Happy Bday L2F!

I'm behind you in the bday department by 1 year and 18 days....( saw your signature line on Queenie's thread).

Hope you have a fantastic time with your kids and have some more great weather. I love it when spring finally arrives around here.

If you get a chance, you should head out to the Tulip Festival in my neck of the world. The week-end of the street fair is great fun, and there's lots of good food in town.

Without the Tulip Fest all we could lay claim to is being the world's largest provider of frozen peas.

Thanks JT!

I know the Tulip festival well.

Spent most of my summers as a child on Camano Island...driving through Stanwood and by the Twin City Foods plant.

We certainly live in one of the most beautiful parts of the world, don't we?!

Have a wonderful day!

L2F

Hi L2F,

Have a great birthday tomorrow.


LOL, A couple of months ago I was clearing off the book shelf in DD2's room in preparation of tearing down wall paper and painting, and I was actually shocked by the number of infidelity, affair recovery, boundary, type books that I have collected. We BS here could all join together and open a broken hearts bookstore.

Who

...all the books I've read have pretty much backed up all I've read and heard here on MB...

Been gone a little while and am currently on leave. Came home and WW stayed at the house (spare bedroom) for a couple of nights while going to work.

Unlike the previous year, she was pleasant while in the house together and we even had a couple of meals together.

We sat and watched some TV and she was positively chatty...

What up???

I know that she continues some form of contact w/ loserboy, the extent is unknown.

I don't want to have ANY expectations at this point, but her behavior was just so totally unexpected...I mean she was NICE, for goodness sake!...

Someone please weigh in and help me to not mess it up, one way or the other at this point...

Ahhhhh...trying to figure out a wayward is like trying to nail jello to wall, L2F! There could be several reasons...

Most likely, she has sensed that your "give-a-[censored]" machine is broken- and when THAT happens, all of a sudden, the wayward does a bit of an about face. All this time, she has likely felt you were pining for her, etc. Now she realizes your changes and has taken notice.

Another possible reason is that she is about to lower some sort of boom on you...D papers, LSA making you move out of the house, etc. This makes a far-gone wayward positively giddy as they feel they have the upper hand against the "monster" that is their husband/wife. Sort of the *singing* "I know something you don't know..." kind of crap.

Yet another reason is that while you were away, she got her fix big-time and is content for a while.

Once again...focus on yourself, because you are the only one who makes any sense...lol! Keep doing what makes you happy!!

By the way--don't know if I've told you this, but...thank you for serving our country, sir! You are a hero in many ways. Keep your head held high!!

And God Bless ya!

LaLa!

Good to hear from you...and thanks for the thanks! I'm happy to serve...it's something that gives me both great pride and humility.

Yeah, you're right about trying to figure her out...just didn't want ME to do something stupid.

I'm leaning towards the first possibility, only b/c she doesn't doesn't have the time to make such a legal plan.

Also, it's unlikely she's gotten a "fix", b/c she's been busy w/ kids.

I could be totally wrong, however...

On a separate note, in the last 30 minutes I got two phone calls.

Call 1 was an old female friend of WW in another state and she hung up when I answered. I called her back and asked if she needed WW's cell number (she's left for the weekend already). I had confided in this friend some time ago and she gave me very good "christian" advice. Then, she started emailing WW telling her that she wished I'd stop emailing...wow.

Then, just a few minutes ago, WW's mom called and, among other things, let me know that WW's grandmother was planning to take WW out of her will and wanted me to know...just what am I supposed to do w/ THAT info??


Ain't that the truth? Life is truly stranger than fiction...I'm just trying to enjoy my life here and there's nothing but craziness all around me.

Had a good day doing some yardwork...it's beautiful here in the northwest, even if spring IS late...

L2F,

Just stopping in to say "hey." Glad to see you back on the board. Enjoy your leave. I was supposed to be on leave today but cancelled it. It's going to be sunny and 80 degrees today so now I wished I was still going to be off.

Oh Well.

Soon, in only 3 1/2 months, I'll be on transition leave!

Best,

Who

Howdy Who!

3 1/2 months, but who's counting...

What will you do next?

WW is now reading "The Truth about Love", by Dr Patricia Love...one of the many books on my Lonely Hearts bookshelf.

...hmmmmm

I often wonder when she's reading these books (a couple of weeks ago it was Chapman's "Five Love Languages") if it's for OUR marriage, to learn something for herself, or to regain the "spark" in her affair...kinda drives me nuts.

Really wrestled with the news about her grandmas's will...yet another example of the far-reaching consequences the she's blind to or just won't face. It makes me so very sad.

