HI, I am 27 and have been married for 9 yrs on February. My H is 26. We have two children, and our marriage has been rough to say the least. After only 3 mths of marriage he was unfaithful, but we got over it and moved on, then almost a year later he was unfaithful yet again. We got over, and then a few months later I was the one that was unfaithful. Last year, he out of the blue said wanted a divorce. Said he wasn't happy with his life, that I hold him back, I've gained weight, so I don't look the same. Etc.... I come to find out he's seeing someone else too. This has been going on since August. He doesn't want to leave the OW, but he doesn't want to leave home either. He doesn't seem to mind how much this hurts me or the children. The children know about the situation, they even know of whom this girl is.
He doesn't want to leave her or us. So, I don't know what to do.I have tried Plan A, and I'm just not financially stable to do Plan B, and honestly I'm afraid to be alone. From what I read, Plan B would be to separate, for me to leave right?
What do you all think about this. Help please, and thanks for reading.

Hi Claud,

Welcome to MB!

Your situation doesn't sound hopeless to me... Many here will advise you that since the A's happened so early in the M, that you should just divorce. That is one option that you can take, but it's not the only one.

It's critical that you expose your H's A and work on bringing it to an end. As long as he is in contact with the OW, your Plan-A efforts are not going to be very effective.

I also strongly suggest that you give the Harley's a call and schedule an appointment with them... if you can't afford that, then at least, I would try and find a good pro-marriage MC to help you and your H learn to communicate with each other and work through these issues.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Also, you should not leave your home. If he needs space to conduct his A, then he should be the one to leave.

You should study the basic concepts and Plan A on this site. It sounds like you two both need to learn a new pattern to interact with each other. Unfortunately for you, with your H in an A, the heavy lifting falls on your shoulders.

There is hope. Read and ask questions.

How old are your kids?

Hi, thanks for answering. H is not willing to do counseling I have asked him. He's not willing to leave her, but he won't leave us either. I have tried to negotiate and show him I am more than willing to change what he doesn't like about me or what have you. His answer is "you do what you need to do, and when there are results, we'll see" meaning he wont' stop seeing her.
I have confronted the girl, and she just doesn't care, and won't stop seeing him either. So, I'm stuck. I don't know how much of this I can take, it's taken a big toll on me. Our 2 kids are D is 8 and our S is 4.
They know her name, they've met her, as she was a co-worker of his.
I am just running out of steam, and being alone it's scary and not what I want, me not feeling all this pain, it's starting to win, and I'm wanting to just walk away.
I don't care anymore whether or not he's going to pay or anything like that, I just want the pain to stop.

Claud,

Hang in there - and get ready for the questions:

Is your husband still living at home, moved out or moving between 2 locations?

How old are the children?

Do you work outside the home?

Is the other woman married, engaged, dating or single?

When it comes to children, my hackles raise fast and high. Have you contacted an attorney to just look into what your options are in regards to finances, property, custody and to see if there is anything you can do legally to keep the OW away from your children?

Plan B comes after Plan A. Have you read up on the Plans?
If not here is a LINK to PLAN A INFO

Also, when you click on that link, on the left you will see an index of other articles that would be helpful for you to read.

Hi, H is still living at home, however 4 nights out the week at least he doesn't come home till after 4am. So, he's not really living here. When he comes home he expects to sleep in our bed and of course have sex. I am so torn about that. That is another subject though. LOL
Our daughter is 8 and she's cried and told him, she wants to be a family again. Our son is 4 and has told him he doesn't want H seeing the OW. Those cries have fallen on deaf ears though. I started to work outside the home, since I had to get ready to be alone, but I was a s WAHM, and I was home schooling the kids, which is something I am very mad at him for. I love my kids and loved home schooling them. Anyhoot, the OW I think she's single, I don't know much about her. I wish I did, but not much else. Thanks I have been reading and will continue to. I guess I just really need friends and some supports.

Okay, here are some suggestions.

You will find a strong division between MBers when it comes to continuing to have sex with a wayward spouse. Both sides have pros and cons.

I tend to lean on the Con side for the following reasons. STDs. Some incurable. Some deadly. And there is no form of barrier method that is 100% safe. There are also the psychological factors of engaging in intimacy with a wayward spouse who was just intimate with the OP - that is not an easy one to deal with. You nor your wayward spouse really know who the OP may be sleeping with at the same time, greatly increasing the number of disease vectors.

