I will try and make this brief. Here is a little background: I am 29 husband is 30 we have been together since I was 15 years old. We have been married for close to 7 years. We have two small children. We recently located to Texas from Michigan to improve our marriage and to move to a better state with more opportunities for us and for our children.

My husband is upset because I don't show or give him any affection. I show no interst in him whatsoever! Maybe this is why- he cheated on me a few years ago, he is not supportive of anything that I say or do, he is rude, disrespectful, has called me a bad wife and mother,he does not help with the children, and does not take responsbility for anything!!! The only credit I give him is moving far away from his family and friends, to "make me happy." His single friends were part of the problem. They cheat on their girlfriends, bar and club hop.

He wonders why I wake up angry and why I don't want to be bothered by him. His only complaint is that I don't give it up anymore. I have been diagnosed with a low grade depression, the type that simply has my angry, frustrated, and irriated on a daily basis. Not to mention that i bring home the bacon and cook it. It has been like that the majority of our marriage. I blame myself a lot becuase I allowed him to sit on his lazy [censored] while I take care of the home. He says things without thinking about how it will hurt my feelings.

I have grown up and he has not. I am almost ready to call it quits. But then again I would like to be more affectionate with him. But when I am working my [censored] off all day and then have to come home to a husband sittin gon his butt playing video games I'm angry. I have to cook, clean, do homework, bathe the kids, and get them ready for bed without any help from him. He says that he does not help beacuse I have told him before that he does nothing. Yeah maybe I could have said it in a better way.

I have absolutely no inclination to be near him, let alone give him some. Am I wrong to beleive that he is the sole reason why I am always angry?? Am I wrong to blame all of my unhappiness on him?? PLease help me, I think I want to save my marriage. I am really not sure if I want to be with a person that is generally a jerk most of the time. I'm not even sure if there is anything to save!!!

Oh yeah, therapy been there and did that. He did not like the last therapist telling him that he was no longer in college and that he need to grow up. HELP HELP HELP

MrsH,

Thank you for posting here!

A couple of questions...what did you guys do to recover from his infidelity?

What books have you been reading to help your marriage?

Something I learned was that the words "all" "nothing" "never" "ever" are signals, when we use them or when others do, that we're not in our adult mindset...they were meaningful words when we were four or five (thereabouts), discovering the concept of time, and perception from facts.

Not a bash or a judgment...just a tool to know that reality sits in the middle of two extremes...at the 90-degree mark. Which is why in our adult experience, all, never, or ever (always), rarely are true.

Have you read the links to the right of your screen...about the Basic Concepts, Coping with Infidelity, Love Busters, Emotional Needs? (LBs and ENs)

There are three parts to your marriage--your half, his half and the union that is The Marriage. Up to us to know what we choose to do...we can choose to honor The Marriage, even if we don't feel like honoring our partner.

Another thing I learned is to not do that which I would resent...my resentment, which I created and grew, was an attack on my marriage. For 15 years, I didn't know that.

Now I do.

Which is why you can actually have a great marriage...because we are new every day...because we can make different choices.

Thank you for being here.

LA

Excellent. So simple but so true.

Well I am not to sure what we did. I went to therapy to deal with it, he came a few times, but at the same time he thought it was a bash on him. Then we went again a little before we moved out of state. Well I went for myself becuase of my anger issues, and everything that seemed to cause my extreme anger circled around him. Again he felt as though he was being bashed on by the therapist. When I left him after the infidelity he did do a 360. He stayed home he did not go anywhere (bar, club, chicks homes) for like a year with any of his friends. Then he got back into his old ways. What I did realize in therapy was that maybe my daily anger that I felt was because I held resentment toward him for cheating or because the majority of our marriage he did not hold a job.

I don't know, all I know is that I want to fix it, us, me and the entire situation.

The short of it, is that he feels that all my feelings about how he deals with me now should disappear since he came down hear to make me happy.

