gawdthissucks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

How are you doing oday, Back?

I am thinking of you and praying for you and him.

Be done with him, as much as it hurts, you cant trust him anymore. I am sorry for you. You deserve better...

We are 2 months into recovery and out of town for the long MLK weekend. H is sick in bed with lowgrade fever and mild flulike symptoms.

He is trying hard to make amends as I struggle with anger and hurt feelings for the 18 months lost during which everyone - including me- thought we had a great marriage with lots of love and companionship. He told me this AM that he loved being with me the whole time, but that he acted on implulse, immediately succumbed like an addict to drugs, and then did not have the strength to stop it once he got in so deep. He'd led her to believe he'd been miserable in his marriage staying with me only to try to do the right thing. He couldn't face her rejection, disappointment, and anger if she found out he'd been having us both. Since I didn't know and could be counted on to always give him the benefit of the doubt it was easy to continue the affair which had developed into a kind of routine. It amazes me that it didn't bother her to constantly see me happy with him every Wednesday night and Sunday! Despite his misleading her, all she had to do was open her eyes. We work together, walk all over town together, and travel lots together.

I have to get motivated to stop Love Busters and participate in Dr Harley's other policies for marriage rebuilding.

He is trying hard to make amends as I struggle with anger and hurt feelings for the 18 months lost during which everyone - including me- thought we had a great marriage with lots of love and companionship.

Making amends is not what concerns me. Future behavior is what concerns me. Future behavior can be predicted on his inability to protect his weaknesses.

He told me this AM that he loved being with me the whole time, but that he acted on implulse, immediately succumbed like an addict to drugs, and then did not have the strength to stop it once he got in so deep.

In other words, he admits he is weak and he lacks self control when there is a temptation.

He'd led her to believe he'd been miserable in his marriage staying with me only to try to do the right thing.

He gossiped about you and muddied your name to get what he wanted. He is weak and manipulative.

He couldn't face her rejection, disappointment, and anger if she found out he'd been having us both.

He is weak. He will throw out his integrity/values to gain approval/admiration from a good looking slug.

Since I didn't know and could be counted on to always give him the benefit of the doubt it was easy to continue the affair which had developed into a kind of routine.

He relied on your good nature in order to deceive you and smear your character behind your back.

It amazes me that it didn't bother her to constantly see me happy with him every Wednesday night and Sunday!

Who cares about what OW thought or did not think. She's a slug cheating in her own marriage... for the 2nd time.

Despite his misleading her, all she had to do was open her eyes.

Or, your husband just might be an extraordinary liar/manipulator. You think about this.

We work together, walk all over town together, and travel lots together.

Lots of love & companionship you provide him. Yet, he still managed to lie to your face and engage a smear campaign behind your back.



I have to get motivated to stop Love Busters and participate in Dr Harley's other policies for marriage rebuilding.

[b]Love busters? Really, do you think your love busters are going to make a huge difference at this point?

I'd just advise you make observations about his behavior right now. Without comment just watch with a very clear eye. Observe any changes your husband makes without your help/prompting.

'As is' he is completely untrustworthy. A weak man is easily led astray. Watch for signs of strength.

Don't be convinced by his sad story "I couldn't help myself." If he sticks with this story, he can never be trusted.

Just observe him over the following 6 months.

God Bless

[b]P.S.

remain non committal about the future for now

if he asks say:

"I am not ready for that step. I do not know when I will be ready."

Make him work for it.

As a FWW myself I thought Back that maybe there are a few things I could say that may help you.

First of all your H 'story' does not seem to me to stand up. In a 'recovered' M a spouse, especially the one who cheated, does not 'write' one letter to the OW/OM and 'suddenly' just jump back into bed together... so that leads me to one of two options .... first the M NEVER did truly recover from the first A and perhaps contact though perhaps intermitant has continued through the years ..... or two ..... your H is NOT telling you the whole story right now. .... & there might be a three .... both of above.

