Hi everyone, wow, I haven't logged in for almost 6 months! I don't even recognize most of the people on the board now.... Any oldtimers still??


I forgot how to add a link to my thread, but here is my attempt, for those who are not familiar with my story.
My story: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...515#Post3283122

Hey milkshake! How are ya?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm here - in MB years I'm only 22. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey Milkshake! Good to "see" you again!

Hi everyone, great to see you guys again! Everyone seems to be doing just great! I'm doing good too, but I actually got laid off in December so if anything I have been a bit down because of my career situation. It's tough to be a single mother........ Jean, I actually read your Dec 07 post. Any updates since?

Sorry about the job situation Milk, do you have any leads on what your next great opportunity will be?

2008 has been a bit of a bummer so far, but just as I told the kids today, the only thing we can count on is change, so we will just ride out this small slump.

I hope your slump is short lived, also.

Sorry that 2008 has not been too good to you Jean, but hey, it's been only 3 weeks...., your last post in Dec did sound like there was some progress in your relationship. Even if you two do not get back together, having a much more comfortable, respectable and supportive relationship with the father of your kids does make a difference.

I have been stressed out about my job, but compared to what I had to go through over the past several years, this is nothing. Well, it is very important, of course, without my job, I can't even support my son, and I have been pretty 'career-driven' person all this time. But you know what I mean - it's just not even a comparison to my broken marriage. I guess I have gotten stronger through my experience. We all have, right -;)

Good night.

Whether it's good or not, I do not log in to this site that much anymore. A part of me misses it, but I remember when things were very bad, I HAD to check this site almost every second, desperately looking for advice and quick solution, and that was not healthy. I'm glad I can 'survive' without checking this 24/7.

I can't believe you haven't given us an update yet.

SS taps foot.......... waits........
(grins)

SS

BTW, sorry about the job.
I really hope you find something (that fits well) soon.

Especially like to know how your boy is doing in all this.

SS

Hi SS, it's so good to hear from you!

Well, lots of update, but right now my focus is on my career. I sometimes get pretty depressed when I feel that I may not be able to get the kind of work I had before, which paid really well, a great career step-up, and also offered a great flexibility to accommodate my busy single mother schedule. I did have several interviews with several different positions, one of which may makes me an offer, but I will be a LOT busier (I will probably have to put in TWICE as long hours), yet I will get a pay cut. The only good thing is that I will be a manager so it may look good on my resume but I just don't like the long hours (a part of the reason it will be long hours is because I will be a manager I can't leave until all junior people who report to me finish their work and leave...). I don't mind working longer hours, as long as they offer creative ways to accommodate my personal needs, such as blackberry and laptop so that I can work on the train and from home. That is what I did for the past 6-7 years at previous jobs, but this one would not offer me that either for the security reason. How am I going to raise my boy if I come home at 9PM everyday??? I don't want someone else to raise him, he is my boy.....

So I am kind of depressed when I think about it lately...., but we are doing fine, otherwise.

Yesterday I took him to skiing. Two years ago I took my DS to skiing for the first time, he was only three at that time, but I also started skiing when I was three, and I wanted him to have same opportunities as I had been given when I was growing up. He learned how to ski two years ago, but of course he did not even remember that he had gone skiing. This time I put him in a two-hour class and he became quite good. We even took the big lift all the way up, but then he hurt his knee and I had to ski with him (he was skiing in between my skies). It was a lot of fun though.

How is everything with you SS?

Milk

Hi SS, it's so good to hear from you!

You too!

I really had been wondering.

Well, lots of update, but right now my focus is on my career. I sometimes get pretty depressed when I feel that I may not be able to get the kind of work I had before, which paid really well, a great career step-up, and also offered a great flexibility to accommodate my busy single mother schedule.

It's tough to change. I did it early on, and it has been good for me, but the first few years were really hard. I don't think you ought to take those kind of hours though. Instead, you should pray for help, and look for something more family friendly. I know God wants your son to have time with you. I know he will help if you will do your part (ask.)


I did have several interviews with several different positions, one of which may makes me an offer, but I will be a LOT busier (I will probably have to put in TWICE as long hours), yet I will get a pay cut.

We all know that sometimes we have to sacrifice, but this seems like the wrong kind of sacrifice. I don't know what you do, so I have a hard time brainstorming for you, but God does a better job anyway. I still say prayer will get you a long ways.

The only good thing is that I will be a manager so it may look good on my resume but I just don't like the long hours (a part of the reason it will be long hours is because I will be a manager I can't leave until all junior people who report to me finish their work and leave...).