I have read the articles on the side. I just printed out the emotional needs questionaire for both of us.

Isn't that fact that I am here a good sign, I do want things to change. He is my highschool sweetheart and I do have faith in him and me...I guess I just want to feel supported, loved, and that my feelings, needs, wants, and desires are understood and supported by him.

I feel like I can't be the best wife or affectionate wife until I can feel emotionally connected to him. And what I mean by emotionally connected is what I have above.:'(

Oh yeah, I have read "The Proper Feeding and Care of Husbands" Please tell me what else I can read, I am willing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It's understandable that you're angry. You're stuck in a vicious cycle. I will if he will. I won't if he won't. You're not going to get a quick fix solution today. It took you a long time to get to the place you are and it will take some time to get back on track. Start TODAY. Forget yesterday. What can YOU do TODAY to make your marriage better? You may end up having to do most of the work in the beginning, but one of you has to start.

Can you call the Harley's for a telephone appointment? They can help you get a plan to get your marriage on track. Doesn't even require that your husband participate right now. Just a call to figure out what you want and which path you want to take..

(Edited to remove suggestions to read the articles as you've already done that.)

quote]
Start TODAY. Forget yesterday. What can YOU do TODAY to make your marriage better? You may end up having to do most of the work in the beginning, but one of you has to start.

That statement put me in tears. When I came down south, that is what I wanted to do, put all of that mess past me and "forget yesterday." It seems like if it is not one thing it is another.

MrsH...please do give yourself kudos for being here, for going to MC and for your choice to heal.

Well-deserved and necessary. Have you read "The Dance of Anger"? I'm blanking on the author right now.

You didn't make him cheat...you own no part of his choice to have an A.

"Isn't that fact that I am here a good sign, I do want things to change. He is my highschool sweetheart and I do have faith in him and me...I guess I just want to feel supported, loved, and that my feelings, needs, wants, and desires are understood and supported by him.

I feel like I can't be the best wife or affectionate wife until I can feel emotionally connected to him. And what I mean by emotionally connected is what I have above.:'("

You have encapsulated a plan here...and you may not see it as one. It is. You acknowledged that you don't want to do before you feel...you want to feel emotionally connected and then do...let me know if I got that wrong.

Can feel like a Catch-22 in that way...waiting on feelings before we act. There's a reason for that perception--why it feels stuck and crazy--because it's backwards.

And I know this 'cuz I lived it. So did your FWH...his A was about acting from his feelings...not directly from his beliefs. He KNEW he loved you...has loved you all along...yet he acted as if he did not...because he was reacting to his feelings.

So your plan is to act from love...and your feelings will follow.

"I guess I just want to feel supported, loved, and that my feelings, needs, wants, and desires are understood and supported by him."

There's your plan...to act to support, act out love, acknowledge his feelings, needs, wants and desires...to understand them. And to do so for yourself. That's meeting his ENs...and being aware of your own.

You realized Financial Security (FS) is big EN for you...yet you've acted as if it wasn't...been there, too...call you can control are your own actions...you only have responsibility for yourself...not anyone else. No power over their choices...not even your partner's choices.

And your power is real...when you change your dance, the whole dance changes. You now know resentment is a block...a really old protective device that has false payoffs and childlike logic. It's not real in your adult experience...

I believe you would not accept from FWH if he said, "I will get a good paying job when I feel emotionally connected to you." That he will act after he feels.

Would feel like a big ol' LB, wouldn't it?

So mind yours...where you can reach out and touch your FWH, even when you don't feel like it...and see if when you do, you don't experience a connection...even presence to presence, skin to skin...human to human...equal, whole and complete.

You choose to act from your love and you will experience feeling love...your loving feelings grow again. Not your resentment. Like two wolves, which one do you really want to feed?

One thing I mixed up for most of my life was acceptance with approval. They are not the same. Acceptance is knowing another person's stuff...they're thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and point of view (POV) as their own...not us making them think or feel or believe...them doing it. It's theirs. Ours is really ours.

