I actually didn't "just find out". I found out when his second OW called me on Nov. 25 @ 2:30 p.m. after he broke it off with her via text message. She called me to tell me about their PA and to inform me that he had had a EMA with another woman for 3 years. He wasn't home at the time. I felt like I had fallen off a 10 meter diving board.

Apparently the EMA with the 1st OW had ended in July, but I subsequently found emails full of undying love that they had sent to each other as recently as Nov. 24 - the day before Dday!

It was a real love affair - he wanted to leave me but didn't because we agreed to go into counselling. But WH was never really committed to the counselling because all his emotional energy was going into the affair. We spent 2 years in counselling while his EMA was going on, and I believe that is why we are determined to fix the marriage.

WH claims it really was over in July, that he had even forgotten her name by September - incidentally when he took up with 2nd OW.

2nd OW was a big mistake - she turned out to be a "bunny boiler" and he claims he only continued with her because he was afraid she would tell me! He got away with it because he saw her when he traveled to another city to visit his sick mother - what a devoted son (said with much sarcasm).

Having just learned about both these women (relatively speaking), I am understandibly still focussed on the who, what, when, where and how. I am still gathering "evidence" - snooping into his email accounts - for which I now have ALL his passwords. He was very clever at hiding his activities with technology. He resents this and thinks I should be "moving on" to the whys - why our marriage was falling apart and what we can do to repair it.

I am having trouble getting past the "What ifs" and getting on to the "what nows".

This website and forum, which I have only just discovered, have been a tremendous help. Just knowing there are so many out there who are going through the same thing is a tremendous comfort - not that I am happy there are others with this pain and anger - I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. Well, maybe the OWS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

"bunny boiler"? That's a new one to me.

I can understand your frame of mind. On D-Day, when I discovered that my FWW's A had gone on for two years practically under my nose, I wanted to know exactly what happened for every single hour of every single day of those two years, and I wanted an answer to every single question that I had, no matter how trivial.

Control that urge, as it will likely drive away your WH. Instead, work on setting the stage so that your WH will eventually feel more comfortable giving you the answers you're looking for without feeling like they're on the wrong side of the Inquisition.

bunny boiler - as in Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction!

I Know inquisition type q's are a big "distancer" for FWH. Sometimes I don't like the answers either. Sometimes I even "know" the answer before I ask the question. Like tonight (after we had SR), I don't even know how the question popped into my head - I asked how he had a condom available for his first encounter with the 2nd OW (FWH had been playing it out like OW was the seductress and he reluctanly went along so as not to hurt her feelings). He told me he bought them on the way to the other city (where his mother lives) because he thought, from their text messages, that it might be "heading that way".

That's a crock! Sounds like he was 100% for it all the way! I really hate the lies. I can take the truth, no matter how much it hurts. But right from the beginning, he made out like the PA with OW2 happened in the heat of the moment, largely because she wanted it and he couldn't say no. What a bunch of BS.

H.I.T., I think quite a bit of those lies are lies that they tell themselves. I think they say those lies to themselves to make it easier to accept what they're doing. For example, shortly after D-Day, my FWW did tell me that neither she or the OM pushed for the A to happen, that it "just happened", even though quite a bit of the evidence (e.g. her inviting him to our home when I was not around) suggests otherwise. It's only after the fog cleared that it seems she started to really understand how her actions really contributed to the A and what type of man the OM really was.

In conclusion, don't beat him too hard over the head when he discloses stuff about his A - just realize that his actions during that time are probably a better descriptor of the truth than his words.

MIM Thanks for the perspective. I do tend to blurt out without thinking of the consequences. AFter I wrote that, I went back to bed (it was 2:30 am here), snuggled into him and said "it's alright and I still love you". This morning, he was subdued, but not as distant as he could have been.

It's the A with OW2 that has him really upset with himself - se e my thread "Thanks schoolbus" in the general topic. He pretty much refuses to talk about that one without the MC present. She was a "cripple" (his words) and s**ually dysfunctional at first. But that didn't send him running. Again, because he already had a secret, I guess it wasn't a big deal to him to have another one. But I could tell his stress levels were high and he was distancing himself, again.

I don't really know where I am going with this. I just appreciate the ability to spout off with other people who understand. I was so lost in my own head before I found these forums.