That is not unexpected as I know myself that I was spouting heaps of 'reasons ' why I had the A, of course nearly ALL were based on it being directly or indirectly my H fault ... garbage .... and of course ANY 'I am sorry' that early on was not worth fly droppings. Until 'I' got it, until I found out what I really had done to us and our family, until I had faced 'MY" issues how could I truly say sorry? Of course I couldn't, but didn't know it early on.
I do feel your H is in this stage and he needs to find out WHY he CHOSE to have an affair. I doubt he truly understands the why, though I am sure the 'reasons' he spouts right now were great excuses he gave to himself, its likely just a part of the truth. Be skeptical.
Be aware your H will also be more than happy to sweep this all under the carpet and for it all to just go away ...... did this happen the first time around as recovery progressed????? I feel myself that is a very bad move and like a boil if its not lanced and cleaned it will reinfect.
You should not accept any reason as an excuse, because there are none. There may be mitigating issues such as mental illness which may help the betrayed spouse forgive, but that is STILL not an excuse, there are no excuses ... zip.... nil ... none.... and it doesn't hurt any less.

One very very important thing, NEVER NEVER let anyone, not even a MC or a IC sell you the story you had ANY part in your H decision to cheat .... that choice was his ... I know this from my own experience ...... totally your H choice.

You say that due to the professional practise your H and self are in that moving would be almost impossible .... just playing the Devils Advocate ..... what would happen if you chose to divorce? Just a thought to ponder amongst all the other unfair options you have had dumped into your lap.

As this has happened before I would recommend that you get the Harleys involved and perhaps see if there is an affiliated MC you can attend to ensure THIS recovery has a chance to work, if you decide to do that of course. I do think your H should get some IC regardless.

You have a hard road to go here but I do feel your M can recover if you take all measures including professional help in MC abd H IC, but it will not be easy, but I guess you are aware of that.

All the best and I am sorry you had to go through this [censored] all over again.
AW

I agree

his story didn't pass the 'sniff test' for me either

smells bad

H is not posting... YET... but I have encouraged him to. I think it would help him. He is reading Dr. Harley's articles.

He seems surprised by the posts in this thread b/c most people who know us have been very supporting - of course most of them don't know it's a recurrence and most don't know the details I've posted here. However 2 of our 3 children will not see or speak to him... they do know most of the details except for the details of the sex.

I think you all have nailed a major concern... how he could've just flipped that switch and started this horrible thing up again after years of a really good recovery and really good marriage... and then how could he just flip that switch against her and write her off!

He is struggling with how he restarted this and says it scares him that it could mean something is really screwed up in his head.

I know the focus of this site is to save marriages, but at some point you've got to draw a line.

I think that once you've gone through infidelity as a BS, another occurance should be an automatic deal-breaker...especially if it's the SAME OP years down the road...there's really no chance of recovery at that point in my opinion, nor does your spouse deserve the chance.

If I were the all-powerful King of this country, you'd be allowed to remove his genitals with a hedge trimmer.

Good luck.

Something [color:"red"] IS [/color] really screwed up in his head, his heart and his soul. Listen to Pep's advice on keeping a keen eye on him, not relying on what is said, but what he does. He sounds like he's spouting out a bunch of stuff, but has he DONE anything to address his weakness? Has he gotten help from the church or psychiatric help? Has he called the Harleys to set up an appointment? My opinion is that it's now up to him to save this marriage, and ALL that is involved in that quest.

H is not posting... YET... but I have encouraged him to. I think it would help him. He is reading Dr. Harley's articles.

He may not be tough enough yet to hear the unvarnished truth. I suggest he read along for awhile longer. Begin to post after a month or so. Is he taking anti depressants?

He seems surprised by the posts in this thread b/c most people who know us have been very supporting - of course most of them don't know it's a recurrence and most don't know the details I've posted here.

Well, people in the community only knowing half the story is probably comforting to your H. He cannot be held accountable for what is hidden from view.

However 2 of our 3 children will not see or speak to him... they do know most of the details except for the details of the sex.

How long have the kids been doing this? They sound very hurt and angry.

I think you all have nailed a major concern... how he could've just flipped that switch and started this horrible thing up again after years of a really good recovery and really good marriage... and then how could he just flip that switch against her and write her off!

My sense here is that you are concerned enough about this to search for answers, but that your H would rather stick to the "I couldn't help myself" script.

