RIF, good to hear from you...

I heard you had some "big wigs" do an unplanned drive by yesterday...

As for debt, I'm just assuming they'd be looked at no differently by a divorce court than any other credit card debt she accrued during the marriage...community property and all...

Yes, she should settle it on her own...I'll have to think about the best way to approach this without it being a total f/u.

Bottom line, we were married during this time, and the money she borrowed was not used for the A...hmmmmm

Hey L2F!

Our dog & pony show starts later this coming week... then I fly up to my new job! I've pretty much turned everything over and the new guy has signed the Hand Receipt and I didn't have to pay for a single thing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Wouldn't your MIL have to claim against the "bad debt" before it could be discussed??? Hopefully, your GREAT Plan-A will keep you from going to a D... then you can just repay the money w/o having to give the lawyers a cut!

Hope you're weekend is going well... Did Mrs. L2F stick around this weekend, or did she leave before you got home?

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF,

Well, WW did NOT stick around this weekend...in fact, sources close to OM (those who agree that his actions are unconscionable...and don't like WW either) say they're still seeing eachother...and did this weekend as well...

SO, not only is she continuing to lie (I should assume as much), but she went to great lengths to come up w/ an elaborate story last weekend to explain why she went to go see him. (Believer...you were right, of course)

As I'm driving home this Friday, I find out she's left the area (hours away)while my kids are at school without telling me...assuming I'd be home early.

When I ask her if she did, in fact, commit to NC w/ RatS#it, she says that due to my suggestions to her last weekend that she NOT contact him face to face to get her "closure", she instead wrote a letter, and that she was mad at ME for that, because it was not what SHE wanted to do... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Turns out the whole story was BS. I'm sure there was no letter, and she went to go see him this w/e like business as usual...

The lies are worse than the simple act of screwing another man.

I'm beginning to feel sheer hatred for her and her actions.

I want to go to a nuclear plan F/U

She's said she always felt she didn't "measure up"...kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's becoming harder and harder not to feel that by any standard, she is a total and complete loser as a wife, mother and person.

My love for her is becoming a dim and distant memory.

I really think I've delayed going to plan B WAY too long...

Any suggestions how to handle any interactions with her when she gets back?

- confront her w/ my knowledge that she saw him?
- let her know I know she lied?
- ignore her?

I'm truly stumped here...IDEAS???

Hey L2F,

I'm sorry about the continued contact.

I really don't know what else you could do if you've exposed the A to everyone...

I'd suggest continuing with your Plan-A until you can talk with Jennifer again. Plan-B might be the thing to do especially if you're love is almost gone.

I'm praying for you L2F... hang in there!

Semper Fi,

RIF

L2F, regardless of what you decide to say when she comes back, I agree with you 100% that it is time for Plan B. She has no intention of ending her affair and has no motivation to do so. In the meantime, you have to deal with the fallout. If you continue to deal with it, you will grow to hate her, or even worse, suffer emotional and physical problems. Once you grow to hate her, and I see you heading that way FAST, it is almost impossible to turn that around. [those are Dr.Harleys words, not mine]

She is on a self destruct mission and it helps no one for you to go down with her.

I would work on getting all your ducks in a row for Plan B and going dark. Sorry you are in this fix, but I see a WW who is intent on having her cake and eating it too, at your expense.

If you can contain your emotions - I'd suggest saying something simple to her when she returns.

for instance -

"I know you've made your choice. What happens next?"

She will ask you what you are talking about - my advise is to not tell her - instead just repeat the question

"What happens next?"

She will lie her [censored] off - just observe & nod and say "I see."

mood should be serious but calm, not angry

If she becomes angry - allow her to go there all by herself

you should be done with angry now -

plan B - get your ducks lines up - plan B should come as a surprise to her - like a bucket of ice water when she least expects you to do something - because "what happens next" is not only a question for your WW - it is also a weather forcast - what happens next is YOU take charge here


I'm so sorry

however - it ain't over 'till it's over

she will hate plan B - even if she does not show it ....

sorry sorry sorry

actually, this ....



.... is Plan A classic

I wanted this to be highlighted for any newbie who may be reading!

Ha Ha



Years and years ago, when Mr Pep was still secretly full throttle in his affair, he brought home a huge stinky mushroom the size of a dinner plate, that was supposed to cure EVERY AILMENT known to man or beast - and all you had to do was cut a piece off the mushroom and brew a cup of tea and drink it every day ---- it smelled like [censored]

about a month later - I discovered the A

the mushroom was the second inanimate object upon which I vented my rage (the poor innocent Christmas tree was the first!)

this new-age-y thinking is wish fulfillment - the magical cure for everything-

laughable

PS - the mushroom was a "gift" from OW - fungus - it figures! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Mel,



I've got too much going for me, and love for my children to let that happen.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

However, you're right that it's gotten to the point that each new blow is dealt with less and less patience.

Will need to read up lots on Plan B first...my last "attempt" was a joke.

