"Honey, I'm home. We canceled our stuff for tonight so we could all spend the night with our families. We might have to report Saturday afternoon and maybe stay into Sunday night late."

Bet that'd make her weekend...

"Well, I guess they aren't going to call me to come in after all. Think I'll go to bed so I can go in early in the morning...G'night."

Mark

Thanks Mark...

I like both of your suggestions ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In this day of instant communication, NOT calling her when I know about Saturday (probably Fri afternoon, and ~3 hours before getting home) could be seen as intentionally underhanded...

Any ideas how I spin that positively?

L2F

Hey L2F!

Sorry I've been AWOL... My transition briefings started the day I landed and have been going on every day up until 2000-2100 every night! Today is Friday so it's a "low battle rhythm" day and I don't have any meetings! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I can understand about not wanting to "cause" Mrs. L2F to drive late at night, but that would be HER choice... I say let her know that you'll be home and let her do what she wants... no sense in cutting your time short with the kids just to keep Mrs. L2F "happy"...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hey L2F...you sound in good spirits, how awesome for you!

Sorry I've not been around much lately. Just been keeping up with everyone but not posting much.

You just play dumb...."gosh, SORRY, I truly am. I hope you aren't upset! I'll be better next time with communication!" (too bad you won't...hahahaha <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />).

Seriously, you don't have to make too many excuses for breaking up her weekend time with her boyfriend! I say, make it as hard as possible. Start running down her battery or other such things without her "knowing" it was you to throw a wrench in her plans. Sorry, some people might think this is juvenile, but how much worse is it than being like "Have a nice visit with your boyfriend, honey!" Good grief!! (and I don't mean that's what YOU do...jes sayin'!)

Have you thought any more about what we were all talking about the other day? Have you spoken to a L to see what your rights are? I'm gonna start kickin your [censored] about this every day, dangit...ONE YEAR IS LONG ENOUGH FOR PLAN A!!!!! Start shakin things up! You are in the right mindframe for it now, too...

Whatchoo think?

Hey RIF,

Great to hear from you!

I concur w/ your assessment.

Intentionally not telling her would seem nothing more than manipulative.

God I hate meetings! Life was so much simpler as a lowly LT... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Is it starting to warm up there at all??

Weather here is positively balmy...low 50's and some sunshine.

Our operational tempo's about to pick up significantly, resulting in increased time away...taking every opportunity to be w/ the kids. They are both just so amazing through this, and my being present for them sure helps.

You'll still be there the next time I'm in your neck of the woods (in about a year). Just look up...I'm sending cover your way... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Stay safe my friend

L2F

Hey L2F!

Oh to be a butter-bar again!

If you ever get a chance to land, make sure you stop by and see me! I'll buy you lunch and show you around!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Yes and no...I don't think I ever want to be that clueless again... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Been doing much reading of other threads and I am reminded of how important it is to keep steadily moving forward...

I'm learning just how much I have NOT understood the nature of WW's unhappiness.

Sure, much of it has/had nothing to do with me, and I can leave that alone...it's her stuff.

What I'm getting a greater appreciation for is my piece of the puzzle. It's funny, that realization goes in cycles. Initially, like many BS's, I took almost FULL responsibility due to the overwhelming guilt and loss of self-esteem an A causes.

Over time I grew to see where I was erroneously taking responsibility for her stuff...often in response to her accusations.

I am getting so much better at not accepting blame that isn't mine (a misplaced sense of duty made that much bigger as a result of my line of work).

I'm more clearly defining the boundaries of my garden and tending it more lovingly.

But there certainly was MUCH I did wrong. So much of it had to do with not understanding just how different my WW's experience of life is. I assumed too much about how she felt/thought. I assumed that her way of looking at the world was much like my own.

Not so...and it's a tough pill to swallow that I'd been so far off the mark.

Am using that to grow each day.

There are many here who wax extremely eloquently about their feelings and from whom I have learned much.

I'm not one of those people who has a problem getting up in front of people and speak convincingly off the cuff...sometimes in front of thousands.

