Both my husband and I are committed to recovering our marriage. It won't be easy. We've both been hurtful, been betrayed, etc. There is a lot of anger. Husband is dealing with depression. We have found a good MC who is helping us. It didn't deteriorate overnight, it will not recover overnight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Here is my current dilemma, the issue that is keeping me awake at night: our friends and family.

When husband decided it was the "last straw" and he wanted out just before Christmas, he told EVERYONE. His parents. His brother. His best friends. Of course, the wagons circled and I was the enemy. They said the right things..."we want you to be happy, whatever you decide" but of course he'd told them several white lies and twisted half-truths about my behaviour in order to justify his decision.

On my side, however, I told my sister - who likes my husband very much and is a psychologist. She did not take sides, and in fact both my husband are slated to visit and stay with her and her family next month. As well, my best friend stayed impartial, desperately wants us to work it out, and is very supportive.

My mom - ugh. She has never liked my husband, thinks he did not support me well when I went back to school (a joint decision by both of us), and thinks he is abusive and mean (he HAS been very verbally abusive in the past). She thinks he will not change and I am better off without him...and so does my step-dad. It is so bad that at Christmas, when I went to their house for Christmas dinner and my husband picked me up, they demanded I wait outside in the snow - they did not want him in the house. My mom SAYS she will support the decision I make but qualifies everything with a "But"!.

As I mentioned, we are working things out, and I know we have to fix US first before we worry about anyone else, but I am finding his mom's hating me to be very destructive. This weekend he has gone to hockey tournament with his parents and nephews and all I keep thinking is what sort of poison his family is feeding him about me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> When I asked him about this, he told me that I should "give him a little credit" and that we need to ignore what others say. Maybe he is right.

But I suspect he has NOT told his friends and family that we are getting along, though he did tell them we were going to counseling. I cannot decided if (a) he is afraid of what he has told them about me and doesn't want to back pedal and admit he embellished, (b) he is afraid of his mom and her opinion (a legitimate concern, she is something else!) or (c) he is enjoying the sympathy, or (d) he told them we were separating, and though we are NOT separated (we are sleeping in the same bed, having sexual relations, talking things through) he wants his friends and family to believe he IS separated for some reason...

When I question him on what he has told people, he gets defensive and says "believe it or not, I try not to talk to other people about it", which I tend to believe. His family do not EVER speak of personal issues or problems (part of the problem, really).

There is no PA going on. I know this for certain.

Opinions welcome!

How have you gotten along with his family in the past?

How long have you been married?

His mom and I have never been close, but she "fakes it" well...she is a stay at home mom, cooks, cleans, etc....I have a career and do not cook.

We are from a small city where everyone (it seems) knows everyone...our families still live there, but we live 8 hours away. Our families know each other, are of the same religion but do not go to the same church (a bit of rivalry there, stupid I know).

We have known each other since high school, living together for 11 years, 6 of them we have been married.

I get along well with his dad and brother and sister in law. But we live far away...so don't see them much.

Well, I can see why there would be friction if she is a SAHM, rather domestic and you DON'T cook.

Too bad for her. I think your situation seems very hopeful. I'm sure hubby has done some complaining to his family to justify his side. Now he will have to make things right again. This may take some time. Please be patient.

Hi GaelicGril
The best way to handle this is for him to deal with his family and for you to deal with yours.

That means you tell your mum that she has to accept that you are working on your marriage and that if she cannot accept that, you will not be able to see her for the time being as her position is not helping you.

Tell your H that you had this conversation.

Then ask your H if he thinks he could do the same thing with his mother as it would help your recovery.

Does this make sense?

Thank you. I know I have to be very patient, it's just...I'm not, lol!

There is NO WAY he could have that conversation with his mother! He is so terrified of her (he'd never admit it) I am sure it took every ounce of his strength to tell them he wanted to separate from me in the first place. To have to go back and tell them, so soon, that it didn't happen...well, I don't think he has the anatomy, if you get what I'm saying.

Same with his friends. We had a huge fight...well, not a fight, because he is trying to keep his temper in check and we actually DISCUSSED it, which was nice - but we had a huge discussion last week over a stupid virtual coffee and New Years message I'd posted on his Facebook.

He deleted it last week.

Trouble is, he didn't delete the Christmas messages from his friends. He justified it by saying he cleaned out his account "all the time" and it "wasn't intentional". When I brought up his friends Christmas messages, he got defensive and still claimed that it wasn't intentional and that he was sorry.

It still bugs me, and I can't let go, because I suspect the REAL reason is that he didn't want his friends to see the message there, and know that we were getting along.

I don't know this for certain, but I suspect it. Why else would he do it? We are getting along, working on our problems, spending more time together than we have in years, going to MC. We have plans for a trip to visit my sister and he says he loves me. Things are even going well in the bedroom <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So why would he delete that damn message, when he didn't delete any others? And WHY am I letting it bother me so much? Why can't I let go?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

His mom buys me COOKBOOKS all the time, despite me saying I don't cook, don't want to cook, am not good at it. This has been going on for years. He has a very large, very close knit "family is everything" kind of family. Mine is very small (four of us), very dysfunctional, and very fractured. His mom insults my family all the time with underhanded comments like "It's a real shame you didn't get to grow up in a real family, with cousins and aunts and uncles". These hurt me. Husband realizes it, but never has the you-know-what to confront them.

The difference between a parent-child relationship and a husband-wife relationship is that one is meant to be temporary and the other is meant to be permanent. A child will eventually leave their parent. When they marry, that relationship becomes permanent (we hope!) and takes priority over the parent-child relationship. Once married, husband and wife "cleave" to each other above-and-beyond all others. If parents, friends, acquaintances get in the way of that, then they are interfering with the marriage.

