Found out about the affair, I confronted, I announced to family and friends, I filed for divorce. He is still at our home while going to see her, texting her, talking to her. He wont leave the house because he is afraid it will hurt his custody rights of our 2 young children. He says he is in love with her and that he wants to be with her. He says that he loves me but is not in love with me. He wants to go to her. But he will still not leave the house and pretends with the children there is nothing wrong. I am in so much pain right now. I can't legally get him out, and we have drained all of our money because of this issue and if he leaves it will further hurt me financially. But the pain is so great. I cant stand it. I dont deserve this. He started the affair before he left for Iraq, and had an emotional affair via e-mail with her during the 1.5 years which bonded them completely. I stayed home, worked, took care of the children, all of the military families, fianances and home. I thought when he got home our lives would be wonderful. I was totally used. I am hurt, and I cant stand the pain. Help me.

Prayer Sally..

And get ready because the vets are going to 20 question you. Don't take offense to the questions, and answer them honestly.

The biggest question you ought to ask yourself is: Do I want to save my marriage?

If your answer is Yes.. you're in the right place. If your answer is No.. we can still help you try to recover yourself.

Have you read the basic concepts on the website?

As for coping with the pain, I, and many others can tell you that it does get easier to deal with, over time. I know you probably don't want to hear that, but it's true. Right now it's going to hurt, it's raw, and we all understand that. VENT HERE, not at your H.. watch your LoveBusters.. do not have angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements at this point.

That does not mean you have to be a doormat either. Talk to your lawyer about what options you may have to get him out of the house IF you don't want him there.

Do not make decisions on emotional reaction.. examine your motivations and your actions before taking them. This is not a time to be rash.

sally, how long has this been going on?

Hi Sally,

I'm sorry you are here. The pain, is AWFUL. But you WILL GET THROUGH IT.

James said the wisest thing. Pray... as hard and as long as you can.

There are so many people on here who know what you are feeling or something similar to that and want to help you. I am still relatively new. BUT I completely understand that PAIN.

Read as much as you can on here as possible, start asking questions and if you dont get the answers you need, keep asking until you do. There are two books that were recommended to be in the very beginning, Surviving and Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. If you can afford them, they are really good books to help you begin to process what is happening.

Another good thing to remember is to breathe... and be still. There is SO MUCH you are about to learn and doesn't NEED TO BE DONE in ONE DAY.

We are here for you..

((((Sally))))

You are not alone..this is important to remember. Your situation is not unique...something else to remember. Prayers are vital, time is vital, family/friends are vital, and support is vital.

The VETS on here are important because they can help you with advice, others in you position but at different stages are important because they will encourage and help lift you up (I fall into this catagory).

I am so SORRY you are here, but this is the VERY BEST place to be.

It will help if you start at the beginning and tell us the whole story. Don't worry about it being too long and detailed.

James had some good questions, though I would say if Dday was recent, do not act on anything just yet. You want to make good sound decisions, not ones based on your emotions of the moment/hour/day/week.

The best thing about Plan A is that you will improve yourself for YOU not him. If he changes his mind and comes back to your M, then he will reap the benefits of those changes. If you end up D, then you will come out of this mess a better/stronger/more courageous/desirable person.

It is ok you are feeling this way, in fact it is normal. You will feel different things as the days go by, this too is normal. Read all you can on this site and learn. Don't worry if it seems overwhelming, we will help wade through it all.

Most important of all, you are CARED ABOUT AND LOVED by those on here. Stay in contact and we will help.


(((((Sally)))))\

not2fun

The best way that I found to deal with the pain is to remind myself that it isn't PERMANENT...it won't last forever, even though I know it sometimes feels as though it will.

To answer the questions below - they started about 1.5 years ago (I now dont believe). He tells me that he met her right before he left for Iraq. That they did not sleep together until he came home for his 2 week leave a year later then repeatedly when he came home this October. I even helped set up a 2 day hotel stay when he told me that he needed space to clear his head and I told him that the war was the cause and I set up a ocean resort for him to walk on the beach to clear his head. I am so stupid. I even sent a fruit basket for thier affair telling him how much I loved him. I bet they got a good laugh from that one. I pray a lot. It hurts a lot.

