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Joined: Jan 2008
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Hi all,
I'm new here and this is my first post. I've been lurked this site for the last 4 months, and I just registered. I don't know how to post a new subject. Here is my short story, and I really need help. I would like to implement a plan B, but I don't how to start.
I'm BW 49, him WH 47. I discovered he has an affair in 9/10. We went to see MC all those time, and alo still lying to me & MC. He told me that he wanted to work on our marriage, and never want to give-up trying. But I just found out that he still contacts OW. During the Christmas time, he told me that he needed time & space to make up his mind. I agreed and said that you take your time and get back to me when you're ready. He moved out couple time (1 christmas & 1 last weeked) each time about 3-4days in the weekend, so he can be with her and come back to me on Monday after his work. The last time (last weekend), he moved back and try to work out our marriage. But this morning, he acted weird and I asked him point blank "do you miss her?" and he admitted that. I told him to move out the house and take more time to think about his decision. I think he's fence-sitting now, he said he miss me when he's with her, and miss her when he's with me. I asked him why you moved back last Monday, he said that he miss me so much and had to see me. And now he doesn't want to cake eater, he has to decide who he wants to be with! I love him so much and I told him that I always wait for him, I also asked him do not call me during this time until he's ready. I would like to implement plan B, but I don't know where to start the plan. I really appreciate any advice from you. Love is sucks.
Thanks,
Last edited by Quesera; 01/23/08 04:10 PM.
Me BS - 49
Him WS - 47
DD 9/10/07
M: 12 years, together 19 years
Mine: 3 grown children (Not leaving with us)
No Children in this marriage
1st H moved out: 12/30/07 to hotel and spent newyear with her
2nd H moved out: celebrate his BD with her 1/10-14
3rd H moved out: today 1/18
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Have you exposed the affair? Is the OW also married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 17
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The OW works the same place with him, but not same department. Her divorce was final last March, when she met my WH. They talked, and share their sob stories. I called the OW ex-husband last weekend and left the message that "your wife with my husband". I don't think he cares much about her, since he has custody of their children (15yo - 12yo). This affair is a schock for his and my families. Everyone thought we had a perfect marriage. His family is really support me. BTW, we married for 12year and he courted me for 7 years before we got marry. I'm asian & he caucasian. This OW is exactly my version - He told me the reason of the affair - He's craving for newess feelings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. I'm crushed now. I was end of the rope last week and attempted kill myself. My sister stay with me for the entire weekend, and last Monday he texted me that he will be home afterwork.
Me BS - 49
Him WS - 47
DD 9/10/07
M: 12 years, together 19 years
Mine: 3 grown children (Not leaving with us)
No Children in this marriage
1st H moved out: 12/30/07 to hotel and spent newyear with her
2nd H moved out: celebrate his BD with her 1/10-14
3rd H moved out: today 1/18
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Quesara, the reason you are suicidal is because this has gone on way too long. You are WAY PAST the point to go into Plan B and it has you on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Women who endure this kind of abuse too long, as you have, have nervous breakdowns and can suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder. Here are Dr Harleys comments about this: When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. In your case, you've noticed that you have experienced a detached feeling about it all, even your husband's filing for divorce. That's the way it's supposed to turn out. You are far more attractive while in emotional control of yourself than you would ever be begging and pleading for his return. You tried that tactic already, and it hasn't worked.