DS just gets more and more angry at WW. We were walking the dog yesterday and he was venting about how much of a hypocrite WW is. Just not sure how to respond to that one...I want him to build a good relationship with her, and yet she is the one LB'ing HIM with her ongoing independant behavior and DJs.

I'll soon be gone for 2 straight months and am going to take both kids to a counseling session next week in preparation.

Hey there...just a quick update.

I'm home on leave through the end of next weekend then gone for 2 months.

WW has been in the house during the week the last two weeks while iv'e been here and is exceedingly pleasant...almost like she's waiting for some shoe to drop...from me.

I emailed her some time ago and she still hasn't responded. I asked her about it and she claimed she'd not read it, that she NEVER checks that email (her personal one) anymore. Well, I have a pretty good sense that that's not the case and that she's avoiding the primary issue I brought up, that being my need for transparency as my fundamental boundary.

I told her that she could go to the sent items of our joint email and left it at that.

I was out of town w/ the kids yesterday evening and I could easily see with a couple of "back" clicks that she'd read them then marked them unread... (rolley eyes icon)

This morning again she's as pleasant as ever.

Here's my conundrum:

I'm going to be gone and "need" some kind of closure...for ME. At this stage, no matter what she's doing, what she's thinking doesn't so much matter as my KNOWING what it is does...if that makes sense.

I do NOT want to be gone for 2 months "wondering" if she's going to go see him, texting him, etc., etc. If she makes that choice, then fine...I'll proceed w/ Plan B and file for D.

Thing is, I'm almost getting the sense that the fog is lifting...ever so slowly, and the person I've been able to be in the last months...specifically some OUTSTANDING plan A'ing over the last 2 weeks...has shown her just how great this can be.

I don't want to mess this up...someone PLEASE give me some inputs/ideas how to proceed here in the coming days before my departure.

Do I have R talk (face to face)? Doing it through email has allowed her to feel "safer", and doesn't associate my "agenda" with my face...

I truly wonder if she's starting to come around...

Do I just continue plan A for the remainder of the week and also from afar?

My tendency to need action is clouding my judgment here...HELP PLEASE!!!

L2F

Are you off to undisclosed locations?

I'm a former tanker guy. Best of luck to you out there or wherever you're heading.

I think I'd be a wreck if I deployed with my W cheating on me and if I knew that to be the case.

It may be time to lay it on the table and get that closure for your own sake while you are there. You need to know one way or the other while you're gone or your distractions could have disasterous consequences.

Are you part of a crew or in single seat?

In a single seat you could be terribly distracted and have a terrible consequence as a result.

A crew can back you up, but you may be a hinderance.

I wish you the best in every respect and hope your W pulls her head out.

This is a terrible hole to have open and I hope it works out for you.

Pomdbd3,

Thanks for the reply!

We'll be near conus, not overseas, and I can be in phone contact w/ her and the kids on a frequent basis.

Quite honestly, I'm pretty darned good at compartmentalization and was deployed w/in Iraq with the full knowledge of what was going on and was not a danger to myself or others. Now in my FREE time, I obsessed big time...tried to fill up my free time as much as possible.

Not currently aviating, in more of an operational oversight role. Don't need to worry about me rolling inverted and pulling

L2F:

What, just WHAT makes you think that she is committed to the marriage?

Did I miss something?

On March 30, you gave her a double barrel dose of what you really thought.

And it seems that it has been forced smiles ever since.

Your going away for two months. She can survive just about anything until next week, because she gets two months to play.

And there is nothing you can do about it.

That's why they call it an addiction.

She gets her crack when your ship sails. In the meantime, she is paying for it.

Accept that the only thing that can happen is that she does the right thing. And that only SHE can do that. It really is up to her at this point.

If she can't keep her pants on for two months, than thats her choice. And you can proceed accordingly.

LG

LG, all true.

The feeling is that in the last few weeks she has spent time talking to me, being with me, going out to dinner w/ me and the kids, has appeared more comfortable w/ me than in a very long time...going on 6 months.

OBTW, when I'm gone, it makes her going to see OM pretty much impossible as I'm not home "babysitting" on the weekends. He's not near, so it would continue to be a long distance relationship during that time.


Absolutely, and I get that, I truly do. The thing I'm wrestling w/ is the lack of honesty...something I need in order to make informed decisions about my life based on the truth.

What I'm asking is if I should force the issue now or let her process on the changes she's actually been able to see in me since she's actually been around?

