This means NO CONTACT. NONE. NADA.

Quesara, you cannot contact him for ANY REASON or take his calls or read his emails. You have to stop this NOW. You are ruining Plan B by contacting him.

He has no reason to believe you mean it when you tell him not to contact you when you break your own word and contact him. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO CONTACT YOU.

I know you miss him terribly, but you WILL NOT miss him like this in 2 weeks. In 3 weeks you will feel better than you have in MONTHS.

Secondly, i am sorry no one responded to you yesterday. You were in crisis and needed HELP. When you need our HELP NOW, change the title of your thread to: NEED HELP NOW!! Go back to the first post on this thread, hit edit and make the change. Do what you have to do to GET OUR ATTENTION, ok?

edited: Zora, sorry, I see you did try and help yesterday!

He just sent me an email (1st contact since he moved out) and thanked me for the note (Plan B) I sent 3 days ago. He said that he needs couple weeks to be by himself, as he doesn't want to go through this ever again. He also thanked me for being "who am I". This transaled: I'm being to easy for me and let him get off the hook easily, and he's taking advantage of me. I have a feeling that we wants to spend couple more weeks with her to compare and make a choice. I don't want to be a second choice! I will keep stay in the dark. I will not reply to his email. It's so hurt now ...

Throw the email AWAY. Did you designate an intermediary?

It's has been 2 weeks since he moved out. I've asked my sister to be the intermediary. I feel much better about myself, I can sleep now, no more heart ache, anxiety attack. I finally found peace within. This morning, I asked my sister to send him an email to ask to take care the bills payment & also provide a suggestion for IC. The 2 weeks is coming up, and here is my questions:

- What should I do if he wants to move back to the house?
- Should I bring up the A and discuss now? or wait until the right time?
- What if he wants more time to think about working on the recovery? Should I give him the ultimatum? I can't wait for ever! I feel that he's control all the time, and I want to take that control now. At this moment, I feel that I can live with or without him! Thank you for your suggestions & kindness.

This is ok for your intermediary to instruct him to pay the bills.


This should not be asked in Plan B because it has nothing to do with finances or children. ONLY those 2 subjects should be discussed if there is a need to know.


Plan B lasts much longer than 2 weeks if that is what it takes. What it will take for him to come back is the meet the conditions of your plan B letter. He will have to a) end contact with the OW FOREVER and b)commit to a program of recovery. Until he does that, then you SHOULD NOT TALK TO HIM OR SEE HIM.

He will have to convince your intermediary of his sincerity and only then should you speak to him. DO NOT speak to him unless and until he ends his affair and commits to a program of recovery, ok?

You are doing great, Quesara, and I am happy to hear you feel better now!

Hi ML,

I haven't heard back from him, there is no contact of whatsoever! I couldn't endure this limbo stage. I called and schedule to go to see IC this afternoon. Some tim I want him to return to the house, but some time i just want him stay away from me. like now, I just want to initiate the divorce paper. Today is my bad day...

Here is the note I plan to send to him, please let me know should I send this? I'm desperate and don't know what to do

"
WS, I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so deep that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. When we decided to marry in xxx 1997, I expected to marry you my last love and remain committed for life. I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done. Love must be mutual, and can't be forced. The feelings must be authentically your heart. I remembered on our courtship and early years, you married me of your own free of choice. It was the decision you made without pressure from me. Now you want out of our marriage, I have no choice gut to let you go. You are free to go now, if you never contact me again, then I will accept your decision. The entire experience of your affair has been painfull, but I'm goin to be ok. We did have great memories together.
"

Quesera:

I don't know much about plan B since I have never done one, but the email you just compiled, didn't you convey the same thing in your plan B letter already?

Also we are a Chinese couple so when you say you are Asian, I just feel that I need to say hi. There are not so many Asians in this board I believe.

