my wife left me 3 years ago after 7 tears of marriage due to me gambling. for the first year we tried to work things out. after that she started going out all the time with friends alot and about 6 months ago started dating someone. when we got married i was the only guy she was with sexually and now that she has been with someone else i find myself constantly thinking about that. we have 2 children that i miss not having around all the time. part of me still wants us to be together but whenever i think about her being with someone else it makes me mad and i dont think i'll ever get over it. should i just file for divorce and try to move on or just sit back and continue to be lonely and depressed and hope she comes to her senses? i feel like a loser cuz for 3 years i've had no life and never go out. thanks for listening

Are you legally separated? Three years is a long time to be apart. The longer you are separated the less chance you have of recovering the marriage.

Gambling can be an addiction. Have you sought out help this issue. Your marriage cannot recover until an addiction is dealt with first.

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
Did gambling affect your reputation?
Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?
Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?
Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?
Have you ever gambled to escape worry, trouble, boredom or loneliness?
Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?
Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?
Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/20questions.html

Comes to her senses? She gave you 7 years and you were a gambler (not much different from being an alcoholic ya know, a real marriage killer).

I think she has moved on and so should you.

i know she left cuz of my gambling. i have quit for 2 years now and in that time she has spiraled downward. she failed out of nursing school, got a tattoo, started smoking after not doing so for 7 years and the guy she's with is a complete waste. he has a ****** job, has no high school diploma, which means he'll always have a ****** job, does drugs and has absolutely nothing to offer her. knowing all this i would still be willing to try and work things out cuz marriage actually means something to me. to half the people in this world it means nothing. its too easy to get divorced and marriage is a joke these days, thats why everyone is divorced. i know my gambling is what caused our seperation but whoever said gambling is like drinking they are wrong. gambling doesnt cause me to beat my kids or wife like drinking does for most drunks. it does waste money like drinking but when i won she was my best friend and when i lost she hated me so it was kind of a double standard

You can't "save her from herself" anymore than she could save you from yourself.

You learned the hard way that gambling is a shaky way of life and she will have to learn the hard way that her current path will lead to misery.

Move on, you have helped yourself but you can't fix her and you can't wait forever.

Besides, moving on is more likely to bring her back to you than chasing her.

She left you 3 years ago because of gambling (according to you).

You stopped gambling 2 years ago.

Why did it take you a year to stop? It 'appears' that gambling was more important than your marriage. It 'appears' that you may have/had a gambling addiction.

What have you done to fix this problem?
Did you look into a 12 step program?
What assurances does she have that you won't gamble again if she would return to the marriage?
How have you changed?

Harley says that an addiction has to be dealt with first before marriage recovery is possible. Reason being that the addict will tend to their needs before the needs of the marriage.

Quitting for 2 years could be looked at as nothing more than avoidance if you haven't really faced it as a legitimate problem that requires specialized help.

If he quit for 2 years then I would say he is over the addiction as long as he stays away from casinos and state lotteries.

What more do you want him to do to prove it to her?

My ex got re-married and was seperated within a year. The problem, her new husband was an alcoholic. He went into rehab over and over and over again but it didn't change anything over the long term.

Point is, just because you take a "program" doesn't mean success. I would say 2 years of being clean spells success.

gambling wasnt more important then my marriage but as with every addiction it just cant stop overnight. i love my wife and kids and have done everything to hold up my end of the bargain. part of me tells me to just move on but cant seem to get over the hump. when i married her i planned on being with her forever and its hard to see myself with someone else.i think about her all the time and it kinda pisses me off cuz i have no life and she has moved on with hers. i just have this feeling that if i move on, that will be when she wants to come back and it will then just screw everything up again. and im trying not to put my kids through any of that. this is hard enough on them.

Now that she moved on, you can't get her off your mind. That works both ways and if she doesn't want you back, well, then you will know for sure it is over.

Gamblers Anonymous 12 Steps to Recovery.
http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/recovery.html

This may not be your cup-o-tea. There are other recovery programs.

Chances are you are a problem gambler. Even though you have not gambled for 2 years, it doesn't sound like you have thoroughly addressed it.

Seeking out a treatment program can help you learn the skills to avoid further temptations that could throw you right back into your old habits.

Can a person recover by himself/herself by reading Gamblers Anonymous literature or medical books on the problem of compulsive gambling?

Sometimes, but not usually. The Gamblers Anonymous program works best for the individual when it is recognized and accepted as a program involving other people. Working with other compulsive gamblers in a Gamblers Anonymous group the individual seems to find the necessary understanding and support. They are able to talk of their past experiences and present problems in an area where they are comfortable and accepted. Instead of feeling alone and misunderstood, they feel needed and accepted.
http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/qna.html

I think you should be less concerned about her and more concerned about yourself. You can't control her. You can control yourself. Focus on you.

She may take notice, she may not. You will be a better person regardless.