Plan B doesn't always work, but it does protect you from the intense emotional pain that you could be experiencing day in and day out. Your husband may divorce you, but it won't be because you have implemented plan B. And if he returns to you, it won't be because you have implemented plan B. But if he does return, with a sincere willingness to completely leave his lover and follow our plan for recovery, he'll find a wife who is still sane if you follow plan B. My suggestion to you would be to get your ducks in a row and go into Plan B. Since your H has moved out, I would change the locks, seperate your finances. If there are any large cash reserves, I would move the money so he cannot plunder it. Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
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It's not necessarily too late. My H left twice. It depends on your emotional state.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: Dec 2002
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Are you out of the country? Can you call the Harleys for coaching?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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If she is SUICIDAL, then it would be an understatement to say that her emotional state is NOT GOOD. Its time for PLAN B before she succeeds in killing herself.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2002
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My suggestion to you would be to get your ducks in a row and go into Plan B. Since your H has moved out, I would change the locks, seperate your finances. If there are any large cash reserves, I would move the money so he cannot plunder it. But I'm thinking that you should make sure to end your contact with him on a good note. On the other thread you said you have been raging and stuff.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Quesara, have you considered getting anti-depressants?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
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I missed the suicidal part. Sorry.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 17
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Yes, I just realized about the plan A & B over couple days ago. I've made appoint with Jenifer to talk to her this Sunday.
- We have lot of assets.
- Large cash in the bank
- Vacation home
I told him this morning that, contact me in a week or so, so we can move forward with the finances plan. I told him this morning, divorce is not an option for me. But he said that he doesn't want stay in marriage and have an affair at the same time. He said that he wants a divorce, and he assured me that we will be ok one way or another... I don't know why, but now I'm very calm (may be after couple anxiety attack drug). Why he texted me that he loves me right after he left home this morning. Guilt?
Do you think I can start my life over at age 50? However, i don't look at my age. I invested 20years of my life with this guy! I'm scared. I'm pretty much financially independent, and I have a good job.
I've read After and Affair, and Just not friends. But I burnt them last Monday when I got home to let him know that I've forgiven him and move on. I didn't mention or drag the word 'A' since last monday.
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I'm crushed now. I was end of the rope last week and attempted kill myself. My sister stay with me for the entire weekend, and last Monday he texted me that he will be home afterwork. Yes. You most definitely need to get some help for yourself ASAP. How did you attempt to kill yourself?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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quesara, let Jennifer guide your path, then, and assess your mental state. In the meantime, I would try and find the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley and read that before your session with Jennifer.
I doubt you will have to start your life over at age 50. His affair is doomed to failure. 95% of affairs fall apart and 80% of those that do make it to marriage end in divorce. So, his affair is doomed.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
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I also am glad that you are going to receive help from Jennifer. That's wonderful. Please let us know how your session goes and what you learn from her.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 17
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I was prescribe Lexipro by the dr, but didn't take it for a month, because I thought I get back to my normal life. Emotionally I feel that I'm pretty stable today. WH sob and cried the entire morning before he took off. I even helped him to pack.
Yes, I'm the US now. I was also ambivalence myself couple months ago, I went to Asia to visit my family for couple weeks, and came back to US and detemined that I will make my marriage works. He went crazy during that time, he said that he missed me. But last Xmas, he dissappeared for couple hours and came back with the cell phone. When I asked about his phone he said that he lost it. That when I know he still contacts OW. So, I exploded with the trust issue, he said that this affair has tainted our 'perfect' marriage. He doesn't believe we can restore our marriage again, that ther reason he contacted her. I think he's suffering now in making the decision. I will call lock smith to change the key locks now.
Me BS - 49
Him WS - 47
DD 9/10/07
M: 12 years, together 19 years
Mine: 3 grown children (Not leaving with us)
No Children in this marriage
1st H moved out: 12/30/07 to hotel and spent newyear with her
2nd H moved out: celebrate his BD with her 1/10-14
3rd H moved out: today 1/18
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 17
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Joined: Jan 2008
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Thanks Melody and Mimi! My sister will come to stay with me over this weekend again. I will have an appointment with Jennifer this Sunday. I don't know where can I get the surival affair between now until Sunday afternoon.
Last edited by Quesera; 02/04/08 03:14 PM.