No assistant managers?
(I keep thinking about the "double hours, and a cut in pay" and I am having a hard time with it. Of course, it's not my life, but.............
(SS looks worried)

I don't mind working longer hours, as long as they offer creative ways to accommodate my personal needs, such as blackberry and laptop so that I can work on the train and from home. That is what I did for the past 6-7 years at previous jobs, but this one would not offer me that either for the security reason.

It's plain for those who know your history, that you have always been a hard worker. I wish it was enough, but it doesn't look like it this time.

How am I going to raise my boy if I come home at 9PM everyday??? I don't want someone else to raise him, he is my boy.....

You are correct. I think he has faith in you too. He trusts you to make it work. I believe his trust is well placed.

So I am kind of depressed when I think about it lately...., but we are doing fine, otherwise.

Believe in yourself. Believe that God will help you reach the worthy goal of having time to raise your son.

Yesterday I took him to skiing. Two years ago I took my DS to skiing for the first time, he was only three at that time, but I also started skiing when I was three, and I wanted him to have same opportunities as I had been given when I was growing up. He learned how to ski two years ago, but of course he did not even remember that he had gone skiing. This time I put him in a two-hour class and he became quite good. We even took the big lift all the way up, but then he hurt his knee and I had to ski with him (he was skiing in between my skies). It was a lot of fun though.

Family time is where it's at. It sounds wonderful.
It's hard to believe he's that old. Five now?
Good for you. You both have come a long way.

I noticed you left out any comment about your X. You really have come a long way. I learn a lot from what you say, and also from what you don't say. That omission contains a lot of information.(and it's good, not bad)

I could say more about other topics, and what else I have learned, but.......... probably best to leave some things alone. Just remember that many of us care about how you are doing, and we want the best for you. If we didn't care, we wouldn't worry.


How is everything with you SS?
Ah - "everything" is so large a subject. Perhaps we can touch on just a few things. <grin>

My W and I are still in love. MB has been good for us, and it works. This march will be 31 years for us. I thank God daily for her, and she knows it.

None of our children are in jail, or in the hospital. Not that the are inclined to be in jail, but hey, we have to look for the good, and that's a good thing. <another grin>

5 of our children are married, three are at home. We gather as a family often, and we get along well. I think my W gets credit for that, she....... well, you would have to meet her, but she is truly the better half.

Work is sometimes good, sometimes bad, but I'm still employed. As long as my W doesn't fire me, I'll probably stay working at the same place.

Give that boy a hug for the rest of us who love children. Take good care of him. Come around more often, and tell us how it goes. We care.

SS

Thanks SS for your reply...., yes my little boy is doing great, and every day I am very thankful that I have this beautiful son. I didn't know you have 5 children! I have only one and feel that my life can be upside down when he becomes out of control when he is tired...., I am trying to ween him out of napping and he can get rea-lly cranky in the evening when he didn't nap.

I know I haven't really updated you on my personal life....., as you pointed out, that might be a good thing. I don't dwell on it too much any more. I just want to say one thing, though, for those who are reading this......, I now am very convinced that MOST of WS will eventually realize what they did and lost because of their actions/choices...., and will have deep regret.

Mine apparently has been telling his father that now he realized that the 'grass was NOT greener on the other side', he has told his cousin that he had the most beautiful woman he had ever met as a wife and he would never find anyone like me, etc. He does not tell these things to his mother or siblings, because he knows they would tell me about that (I am still very close to his family, I might talk to them more often than him). Right after he left, I was begging him to call at least to talk to DS, and that was a BIG DEAL for him. He could not even call him on a regular basis, because it was all about HIM, not his son. Now he calls vertually every day.

So, if you are one of the new comers and feel that your life is over, I just want to remind you that it is NOT. Based on my experience as well as things I have actually seen and heard, most of those foggy spouces will eventually realize there is no such thing as a fantasy world or fantasy woman/man out there.

The new week began, my job search began again....., if I do not find anything other than the manager position I mentioned, I would have to take it and will keep looking elsewhere to see if I can find something that is more accomodating in terms of having family time.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend!

Milk

Thanks SS for your reply...., yes my little boy is doing great, and every day I am very thankful that I have this beautiful son.

Sometimes I think Children are the greatest gift we get from God. They are a wonderful blessing.


I am trying to ween him out of napping and he can get rea-lly cranky in the evening when he didn't nap.

That made me laugh. I am remembering. Each stage they go through is a learning experience. Stressful sometimes, but in a healthy way I think. We learn so much about them, and about ourselves.


Mine apparently has been telling his father that now he realized that the 'grass was NOT greener on the other side', he has told his cousin that he had the most beautiful woman he had ever met as a wife and he would never find anyone like me, etc.

