I am not sure if we are in recovery now, it doesn't seem that there is an OM now, but we sure aren't anywhere close to affection. Anyway, married 12 years, 3 kids, was great ( I thought ). Married right out of high school, moved around the country every 4 years ( career Navy ). WW graduated as an RN and started working nights in the ER. She became extremely close with co-workers. Male and Female. At the same time, we had been having communication problems, loss of affection, lots of LB's! Well, she now would choose her friends over her family. Not exaggerating, all our old friends don't know what happened to her. She goes to clubs till the wee hours and she wants me to have nothing to do with it. I have never even met her "friends" A few months into it, she began having an EA. I found the letters last month. Since then I have been in ******. The EA is over, I am pretty sure.
I don't believe there is currently an OM. She is not apologetic, she has no feelings for me. She has agreed to MC. We went for our first session last week. I thought it was going great, she said she would like to continue, but she could not tell the MC that she was committed to our marriage. She said sometimes yes and sometimes no.
That upset me. After the session, I told her maybe she should move out. She had mentioned previously she was thinking about it. I thought that with her out of the house, what she was doing wouldn't hurt so bad. The next day, she completely changed, called me a few times to check how I was doing etc. I had hope. Then the following day, it all started back over. I told her she needed to move out. She has found a room at a girlfriends house. She said she is going to move out for two weeks to see. I won't hold my breath when two weeks comes and goes. Anyway, today I told her that I didn't want her to move out. I hate being weak, but I told her that I was willing to work it out while we were in the same house. She said she now thinks it is a good idea, just to see. I told her I support whatever she decides and that if she decides she'd like to come home earlier, that she will be welcome. We went to lunch, had a nice talk, got some coffee and picked up the kids. I don't know if she is going to move out or not, and I will not ask I will wait and see.
Now the reason I'm posting right now... She just left at 7pm to watch tv at her friends house ( taped Grey's Anatomy because she missed it). The thing is, I have the episodes here on DVR, her friend lives an hour away, and she decided to do her hair before leaving. I asked if her friend cared what her hair looked like. She said just in case she stopped somewhere.
I didn't ask, she didn't say anything else except "bye"
I told her to have her friends husband call me to ask him about something going on saturday. Of course the real reason is it means she was actually going where she said she was going. I hope it wasn't too transparent. I know the husband said he figured ( he knows what is going on ). Anyway, he did call and she is there. We'll see what time she leaves. I never used to be this way, it seems like EVERYTHING is a trigger. So far, everything I think is a sign there is an OM, has so far turned out to be that she was telling the truth. I still can't trust her after the EA, and I hate it.
We used to say I love you 10 times a day. She doesn't ever say it anymore. Ever. I just don't know if were in recovery, and I don't know if I can take the complete absence of any affection. We are cordial, we are like friends that live together.
I just miss the woman I married. My every instinct is to talk to her about the relationship, to ask her how she feels, to ask all the time if she is starting to love me again. The only thing stopping me from calling right now is that I can us MB to post to.
Are we in recovery, is she going to say she loves me again? The next MC session can't come too soon, but it is a week away. Any advice? Should I not say anything about how I feel about her moving out? Any advice, encouragment, hope will be greatly apprectiated.
Q

Me-32
WW?-30
Kids-11,6,4
Married 12 years
D-Day DEC10,2007
Recovery???

Hey Q,

I replied to your thread on the Recovery board:

If you haven't done so, get a copy of Surviving An Affair and study it. Also, get a copy of His Needs/Her Needs. Knowledge is power when trying to bust up the A and for rebuilding your M.

You should start some intensive snooping. Find out all that you can about this A and then develop a good exposure plan. There are many posters here that can assist you... so post away with your questions about Plan-A, Snooping, or any other questions that you might have.

I'm sorry that you've found the need to come here, but you will get some great support...

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF,
Thanks for the response, (as well as everyone else so far). I have been on MB for about 6 weeks ( lurking ). I have HNHN's, but will need to get SAA.
I just want her to admit it, or to know that there isn't an A. Not have her lie. She is moving out today, for two weeks. She said her divorced friends have told her that if she moves out, it can be considered abandonment, etc. She wanted me to promise if it came down to it, I wouldn't use it against her. I didn't promise, but skirted around the issue. I will see her today when she leaves and have been thinking about telling her that I will promise not to use it against her ( at least this two weeks ) if she will just admit it if there truly is an A. I want to tell her that if I find out later that there is an A and she lied, then all bets are off. But I know this goes against plan A...
I feel I have been doing plan A for the past 6 weeks, but to no avail. She just does not seem to have any feelings for me, and it is just so unbelievable because I thought we were the textbook examples of what a perfect married couple was. I know, I bet you never heard that before.
I can't imagine doing plan A for 6 months, or much longer for that matter. When she is gone today, my instinct will be to go to plan B for the two weeks (or however long it turns into). I don't want to screw this up, I hope there isn't an affair, though hope and reality are two different things.
If I stay plan A, do I call her? Do I text her? I think I will see her in that time because she will want to see the kids (I think). If/when I see her, I don't know how to act...
Her parents have no idea what's going on. I wanted to wait until I had proof of an A before I exposed her to them, should I expose her now? At least as far as the moving out? If there isn't actually an affair and my denial turns out to be correct, I don't want to tell her parents she is cheating when she isn't. Its crazy, because she has smoked since she was 15, and she is now 31 and they have no idea. She will not tell them.
I was seen by my doctor the other day, and she said she doesn't think I am at the point for anti-D's, though there are times every single day that I would differ. She wants to see me in two weeks.
Any advice on implementing Plan A / Plan B and how to cope will be greatly appreciated.
Q

***Hey Q - it's probably best if you stick with one thread... GQII gets more traffice so this is a good place *** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hey Q,

This sure sounds like she's trying to cover all bases with you "just in case" things don't work out with the OM...