Another way of looking at it is that I'm paying attention to her ACTIONS, and she's appeared to have moved significantly from withdrawal to engagement with me...

What I'm looking for is some mentoring/coaching so that I do and say the RIGHT THINGS at this critical juncture...TMTS's thread comes to mind and I'd sure appreciate some good advice at this point!

Bueller?

...Bueller???

Hey folks, I'm leaving for two months in just under a week and would surely like some input based on WW's recent apparent change in behavior.

Short version for those not up to speed:

I've spent much time away over the last couple of years, including a command tour in Iraq.

WW's A is well past it's peak, but just what its state is is unclear at this point.

WW feels it's none of my business, and b/c of my spying a long time ago, is very secretive.

MC (whom I've long since fired due to her utter lack of understanding of the mechanics and psychology of infidelity) led WW to believe that she didn't need to tell me where she was going when she left.

I work in another city during the week and come home on weekends...WW routinely leaves to go to area in vicinity of OM, but possibly to spend time w/ OM's M. This has made Plan A pretty darn difficult.

WW has been very withdrawn from me for a long time...

Since reaching my own point of "enough is enough", I sent her an email letting her know as much and that my two boundaries are that she stop seeing OM and that she starts being transparent.

Call it a "pre Plan B Letter"

Since then she's been as nice as can be, but has not responded to my "ultimatum".

No R talk while we've been together...just enjoying not fighting and feeling like she's not "fleeing" when I'm around...she's been positively chatty...

Vets, where are you...I could really, really use some advice here PLEASE!!!

L2F,

Don't roll inverted and pull!

So you must be a single seater. Rolling the 135 isn't impossible (Chuck Johnson did it to show it off) but it would certainly not be looked too kindly on.

I think it's hard for others to give you feedback because you have such a short time.

I suggest going romantic and making the most of the time you have left. A Super Plan A with lots of attention to her and silly little romantic things that will have her thinking of you.

Perhaps you can hide little notes all over the house that she'll find over the months as she goes about her business.

So put them in her outfits, her glove compartment, the shade of her car, and other nooks and crannies where she'll find them while you're gone. Make them funny or cute or affectionate.

Other than that, I don't know what else to tell you other than make the most of it before you go.

Pomdbd3,

I like the idea of notes...unless I'm totally reading her wrong about her possible change of heart. Then, they'd just be the unwanted gift that would keep on giving...for 2 months...and I couldn't undo it. See my problem?

I'm thinking I'm truly afraid at this point to have this conversation with her because I'm letting expectations creep in...

Any other ideas??!!

hi Fly

Plan A is to remind the WS of what an excellent spouse you can be.

Plan B is to (a) protect the BS from the hurtful chaos of an active affair) and (b) show the WS what life will be like without the BS in it in any way.

As I understand it a good plan A is well indicated before plan B'ing unless you are so broken by your WS hurtful behaviour that you cannot remain in contact.

So in your case, if you can spend enough time with your W to plan A effectively then run a six week tight plan A with boundaries in place.

That is you are the best spouse you can be but make it clear that to uphold your dignity you cannot remain for long in an environment where your W was untrustworthy and having an affair ( and whatever your personal boundaries are).

Then if your W is not meeting those boundaries fully in SIX WEEKS you go very dark immediately ( having planned that during plan A of course).

Know that your W is a true cake-eater and will try all kinds of crap to try to prevent you from going and staying dark.

What you think ?

Thanks for the reply, Bob! How's the weather in my native country??


That's what I'm finally getting a chance to do now that she's around during the week...and so am I (too bad I can't be on leave forever...)

So much of my "Plans" have been driven by the tough realities of my job.

In total, I will have been home for 2 weeks straight before I leave for 2 months. During this time I was Plan A'ing like a pro...no expectations, loving yet detached, meeting whatever need I could divine, yet not pushing.

I've been cooking, I've been patient, I've been thoughtful and just downright nice. This is the person I've become, and doing it doesn't really take much effort anymore. I could do this for a very long time...as could she, evidently as you're right, she's cake eating big time.

My problem is that I'm torn about how/if to broach the "OK, so let's talk about my boundaries" talk...I need some coaching on how to do it, what to say, what not to say, etc.

Or, do I just Plan A like crazy now, then leave, continue carrying on the best Plan A I can while gone...then when I get back, reevaluate?

I'm getting a little antsy...something that always happens before going away for awhile...

Just sit her down and talk it out. Unfortunately, military life forces us to put things on the table sooner than we would like.

But don't be afraid to.

Let her know how difficult it will be for you to deploy without resolving this in one way or another and see what she has to say.