Thing is, this is not your dilemma/problem to solve. It's his.

He is struggling with how he restarted this and says it scares him that it could mean something is really screwed up in his head.

[b]I doubt that. According to you, he was functioning in the world just fine .... until exposure of his secret live.

He went to work, he functioned there. He spent time with you & family, he functioned there.

He does not have any mental illness.

I suggest you disallow any "disease" excuse. Because that means things were not really his choice. He is somehow a victim.

He's not a victim. OW did not victimize your H either. Disallow that route as well.

Personal responsibility - 100%.

Try not to go the route of individual counseling ... The counselor will probably affix some disease label on your H which removes personal choice and responsibility.

I strongly urge you to call the Harleys and set up an appointment.
And plan to go to one of the marriage seminars together.


I am going to come back in a minute to post a link for you and H to watch a video of Steve Harley.

HERE IS THE LINK

It runs a half hour.

It is excellent.

Watch it more than one time.

Thanks, Pepperband, I'm going to watch the video now...
Oh, and the children are really hurt and angry about this! The oldest was married just as this affair was getting off the ground - before the sex started. The youngest graduated from HS about that time and just gone back for 2d year of college when H suddenly moved out for a month before discovery of his letter to OW. Last time, middle child was finishing 1st year of college and oldest was graduating at time of discovery. Yes, they are hurt and more than angry - espec b/c the timing taints so many milestones in their lives!

To Aussie's Wife about moving: If we did divorce, I think I'd probably stay here for a time, and he'd probably stay too, but I could not continue in practice with him! I've made it clear that there is NO WAY I'd let them stay here if they ever got together - I would see to it that they would never have any peace! That would be the ultimate cruelty - wish I'd made that clearer last time, but I really think H never dealt with leaving me.

His brain never got beyond wanting to be with her again. I don't think he came down to earth enough to figure out how whether he really wanted to end the marriage. Actually, I think if he'd had an easy button that would've ended the marriage with not consequences, he'd have pushed it, but he never dealt with the reality of ending it and taking up with her permanently.

After you watch the video - let's discuss your thoughts/concerns/questions.

It is too bad that you didn't have NC for life in place after the last affair. That was a huge mistake on your part. You certainly should not have stayed in the same church including the same choir with her.

That was a temptation waiting to happen...waiting for the memory of the pain his last affair with her caused...he was able to convince himself that he could comfortably have both of you since he was seeing her a couple of times a week anyway. His addictions and downfall...delusions.

I think you can recover from this as long as NC for life is adhered to. You don't have to end your marriage....but you should expect him to put in lots of effort into recovery and helping you feel safe.

We just watched Dr. Harley's video! Powerful! Thanks, Pepperband... we must now head home from our weekend away!

And yes, Trix, you're right about NC.... wish I'd gone after her job last time. I needed to know H chose me and not with me just b/c he couldn't have her - she has the last laugh on that one I guess.... I'll never know if I'm 2d choice but the evidence is pretty strong.

PS

Your name

OWBackAfter8Yrs

is horrible

I don't have anything I can call you

Maybe consider changing your name to something positive and alluring about YOU and no mention of the SLUG

added to say ~~~> how about After8Yrs

we could then call you A8 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. It's bad enough the first time, I can't imagine the second time around!

For starters, I second Pep's suggestion about changing your name!

...and it's a good thing that you found the MB board for support and advice and information. As you can see, many of us here are travelling a road marked by 'infidelity' one way or another, and so at least, in some ways, it will help you to NOT feel...alone.

You survived the first one, trust yourself that you will find the strength to survive, again. But, now given the info. available here, if you still WANT to save your M, you will know what needs to happen to have a better shot at M recovery, as you will at least KNOW the precautions needed to AVOID a third time around!

In my case, WS works with OW, and after he refused to take the necessary steps to meet the 'minimum' condition for M recovery, 'no contact' with OW, I chose to go to plan B: N/C with WS....in order to minimize damage, remove myself from the chaos created by the A, and start healing...and am on the road to personal recovery rather than M recovery.

Know that you will be faced with difficult decisions, but none that you have to take...right now.

LMAO Krazy! If there was a punishment like this, there would probably be less adultries. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />