<BR>It's been 9 weeks since he confessed (recap..He had 5 affairs in 21/2 years, stopping less than a year ago)He states how deeply sorry he is and is in intense, gut wrenching therapy to figure out why (I'd sure like to know). He is doing all the "right" things like taking full responsibility, etc. They started while I was suffering from a disabling depression. Maybe this is one reason why but he continued with other girls long after I was well. He has no answer for that except that by the time he was into it he was into over his head. He says that the lifestyle was a pattern by then and he didn't really stop suddenly, it was more gradual, although the last girl broke it off with him, he says he didn't start with another like before.<P>Now I am left with how do I go on? I don't know if I could ever take him back, even if he never did this again, the fact that he is capable of this sickens me. He was not the type, he was a Christian who fell away, but he also was someone everyone says, oh my God not him.<P>I haven't read any postings from those in similar situations where the betrayed has the option of making a decision because the betrayer is sorry and wants the marriage. I feel like I'm so alone in this as I see alot of you are struggling with an affair still in progress or one where he has left to be with the OW. <BR> I don't know what to base my decision on, I am so deeply hurt and haven't even begun to get thru that process, I keep thinking how could he have done this to me?? We've been thru so much together and were so compatable. WE were soulmates. I know I need to forgive him but I don't think that means I need to stay married to him. I would never date a man who cheated on his wife, why would I stay married to one? Most of me feels like he blew it, once he did that it was over for me, but I have two kids, money problems and I'm still in school and unable to support the household alone. One reason I would stay would be financial and I think that's not good enough. The only reason right now that I would choose to work on the marriage is I don't want to look back someday and regret my decision. I would have never known if it could have worked. At least if I tried, I could say at least I tried. Does that make sense? And if it does, is that a good enough reason?<P>Also, when I truly examine the reasons to stay, I keep stumbling over the fact that it was 5!!!! and for so long. It's just too much. I can't view it as one event because it wasn't, I can't look at it as a "mistake" because it was a lifestyle. A choice he made over and over again. He even says while he was in it he was racked with guilt and sorrow but he kept doing it. I say, how sorry were you? He did it because he wanted to, plain and simple.<P>Even though at times I could see thru the depression how hard it was for him, I mainly view it as, what kind of man does this to his wife when she is suicidal?? What kind of man can only think of his own pleasure while I was dying inside? What he did was the lowest of the low. How do I get beyond that? I know it's "TIME" but that's something I don't have right now so what do I do.<P>Does anyone have an idea how long this usually takes someone to decide? What is reasonable time frame? We are separated for now but we spend alot of time together talking so it doesn't feel like a separation. Another question that runs through my mind is will I be 100% sure of my decision, how would I know if it was the right one for me. AHHH this is just too much.

crushed, I just wanted to reply and tell you that if you don't know what to do- do nothing. there are no guarentees in life. only if you decide to carry thru and make your marriage better- do it.<BR>My wife is having an affair. I don't know if it is over. We have a 4 yr. old son who wants his daddy to come home. <BR>I aint gonna give you my story....<P>Anyhoo....stay and chat, lots of people where you are at and have gone on, some D some don't. I can't remeber, are you guys in counseling?

I am one of the betrayed who stayed with her H. My H was so totally not the kind of man who would do this. I would have bet anyone ten million dollars that it would never happen...but it did. And with a friend of mine to make it worse. <P>It has been 4 months since discovery (OW's H spilled the beans to me). I was totally devastated. They were together for at least 5 months. I had all the same feelings you are having. I could have taken my H for everything he has. We own our own business and it is very successful. I could have really made him suffer. I told no one about the affair and the desire to do so was/is very strong. <P>I was also down when my H did this horrific thing. I was on experimental medication for a disease I have. I really needed his support then. But he turned to someone who made him feel good and sexy. He screwed up, plain and simple.<P>After the first few days of initial shock, I discovered that I didn't want to lose my H. He never had anything but remorse for what he had done and said he never planned to leave me. So I made up my mind to make this thing work. I have never felt I did anything wrong to make him stray. It was him and he made a very stupid decision for which he still suffers.<P>It takes time. I still have feelings that he and the OW got off scot-free and I am the only one suffering here. I still don't trust him completely. I don't look at him with the respect that I once had for him, but I think and hope all of that returns in the future. I know that I love him. I will not tolerate anymore mistakes of this kind in the future.....I will leave. But for now, we are working on getting past this whole thing. He doesn't like to speak of it anymore, but if I need to, he understands and tries to comfort me.<P>Don't do anything rash....Give it lots of thought. There are those of us out there that are making it work, or trying to and it only gets easier with time. I hope I didn't ramble too badly....