I would try to find out as much as you can about this OM. If you can put a GPS tracker in her car, then do it. Do you have her cell phone records? Do you have access to her e-mail passwords? Dig deep and do some G-2 on this OM and then start crafting your exposure plan.

I would be honest with your W and let her know that your desire is for her to stay home with you and the kids and work on the M. Don't beg and plead, just state your feelings as honestly as you can.

If she still decides to "go find herself", then let her go and continue your G-2 on the OM and the A. Once you find your proof, then you will need an exposure plan. Her parents sound like they wouldn't be too happy to hear what their daughter is up to, so they may be your best allies in your exposure.

If this OM is married then absolutely expose the A to his W.... if he's not married, see if you can find HIS parents. The goal in exposing is to expose to as many people that can help bring the A to an end.

As for contact while your W is "finding herself", I wouldn't call 24/7 because that will make you seem "needy". I suspect that she will call you first to check on the kids. Have some fun activities planned with the kids and even be out of the house when she calls. Let her know how much she is missing by being away from you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF,
Thanks for the info. I will have to see about the tracker, seems like money is going to get tight. If she is emailing, it is at a friends house. I know that she's not doing it from home. She has a MySpace, and I have been going in and checking her messages, nothing suspicious so far. I only log in on days I see she has, so she doesn't necessarily suspect. The guy she had the EA with is divorcing, and it's crazy, but I don't have any contact info. The only thing I could do is have a friend go to some of the clubs she goes to, there are about 3. Wait for her to leave, but I haven't gotten to that point. I may, but then I have to get a babysitter and we'd have to be out till the clubs close. I don't know.
Her parents love me. They absolutely would be so upset. Even without proof of an affair. The thing is, she is an only child and grew up in their strict home. She was always itching to get out of there. Then we got married and had kids and moved around the country. She was always great. Now she is trying to live out her early 20's, and going crazy doing it. If I told them, they'd call her and she may just shut them out and then they'd be in this ridiculous amount of pain. I know she loves her dad like crazy, so maybe I still should. I know I will when I have proof. I guess I have to.
As far as cell phone records, that won't prove or disprove because she talks to her guy friends all the time, everyday. Girls as well.
As for calling her, yeah, she already thinks I'm needy. I always would call her all the time, but not to check on her just to hear her voice. Now, I have been a LOT better, I rarely call her at all. When she leaves, should I just wait for her to make the first call?
Definitely will try to plan some fun with the kids. They need it too. I have been so unfocused lately.
We'll see where I am when she rolls out of the drive way today. I really am hoping for a wave of relief, not despair. I just cannot believe what this is doing to me. I was always like a rock, no matter what the situation. I knew I had my wife and family to stand by me. Now, that's gone, and I hate feeling this way.
Q

Hey Q,

Mrs. RIF was 18 when we married and moved to our first duty assignment overseas... our oldest daughter was born shortly after we arrived. She stayed home for a year, then went to work... and that's where she met the OM.

I understand what you're going through.

The difference for you is that you have the MB forum and can ask questions of people that have been exactly where you are right now.

I know that you don't want to believe that your W is involved with another man.... but based on what you've shared with us, and your W's actions, I'd say that there's a 99% chance that she's taking these two weeks to go see if things "work out" with this OM.

The 'good news' is that 99.99% of WS will follow the WS handbook to a "T". Dr. Harley has spent years working with couples that have been hit by an A... The "program" works if you will follow it.

It's hard work, but you can do it! I would wait and let her call you first after she leaves today... plan something fun with the kids after school today. Take them out to Chuck-E-Cheese! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> or go bowling... find something fun that you and your kids would enjoy and then go and have a great time!

If your W calls while you're out, answer politely but don't try to discuss any "relationship" stuff... if she asks how you're doing, tell her that you and the kids are having a great evening out doing ____. If she continues to ask "how are you doing", tell her that now's not a good time to discuss this, that you love her and she can call you later at home...

The goal here is to show her that you aren't going to sit around and mope over her. When you get home and get the kids in bed, start doing some research on this OM. The more you can find out about him the better...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Qlovesher,

I'm glad to see you moved your thread over here.


Check anyway, you may be surprised and find a number that is on there an excessive amount of times. Do you have access to bill?

Is it possible the OM is someone she works with?

LC

I agree, his number is going to be quite obvious. I wouldn't believe that bit about him "going through a divorce" either. WSs lie to each other. His W might be quite surprised to learn she's going through a divorce!

Do what you have to do to find the truth. I had similar issues, in fact, that's about where my Pre-Dday post starts, is me coming here knowing the truth and being unable to prove it.

GPS isn't necessarily as expensive as you think. I used a sprint cell phone and a web tracker program, it worked well and altogether cost about $120 and then $25/month or so after that (no contract). I can get you more details if you're interested.