Princessmeggy said it much better than I could! You need to tell your H that it is his duty to protect you from disrespectful behaviour by his mother. If he can't do this by telling her to treat you properly, he has to do it by keeping her and her communications away from you.

It isn't your fault that your family is small and dysfunctional and she can't treat you as if it is. This needs to be a requirement that you make of your H.

And don't worry about the rest of his family. If his mother comes into line, they will too.

Would it be possible for you to go with him to any and every family related event for the oh, I don't know, next couple of years? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> To do so would take care of a few things. One, you wouldn't be alone stewing on what they are all saying about you or what he is not saying about you. Two, it emphasizes the reality that you are married, that you are still married and that you are presenting yourselves as a *couple*. And it would start the process of pushing the extended family into recognizing and normalizing the reconciliation.



So, he deleted something nice from you and has left messages from his friends that were negative toward you and marriage and/or supportive of the separation?

He is refusing to delete the negative messages from his myspace account?

Sounds to me like he is a conflict avoider who would rather just not mention that he is working on the marriage. That way he doesn't have to explain the things he probably said about you. He really needs to grow up and be his own man.

EXACTLY Believer!!!!!! That's exactly what I think. He doesn't want to have to back pedal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Graplin - oh yes, I've decided that come heck or high water, I'm going to every single stupid wedding, baby shower, party what-have-you that in the past I've avoided like the plague because I am an outcast. I'm a good person - I'm nice, I have good friends, a good career, I think I'm pretty nice and he's darn lucky to have me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> They're either going to have to accept it, or shut up.

As for the Facebook messages - noooooo the messages he left from his friends weren't at all derogatory to me or our marriage. They were more like "Merry Christmas, hope to see you in the New Year" type things. The point IS, he deleted MY Happy New Year message, but not the friends ones. Am I being anal and picky? Maybe. I'm trying to get over it.

Anyhoo, last night he returned from the family hockey tournament (I couldn't go even if I had wanted to - I work shifts and was at work all weekend) and told me he loved me, AND he had missed me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

this sounds tough...i know for me, it was my H who cheated on me and I told a few friends and my family, however noone on his side knows about it. I'm fine with my friends when i'm alone but am not comfortable yet doing things with him and them because i'm still so embarassed. I found a great book for him online, and he read it and i guess one of the things he's supposed to do is take responsibility for the fact that he made not only me feel bad but others as well so he's supposed to contact certain people with some sort of acknowledgement / apology / commitment or whatever...

www.aftertheaffair.net

I have a copy of the book if you ever would like to see it.

No you are not being picky, you are right to be very sensitive to his behaviour especially right now. If I were in your shoes, I would plaster his FB wall every day with really icky kissy stuff
:-)

hehe - reminds me of a Stuart Smalley moment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

From SNL - "And you know what? I deserve it! [ turns to his mirror ] Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me! "

At the gatherings you attend do you find yourself on the outskirts all alone holding your glass of ice tea and looking around trying to catch (or sometimes avoid) anyone's eye?

Maybe at first you could take one of your friends with you to these things? That way you've got someone to chat with, when it seems like the rest of the family is herded up on the other side of the room. Or is there at least one family member (usually another in-law) that you can buddy up with? Those are the kinds of things that would make your visit less intimidating and isolated.



Well, I can see how you would feel a little put out by it. I liked the suggestion someone just had about putting up a kissyface message at least once a week if not everyday.

In addition to the standard Valentines, etc, look up a list of holiday/special days - in the US, there is some esoteric thing going on every week. "Happy National Quilters Day, honey!". Secretary's Day, Take your Daughter to Work Day...

I found a link to get you started.

For ex.:
January 3

* Drinking Straw Day
* Alaska Admission Day
* National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day
* First Electric Watch Made
* Atom First Split
* Festival of Sleep
* March of Dimes Established
or

January 6

* National Shortbread Day
* Apple Tree Day
* George and Martha Washington Marry; George Washington Printables
* New Mexico Admission Day

or
January 14

* National Dress Up Your Pet Day
* Bald Eagle Day
* National Hot Pastrami Sandwich Day

I think it's something you could have a lot of fun with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As I mentioned, we are working things out, and I know we have to fix US first before we worry about anyone else, but I am finding his mom's hating me to be very destructive

ironically yet....your mother hates him.....

is not your mother and stepdad's hating him as equally destructive...?

This weekend he has gone to hockey tournament with his parents and nephews and all I keep thinking is what sort of poison his family is feeding him about me

His family do not EVER speak of personal issues or problems (part of the problem, really).


see realistically his family most likely won't mention you at all...that's their pattern according to you....

gaelicgirl...

let the family issues go...
let them go
let them go
let them go..

you two need to work on being a true equal loving partnership...and once that is on track these peripheral family issues will work out differently...than if you make them the hills to die now....

you want to attack his family...which will put him against a wall to somewhat defend...

and your family is the same as his.....
and you will feel pulled to defend them on some levels..

let it alllllllllllllllllll go....

focus on the two of you
not on myspace crappola
not on nephews, mothers, mother in laws etc

focus on you two..

meeting eachothers needs
being kind to one another...

when a marriage really really clicks..these issues change...

once you and your husband go to your parents house together for repeated visits and show them in action how happy you are now together...in time they will either have to accept you and him...OR you both walk away..together...


same with his family...

be gracious with family members...
smile
thank them...

and keep working with your husband..

THIS is NOT the time to confront peripheral issues...
you will fail and it will become a great distraction to the real issues at hand...

ARK