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Hat tip to Pepperband for the reminder of this video. This is an excellent video of a talk given by Dr.Harley. It is a must see for any who are effected by infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"Just compensation" needs it's own thread some day ....
I am re watching this video right now
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That is one of his VERY BEST ARTICLES. It does have a couple of threads but they are old. SO GLAD you are back posting, my good friend, Pepperband! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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excellent refresher. On this viewing I caught something I never have before : The majority of marriages experience infidelity.
Most of these never do recover.
Most people stay married but they never do recover. wow.
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The majority of marriages experience infidelity.
Most of these never do recover.
Most people stay married but they never do recover. Sad but true. And that includes people who come here too. I see lots of people who survive the infidelity but fail to thrive in their marriage. They stay together....but then just limp along with a wounded marriage that's unfulfilling. One of the things that really attracted me to this program was that Dr. Harley had a "plan", because I sure didn't! I think most of us know we want to stay together....but don't know how to build togetherness. Then....even once people know "how"....they still have to apply what they've learned (consistently) or they still don't reach recovery.
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I know that (doh) I am posting half-brained
The MB plans plus the 12 steps (My H's AA program) have saved us from ourselves!
What 'our' recovery would look like had we been left to our own devices --- disaster.
[color:"blue"] aside: I have influenza A ... and I did get the flu shot. I have time to post on MB - but I have found myself forgetting to finish a sentence and other mental lapses.... this illness SUCKS[/color]
Last edited by Pepperband; 01/21/08 11:34 AM.
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True 'fish. Steve H in his summary sums it up well IMO : Can you recover from infidelity without a counsellor ? Its possible, but really hard. Because the only person who can heal you is the one who had the affair In cases where the FWS doesn't take this seriously it takes much longer to recover,if at all in my experience.
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I also noted Dr Bill saying : Your spouse has done the most DISGRACEFUL THING imaginable to you by having an affair Amen doc. I SO hope the London MB weekend planned for June happens.
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I think of our Recovery as being a MIRACLE as he says and it has to do with my H making a commitment, after his withdrawal, to do HIS WORK on EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS.
I have to kick myself for almost being bothered, at times, by his adherence to the PRECAUTIONS.
Also, my H has ended his relationship with his former best friend who did seem to have formed an attachment with me during his absence. My H saw himself in his BF. I didn't sense the beginning of an EA which I have to admit was brewing.
GREAT STUFF!
My H and I are SOOO IN LOVE, NOW...
I'm so THANKFUL for Dr. Harley, Steve and MARRIAGEBUILDERS.
We're gonna have to make time to go for the WEEKEND.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I wonder what the stats are for those spouses who commit to recovery AND seek the guidance of MCs like the Harleys. Is it still that the majority don't recover? I would think that when people faced with As want to recover, they don't know if they are personally capable and, if so, how to go about doing it successfully.
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BUMPING THIS UP FOR SERENITY...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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In my own experience, I was in this mode of "hey, I don't see him or speak to OM anymore, I'm still here with you, I am buying you flowers and saying I'm sorry a thousand times...why can't you just GET OVER IT already!" It is this mindset that most waywards stick with and then cannot understand why they keep spinning their wheels- why they do not reach the level of romantic love and fulfillment of which the Harleys speak. It was my DH's relentless refusal to accept such an obvious half-baked attempt to reconcile or to settle for that kind of M that pushed me onto this site. I knew I was losing him despite my "efforts" to appease him. Thank God for his determination. I wouldn't want to be stuck in that kind of M either!
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WOW...
I've been pretty strong lately, then when Dr H compared the trauma of an A as being greater than a gang rape, I lost it...I truly lost it...
It hurts so much that WSs refuse to see the damage they're doing!!!
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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It does hurt when the WS just does not get it! My H watched this gripping video with me and then snarled, "Well, I guess I'll just have to go to prison for life then. If that's what it takes." He then said he could't believe Harley thinks he's as bad a person as a rapist or child molestor. I tried to explain the point was totally about the hurt/damage caused, but the whole thing was that he just wasn't wanting to be receptive.
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I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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mimi... I just now noticed that this had been bumped for me, awhile back, thank you! I'll view it in a bit... chatting on computer with WH right now.
SerenitySoon
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bump up for any BS wondering if CONTACT is OK
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