doing an awesome Plan A, IMO...I saw you thriving in it...

LA

Hi L2F,




Sorry, no help here, but from what I experienced and have been told by friends and family, well, weight loss doesn't usually accompany MP. For me it was just the opposite ... I have always been pretty small and really had a couple of years where it was a struggle to stay that way.

Has she seen the Dr about the weight loss? Might be something else, something regarding her health that she hasn't shared with you that is causing her stress.

Glad to hear that the A is over. Hang in there, the getting to recover is a challenge I CAN relate to since my FWH's A was already dead and about to be buried by D-day.

Best,

Who

L2F-

Has your WW gone to the Dr yet?

Rapid weight loss could be a sign of diabetes, thyroid issues, or even some types of leukemia. Also, it can also be caused by stress and/or depression.

A blood test can rule out those serious ones. Hopefully it's just stress related.

I'll be heading to my sister's sometime next month. I'll be thinking of you.

LA, as always, your post is both simple, yet "dense".

I've been watching EOTS's thread and got sucked in. There was so much "action" there due to the "newness" of his sitch and his desire to fix things.

So much of the advice he's been getting is focused on peripheral things--legal, financial, attacks on OM, etc., that I feel the core of the matter--plan A--has been overshadowed.

In looking at my own state of mind and posts with the help of your perspective, I see I am naturally drawn to doing the same thing.

The world of the BS is like a minefield. Some look for a map to navigate through...others stop to try and dig up and disable each mine...sometimes I do both.



Sometimes (ok, often) I feel the need to have others pile on and say "yeah, what she's doing is WRONG! You are fighting the good fight!" etc.

It's the fervor of knowing I'm fighting something fundamentally evil and destructive that helps me pick myself up each day and begin anew...




Thanks for that...

I came back home for Valentines day and baked her a heart-shaped cake and left a beautiful vase of roses and lilies for her...she was very appreciative.

That night she called me and thanked me again, but then broke down and said that it was bittersweet...that she'd felt so unappreciated for years.

Instead of defending myself, which was my instinctual response, I didn't tell her she was wrong, I didn't disagree...instead I apologized for my actions that lead to her feelings.

Was she rewriting history? Perhaps, but right then I felt that wasn't important. It was her reality right then, and what I wanted her to know, above all else, was that I DO appreciate her, no matter what the past held, RIGHT NOW, I appreciate and love her above all else.

I've removed "her story" from my signature. That was my take on "her stuff"...

Thanks LA

L2F

Hey Who (I like saying that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />) and JT,

She's seeing a naturopath and has been diagnosed as Hyperthyroid. I have reservations about this form of "medicine", but am trying not to DJ.

In my book, so much of it is quackery, and I'd be more apt to ascribe her affliction to a combination of extreme stress, guilt and alcohol use...

Yes this is her stuff, but as her husband and (I thought) life partner, I can't help but be concerned and want to "help"...I'm treading lightly.

Getting to recovery has just one small roadblock...it's called Divorce... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again,

L2F

L2F, this is righteous, buddy. Absolutely fantastic!! Probably one of the best examples of a Plan A action that I've seen. I haven't been here long, but I was amazed. It will haunt her until she comes back to you, and then when/if she does come back, it will be a humbling reminder to her of the power of your love. It will be that moment which will stand as your lighthouse. The more of these you can pull off, the better chance you will have with her. Shine bright, L2F...so inspiring!!!!!!

Funny how our WW's are way too much alike, man. I was trying to keep from going over the top for V-day. We had a tax appt. the day before and that was my only chance to see WW so I got her some of her favorite flowers, had MADE her a photo calendar with my favorite pictures of us for each month, and MADE a v-day card. (these are all things that she appreciates..."don't buy me something...put some effort into it...that's what I want") I've recently found "homemade" things from our relationship that she had kept and filed away so I know this is important to her.
Sounds like you were taking the same approach....show some heartfelt effort to show her how much she means to you, right?

Well, my WW didn't want to even accept my gifts, saying it "doesn't help our situation" and "why are you doing this". I convinced her to take them anyway b/c I only did it b/c I care for her and want to make her feel good....that I hoped she could just accept it for what it is and allow herself to appreciate it just a bit....nothing more than a gift from someone who loves and cares about her......sound familiar?

Well, she reluctantly took it, gave me a hug and said she didn't want to see me "unhappy". Later that night I received a Voicemail from her before she went to sleep saying it was "very sweet" and she "appreciated the kind gesture" but she felt it was "misdirected" and "wasted effort on her". Huh, how about that L2F ?? :P

I know we are plan A'ing and doing our best....I guess we just keep doing our thing until they wake up, right? Takes a lot of strenght to look beyond all of the defiance, but if we ever beat this thing I've got to think it's a matter of allowing WW to wake up on her own, b/c I don't know if we can force it to happen in our cases. Maybe we're too soft, too much of a pushover...I don't know? Some people on MB say yes, some say no. But it "feels" like we're doing the proper things to me, don't ya think?

I love hearing feedback from FWS's to see if this actually works or if this just shows we are weak and WW doesn't gain any respect for us like this ???