I know like a lot of other post, we all o not want to have to be here...but I am, like you all.
I thought my WH was my soul mate and have been with him for 18 years and we have twin 4 year olds and a 6 year old. They are truly adored my both of us. We have always been called "Ken and Barbie" with the perfect little family, twins and all. And I too thought we did as well. We NEVER had sexual/initmate issues, as it was many times a week for 18 years, prior to A. He lost his job after 15 years, as an upper exec. and he said it was his identity and had a difficult time finding another position at his level. Turned 40 at the same time and began to look up old girlfriends. I found emails from his first love back in October of 2006. And things like "great talking to you for so long today, I got nothing done", etc... She is married and has 3 children as well and lived in another state from us. So I confronted him about them and it was, the song and dance of just needing a friend to talk to, outside of me and the children, during this low point of his life. He would come and go for hours on end during this time, and did not have a job at the time. He would even tell me thank so much for giving my space and not hounding me right now, as I cannot just sit around the house doing nothing..."I am stir crazy"....so I thought wow, I am doing a good thing. Then as months into 2007 came around...he had a job that he worked from home and would have to go meet clients. At this time he still was away a lot from home and not many results in sales, IMO. I still conintued to what I thought...give him space for his sanity....but all the while I started to resent that he always gone leaving me and the children hours on end alone...and twins and a child 20 mos. older is a very busy, difficult time. I never thought he was having an A ever...thought not him. We had a terrible summer, he always seemed angry at me...nothing was right.
So by October 2007, he was like we need to go to counseling because of everything wrong all stemmed from me and not him and that I was not the person he married, he felt like I did not love him, and that I had changed the most. I wasn't blind, I knew we weren't happy, so was all game to go to counseling to salvage our 18 yrs. and adorbale family. He went into counseling stating that everything was my fault and that he needed to be put on a pedestal and I don't do that. So a I am feeling really bad about ow...okay maybe when he said he needed his space he really didn't and what could I do to get things back on track. So we go to counseling once week and I am making the effort to move forward. Thanksgiving rolls aound and we are out of town...and the day after he disappears for 4 hours, came back for 15 minutes, and I told him I was unhappy he left us all there at my sister's and he says again "I cannot just sit around and chat, plus I am looking for something for u for x-mas". Disappears for 5 more hours. I was very hurt and sad. We had been going to counseling for a month now and he still was doing whatever he wants. He went to charge his phone, as he said tha battery as not working well. So I went and checked call log and he forgot to delete one...it was to OW...the old g-friend. I was sick. So once home I began to research. He changed all passwords to cell phone company, credit cards, and bank account. As I was a dummy and never pay bills, so never got on those sites much. I was very suspisious. He left his phone again and I discovered his password to cell phone on house phone, when he called to check voicemails from the house. When I checked it, there were 14 voicemails from OW...with anywhere from I love you, to explicit comments, to I cannot wait to smell u again, to average rambling. I was sick beyond belief. But decided to hold it together, until after bed so I could get online and see cell activity. Got new password emailed to his cell phone while he was a asleep..got on there and I about fell to the floor. I chose at random 1 month to look at and in 1 month alone there were over 300 calls to each other. Some phone conversations uninterrupted for over 3 hours! I was in total disbelief...as how can someone talk that much. So I wanted to get her info and did reverse phone look up and when I did it said my husbands name as that number...was confused at that moment. So looked at phones on the account...and OMG...it wsa there...he purchased a phone under our account for her, in Dec.2006 and sent it to her. So natrually all her call log on that number was strictly to him. So I knew her H had no idea about this secret cell phone that they had between. I printed the 6 mos worth of calls that I could and walked upstairs and he heard me come in...and I told him that him and OW were busted. U can imagine how that nite turned out...He promised there was no sexual relationship that she lived so far away that he had an EA.So we go back to counselor and reveal all this and he told Guy he has been dishonest this whole time...coming here blaming me all the while still obssesively talking to OW. Like all know, the counselor said...cut all ties now. Send an email that it's over and NC. He said he would and needed me so badly to go out of town with him the next day on business trip, did not want to be away from me at this time. We worked on reconnecting those 3 days and talking a lot to work through it while no stresses of children, everyday life back home. I thought OK, we can do this, as he made me many promises. We continue counseling for weeks and one day while he was napping that intuition set in and I looked back at cell logs and again a random month...saw her cell showed origination of calls in a town only a little over an hour from us...so was suspisious...looked at his and low and behold...yep, his origin...same city. Check dates and was when I went to family vacation and he was going to come 3 days later because of "work". To try and wrap this up, once again busted...he said ok, only 2 times. Continue counseling...then I asked periodically if he talked to her and he admitted he called her from the trip we went on to reconnect and talk..."just to see if she was returning the cell phone". A week later...I discovered 3 times they met and spent the night together. And continued weekly couples counseling...assured "all was out now...what did I have to lose." THEN find out 5 times. I found his login for hotel and got full printed report of their stays and it even said 2 guests...got to love that. So 2 months later...still lies...more and more piles up.
I feel like I am so spent and all the roaches are going to keep coming...and yes, I did contact the OW H and he said he thought something was going on with her and him, but of course had no idea of the full details.
I feel like now I want to seperate and he of course still blames me...but for the last year he has been living a double life and leaving us behind for his selfish needs, without communicating. When I have since counseling tried to do that, he still lies, stating he figured there already enough hurt, why tack on.
I have come to a point where I feel I do not want to regret trying to stay together and then another 10 years feel like we want to call it off and then have had lived in misery for both of us. He of course, does not want a seperation. He wants us to do this for our family. But I feel broken to the core and do not think I can give him those "adoring eyes" that he wants from me.... ever again. I cannot get past this,as I gave it a shot and more lies keep being revealed. He tries to say things (lashing of course) like "no one will want u with 3 children, u are gorgeous on the outside, but hateful on the inside, u will not live this quality of life like u do w/out me, u will have to work for the first time in 6 yrs.,etc..." I have always been an extremely outgoing, positive, fit person, but now feel secluded and not my outgoing self. He thinks I will be embarrased by this, since all his friends and family talk about how beautiful I am and that it can happen to even a physically beautiful person...but he's wrong I am not embarrased at all, I think it's the opposite so he's trying to keep me low.
Is there any suggestions on if there is ever anyone that was in similiar situation, that ever could have that love again, or am I too far broken. I have asked for a seperation and he seems shocked and I think he thought I was not strong enough to do this....I was trying to be strong and work through this, but the continued lies has made me not want this any longer....anyone have any words of wisdom? THANKS for reading so much, if you did.