The folks on the Pro side point out that if sex was a marital issue before in the marriage, then having sex with the wayward spouse is a way to assure them that you are earnest about working on the marriage. They also point out that sex is one way of trying to maintain a connection with a wayward who may be sitting on the fence.

It would be in your best interest to know who the other woman is and whatever else you can find out about her legally. She may be married and if she is, you telling her husband can be a step toward bringing the affair to an end.

I homeschooled as well, so I know that being unable to do that will be an additional splinter in your heart.

Were the other affairs similar to this one? Did the two of you deal with his prior infidelities in any way or were they just shoved under the table?

Do you have extended family, close friends, fellow church members - people who can be a support, a shoulder and a listening ear for you during this time?

Hi Claud, we're here for ya! I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Sounds like some of the worst fog babble I've heard yet! So sad about the children! Do what you can to protect them from his actions.

Who have you exposed to?

And the SF thing is NOT another subject. While he is sleeping with both of you, he is possibly exposing you to STDs. I would absolutely cut out the SF until he 1. stops seeing her and 2. gets tested for STDs. You are not his slave, hon. You do not need to risk your life for his bad choices! How dare he come home at 4:00 a.m. after being with her and then expect you to have sex with him. PUH-LEEZE!!! Uh-uh, no way. You can Plan A him without crossing your boundaries, and this should be one of them!

Hang in there! ((((Claud))))

There are a few things you can do right now that will help.

You should talk to a lawyer about your options. If you have been a SAHM, homeschooling young children, he could be required to provide quite a bit of support to keep that the case. A lawyer could tell you what you'd be entitled to if you did separate. That doesn't mean you have to separate, but knowing your options will help you make decisions.

You also need to secure your finances. Make sure that he can't steal money from the family to spend on his A. Move money from bank accounts, get credit card statements and utility bills and start keeping very close track of expenses. Close joint credit cards and get one of your own. Get a checking and savings account of your own.

You said that your children know about the woman, and that your H worked withher. Does he stil work with her? Does their employer know? What about his friends and family, and yours? Have you told everyone about what's going on? Affairs aren't so much fun anymore when all your friends and family are looking at you funny. How about her family? There are tools online that will help you track them down. Start with googling her name, address, phone number, whatever info you have.


You said you've been in Plan A -- what has that meant to you? What kinds of things are you doing? What are his needs and how are you meeting them? How long have you been in Plan A?

You can also start implementing some boundaries. It's not ok to come straight from someone else's bed into yours, and it's most definitely ok for you to say that. You should flat out tell him, nice and calmly, with a super sweet smile on your face -- "Honey, you will be welcome to sleep in this bed only when it's the only bed you are sleeping in. There's a pillow and blanket on the couch for you."


Sex with a WS is a very controversial subject around here. You'll hear lots of opinions. You need to be very, very wise about that decision, it has lots of ramifications. You are be exposing yourself to deadly consequences, not to mention the emotional toll that it could end up taking on you. But there are also those here who have used SF as part of their Plan A, meeting the needs of their WS. It's a serious decision with major consequences, so please make sure you're thinking it through and really making your own informed choice ahead of time, not just "going with what you think you should do at the moment".


Right now, of course your H doesn't want to leave, he has the best of both worlds. He's "cake eating". If you've done a sufficient Plan A, then the best thing you can do is let him not have your cake anymore. Let him figure out that the OW's cake is really not enough.

Until you can do that, he will have no reason to give up either one of you.

Your message to him should be "We can have a really great marriage, but only if there is no third person involved."

Also ... your H doesn't have to agree to MC right now for YOU to get counseling. Many BS's start counseling with the Harley's long before the WS comes around to being open to it. If you are able to do it, they can help you set up a good plan of action. If you can't afford it, try calling in to the radio show.

You have a lot of garbage to overcome, with all the previous A's on both sides .... but it's do-able. You both need the right tools. They're out there, though, and it's possible. You're going to be ok.

-AmI.

IMHO, this is his third affair...that you know of (I would bet there were many more)....you need to get over your fear of being alone. Your husband is a serial cheater and I would suggest that you immediately speak to a lawyer to find out what your options are.