I'm a compulsive gambler in recovery (clean 5 1/2 years plus) and I will tell you it took a toll on my marriage. Sometimes I'm amazed that the XW stayed with me through it, and there's no question that damage done during my gambling years, even though they were a long time ago, contributed to the D. That was the time I should have been getting closer to her and meeting her ENs and instead it put in a wedge that we were never able to remove. Now, all that being said, I am still hopeful of a reconciliation with my XW, because I have learned from my mistakes. However, I never would have gotten here without the support of GA. I have to agree with ba109. You will likely find much better success in your personal recovery if you begin attending GA meetings than if you do this on your own. You will likely find people with common backgrounds, and common situations to yours who are able to talk openly and honestly about what they have done in the past and are doing now. I have often said that every time I go to a GA meeting I hear my story, just with different words.

I'm not saying you will or won't be able to reconcile with your WS if you go to GA. You can only do your part of the deal, and you may find out that you end up functioning fine on your own. You will, however, most likely have a much higher chance of living a life that is happy, joyous and free.

well now my wife actually wants to try and fix things and im not sure i can. i was the only man my wife was with sexually when we got married but now in the 3 years that we've been seperated shes been with 2 other guys, both of which cared nothing about her and just wanted sex. the thought of her being with someone else is killing me and even tho i love her more then life itself i dont think i'll ever get over her being with someone else. i dont know if i should try or just walk away and avoid more heartache. thanks for any advice.

Well Guru it basically comes down to this, is your pride/ego worth your family? Just fix it in your mind that you guys were separated and what she did doesnt matter. As indeed it shouldnt matter. Is she the only woman youve ever been with? I feel safe in betting youve slept with a woman before her, does it mean you love her any less just because youve experienced love/sex with someone else? Man she wants to try again dont look a gift horse in the mouth.....

If my XW came to me and said "You know, I had sex with a couple of other guys, and I was at a very confused time in my life, and I've finally realized what's important and want to be back with you", I'd forgive her in a heartbeat. It doesn't mean I'd have to forget about it, and we all make mistakes. Is a sexual mistake better or worse than any sort of mistake? Would rather have had her sleep with 2 other guys, or rob 2 banks? It was 3 years. Maybe she just needed to feel wanted for a while. I'll reiterate what cliff asked. Were you with anyone before your marriage? Did you think your wife worried about past girlfriends?

How many women have you had sex with?

Or does it not matter when we're talking about the man?

Guru please dont think im dumping on you , but 2 guys in 3 YEARS is not exactly someone who is running around sleeping with just anybody. People have needs and as long as she was safe about it , it ISNT a big deal. Did you go 3 years without sex? Or was there a certain someone who made the loneliness go away, if just for a little while?
Bottom line is she CAME BACK to you wanting to work it out so the other guys cant have been all that good.......
SHE wants to work it out with you and have a life again with you, you have a chance that alot of people here would take in a heartbeat and wouldnt think TWICE if, while separated, their spouse slept with someone else. Its your choice, get back what youve wanted for 3 years or be alone .

thank u all for the advice. i was with one other woman before we met and eventually got married but something just doesnt feel right because she wasnt with anyone else, i was her first. now shes been with 2 other men and it feels different because the way i see it is once we got married, i wasnt ever suppose to worry about her being with someone else. i know we were seperated but we are still married. it kinda feels like she cheated on me and im having a hard time accepting it and i think about it alot and get disgusted. i would love to stop thinking about it and just forget about it but dont know how

Well she did cheat on you. And it (being cheated on) is a hard thing to work through. You have my sympathy.

But it sounds like you've done some damage to the marriage also. Does it justify her affairs? No. But if you can view your own conduct as less than perfect, and truly believe that you have treated her wrongly, you may have a much easier time moving past this.

For me the biggest issue was whether or not my WW could be faithful and act trustworthy in the future. I didn't have such a tough time making love with her when I was in Plan A and trying to see if she would choose to remain in our marriage. (She didn't.) But everyone is different. Perhaps you are unable to forgive her.

If your W is willing to end the affairs and commit to you, and if you can be the husband you need to be, you've got a good chance at a great marriage. The MB rules (e.g., rule of protection, joint agreement, radical honesty) will enable you to regain and restore your love for one another. But you both have work to do.

- WG

Guru, congratulation on getting your wife to want to come back to your marriage. It is a testament to your perseverance in the last 3 years.

I’ve heard Dr Harley talk about this on his radio show and he is always amazed at how people can put this behind them. You could read Surviving an Affair and see if it is addressed and possibly the radio archive would cover the subject. Otherwise, and maybe foremost you could talk with Steve Harley on the counselling service. He is incredible. I think that if you allow her to deposit enough love units in your LoveBank and both of you do what it takes to have a great marriage; you will put all this behind you.

As for me, my WW is pregnant with the OM’s child and that is a totally worst level of betrayal etc.

She had to face your addiction for seven years.

I believe that she is sincere in wanting to come back. She has her confidence restored in you because you have been clean for two years.

She ended her relationship with these guys. This means that there is no addiction to either one of them. It should be easy for her to maintain NC. Is she in NC? Does she work with any of them, or neighbors?

Are the both of you willing to live your lives as open books so you can rebuild your trust for each other?

Will you both be honest with each other?

Is her tattoo going to be a trigger for you? Will she agree to go to a plastic surgeon to have it removed?

Will you both go for STD testing together?

She has gotten over your addiction. You can get over her two OM.

She has moved past what you have done because she misses and values everything that you can offer. Do you feel the same? Do you want your arms around each other at the end of the day?