I will tell you that this is hard enough when you know you want to stay. The fact that you have made it here suggest that you are not sure what you want to do. Once your feelings for someone are gone...truly gone...they are hard to impossible to recover. Do an inventory of your feelings. Ask yourself if you are truly ready to let go. If not, people here can help you. If you are ready, hire a good attorney and let him handle the divorce.

Dr. Harley is right there with people that come to him and are wanting a divorce. It is not an unhealthy thing to say enough is enough.

Are there any circumstances that you would be willing to take another chance on your marriage? Is there anything he can do to make you want to try again?

Here are some thoughts that might ease your fear moving forward...

polygraph...to make sure you have gotten all the truth out

post nuptial agreement to protect you against future infidelity

Do not be hard on yourself. It isn't you that has been weak. This is his failure. Do what will make you the happiest in the long term. Sometimes that is divorce and sometimes it is staying and making things work.

My personal opinion is, based on your story, i would walk...but what do you want? What is best for you right now?

I am sorry you are going through this. Hopefully you will find some wisdom on these boards that will help you through this mess.

MEDC

My first reaction is- you need to tune him out immediately. He is tearing you down with his fog babble to make you feel insecure and helpless. You are anything but those things!! And you certainly shouldn't be embarrassed...where is the logic there (which we all know in that wayward state there is NO logic)? If he cannot stay faithful even when his wife has been a great mother and W and has kept herself looking good after having 3 children, etc...who do you thinks looks bad in that scenario? So, read Orchid's Reverse Babble and learn how to shut him up without LBs.

And MEDC is right, you have to decide what it is you want. If you want to fix things, go to full Plan A immediately and use your tools of exposure, snooping, etc, to try and end the A. Remember that you cannot control what HE does, only what YOU do. If there is anything you feel you need to change...either personally or financially, etc, start doing them now to prepare yourself. And council with an attorney to see what your rights are and how you can protect yourself and your children if you decide to kick him out. You should definitely stay put and make him move out if it comes to that...DO NOT leave your home!!

Good luck to you and your family!

PS...can you call the Harleys for a phone session?

LC, welcome to MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know the pain you're in...most of us here have felt it, along with experiencing the incredible WS alien behavior...

Do not try to make sense of it yet, otherwise you will become as crazy as your WH is...and THAT's a fact!

After only one post, I would be the LAST to suggest walking away.

There are many steps between here and that conclusion, in my estimation

Stay here...get grounded, get educated, develop a plan...

Other vets should be coming by shortly to assist...

All the best, L2F

Welcome to MB. Hope you will ask him to write her a no contact letter. It should say that the affair was a mistake and a huge insult to his family, that he loves you and wants to work on the marriage, and desires no contact from her ever again FOREVER. Then you approve and send it.

See if he will agree to that, and you will know how serious he is about working on the marriage.

yes, our counselor has told me use the bull fighting scenerio...put up the cape and when rants...just pull the cape to the side and let it go. I really, really have tried and done it. And yes, I am a size 2 after 3 little one's and my sister use to talk about how I practiced the old school of the wife looking "nice" when hubby came home...fresh lipstick, put together, and would brag on it to others...so whole heartly in a physical aspect it's not it...it was communication and as I have been lied so much too for so long, I am not feeling "in the game". he totally rants as even is the one that told me of this site and other therapy type of places on dealing with infidelity. His family knows (my mom has passed) and I am sooooooooo very close with his mom and they are strictly crying as much as we are...but I feel almost his pleas are a game since he realizes that him and OW have 6 children and spouses between that it's just too much and "actually being together permently" is not reality and at the same time I feel because of "baggage" the he does not that HE REALLY wants me...make sense????

Hi Lv,

I'm so sorry you are here. My eyes are having a hard time reading what you wrote. If you can split up your paragraphs for these old eyes it would help. I am going to get up earlier and read your story.

I am pretty new myself and don't like to give advice as I am in a really hard situation. BUT I am learning, working and have FAITH that me, my M and my life will one day be ok.

You are in a safe and great place. Ask all the questions you need to and know that people on here really do care and will hold your hand, walk you through and get on your case when you need it.

Queenie