My affair was short lived and ended when I got caught. I have spent the last 6 months doing everything humanly polssible to make it up to my OH. It's hard. A lot of soul search must go on for your H. If he is trying to correct himself then you are on the right track. You are a step ahead of everyone else.<P>This road is going to be hell. I won't kid you about that. We separate about 3 times and I've been to 2 therapists and on meds. Just when I thought that I couldn't take him making me feel like a piece of **** anymore, it would be there. His love that is. You can't deny it. You can try to hide it, but like a fat gut in a tight shirt, it will eventually come out.<P>If I can be of any assistance to you or your H I'd be more than happy to.<P>------------------<BR>What does not kill you will only make you stronger.<BR>

Crushed - it's so hard. I'm sorry. You know, you said you haven't seen many stories where the betrayed have had to decide whether or not they should stay or go. Yeah, we have. A lot of us have decided to give it our best. We've decided to stick it out and don't even know if we'll get as FAR as you have already. Same decision, just a little earlier in the game.<P>You've had a really tough pill to swallow. And after only 9 weeks, you are still hurting and adjusting. Don't decide forever. (Now don't beat me up everybody - give me a minute - you know I believe in marriage). Deciding to stay or not to stay is a MAJOR decision and shouldn't be made when you're hurt, exhausted, depressed (and if you tell me you're not these things, I'd be really surprised.) <P>Decide each morning. Decide each hour. You know that you're disappointed and shocked at his behavior. It's hard to believe that he could have done that to you and to himself. How could he be that kind of man?<P>Take a couple of deep breaths and focus on a positive before you decide to try today. He's taken a huge step - he confessed. He's asked your forgiveness. There's another one. He's facing the scariest thing in the world - looking within himself for problems. What courage that takes! You can dispise what he did - but you've got to appreciate and admire the kind of man it takes to do what he's DOING. Decide to try with the kind of man he's becoming - that's all. One day at a time.<P>Depression is a dangerous and horrible illness. I am so sorry that you suffered from it. The devastation to those who are suffering is unimaginable for most. The devastation to those who love them is as well. Watching serious depression in someone you love is painful, frustrating, maddening. Taking over responsibilities for that person as they work to heal is exhausting, even though you are more than willing to do whatever you can. The emotional toll on your spouse during this time was overwhelming. This does not excuse his behavior. This definitely does not make you to blame for becoming ill. But, like others of us who have lost our spouses (at least temporarily, right guys?) after crises, it does show that emotional exhaustion for a human being does make it much harder to resist outside companionship. I mean hey, needs aren't being met, love bank is being depleted and top all that with worry, feelings of hopelessness and exhaustion, I'm as human as the next gal - Could I stand up to the challenge if the timing was perfect? I've always thought so, but......I don't know anymore.<P>So, enough rambling for me. You have children. You have had love for this man. Let go of the man you thought he was. Let go of the man he behaved like for a while. Learn to know the man he is trying to become, the brave one who has taken on a tremendous challenge. You may discover you love him very much. And memories of the dishonest man will fade in time. And look at yourself as well. What a lot you've been through so far. How wonderful that you are recovering and even considering working on your marriage. Give yourself time to heal. Give him time to become what he really wants to be. Give your marriage time to recover. (I know, I hate it when they tell me "it takes time", too. I hate it worse that they're right!!)<P>You'll be ok, one way or the other. Take all your decisions one day at a time (sometimes one minute at a time!). And we'll be here for you.<P>Lori

