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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 5
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 5 |
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But I agree with what the others have said, he is cheating. He is not going to admit it to you. What you need to do and what you can do are probably two different things. But you need to let him go, period. He is not capable of giving you the love and respect you deserve. Nothing can prepare you for the pain and emptiness you feel when you all of a sudden realize that it is over. But living each day and losing your self worth with a man who is being dishonest is worse in the end. I am still waiting for the morning I wake up and feel ok. It just takes time I guess.
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,037
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,037 |
citigirl, first off DO NOT listen to kj87235.
She is jaded in the frustration of an unwanted divorce.
Your marriage IS recoverable as your spouse is attempting to make amends.
Now is the time for plan A and his total transparency.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 5
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 5 |
I'm sorry perhaps my post was insensitive. But I must have misread her posts somewhere because I thought he wanted a divorce. Ofcourse I believe 100% if you can save a marriage that is the best choice.
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 725
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 725 |
citigirl,
Whatever you do, don't give him any reason to think you are the least little bit okay with him testing the waters. You have to make it absolutely clear that any contact with her other than that required by work is completely unacceptable. If he gives you bs about not being sure of his feelings for you, tell him he'll never know if he doesn't start focusing on you without any outside distractions. As someone you used to cheat, I can tell you that someday he might wonder why you didn't try to stop him. You don't want that.
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 237
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 237 |
Give him no options, it's you or not you, not you and anyone else.
But, don't make it an ultimatum. Make it his choice with serious consequences for his actions.
It is rare for a truly happy woman to try and take a child away from it's father.
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 12
Junior Member
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 12 |
Ok, we have had a few great days. Think he is really trying to make up for what he has done, but definately has alot more to make up for. We had a serious talk and he says he is not going anywhere and that he is sorry for what he has done. He said he loves me and it is over. He says it will never happen again.
Now, although I want so much to believe him, I do , but am not going to be nieve and not keep my eyes and ears open. I love him and know that we can make it through this as long as both us want and give 100% to our marriage.
I will keep you all updated and again want to thank you all for your comments and helpful messages.
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 237
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Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 237 |
Good idea to keep those eyes and ears open. And have a zero tolerance policy on this, if he "slips" again and you let him off the hook, you are setting the standard for acceptability.
Good luck!
It is rare for a truly happy woman to try and take a child away from it's father.
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714 |
Citigirl, about half the time, maybe more, affairs are symptoms of problems in the marriage. If you don't treat the underlying problems, infidelity could raise it's ugly head again.
Since he wants to stay, and he's showing remorse, I'd seize the opportunity ask him to go to marriage counseling with you.
Make sure you're clear that the MC is NOT to beat up on him or punish him, but to help you improve the marriage to such a point that he'll never ever want to kiss another woman again. I like the subtitle on HNHN: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. That's what the MC would be about.
Also, don't be surprised if you suddenly break down or get really mad. There's a lots of ups and downs when you recover from something like this.
Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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