Ok Sally... hang in there.

You're already doing one of the best things you can do in prayer. Once you get through this initial hurt you'll come to realize pretty quick that this is a spiritual battle which you will have to entrust yourself, and your husband to God.

I don't say that to tell you there is no hope, I say that to tell you that there IS hope. Read up on the plans here, ask questions, get involved and I PROMISE you, you will at least have a plan of action (and sometimes inaction) that will give the recovery of your marriage the BEST POSSIBLE chance of success.

There are no guarantees here, but there is one thing I CAN tell you, is that you can survive this and come out the other side better for having done so.. regardless of whether or not your husband chooses to recover with you.

Fast
Pray
Hope
and KNOW that God will not abandon His faithful.

Vent here, and ask questions.. I can't stress this enough. A LOT of what you will be advised will go against every instinct in your body.. but TRUST the veterans, they have all been where you are right now.. and they know what they're talking about.

I'm no vet.. I'm pretty new here just like you. It's a marathon, not a sprint..

Look for, and bookmark the tutorials out there.. look for Ark's threads as they are usually chock full of goodies.. Bob Pure's Toolkit for newly betrayed spouses is a good one too.

Look for Pepperband's thread on the carrot and stick of Plan A.. and if you catch them around.. get Mr. and Mrs. W involved.. they are FABULOUS.

Sally, when did you find out? See, plan A is not intended to be a WAY OF LIFE where you become used to being ABUSED by his affair. It is only supposed to be a very SHORT phase BEFORE you go into Plan B if the affair does not end. You are not SUPPOSED TO get used to this. This is ABUSE of the worst kind. People have nervous breakdowns from this.

Plan A only works to end the affair in 15% of the cases. It is intended to be SHORT, ie: around 6 weeks for women. So, if you have been in Plan A longer than that, I would suggest you look to Plan B and FAST.

If you can't get a legal seperation and get him moved out, then I would move out myself, but with a LSA in place.

If he is in the military have you exposed the affair to his commander?

I think from one of her previous posts, her husband IS the commander.

Yes - he is the commander. I am the commander's wife. I am the one other wives come to for help. That is all I did while he was gone. I thought that is what would fill his love tank by knowing that I was taking care of everything while he was away - even all of the military families - day and night. What I did not know was that someone else was filling his "personal" love tank and he grew to love her over the deployment instead of me. Now he wants to leave me. If I go over his head in the military - I will destroy his military political career. That would be vindictive - I am trying to be a good person - getting used - but I never want it to be said that I was petty and nasty. I would like to be a good person through this - but it is so hard. I need support to take the high road.

Another question - why wont he leave the house after I have begged him to. He says he wont leave until I file for divorce. So I did. He says now that he will not leave until we begin settlement. He says this because he doesn't want to compromise his rights with the children. But the law does not state that by him leaving - that will happen. So why wont he go? Why wont he go be with her if he loves her so much. He goes and comes back. Is he trying to hurt me - he says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he has already. He knows that everytime he goes to her house, he hurts me. Yet he still goes. I told him last night that he is sick and needs therapy. I set it up for him. But all he is listening to is this predator that is trying to reck his marriage, children and military honor. Yet he still goes back. She is fully aware of what she is doing. He is not seeing it. I cant help him anymore. I have tried and I am tired of fighting. I want him out of my life. Why wont he leave?

Sally, the affair needs to be exposed to HIS COMMANDER. Not out of VINDICTIVENESS, but to save your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure will ruin it. He is NOT worried about his career at all, nor should you.

Taking the "high road" is EXPOSURE. It is not taking the "high road" to help him and his girl friend HIDE their secret. it is not "being a good person" to help him hide his affair which only result in the destruction of your marriage and your children's family. There is NOTHING good about doing that! You are only ENABLING them at THE EXPENSE OF YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR CHILDREN. You do him NO FAVORS covering up for him.