It is so sad that they don't figure it out BEFORE they tear their families world apart.




The new week began, my job search began again....., if I do not find anything other than the manager position I mentioned, I would have to take it and will keep looking elsewhere to see if I can find something that is more accomodating in terms of having family time.


I hope you are able to find something that is family friendly, and that will pay enough.

God bless you.

SS

Thanks SS. You are such a great listener <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I had a lunch with my GF (and with my DS, of course). She is just amazing. She is so smart, loving, funny, full of knowledge, easy going, great with kids, very kind and thoughtful, sweet, honest, open to new things, hard working....., the list going on.

Everytime we get together I get very inspired by her. I hope I will someday get even just an ounce of her energy and strength.

Milk

OK, right after I talked about my GF's high spirits, here I am......, I am pretty depressed about my career prospects. Things are not going well in the financial industry in general, which is impacting my job hunting a lot.....

I know these things are out of my control and I should focus on things I can control. It's just sometimes hard to maintain positive attitude.

Milk

It is natural to be affected by something this big in your life. We can talk about thinking positive all we want, but until you get another job, you will probably be on the "what's going to happen to us" roller coaster.

I have been on it from time to time myself, and it is very difficult - though you have already been through worse and survived.

What do you do to get yourself back "up" when you are depressed? And I don't mean depressed as in clinical depression, I mean depressed as part of the natural cycle of life. What things usually work for you?

SS

Hi SS, thanks for checking in.

You know, when I am spending time with DS, I just get happy - he goes to Christian school and these days he prays for me every day. He would say "Please God, I wish Mama gets a job, Amen". It's just so cute to hear him pray. He also prays "Please God, I want Mama to live forever. I want to live forever and I want my dog to live forever too, so we all can stay together forever". When I see him like that, of course my little troubles and depression just fly out of the window. I get reminded how lucky I am to be a mother. And I tell DS all the time that I am the luckiest mother because I have him. So now he tells me that he is the luckiest kid because he has me as a mother. I know you understand SS, because you have kids too - they are amazing, aren't they?

I was a little down today as well, but just got off the phone with my old boss who was also laid off at the same time. He is such a wonderful man. He always has very positive attitude and he is one of the most honest people I have ever met. I feel very blessed to have had him as my boss. So we were talking and he said that he would be working to get me hooked up with his network so that I might be able to get an interview. It's not his fault that I got laid off (he lost his job too!), yet he has been SO nice, supportive and helpful. He has never been depressed and been very cheerful. When he senses that I am down, he would say "Milk, stay positive. Things will work out and you will be happier".

I feel so much 'lighter' and less depressed. I need to focus on what I have - my son, most importantly, but also all of my other family members and friends who support me..... I am very grateful, and things could have been a lot worse. I am lucky that I can be depressed about my 'job'. Because you are right SS, when you go through marital problems, the pains and suffering you go through cannot be compared to those related to your job. So I thank God for that.

To finish off my 'high' spirit night (DS was picked up by his father and I am alone tonight), I am going to take a nice hot bath and read!!! Yes, something so hard to do when I have my son around!

I hope you had a nice evening too SS. I have a question SS - you seem always so calm and wise. Do you ever get depressed and hopeless? What do you do when that happen?

Milk

I really enjoyed reading this part -


You know, when I am spending time with DS, I just get happy - he goes to Christian school and these days he prays for me every day. He would say "Please God, I wish Mama gets a job, Amen". It's just so cute to hear him pray. He also prays "Please God, I want Mama to live forever. I want to live forever and I want my dog to live forever too, so we all can stay together forever". When I see him like that, of course my little troubles and depression just fly out of the window.

Children are a great blessing. We are at the stage where we have grandchildren now, and we really enjoy it. Of course, we still have the twins (girls, 14) at home, and that is good too. I am sure I will miss it when they are grown up, and on their own. I am glad your son has a strong faith too............. I know it is important, and I know it helps. I am thankful he has a mother who teaches him these things.


I was a little down today as well, but just got off the phone with my old boss who was also laid off at the same time. He is such a wonderful man. He always has very positive attitude and he is one of the most honest people I have ever met. I feel very blessed to have had him as my boss. So we were talking and he said that he would be working to get me hooked up with his network so that I might be able to get an interview. It's not his fault that I got laid off (he lost his job too!), yet he has been SO nice, supportive and helpful. He has never been depressed and been very cheerful. When he senses that I am down, he would say "Milk, stay positive. Things will work out and you will be happier".

As you already know, bad things can and do happen to good people. Our happiness lies in getting through them correctly, with grace and integrity, not in avoiding them. I think it is impossible to avoid them in this mortal life, though some keep trying. (LOL) Your former boss is correct, things will work out, if you keep a good attitude, and keep trying. Do your best, and with God's help, it will be good enough.