It is important for you to get counseling. If you can afford the Harley's great. I think it would be important to find out if you desire to stay with a man that has cheated on you at a minimum of three times and is cake eating with the latest one, is driven by your fears or your desire to maintain your family.

I think serial cheaters are a horrible bunch that need to be treated a bit more directly than a one time affair. Again, if you can afford the Harley's, give them a call. I do think IC is certainly a must for you right now too.

Since your H wants to eat cake, he obviously KNOWS he has something to lose at home. Let him know that if he is going to continue seeing this woman, he is NOT coming home to you. Do not enable his horrible behaviors.

Also, make sure you are protecting yourself against STDS. In other words, do not sleep with him. Respect yourself enough to not be one of his women.

I am sorry you need to be here.

Hi, thank you all for your advise and all.
I did stop sleeping with him, I couldn't take it anymore. I even told him to not even sleep in my bed, but it lasted about 2 days. I just don't have the heart to say no, most of the times. I know, I am so weak and I wish I wasn't.
I have thought about STD's which is why I had to stop, his just so non chalant(ms) about everything. I tell him to not come to my bed and I explain why w/o getting upset or anything and he says "OK, I understand". I printed out the questionaire, to officially start Plan A, but he doesn't want to do it. I really do think it's time for me to go. However, I've been told, that if I leave the house, he can sue me for abondonment of household.
A lot people know of his affair, his mom, brothers, my parents, grandparents, and my brother and SIL.
His aunt knows, some friends, but it doesn't face him. My MIL has been really good, and very supportive, he just gets upset with her because he doesn't want to hear it.
It's been extremely hard for me, since 1 week after he tells me all this, I find out my mom has breast cancer. So, it was ****** for me for a while. When H and I had problems my mom helped, when mom and I had problems H helped, now I didn't have anyone. I couldn't exactly go to her and bring her down, when she was in the fight of her life. KWIM.
She's ok, now, and she will make it. Thank God, however I was alone for all these months.
The other affairs weren't like this. The first was and EA from what he told me and it was like a month or so. The second one, I know he slept with her, but I believe only one time. It was over and done with and pretty much swept under the rug. We didn't go to counseling or talk about it or anything. I think maybe it's about time this is just over and done with. There has been so much crap ( forgive my french). I just don't know where to start. I don't have good credit, I don't have the money for a lawyer. I need another job, since I just have a part-time. I didn't want to bombard the kids with me working full-time on top of the divorce. This is life changing for them and I wanted it to be as painless and it can be.

don't believe anything he says. Speak to a lawyer and find out what your true rights are(free consults are available). What is likely to happen is HE will need to find a place to live when you and the kids are granted use of the home. Whatever you have to do, you need to speak to a lawyer. Find the money or use credit.

Speak to an attorney. It sounds like your H is an immature and cruel man. You will need to grow up very quickly to handle these things. Don't bother using a wish to not be weak any longer. Just make a decision that YOU WILL NEVER BE A DOORMAT AGAIN. If you made that call today...your life would be better tomorrow.

Hi Claud,

I'm sorry you are here. Your situation is not hopeless. But you have to start turning things around. First, you have to look at yourself. Do you want THIS man? Why? Financial security? Let's for a moment take that off the books. If you were financially secure, is this the man you would want to spend the rest of your life with? A man who is openly disregarding the safety and well being of you AND YOUR KIDS? Think on that. Unless something drastic happens, those kids will be continually hurt by his actions.

Fear...we all have been there. It prevents us from doing many things that ought to be done. If you weren't scared what would you do?

You need to act and not react. His actions are dictating your life right now. Take some control back. Take action.

Visit a lwayer. Charge it if you have to.

Get a new job. Start to get some independence financially. Get a leg to stand on. Protect yourself and your kids. He's not going to right now. His priority is himself now.

Get a hold of your fear, understand WHAT is so frightening and decide to change it. You can be strong. You can do what's right for your family. Someone has to.

Read this site and understand the "carrot and the stick" of plan A.


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The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


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You cannot linger here. It's time to take some control back. What do you want Claud?

Personally, in your sitch, I'd concentrate more on the stick right now.