I've been posting quite a bit in Rebuilding because I believe this is where we are now. It's only been a couple of months since I found out but we have been working hard. Before it ever happened, H and I had discussed the issue of him being depressed but we never went further than that however this past weekend, it really came out. He's feeling completely overwhelmed at life, and terrible about himself and just can't get better. It's affecting him terribly and is one of the biggest reasons he self-destructs the way he does. He finally called someone to talk and is going to be calling his family doctor today to discuss medication. He's very worried about the medication and to be honest, so am i. He's completely ashamed and embarassed as well but i'm so happy he's finally working to get better. Does anyone else have a spouse who is depressed and how hard is it for you, especially if he was the one who cheated and you're the one who needs all this 'stuff' from your partner???

I would think that EVERY remorseful WS would be depressed...if they're not, then they aren't wired correctly or are not truly remorseful.

So your WS is depressed....TOO BAD. He needs to suck it up and fulfill his obligations. My d-day nearly broke my mind. Do I feel like being the sole provider for the family? Do I feel like working hard to earn what OM was given so easily?

No, I don't. I hate every second of it, but I do it anyway because that is what I'm supposed to do.

Don't buy the "I'm too depressed to function normally" excuse. Quite often, it bullsh!t. I know depression too well to believe that nonsense.

oh he's sucking it up...he's not depressed since the A, he's been depressed for more than a year...at least, if not more. I'm sure his depression and his warped mind if what allows him to be so self-destructive. I think the A and how much work he needs to now is pretty much showing him that he needs some help to get through this. It's funny because I know he's really depressed, and when I say this i think like a chemical imbalance..probably something he has always had but over the weekend, he was sooo miserable, and it completely monopolized the Fri/Sat and then on Sunday he basically told me he needed to do something he wanted to do, like watch football and not feel guilty about it. I was ok with it, but not the whole day...which is what it ended up being. I felt pissed off because I dedicated my whole weekend to making him feel better, taking care of him and the issues with his daughter, yet when I wanted some quality time on Sunday, he was not into it. Basically said, "I never watch football and never do anything for myself, so i really just need this and need for you to not be mad at me for taking the time. I still want to be with you, but only if you watch football with me." Anways, I felt bad because he doens't do anything for himself on a regular basis...not really. But then again, I don't either.
I told myself, it's only a weekend and for some reason he really needs this and I'm not supposed to tell him or demand things from him...this is what i've done before and it tore us apart. Anyways, i was still mad and he even went so far as not coming to bed with me when I went...thankfully the game was over within minutes but just the fact that he knew i needed quality time and it didn't matter to him really upset me.
How do I respect his time, yet get quality time without demanding it??

Hi Storm33,

After Mrs. RIF's final confession, she had a complete breakdown. I won't go into the details but we got her the professional help that she needed and got her on the right meds and she is doing great.

We would have never rebuilt our M if she hadn't gotten professional help.

It's very hard for the BS to have to deal with a non-functioning WS and doubly hard when you're trying to rebuild a M after an A. You have to make a decision on whether or not YOU are up to doing whatever it takes to get your WS whole again before you start rebuilding. If you're not, then that is an acceptable decison and you have every right to end the M.

For me, I chose to rebuild with Mrs. RIF. In making that decision, I knew that I would have to get Mrs. RIF the help she needed BEFORE we could start rebuilding. I knew that it wouldn't be "fair"... I knew that I would be pulling almost 100% of the load for a long time... But it was MY decision.

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF,

How do you get help for someone else? Doesn't this decision and drive reside solely with the afflicted? When I was depressed, during my Plan A and Plan B, I sought help for myself.

I ask because my FWH is depressed. HE has SAID he wants to feel better and SAID that he would get help, then either ended sessions with the counselor, making excuses or never called the doc to talk about meds. I would like to open up dialogue with FWH about this, and have but dont' know quite what to say beyond the obvious, that it would behoove him to get the proper help, and that I support that.

Well I am committed to rebuilding so if it means standing by him through this, then so be it. What gets me, is this was an issue before the A, and I stood by him then asking him to get help but he wasn't open to it. It's taken the A to bring him out of his shell and to see what needs to be done on his end. It's scary though and to be honest, a little infuriating because all of a sudden, I am sort of feeling like I'm on the backburner after his problems...I have a problem with that. That tends to be one of my 'triggers' like we discussed last week.

Oye!

Hi SL - Mrs. RIF had a complete mental breakdown that required hospitalization. Of course you can't MAKE your spouse do anything, but in my case, Mrs. RIF was not in able to make any decisions for herself.

Hey Storm33 - In our situation, I truly believe that Mrs. RIF hit absolute rock bottom. She couldn't get any lower. As I said earlier, if you choose to rebuild, it won't "feel" fair at all based on the load that you will carry at first...

I really haven't sat down and put a time-line to it, but if I did, I'd guess that I carried 90+% of the load for the first YEAR of our rebuilding. Was this "fair"? Probably not... but for me, it was definitely worth it.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks RIF!

I am carrying the BULK of the load, storm. It's best to get guidance from the Harleys in regards to your recovery. As for the depression, obviously, I have nothing helpful to offer, except my support.

SL:

HOW LONG has there been NC with the OP as far as you know?

it has been 7 months (last contact via email was in June 07).

Are you sure, SL, about the NC?

I've asked about contact and he's said there is none. I've checked email and phone records, on and off. I see nothing. I asked him if there is anybody else, new or otherwise and he's said no. HE is home after work everyday. He works with my BIL, and commutes with him to and from work, so there is little chance for clandestine meetings.

Again, I can only know what is available to me. HE calls me everyday on his way home; sometimes calls during the day.

So it is REASONABLE for you to talk OPENLY with him about wanting to work with him as a TEAMMATE to get this done.

Tell him that YOU FEEL that YOU TWO need to come up with A PLAN.

One thing you haven't done SL is the 15 HOURS of uninterrrupted time together. Am I correct?

Maybe we should move our discussion to your thread.

I was just going to suggest a movement to my thread, so that storm can get the help she deserves without my mucking it up. I'll pull up my thread, thanks Mimi

My WH is depressed. Friends and his mother agree. He doesn't agree. I'm sure it will get worse and then he will realize he needs help. I'm very sure that his depression helped create the mess we are now in.

that sounds like he's being pretty transparent...and you have full access to his emails, cell phone, etc?

Is your H depressed as well? Has he been depressed since you found out about the A or was he before?

It more than likely did help create it the mess you are in...it should did for me. It's not easy dealing with my own emotional stuff and now his...I'm going to do my best to be supportive but he can't use his depression as an escape..basically it's what's happening with his parenting. He can't handle anymore so he's just giving up so I stepped in and picked up the slack...of course after I did, he was so appreciative, but still it sucks. Who's taking care of me and my needs?? Feels like we're right back to where we started.

Storm,

yes, he has been transparent. I can't say that I fully trust him, nor will I ever, but I believe him when he answers my questions without emotion, matter of factly.

I recognized signs of ANXIETY in him years ago, and depression since his mother died, right before his first A.

I like Mimi's Teammate strategy.
help him see that you're in this together.
many times depressed people think they're alone in their struggles.

help him get to a psychiatrist who can give him more in depth help than your regular family doctor.

also--medicine makes all the difference in the world!


hugs,
cgw

Doesn't the medicine scare you guys? I worry about it and so does he; we both see so many people go on anti-depressants because drs are so quick to prescribe them yet they never seek a day of counselling. Are there tests to see if this is a shortterm depression or if this is a lifelong thing?
We worry about the sex drive, the moods, anxieties..all those good things. I've told him I'm in it with him yet even now, I'm asking if he's called his doctor and he accuses me of nagging him...how should I be dealing with that?