I HAD TO DECIDE AND THIS IS TRULY THE HARDEST DECISION I HAVE MADE IN MY LIFE.<BR>You have a long road ahead no matter what you decide, but only you can decide.This is about what is ultimately what is the best choice you can make and if you try to make it work, you will know if there is hope and if you cannot then you will know when you need to go it alone....kind of like Hobson's Choice. I "waited' 6 months for my h to decide whether he wanted me or OW..or many other women and no children at home(lifestyle choices-midlife crisis) but despite him saying he wanted the marriage (in the same way as a kid wants a candy!!!) he offered nothing else in the way of emotional rebuilding...which i was waiting for and needed if we were to rebuild a "new" marriage together. <BR>I therefore decided that it was not about what he wanted, but about what i could live with. I DESPERATELY wanted the marriage to survive, but not at the expense of my own sanity and this is what it came down to.<BR>I had to save myself from a situation that would never have worked as he is at a point in his life where others (kids, underlings and me) have to adore him unilaterally because of his perceived societal position.<BR>You are fortunate that your h is talking to you in a meaningful way...at least there is something to work with...recognize how hard this is for him and this takes courage on both your and his part..this is the most important thing. Take each day at a time, and some will be horrid and some better and hopefully you will make it together.<BR>Whatever you decide is good for you and your family you will know when you can move forward as a couple or alone....as time goes by, the hurt does become less raw and less consuming. ( I sued the a@@@@ for divorce at the end of June and he is fighting all the way in terms of child and spousal support etc. Shows his true new nature)<BR>GOOD LUCK<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Thanks guys for your response, you gave me alot of food for thought.<P>Covenant:I have begun counseling alone and have to switch as the coverage ended, starting again this Tues. AT first I went to get some preventive medicine for depression, I was, am so afraid of a relapse. For now things in that way are good, I have been on meds for a few years with much success, so I feel ok about it. My therapist gave me some hope here as he said I am dealing with this issue head on, and from my past issues, I stuck my head in the sand, which played a part in the depression. Maybe that in itself will keep me well. My H is in therapy with an excellent guy who deals with infidelity as his sub-specialty. He is dead on and makes no excuses for this behavior. His goal is to get you to take responsibility and look at yourself in all your unglory and dwell there until you get it. It's no fun for my H, but it seems to be working. I go weekly but it's not like a couples thing. I basically am just present during the sessions and included alot. It's a unique approach, and I am happy with it.<P>Zombie:You said this happened when you were "down" too, so you know the abandonment you feel. It really is undescribable. I'm sorry we share this in common. You said you decided to stay and seem content in that. I felt the same as you when I realized I could take everything he had and keep him from his kids (which would kill him) to make him suffer. But the truth in that is the kids would suffer the most, and I'm not out for revenge, I'm just so hurt.<P>I'm curious to why you haven't told anyone about the affair. Alot of our family and friends know about this and in some ways it makes it better for me. It's like I can breath around them now, I don't have to be a part of the shame , I did nothing wrong. It also is part of his owning up to what he's done, and seeing that is wasn't just him he was hurting. He has to look at his daughter and know that she knows what he did, that's punishment. He has to face all the people who love me and are very upset with him, that's hard for him but I feel its part of the restoration process. It's good that he's off the pedastal.<P>Tornapart2:I loved your analogy about the fat gut in a tight shirt...yes I do love him and it comes out in many ways, I still talk to him. That's amazing. We still have dinner as a family and he leaves when the kids are in bed. While they are around we function as normal as possible. I am by nature a calm person although I am suprised I am not angrier than I am. Don't get me wrong, it's not a party to be around me now, but I do it as civially as possible. At time I even don't understand how I could be like this. It's a given that I love him but sometimes I thing love isn't enough. I need to feel proud of the person I am with. There is just so much missing now, I truly feel likes its all been ruined.<P>Lostva:I am confused over what you said, what did you mean when you said many have not come as FAR as me..and what did the same decision but earlier in the game mean? Your right about his courage to face his demons, and to admire the kind of man he is for DOING what he's doing. I didn't really see it that way. Thanks for the advice, especially the part about deciding with the man he is trying to become. You seem to know the feeling of dealing with depression, I know it was the most difficult thing for BOTH of us, and I even said after that I didn't know if I could do it if the roles were reversed. (not by being unfaithful, but staying, eduring the endless despair). There are times when I could see my way thru that but what about once I was well. (not that there is a clause about sickness) But what were the needs then? I guess that's for him to figure out. Anyway thanks everyone for your thought provoking posts.

Crushed:<P>Don't try to move mountains right now, you'll only upset yourself more. Try to just take each day as it comes. One step at a time. If you are even slightly religious or more, go back and see God...he helps a lot. There are a number of great books out there. Look for a post from Chris (CA123) he has a link to a listing of great books in his signature. They are all books that people here at MB have read.<P>If you are not currently in therapy, find someone to talk to. You need a separate therapist besides marital counseling. Your husband's therapist might be able to recommend someone.<P>Please try to remember that he know that what he did is wrong. That in itself, is a huge, huge step!<P>Feel free to post any time you have something on your mind.<P>------------------<BR>What does not kill you will only make you stronger.<BR>