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Quesara, the reason you are suicidal is because this has gone on way too long. You are WAY PAST the point to go into Plan B and it has you on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Women who endure this kind of abuse too long, as you have, have nervous breakdowns and can suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder. Here are Dr Harleys comments about this: When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. In your case, you've noticed that you have experienced a detached feeling about it all, even your husband's filing for divorce. That's the way it's supposed to turn out. You are far more attractive while in emotional control of yourself than you would ever be begging and pleading for his return. You tried that tactic already, and it hasn't worked.
Plan B doesn't always work, but it does protect you from the intense emotional pain that you could be experiencing day in and day out. Your husband may divorce you, but it won't be because you have implemented plan B. And if he returns to you, it won't be because you have implemented plan B. But if he does return, with a sincere willingness to completely leave his lover and follow our plan for recovery, he'll find a wife who is still sane if you follow plan B. My suggestion to you would be to get your ducks in a row and go into Plan B. Since your H has moved out, I would change the locks, seperate your finances. If there are any large cash reserves, I would move the money so he cannot plunder it. Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? I feel like this is exactly what happened to me. I never did Plan B and I should have. Now my WH doesn't feel like it will workout, yet he will not file for the divorce. I promised myself 2/1 to break all contact with him. I am changing the locks and dog care will ahve to be arranged through a third party. I came to this decision over the weekend, and I think it's the right thing to do for my own mental health. You need to do what is best for your health and well being. The more you separate yourself for you 'alien' the better you will feel. I wish I had listened to that advice months ago. Things would have bene different I think.
WW(me)-44
WH-49
Together 10 yrs
M 4 yrs
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Posts: 17
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Hi all,
Thanks for your suggestions.
I talked to Jennifer last Sunday and she helped me to compose a plan B letter. I shooted it out to him last Monday. I'm total lost now. I miss him so much! After 12 years share the same bed, now I feel so lonely. I don't understand the part stay in the dark in the plan B? I really tempted to pick up a phone to call him, and to beg him to go home with me.
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Posts: 213
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Don't call!!!!
Get busy. Find things to do! Clean out a drawer. Call your friends. Anything. It will help. Trust me. If it were not for my friends and their encouragment and their strength, I 'm not sure I could have made it to this point.
My mainstay is exercise. Exercise with a friend is better because that way they can keep your mind off things.
WW(me)-44
WH-49
Together 10 yrs
M 4 yrs
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Posts: 17
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I sent him an email yesterday at my weakness moment! I told him that I really miss him. He hasn't contact me since the day he moved out. He also avoids his family as well. His mom called me and asked me do I know where is he now? He's very quiet type person, always keeps for himself, and wants to keep his pride. He got so upset at me when I exposed his affair to his family & our friends. He said the reason he contated OW, because he thinks our M has tainted by his affair. He said that he sorry for messing up our perfect life! I has been lying to me all those times.
Should I contact him to ask him to go home to pick up the rest of his stuffs? He still got the huge closet full of his clothes. At this point, I think he thinks he really "in love" with her. However, in his first moved out he told me that no matter what (seperate/divorce) we will end up together again! And that he just needed time away in the hotel to make his decision, and that he's not with her and never will be with her. I think he just wanted to calm me down, so I wouldn't drive by her house to check on him.
When he came back home the 1st time, he decided to work on the M said that 2008 would be our best year ever. And he moved out the second time - he said that he changed his mind because he didn't our M would work (sick!!! he didn't give our M a chance - how can you recover with the 3rd person in the picture). He always in control, because he knows that I love him & would put up for his sh*t !!! It's sick... now I think about that.
I did more reading about plan B from other members here, it's really encourage me to take care of myself. I got out of the bed today and take a dog for a walk. Thanks for all of your supports.
Me BS - 49
Him WS - 47
DD 9/10/07
M: 12 years, together 19 years
Mine: 3 grown children (Not leaving with us)
No Children in this marriage
1st H moved out: 12/30/07 to hotel and spent newyear with her
2nd H moved out: celebrate his BD with her 1/10-14
3rd H moved out: today 1/18
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