Doesn't mean you agree, approve, feel the same, think the same...means respecting what is their choices, clearly.

And doing the same for yourself. Clarity helps to heal marriages...being clear on your half and his half...when you see his choices clearly, you'll see your own. You'll be able to share honestly, "I was going to hug you just now, and I didn't. I held back from fear you'd take it as approval. I DJ'd you in my head. I'm sorry. That's not who I am."

When you own your half fully...not believing you take on more or less...then you will connect with your partner. Sounds one-sided? Intimacy is discovering, owning and knowing your own stuff and sharing it with your partner. It IS one-sided, really. Only in your control.

Takes practice...I'm still practicing, MrsH...because I didn't know my power, my limits...I thought I made him happy, sad, hurt...and he made me. Which made him responsible for what is only my own, and me responsible for what is his...enmeshment.

Other great reading: His Needs, Her Needs; Fall in Love, Stay in Love; Love Busters; all by Dr. Harley.

And yes, call the Harleys. Worth every dime. For clarity, a plan...and support of your plan to save your marriage.

As for the past...like PM said was yesterday...remember that where you dwell, that becomes what you treasure. When we dwell on our past hurts, we hurt anew, right now, as if it is being done to us today. Making it our treasure is to our detriment. Doesn't sweep anything under the carpet...means we consider, not dwell, on what happened, find out why it happened, and know why we won't do it again.

LA

Yes! What LA said so eloquently... Thanks LA.

LA, the author is Harriet Lerner. I've read the book too and found it very helpful. She's written several other books in the same vein. Her main point if I recall, is that our relationships are like dances - some of them really bad ones where people get hurt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> She focuses on the idea that if just ONE person starts taking different "steps" the *dance* will have to change. Because you have introduced a new dynamic.

Here is a short quote from her first chapter:

"Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self - our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions - is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain tells us to take our hand off the hot stove, the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say "no" to the ways in which we are defined by others and "yes" to the dictates of our inner self.

Anger itself is not wrong - it is what we do with it and how we deal with it that matters.

I highly recommend it.

Not to h/j, but I just wanted to say to Loving that that post is the first one to 2x4 me in days....thanks, I needed that...

not2fun

Resentment in marriage is like a vicious circle. He does things that you resent, then you do things that he resents, and so on.

One of you has to break that circle. Since you're the one who wants it to be broken, you can take the first steps.

There is a saying around here: "Fake it 'til you make it."
It refers to acting the way you want to feel and letting the feelings come afterward. Treat your husband lovingly and you might be surprised that you start feeling loving toward him.

We cannot change our spouses, but we can change our reactions to what our spouses do. By consistently doing so, you may be surprised that your husband starts changing HIS actions/reactions to you. He will basically have to do so, because you are no longer giving him the negative actions to which he reacts negatively.

Start in small ways, and work up. Be consistent. Take pride in the fact that you are improving yourself, and that you are building new relationship skills that will benefit you in the future, even if you don't recover your marriage.

The MB program works.

[quote]

There is a saying around here: "Fake it 'til you make it."
It refers to acting the way you want to feel and letting the feelings come afterward. Treat your husband lovingly and you might be surprised that you start feeling loving toward him.

We cannot change our spouses, but we can change our reactions to what our spouses do. By consistently doing so, you may be surprised that your husband starts changing HIS actions/reactions to you. He will basically have to do so, because you are no longer giving him the negative actions to which he reacts negatively.











Thanks, I was wondering if that was the way to go. I have asked myself that all of the time. Should I fake it to make him happy??? I was really against it. But maybe if I do fake it, I will actually feel it.

I will have to try and get a hold of that book people are talking about. The quote from that book earlier is right on point!!! If that is in the first chapter, I may have to get right on it!!!

Thanks, let the advice keep rolling on in, I need as much as I can get. With each post, I am feeling a tad bit better!!