With kids, finances, taxes, logistics, etc., it's going to take MUCH planning.

As for the term "cake eating"...how does it apply to a WW who swears she wants to get D'd?

Then you have even more of an imperative to back that up with ACTION! Because it WILL happen if you continue as you have. Now is the time for action.


You can make plans in one afternoon by discussing the details with us on this forum. You don't have to read up on it. It is simple to PLAN, less simple to ENACT. Get working on your PLAN today.

Just get yourself seperated, set up a visitation schedule with the kids, seperate finances, and designate an intermediary. Remove any and all reasons for contact.

Anticipate attempts for her to break through, and be prepared for every eventuality. Have a plan in place to block her attempts, such as changing the locks on the doors, screening her calls, coaching your kids, etc.


Cake eating means having your cake and eating it too. It applies to any wayward who is engaging in an affair while still enjoying the benefits of a marriage.

Here is one of my favorite plan B letters that might be helpful: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

Basically, you need to do some careful planning for Plan B. Start thinking NOW about reasons your wife would need to contact you and eliminate them.

The finances need to be split, so she has her money and doesn't get yours.

The contact with the kids needs to be scheduled. You can make out a calendar that lists her days and yours.

I think many people don't thoroughly PLAN for Plan B, and then end up doing a poor one, which is worse than none.

You want to protect your heart from her craziness and also give her a good taste of what life will be like without you.

What went wrong on your last attempt at Plan B? ARe you currently seperated from your wife?

ROFLMAO!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

That is hysterical!!!

Thanks Pep...best laugh I've had in days!!

L2F

having a hard time keeping up...bear with me...

Listen to Melody and Pep - you've got the 2 best here.

Thanks Pep,

Trying to make sure I understand what is meant by...

If I say I "know", am I not giving validity to and her choice?

The "what happens next" is, in her mind, D...so the discussion would then head down that that...not my desire or intent. How do I steer it in a constructive direction?

Understand the importance of calm...will work on that.

My own M did this same kind of [email]cr@p[/email] during her MLC some 40years ago...it's astounding to see it come back in this day and age.

WW's sheltered midwestern/catholic upbringing is what prevents her from seeing this for what it is, and thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced bread!

Rolfing, naturopaths, etc., treat the symptoms but not the cause of her fundamental unhappiness... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

can't educate her...so I appreciate the opportunity to vent that here... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Now, on to Plan B stuff:

Thanks Mel, Pep, Believer for your immediate help on this.

"Hurdles" to be overcome for a succesful Plan B in my case (as I see them)

- My military schedule, which often changes drastically and without notice.
- Along with this comes my desire to not set a precedent of giving WW more than her share of time w/ kids...even though she clearly does NOT act responsibly towards them, she's still their mom and they need her as much as me.
- I will be gone LOTS between now and the summer of '09, at which time I will fight for full custody...if it comes to that
- So, going into any plan B will require setting a precedent of expectation that the kids can see their dad at any and every opportunity. Pretty tough to do w/out interaction.
- financial separation...largely complete w/ separate accounts and one joint one from which all of our standard bills are automatically drawn (mortgage, insurance, utilities, etc.)
- Realities of where I work prevent me from the desired path - i.e. changing locks, putting her stuff in boxes in the driveway, as I can't be there for the kids during the week.

Are these roadblocks or just my own smokescreen to explain why it's "too hard"... (rhetorical question)

Any ideas how to overcome some of the above?

My first attempt at plan B was not planned beyond saying to WW that if she was going to have any further contact w/ OM, then I won't have any contact w/ her.

I went into it for the wrong reasons. It's supposed to protect my own LB, but at the time it was more to try to split up WW and OM...dumb.

It lasted about a month at which time I realized that I had more Plan A left in me. WW initiated lots of contact for biz-related stuff...again, due to my lack of planning.

Not separated, in the traditional sense, but in reality, our not overlapping in the home could be described by some as a separation.

She works part time locally so is there for the kids during the week (and by that I mean "there for them", not being the parent)

The distances involved (including finiky ferries and horrific traffic) make my living in the house during the week a tremendous hurdle...but some have urged me to try.

Perhaps it's time for me to work w/ my command to make it happen as much as possible while I'm not deployed

the art of war .... get your enemy to reveal their plan

"What happens next?"

Is not your turn to discuss or even render an opinion on whatever crap she spews .... it is a tactical maneuver to get HER to talk so you can observe her and gain intel - so you can make your plans (whatever they may be) knowing what her plans are

listen and respond to her without offering advice/opinion/judgement (takes a sort of strength I believe you have)

responses like:

...I see
...That's interesting
...Tell me more
...I understand
...I hear what you are saying
...Anything else?
...Have you thought about a timeline?

It's possible she will not say much - but it's worth a try

be the uber-listener
get her some tea
offer her a blanket

be kind & gentle - while you observe and listen and gather insight about her


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> or not .... it is ONLy a suggestion
an option

free and well worth the price !