Hi It has been awhile since I have been on marraige builders, but I am still having trouble trusting my husband. I think he may have a secret bank account. He had his affair Christmas of 2005. Since then, we have worked to get back on the right track and I think things are better ,but some of the original problems haven't been solved.

I think he may have a secret bank account set up at a local bank. He always cashes his paycheck before he comes home. I have had conversation that we are on a budget and I need the money before he spends it ( We recently almost lost our house to foreclosure and I have recovered us and put us on a strict budget with no room for spending). He swears that the only money that is missing is stuff that we used out in town. In response, I said that we should have me or him directly deposit the check and then we can account for the money through our account...recipts etc. This was the plan, but again yesterday he brought home cash and $100 was missing as usual. He gave me receipts for all but $72, he had $20 stashed in his wallet for gas and had spent $15 on gas without a recipe. I have gone with him once to cash the check at the local bank, but he parked and wouldn't let us go in with him. When I have in the past ( just happened to drive by twice when he was cashing) I have seen him cash his check, he usually goes through the drive -up window.

That made that feeling in my stomach turn thinking something was up.

I could be paranoid, but i was right when I had that stomach feeling when he was cheating, hiding money, and hiding things on the computer.


I have no trust so obvisously, we should seek marriage building......but until that.......

IS THERE A WAY TO FIND OUT IF HE HAS A SEPERATE BANK ACCOUNT? OR AM I STUCK. WOULD IT BE ON OUR CREDIT REPORT???

Do you have spyware on your computer? Does he know you have it on there? If you don't get get some and put it on you're comuter. MicheleG has a link out there called spying 101 look at it and see what software she reccomends. If he does have a separate bank account sooner or later he's going to do somthing on the computer. Check the balance, transfer money, buy somthing with a check cashing card etc...

That's what I would do... hope it helps...

I have looked at the cookies and went through all of the websites visited, but there is nothing. No big deal he neverhas to use the home computer. He is fire fighter and a ambulance driver at another station and is gone for long periods of time. He can call whoever he wants and send and check whatever at work. Working 24 hour shifts and then 8 hours the next day gives him this advantage point. I have in the past put spywear on, but feel this is lying. and also is ruined my computer.

cfc, the solution is POJA. You should negotiate direct deposit with him and negotiate how much spending money he gets and how much you get for bills. But first, he needs to be open and honest with you about what is going on.

Hopefully, he would agree to direct deposit in order to assuage your fears. But on the other hand, agreement must also be made about how much spending money he has.

No, its not lying. It is the smart thing to do if you feel he is doing things behind your back and not being honest about it. You have an obligation to find out and protect yourself. You almost lost your home because of his financial shenanigans before, you have to make sure that doesn't happen again. You have kids for whom you are responsible! So put the keylogger on there, cfc, and find out what he is doing!

Regular checking accounts do not show up on credit reports.

If he is only holding back $100 a week, do you not think he would just keep it as cash and is stashing it somewhere other than his wallet, rather than putting it into a checking account?

But there are some things you can try that might help you find out.

Is the bank where he is cashing the check a branch of your joint checking account bank?

If so and depending on your bank's policies, you can call the bank where you do your home checking, request a printout of all the interest earned and fees paid in 2007 from all of the accounts associated with your social security number and his social security number. Ask them to mail or fax it to you for income tax purposes.

Do you get all the mail or does he get it sometimes? If he intercepts it some days, then maybe you can find a way that you make sure that you are the one grabbing the mail every day at least for a complete month. That way you can catch any statements or info brochures that are sent to the account.

Have you looked for a new ATM card - most checking accounts come with a debit card now, so perhaps he has one in his wallet that you have overlooked?

Next time he wants you to stay in the car when he goes in to cash his check, as soon as he gets inside you can see what he is doing, if he sees you just tell him you needed a drink of water, or looking for a restroom, or you needed to pick up some of the generic deposit slips the bank offers.

Just a few possible options for you to consider.