How is it that when in front of WW...I get tongue-tied...and often blurt out the wrong thing?

I have to plan out what I say to her so much more carefully so I don't respond with my still-evolving instinctual defensiveness

Will probably have Saturday off...will plan to give WW a call this afternoon on the way home.

L2F

Hey L2F! We cross-posted yesterday and then went to a new page on your thread...did you see my post? I think you missed it!

Hi LaLa,

Yes, I did miss it!

Thanks for the reply...and the anticipated 2x4s... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Work just ramped up considerably, making the midweek stay not possible this last week. We become accustomed to remaining flexible in our military line of work...tough on the spouses.

The Marines have "Semper Fi" - always faithful...

In aviation, it's "Semper Gumby" - always flexible... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I AM in good spirits...happy w/ ME, right now.

I truly DO love my wife, and am hoping my family survives this, but I'm also no longer in denial.

I'm not reacting to her, but it's her that will have to file... I won't.

Plan A is the plan until I lose my love...something that dips below acceptable levels on occasion, then I check my expectations and push on...

As for L, I'm pretty much set.

Still so very unclear what's the deal w/ her "relationship" at this point...she's pissed at him (go figure), so the less R and M talk, and more plan A, the better, right?

Standing by for more [censored] kicking... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

L2F

Aw, come on...I didn't whoop ya that bad...LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I was just suggesting some good 'ol fashioned WRENCHES to throw in her little fantasy world...you know, that you have no idea how they happened???

Ya gotta find some way to stop this A from happening, at least make it less convenient, yanno!

Boy, ain't this the truth. I have the same problem. I find myself rehearsing my "speach" in my head all day when I know I'm going to talk to her later....drives me batty!

I just told WW last time we spoke that 3 months ago we were in love and knew the most intimate details about each other, were touchy-feely, emotions were free, etc.....now it seems like she's a total stranger to me. I don't even know when/if it's ok to call her. That's really scary and just boggles my mind how I can be feeling that way about my W ??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

This is a crazy game isn't it?

Crazy game...

So, I call from the road several times and it goes to voicemail. I let her know I might not be home until late. I get a hold of her as I'm about 15 min from home and she's at a friends w/ my son. She immediately tells him they're leaving...the friends wonder what's up.

I ask her to not leave before I get home and she reluctantly agrees.

After some pleasantries I ask to speak w/ her in private.

I tell her I'm confused over what happened 2 weeks ago and the following weekend. She says "I'm just not going there with you"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I say that it was her who brought up her going to go get "closure", and I appreciated her honesty. Then she went to see him the following weekend.

Her reply? "You don't know as much as you think you do..." with much venom...and then "I'm doing it for ME"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Then follows w/ "I gave you papers...and I'm sorry if they were not up to your standards...I'm not a lawyer" (up to your standards...where did THAT come from??)

She walks out of the room and hugs kids goodbye...

I'm so tired of this s#it.

Yanno, it really IS easier when I don't have to see her

A real Plan B indicator, no?

So, thinking I'll start the Plan B letter, but due to realities of my frequent departures, I need to get a handle on just how to craft a way I can maximize flexibility and time w/ kids... Ideas?

What did your L say to do?

Hang in there.

Didn't Jennifer tell you NOT to go to Plan B? I would follow her advice.

Have hope. My ex's OW's hubby came home from Iraq to find out she was having an affair. It went on and on, for 3 and a half years.

Now they are back together and living very happily.

Affairs always end. Hope your wife's doesn't go on for too much longer, but sooner or later it will end. Make a good life for YOU and she will most likely join you.

Hi LaLa,



Pretty much what I've done...separate finances, keep records of her "absences", my time w/ kids...you know, the usual.

I'm pretty realistic about what kind of settlement would eventually be reached if we D'd. Probably more so then WW is, that's for sure...



So true, Believer, and regardless of whether she "comes around", I'll have made the changes needed in MY life.