This is not true. If his career is destroyed it will be becasue of his affair. An action HE WILLFULLY CHOSE, so it is apparent HE is not worried about it. You do not have the power to destroy his career.

What military "honor?" Do you mean the ILLUSION of military "honor?" Helping him maintain this illusion is being done so at HIS EXPENSE. You are helping him be a BAD MAN. You are driving the get away car for a bank robber.

I agree with Mel....He should have thought of all this BEFORE his A. It is not your RESPONSIBILITY to keep his honor in tact. There is a way to Expose with grace and dignity. And there are ways to handle the fallout of the exposure with grace and dignity.

There is a difference between bad-mouthing vindictiveness and exposure to saving you M.

YOu tell his higher up what is going on. You tell them you are having problems within your M and state what your WS is doing. You don't need to go into details persay. Read up on exposure here...I can't think of any threads off the top of my head, but I know there are some good ones...Mel would know... They will help you on who you should expose to and the reasons why. They will also help you on how to expose properly. Good luck, and keep us posted....

not2fun

Sally,
Got to agree with others here. Honor is not confered to a man simply because he puts on a uniform. Honor is something that resonates from a man's character. Something, I might add, your WH has shown very little of lately. Thus it does not somehow get whitewashed because of his rank or his uniform.

I suspect your WH will not move out because someone has advised him that the courts view that as abondoment of the family. Something they take a very harsh view on. He's trying to protect his indefensible actions as well as possible from the harsh view of a judge. Hopefully, it will not wash if the right judge is sitting on the bench.

What do you know about OW? This could be very useful in the future, especially if she has a track record of doing this very same thing before.
Lots of info out there on the internet or better still, with the aid of a PI.

Exposure is your best weapon, but I would truly want to know the best exposure targets before I push the launch button.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I would also suggest exposing it to his commander.

I really feel for you. I'm not in the military nor married to someone in the military, but my father was in the military and I grew up around it. I heard things like this going on over there whether it be in Irag, Afghanistan, Turkey, Korea, Ecuador, etc.

I used to jog a lot on the last base I lived at when I was still with my parents and going to college. I used to see this man and his family, wife and children walk around the outdoor track together on base. One day I saw the very same man, but I wasn't wearing my cap at the time so i don't think he noticed I was the same person. Anyhow, he stopped me and tried to sweet talk me into going to LUNCH, not dinner but LUNCH with him. He was trying to ask me out not knowing I've seen him walking on the track with his wife and children!! That disgusted me so much. He told me he would try to get my number and set a date after I finished my rounds around the track. After he left, I continued to jog....straight to my car!!

I told my dad when I got home and with the info I remembered about that man..name and car he drove, my dad found out who it was and told that guy's first sergeant.

I don't believe it will ruin his military career. I know you've seen and experienced more than I have since you help other military wives going through the same thing. I used to work at an MEO on another base and the only things I've seen ruin careers are enlisted or officers that are involved in child pornography, sexual abuse, etc.

You've gotta be a strong woman. I believe you are b/c you're helping other military wives!

p.s. we have had several marriages saved around here when they were exposed to the chain of command in the military. The military usually steps right in and puts a quick STOP to that crap!

Mel,
What do think about finding out more info on OW before pushing that exposure button?

BTW, the military is sorta backing off these sitch's now unless it involves two miltary personel with families. Outside of that, they are beggining to adopt the approach that if the A is with a civilian, it then becomes a civilian matter, unless and until, it hampers the GI's performance on the job.

Your thoughts?

All Blessings,
Jerry

Sally...

First..I don't think anyone has asked this... is the OW in the military?

Second... You're husband is the commander...but the commander in chief of the military is the president... everyone has to report to someone... a seargent to a captain... a captain to a coranel... etc... If the OW is in the military I would definatly try to put a stop through the military... see the chaplin...

Third... Honor = Inegrity Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking. Your husband has no honor otherwise he would have done the right thing... If his honor is tainted it's because of HIS choices not yours...