Okay firts his fire dept. accountant who is also the accountant for my business doesn't do direct deposit so that is not an option, but to deposit the check as soon as he gets it is definately an option. We have been having this problem for months. Finally, last month after having to seek help through HUD and a financial counselor and months of me moving money around like a person on wallstreet, I mananged to get us up to date and on a budget which includes NO absolutely NO extra spending. The extra money that we will make at tax time will help remove some debt and get us back onto a budget with sme money for entertainment for the family. My H has also been working really hard at 2 jobs and ebaying when he gets home to pay for some of the things that we need like new tires on his car (which look like racing slicks they are so bald) and other repairs for a dying car. Anyways the way I see it is that we are at a time where money is tight and we can still survive because we have each other , our children and lots of things around the house to keep us busy.

If you know of a spy key logger that is free and doesn't show any indication that there is spywear I will install it, but it still doesn't feel right to me. What about POJA? and honesty?

I'm with Graplin on this one....

Another bank account is too risky for a FWH.

More likely he's socking a little away in cash and hiding it somewhere.

It's HIS play money.

Look for CASH.

The same entitlement that he used to allow himself to stray he is tapping into to put aside of little of HIS money for HIMSELF.

This isn't necessarily ALL his fault. YOUR budget may not have REALLY been POJA'ed successfully. If it was...his taker wouldn't be acting up and stashing money.

That is...IF he is really stashing money (though I think your instincts are probably right).

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - He COULD be saving up for a present for you. Just a thought.

If you feel that he is hiding something from you, then you have an obligation to snoop and find out what it is. You wouldn't want to be honest about that because it would hinder your ability to find out the truth.

POJA is for RECOVERY and if he is withholding the truth from you and harming you behind your back, you are not in recovery and being honest would work AGAINST YOU. You can be open and honest with something who has your best interest at heart; but being honest about your plans of protection with someone who is actually HARMING YOU is counterproductive.

Dr. Harley is a strong advocate of snooping becasue you should know everything your H does. Danger starts when a spouse carries on a secret second life.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

No doubt that the plan was not POJA, but is our only option to not loose our house, car, electric and ability to take care of ou children. Knowing that it is use this money for what it is needed for or stash it I hope he would choose the right thing. POJA doesn't work with him. He will agree and not be happy with the decision. He bottles his feelings and is passive aggressive. So he won't let me know he is upset when I ask for his suggestion, but will take money to subside his anger with the situation.

He has in the past taken money for the purpose of buying me a present, but right now we can't afford that either. I specifically told him if he wants to purchase me something then he should just cut the picture of it out or draw a picture and send it to me. I will be just as happy as the real thing. In the past he took money to buy me a piece of jewelry, but I can't imagine him doing that now. He seems to not care at all!!!


"The same entitlement that he used to allow himself to stray he is tapping into to put aside of little of HIS money for HIMSELF" - Your right and i could never find out because he has lockers at work that he can hide whateer he wants. He comments all the time about "his money buying everthing and my work not bringing in income." Very true, but my work allows our children to go to the best school and buy all my gas and groceries.

I feel lke giving up I think it will never be like the marriage builders ads with the couples hugging and finally understanding the other.

I guess i can try to snoop. I like the quote you sent ML. Thanks

Five ideas:

(1) Look for the paper trail. Statements, deposit receipts, interest statements at tax time, etc... It takes a lot of discipline to cover up all paper traces. You can check mail, his wallet, trash cans, glove box of his car, ... Do you think he has a separate address, like a PO Box? Also, at tax refund time (or for any other reason) are there electronic transfers to an account you don't know about. 1040s have a specific line for information about electronic deposits.

(2) Ask H directly. Explain how you've been concerned about this and ask for honesty and openness.

(3) If H works for a company which offers the service, ask H to sign up for direct deposit of paychecks. This may not answer the question, but might help minimize payday cash withdrawals.

(4) Get help from a cooperative friend/relative. Have a friend "buy" something from you (say something old of the kids) and give you a personal check. (Or wait until the next such situation arises naturally) You give the check to H and ask him to cash it or deposit it. Friend then examines (or sends you) the cancelled check which might have useful information on it.

(5) Borrow "The Complete Tightwad Gazette" from the library. In reading it, your family's finances may improve. Also, its an opportunity to explore respective patterns in spending/saving with your H.

- WG

CFC,

Another possibility:

If your H is secretly putting money into another account, it could be SOMEONE ELSE'S ACCOUNT...like an OW's.

That would leave no paper trail leading back to your husband.

It could be innocent, but don't assume everything's ok just because you don't find any physical evidence...all he'd need is a bank-provided deposit slip.