Yes, Jennifer recommended against Plan B...I'm just my own worst enemy some times. Objectively, non-emotionally, I understand what's going on w/ WW, her A, her MLC, her alcohol use, etc. What's difficult is when confronted w/ her venom, her selfishness, it's hard not to take it, well... personally, yanno?

Coming back here and reading "the script" helps me to put it into perspective...problem is, no matter what's actually going on that's causing her to do what she's doing...it is HER reality right now, and knowing just how stubborn she REALLY is, I am seriously doubting her ability to "get it".

Her mom, her uncle and her grandma are all so sad and very supportive of my efforts...they think the world of me, and have all told me how much they are on "my side".

Her mom told me today that she just found out that WW's other uncle's W is having an affair, as well as WW's brother. Her whole family's got issues...WW's mom is really crushed.

Was looking for some tax papers this afternoon and found a rough letter intended for me that WW wrote early on in the affair.

I won't write it down here b/c I know that it's almost 2 yrs old by now...but still, it was crappy to read how she was trying to tell me how we could still be friends, but that our R could NEVER be physical again...

kinda strange, in that her biggest gripe was how she thought I'd rejected her physically...

I was always the one to initiate SF, and touched, stroked, loved her all the time...really pisses me off how she chooses to characterize it as MY rejection of her... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I was NEVER a selfish lover...ALWAYS looking for ways to make HER feel satisfied... Wasted efforts...

I derived no small pleasure in learning that about a year ago there was trouble in her new little paradise as well...gee, OM started to not measure up either...hmmmmm d'ya suppose perhaps it's something wrong w/ YOU???

that felt good...

So, spending the day skiing w/ DS tomorrow. The weather's great and I'm looking forward to spending time w/ someone who appreciates me. Man, he's a great kid!

Thanks for dropping by guys... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L2F

Hey L2F!

Just spent a 'wonderful' day and a half at "the other big base" up north... I don't know how you can stand the noise of all those noisy jets!!!

I know it's hard, but stay focused on your Plan-A! I know how hard all of this is, but with your upcoming time "away", you can use it to focus on the kids and make any 'interaction' with Mrs. L2F as pleasant as possible.

Like Believer says, the A WILL end... hopefully sooner rather than later. I'm praying for you and your family.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Well...I think I'm done...

Respect, honor, decency, integrity...these are all things WW has shown she does not value, and I have recognized (finally) that she's the person she is, and not the person I want her to be.

So what happened?

I texted WW on Sunday mid-day to let her know that I would be staying Sunday night, and not returning to my place of work.

She calls at 6pm to say that I "can't just let her know that I'm staying, and that I should be asking". She goes on to say that she'd "appreciate it if I'd strip the bed so she can stay there tonight".

I let her know that she's welcome to stay, but that I'll be staying there regardless. She continues to use the phrase "I'd appreciate it if...", but it was clear that it was a nicety she'd been coached to use, and was NOT a request.

She flames me when she gets home, saying how she has to work in the morning and needs a good night's sleep. I calmy let her know that I've had plenty of good night's sleep in the playroom, and she's welcome to stay there.

Nothing doing.

So she just goes to the bedroom and starts stripping the bed...

This was when it began to go downhill.

I wrestle w/ what to do...I can't physically stop her...it would be "assault". I consider calling the police to have them there as a civil standby...but to what end?

WTF do you do when someone refuses to be reasonable?

I've always been the one to back down when she goes psycho...

I ask her to stop, and that it's my bedroom too, and that if she want to stay, she's welcome to, but I won't be put out of my bed.

Continued venom about how we "agreed" that it was "her" night, etc..

I said that it wasn't so much an agreement as it was what she wanted...

I maintain that I'll be staying.

DS gets involved when he hears voices raised.

She says "fine, then since I don't work Tues (this is Sun night), I won't be back until Tues night".

Me: Then who will watch the kids while I'm at work in (work place city)?

WW: That's your problem. If I don't stay in my bed tonight, then you'll have to figure that out...

Me: WW, you can't just leave the kids...

