I am trying to think of what to convey to you. My time is limited as I am about to head out for work. However, I feel that this is the most healthy group to interact with.

The first issue I suppose is the that SO and I are not actually married. We had lived together for about 7 years now. That is a bone of contention with her, and I do belive it is valid.

I am trying to summarize here.

I found out in November that she had slept with someone else. A former pupil who for all intents and purposes was a friend. I guess all the classic signs were there. She had taken him on as a confidant, he had gone to her for a sounding board as well. It turns out that he had made overatures to her back in May, and kissed her. She recoiled at the advance physically, but the thing that caught her off guard was that she really didnt want to. I guess he made her feel like I used to. Apparently, from what I am to find out, her friends and one of her contemporaries had percieved this guys feelings for her. She brushed them off initially. She should have I supposed wrote him off after his initial advance. However, they continued to interact. He asked her out to see a movie and have dinner. She brought a mutual friend along as a sort of a chapparone. My girl felt I suppose that they could have a nice time out and so long as he knew that she was leaving with her friend and not him that there would be no harm and no foul. (wrong) The friend had told her that unless she ended this relationship that she could not speak to her anymore. I was totally oblivious to the whole thing. Apparently, they would hang out, and in those occasions, he would again make physical advances at her. I dont know how you can dismiss that, and I think that she was lying to herself and to me the whole time. Anyway, on one of these fated outings, they wound up sleeping together.. that seems like such a nice euphamism for what actually happened.

There are problems and have been problems with out relationship.

I have since moved out.

We interact. I come over to do laundry, help with things that she needs help with. I make dinner. Things like that. She has come over to my apartment a few times. Its all awkward.. there are many hurt feelings. I will get into greater depth on the matter later.

She still has feelings for him. She has not completely removed him from her life. He has tried to contact her since I sent him a letter expressing to him that he was not to. I guess thats not my call to make. I was trying to find a way to confront him without landing myself in prison for what I suppose would be a natural consequence of my rage.

I told her that at the very least, she needs to remove him from things like her myspace page.. and that she needs to send him a letter saying that they are done, period forever, end of story..

I gotta run. I will talk to you later..



be well


the blues man.

You are not M'd.

There's no vows, no commitment to uphold.

I'm assuming that there are no children or joint property involved either?

If that's the case, then my suggestion would be to walk away and remove her from your life. She has already proven that she's capable of cheating on you - why would you want to establish a relationship with her? Can you see yourself entering into a permanent commitment with someone who's already pursued a relationship with someone else behind your back?

You are right on that. Not married. No vows. Having read what has been written on the topic, the notion of living together outside of wedlock is not the most advisable thing. I think the good doctor said that based on the numbers, you would have to have lived together for a sustained 8 years or more to have the same chance to not wind up in divorce as a couple getting married without having cohabitated. The reason being that you are dealing in the living together scenario with a lease, not a purchase more or less.

We still interact she and I. I love the woman, and do not want to just write it all off. I want to marry this woman, but this definately puts that in a rough place. I suppose I could be hard headed on the matter and I am just not owning up to reality. However, I am not giving up.

I find myself in a tight spot, going to school fulltime, trying to work full time, though my hours have been cut by nearly half, and my overhead is increased. We do not have joint property per se, but the house that she lives in is drenched in my sweat. The house that we used to live in is part of the issue to. The stress of ownership had caused her to spin out mentally. There is blame to pass around. My ability to be an equal financial partner is not, well, equal. The big LBs for her so far as I can tell were all wrapped up in conversation, recreation and to a smaller degree, domestic support. He didnt offer her anything in the way of house cleaning, but he did fill up the old love bank with conversation and recreation.

I am spinning my wheels here I am sure. As I am not married to this woman, but I have lived with her longer than some people here have probably been married.

I guess I will hang out, lurk and look for insight on the matter. Trying to see what I can do to try to not make demands, trying to diffuse resentment, trying to be generally cool. However, I feel like one giant raw nerve and I feel like prozac IV drip would be in order..

be well,

Blues_Man, I was RIGHT where you are right now. True, I wasn't cohabitating with my GF at the time, but we'd been together for several years before she first cheated on me. I thought EXACTLY the same way that you are doing right now, and in fact, several years later, I ended up marrying my GF. I thought that all the hurt that we both went through would be enough to convince her that cheating was not worth it, and she vowed to never do it again. She went out of her way to convince me that it was me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

Well, after 13 years of M, 2 children and lots of joint property, she cheated on me again, and this time a LOT worse than the first time. A two-year A, with the PA taking place in my home amongst other places, and I have the additional pleasure of seeing the OM ever week or so on my way to work, just to remind me of what happened. Finally, even though the A is over 3 years now, she is an entirely different person and it's proving to be very difficult to meet her ENs, she's not "in love" with me and I'm running out of the energy needed to recover our M.

Blues_Man, it's a lot more difficult to walk away when you're no longer a young bachelor, you've been M'd for 13 years, and there are children involved. And it's difficult to accept what's left too. And it hurts a lot worse because you know that your spouse DEMONSTRATED to you that they're quite capable of cheating on you, yet you chose to marry them anyway.

My advice remains to walk away.

Thank you for trying to help me see the light of the matter. What I am about to say may fit a conventional description of insanity as I am going to attempt basically the same thing that you described and expect a different result.

Of course, now that I am out on my own, between here and the end of my lease, my perspective may change radically.

I think regardless, there will need to be some manner of help, guidance, counselling to have a snowballs chance in h e double hockey sticks, should I, and therfore we do exactly what you are telling me not to do.

I will have to use the time to make peace with all of the choices I will have to make.

Thank you for your time and advice.

My hopes rest in you being wrong, and my fears lie in you being right.

well, in principle anyway.