My husband had an A a year and a half ago and now he is home trying his best. But it still doesn't feel enough to me. I don't want to discourage you or anything, I just want to say that the most important thing is to take care of yourself. When you are strong and can find happiness from within, that's when you are truly recovered no matter if your husband is or is not doing the right thing. And you will survive no matter what, just have faith in that.

I know how hard it can be during those earlier days after Dday. And I lost 10 pounds in a week. But hang in there, and take care of yourself. Get out of the house a bit. Read. Journaling. Going to counselling. Those are all ways to take care of yourself. And take one day at a time, breath in and breath out.

This pain will pass, one way or the other.
I'm sending my hugs to you.
{{{quesera}}

Snow

Quesara, you shouldn't communicate with him in any form, you are in Plan B. Don't do anything unless he is willing to completely end his affair.

This morning, he emailed me and blammed that I contated her ex, and now the OW's Ex blackmailed her. WH was very upset about that. Now, he said that he wants divorce, and stated that if the situation changes then withdraw it or remarrid again.!!! What should I answer now. If he wants to file, so be it there is no remarried option for me. should I send him that to shake him up. I thinks that I love him and always take him back. I just don't want him to have the ideas that I will be his doormat! I need help and opinions.

Quesara, you are in PLAN B. That means you don't read his emails. Throw the email away, stop reading his emails and go get a nice pedicure. YOU ARE IN PLAN B!

Plan B=no contact!

Quesera,

DON'T ANSWER. YOU ARE IN PLAN B... STAY DARK..

Steve Harley told me that Plan B was no an attempt to punish my WH or threaten him in anyway. They are WW, their thinking is crazy, they are cruel and do ugly things.

Hold your own line... Don't contact him for any reason.

You can't control what he thinks, besides it is twisted anyways. What you can control is what you do. Don't contact him. You have set down conditions that he needs to meet to contact you and he hasn't met them.

I can't imagine how hard this must be as I am still waiting for Plan B to start, but I know that once you are in it. it can ONLY be effective if you keep to what you are saying.

Does that make sense.

If you need to, come here and post every 5 minutes to keep yourself sane and focused and away from him. Or pray....

My sister forwarded his email to me, because she thinks that critical. I replied to him just one sentence that: if you're considering to file a divorce, then go-ahead. I can't control you anyway. I'm shaking... I just can't bear with this miserables.

So, should I just seat here and wait for the paper to come & sign? Or should I contact a lawyer to get every thing in place? Plan B is so hard to follow...

I would have a lawyer to protect myself. I would also seek guidance on here in helping my intermediary determine what is an emergency and what isn't.

Don't sign a thing. Just be still and take it as it comes. He is trying to suck you in. Don't let him. Be tight on this board asking questions and seeking answers.

What is so hard about Plan B to follow?

Quesara, your sister should not have forwarded you that email. The only emails she should send are ones that are CRITICAL INFORMATION about the kids or finances. Or if he is willing to end his affair and commit to the marriage. Even then, she should not send his actual email to you, but should reword it in her words, such as "Joe wants to pick up the kids on Friday for a visit."

You should DO NOTHING except IGNORE your H until he is ready to meet the conditions in your letter.

I love him, and it's very difficult for me to see that the plan "D" is striking on me. He said that I cry very often to because he misses me and our pre A life. I'm so confused and hurt and feel insulted because he said I contacted her EX and that he lost respect for me... It's so hard for me to stay calm and stay dark... and I don't know the time frame, so I feel that I lost control of myself.

Hon, this is exactly why you should not be reading his emails. He is talking CRAP and you will probably never see divorce papers, but nonetheless you are upset for nothing.

Please tell your sister to STOP sending you his emails, ok?

I have couple questions:

He left our working truck parked in front of house for the last 20days, and it dissappeared this morning. My sister notified him, and he asked if I want the truck? I want the truck, so how I handle it now? Should I go-ahead pack all his junk and put in the front porch and tell him to collect them. I'm just mentally tired to deal with the emotions daily.