WW: Watch me

DS: Mom, that's called abandonment

WW: DS, I'm not abandoning you...

DS: Mom, yes you are!

Me: WW, you can spend the night here, the playroom, or somewhere else, but I expect you to be here tomorrow when the kids get home from school

WW: you can expect all you want...you decided to stay here, so you can deal with the consequences.

Me: Yes, I'm also the one dealing with the consequences of your sleeping with another man...

pause...

WW: So then, why don't you tell the kids all about your porn addiction? (WW found some files I'm not proud of on our computer about a year ago...they have been deleted and I have not surfed any porn since)

Me: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> WW, you are crossing a very inappropriate line. DS, please leave.

WW: How is that any different or less appropriate than your telling the kids about my A?

Me: Because your having an A affects the kids. The kids already knew what you were doing...I only let them know that I knew as well, and that they could now talk about the elephant in the living room. My "porn addiction", as you like to call it, has/does not have anything to do with the kids.

DS: (who hadn't left)... Mom, all dad told us was that you had a "boyfriend"...and he DIDN'T give any details.

I showed son the door and closed it behind him.

I tried as calmly as I could to tell WW that her motivations appeared to be only an effort to strike back at me, and ultimately are destructive to me and my kids.

She maintained there's no difference...and that my bringing up her A in front of the kids is equally as damaging to HER. I agree it is damaging to her, but that they were her actions and choices, and her leaving the kids to be w/ OM directly affected the kids.

I tell her that we got married in front of our family, the community and God...and our marriage is a matter of public interest...and her choosing to ignore her "duties" as a wife and mother were certainly of interest to our kids.

She counters with "we did NOT get married in front of God, we got married in front of a Judge"... OMG, this from the mouth of the Catholic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I try to explain the difference btwn privacy and secrecy, and I how I wouldn't even remotely consider telling the kids about the "mechanical friend" in her nightstand...

I spend the rest of the evening trying to comfort my overwrought children...

In the end, she intentionally tried to demean me in front of my kids in order for her to deal with her own guilt. How do I ever forgive her for that?

Her motivations in this whole thing have been selfish, ugly and cruel.

My eyes are finally open...and I don't like the creature that I see.

Plan A...not gonna happen any longer.

Plan B...we'll see...but at this point, I plan to go file at the earliest opportunity.

I guess this dovetails nicely w/ MEDC's Respect and Anger thread... My anger at WW is a motivating force to stand up for what is right, for me and my family.

I've had it...

((((((L2F)))))))

I hear ya screamin', man. I think you did absolutely FANTASTIC!!! Even in Plan A world! What a way to REVERSE FOG BABBLE!!

Do what you need to do. It's time. Your kids are with you...way to go!!!

Now you really do need to Learn to Fly......

Too true...

I guess everyone has a line that, once crossed, it's over.

For WW, evidently it happened some time ago.

For me, it was Sun night.

Her viscious attempt to make me look bad to our children, at any cost, was that line.

Her doing so was ultimately destructive to them, and their future relationship with me

I have been as understanding, patient, loving as anyone could possibly be in this...

I was hoping to be "that guy" that WW could eventually see as "her hero", who never gave up...but she's bit my hand one too many times.

I will be civil, in order to spare the kids any further conflict...they so do NOT deserve what she's doing.

But truly, this is now plan F/U.

I could never, in a million years have seen myself in this position...yet, now that I'm here, I feel some sense of self-determination I've needed for a LONG time.

Perhaps I should be "FlyingSolo"...

Are you prepared to deal with WW if she ends up running back to you screaming "I'm sorry...I love you...don't do this"?

Hey, man, not saying this will happen (don't let that influence your decision).....but once she gets her world rocked you never know.

Just throwing it out there so you think about it and are prepared if it should happen.....you might as well make your plan now so you aren't a deer in headlights if it happens. It looks like you are firmly in control of YOU and are ok with this step now.....but if she flips on you it might totally make you go whacko!!

Like I said....just making you think, man. Be strong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />