yes...they can have side effects...but so can meds for other medical conditions (you're right--it's a chemical imbalance). you just have to try them till you find the right one(s).

my FWH is on 3 meds (he's bipolar) and is seeing his psychiatrist every month. this has helped him to cope with life, whereas before, he said he "felt like he didn't fit into his skin" and had tried to escape his problems.

I am also on an antidepressant due to menopausal depression. when I went off of the for a short while, I too felt like your husband: I started to withdraw, had negative thoughts, and just wanted the pain to go away. fortunately...FWH got me back on my meds again and I'm fine now.

ask him what he's got to lose? he doesn't know how much better he'll feel till he tries, will he?
hugs,
cgw

I was against meds before the A's occurred. I was an exerciser, and that wasn't helping. My ANXIETY was HIGH, and my lows were dipping way down, so that I was only going thru the motions to take care of my son, not even considering myself or anybody else.

I talked, in depth, with my family doc, and she listened. She prescribed me Lexapro, and referred me to psychologists in the area. I did not do the counseling, but the meds did wonders for me. I had no sexual side effects, and my anxiety became recognizable and manageable. The depression was lessened to the point that I didn't just function, but I relaxed and felt better about myself. I became stronger when I could think more clearly, and less based on emotion.

When starting meds, you can experience some strange side effects, including thoughts of suicide, so it's important that you both keep a watchful eye and also talk with your doctor regularly, even schedule regular appointments. I had one at one month after starting my meds, then another month, then three months thereafter. These are necessary to monitor the effects of the meds and dosage, as well as considering a different drug.

Storm,

You are right about Dr. prescribing the meds. The meds will only work if they are used in conjuction with counseling. By that I mean, the meds will help, but in order to overcome the Depression and to beat it is to do both.

There are no tests for seeing whether this is lifelong or shortterm. It would be nice, but no dice. It does suck that you have to pick up the slack, I've been there. But if he gets the help he needs than it will be worth it, especially when you love this man. The only bad thing is that you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Chances are he won't see a Dr. until he hits another bottom (sort like this weekend). I am going through this with my WS as well. He was ready for the meds and for IC, but he was out of town. By the time he got back, he was doing "better". Unfortunately, depression is a cycle, so now I just have to wait until he gets to the bottom again. At least this time I am prepared with names and numbers for him. That is all you can do for now. This is sometimes harder for a man to admit to and get help, something about the ego and asking for help. Just be prepared when he hits bottom again.

I also suffer from anxiety/panic attacks/depression. Have been for 4 yrs. I was on the meds, but no counseling, therefore I didn't get any better. Now I am in counseling, coupled with this site, I can see myself getting better everyday.

As far as side effects, there is a whole wide range of meds. available today. His DR. will help find the right one for him. Sometimes it takes a little trial and error before you find the right med. and dose. BE PATIENT. And whatever you all do, DO NOT let him quit the meds. cold turkey. Withdrawls from suddenly stopping are awful. Just work closely with your Dr. If there is something he doesn't like, go back in. Do not worry about whether you are going in too much, because you are doing what you guys need to do in order to get him healed. I have been there and done all of this. Just listen closely to his Dr. and ask as many questions as you need.

Also, the side effects vary from person to person. He may not get them at all and many times the go away after being on the meds for awhile. Do not get discouraged.

The meds do not scare me, because I know what rock bottom is like, and that was WAY worse. I was on them before my DDay, and let me tell you I can't imagine having to go through all of this without them (there is more about this on my thread...). It would have been a nightmare. Think about it like this, if you were dealing with a really bad infection say like a kidney infection, would you refuse the antibiotics necessary to clear it up??? You need to do what is necessary to fix this.

I hope this helps and I didn;t come off too harsh, I just think that sometimes the FEAR of AD's is scarier that going on them. If you have any more questions ask away...

not2fun

Well he's supposed to call and he sounds like he's making excuses today; i offered to call for him just to make the appointment but he would have none of that. We don't have the same family doctor so it makes it kind of awkward. Do you think I should be going in when he goes for that appointment or what should I be doing? just trusting everything H tells me?
It's really not fair sometimes...honestly, the more I think about it the more angry I get. I have a birthday coming up and I guess I was thinking he would plan something pretty special...still trying to make up for what happened. I'm not a super materialistic person but I really like when someone goes out of their way or out on their own to do something nice for me. i think that's pretty normal. Well of course, once again, my birthday comes with me having to make all the decisions and then because apparently what I wanted cause him all this financial stress (dinner at the same restaurant where he proposed to me 2 years ago on my birthday) I finally just told him today, forget about my birthday ...just buy me bras. I need new bras! LOL

Now that totally sucks...in order to keep him calm, and not stressed, i'm losing out. Is this fair?? I have basically given him a step by step of my birthday plans...I've told him the general idea but asked him to come up with something on his own to surprise me, but of course he couldn't do that. We are going on a honeymoon at the end of February because we just got married in August...so he's saying why don't we celebrate our birthdays in the south instead? He just doesn't get it...i'm ok with that, but for my actual day, i really wanted him to show me how special i was. This was NOT the way. Even our honeymoon - I'm the one doing MOST of the planning...imagine!! This email is just becoming one big rant session...maybe better here than with him. If i told him any of this stuff he'd just start feeling down on himself again and I don't have the patience for it.
You know one thing that i'm wondering about...the 15 hours a week or time together. We're not doing that and to him that seems excessive. We spend a lot of time together...almost all of our time together, but most of it is watching TV, running errands or doing chores. Once a week we will go out ...usually to a movie, or a bar or something like that. Sometimes dinner with friends but lately we don't do that anymore. Anyways, it's the day to day that I'm worried about...i don't think it's normal to just sit and watch TV all night and I'll admit, i have been feeling so bummed out as well that I just use it as an escape.

Does anyone have ideas for ways to spend this time together...i'm starting to feel neglected that way and i know it sounds nuts but it's just the quality of time that i'm not getting.

Try to think about what you USED to do together, on the regular, that you enjoyed. My FWH enjoyed playing cards, playing video games. We also played pool. We enjoy watching movies together, always have, but we would talk about them afterwards. We still do this now.

When you say it OUT LOUD, 15 hours may seem excessive, but it's not, not considering how much time you used to spend just lounging around together. The time is about bonding, and filling EN's, relaxing and enjoying each other. Don't push that QUALITY button just yet. Get used to spending the time together, infusing QUALITY into it, by talking or by sitting close or touching. It's really ALL quality, because it will be helping you rebuild.

Now, having said that, do as I say, not necessarily as I do. I'm no pro at the 15 hours, but I recognize it's HIGH importance. It will probably be YOU scheduling this, but you can brainstorm with your H on WHAT to do. Maybe plan something different, to shake things up; a concert or go see a comedian. I dunno. If money is an issue, look online for Free stuff going on around town. Start playing cards together; a deck costs nearly nothing.

Actually we used to play backgammon once in a while together...that was fun. I love going for walks after dinner but it's winter and quite cold; he's not a big fan of the cold. LOL

Our talking lately consists of problem solving so that usually never ends up very good. He's not really one to just talk about his dreams, or wishes or desires. We sometimes go to play pool; that's fun.

He's upset because he feels like I don't let him do his own things but really it's more like I wish he would fulfill some of my Emotional needs and then I would feel so much more comfortable and not so needy. It never really comes out the way i want to say it when i do say it. Basically, i just tried again and he hears that I don't want him to do anything and he can never make me happy.

arrggghhhh!!!