I feel so much 'lighter' and less depressed. I need to focus on what I have - my son, most importantly, but also all of my other family members and friends who support me..... I am very grateful, and things could have been a lot worse. I am lucky that I can be depressed about my 'job'. Because you are right SS, when you go through marital problems, the pains and suffering you go through cannot be compared to those related to your job. So I thank God for that.

As I said, it WILL affect you, but you have to catch yourself, and get out of the depression when it comes. Sometimes it's hard to realize, and be proactive in getting out of it. Some people tend to wallow in it, but I don't see you in that group, it just doesn't seem like you. Focusing on others helps (your son, and others who need help, and comfort.) Doing something every day as far as job hunting will help too. You won't feel so low if you are actively doing something daily.

To finish off my 'high' spirit night (DS was picked up by his father and I am alone tonight), I am going to take a nice hot bath and read!!! Yes, something so hard to do when I have my son around!

It's good to take time to recharge one's emotional and spiritual batteries. All of us need it, and all of us ought to take it, though it can be abused like everything else Your WH is probably an example of that. It looks like it was all "ME" with him the last little while. I hope you are doing better today.

I hope you had a nice evening too SS. I have a question SS - you seem always so calm and wise. Do you ever get depressed and hopeless? What do you do when that happen?

I am no different from everyone else........... I have my bad days, and my good ones. The trick is to turn the bad ones into good ones. There is no reason to continue to have a bad day when really it depends on attitude, not on circumstances. (Or mostly so)

I pray more when I feel hopeless. When I don't feel like praying, I get down on my knees, and I pray until I do. There really is someone there, and I know it.
Being able to pray, and getting that comforting feeling makes all the difference. It doesn't mean that anything around me has changed, but it gives me the strength to continue to face the problems of the day (or week, or month.) I have been through the change of career, and it was tough. I may have to do it again, though I am not looking forward to it. I will probably know by the end of this year.

The scriptures are full of promises about getting help when we ask in faith. I think that most of us believe that, but we have a hard time with the faith part. God will even increase our faith if we ask for that. I am regularly amazed by the help that is given............ but then, we call him "Father" and we know how much a parent can love a child, don't we.

The other thing I have learned, is that when you feel you can't do something, you will never get in the mood for it by doing something else. You need to start doing it, and by struggling against the doubt, the fear, and the depression, you are able to cast them off, and make headway. I can't tell you how many times this has worked for me. When I am sure that it won't work, and I can't gather the strength to believe in myself, I just start the needed task anyway, and I keep working on it. Help always comes, and the doubts are cast off, and God and I seem to make a success out of what looked like sure failure.

When you doubt, try anyway.
It works wonders for our ability to move forward in life.

I was very happy that you put so much effort into trying to save your marriage. Some people ask "what if I try and it doesn't' work?" Perhaps an even more important question is "what if you don't try?"
I think you learned much valuable information about people, marriage, and how to do better in relationships. Even more valuable is what you learned about yourself. You can use your strengths to help you succeed, and you can work on your weaknesses, so they don't limit you in the future.

The last suggestion -
I live in an area that is still partly rural. We have a garden at home, and I find that going out and working in the garden is very good for me. It gives me valuable time to think, but I am exercising, and accomplishing something useful to the family at the same time. Friends say that running or walking does the same for them. It seems to me that we are sometimes too busy for our own good, and we don't take the time to think, and meditate on our lives. I am glad you got some time last night to do that. I encourage time to think, without the TV on, or other people around.

I don't mean we should ignore our spouses, or our children, that is not healthy either. I do mean that we need to find a way to heal our emotional selves, and our spiritual selves, or we can't give the other important things the proper care and attention that they also need.

It does help to have a partner to go through life with too. I don't know where you are with that, but it (my marriage)is a great strength to me. I am sorry for your bad experiences there, I hope your dreams come true in this, and that your future will be all that you want it to be.

SS

Hi SS!

Your posts always touch me and give me so much comfort and strength; you probably don't even realize how much you 'help' you offer just by talking to people.....

It always makes me happy to hear how your marriage has gotten stronger and you and your wife are still in madly in love, if not more.... Please keep telling us your REAL happy stories.....

Yes I had bad experiences in my marriage arena......, but looking back, throughout my life, I had always been supported by so many people around me and WH was one of them too. It's not all bad. I think he is getting better, even his mother said something like that the other day. It's too bad that the damage has already done, but still it makes a HUGE difference if he at least gets closer to who he was 15 years ago..., he is not there yet, but now I see some warm lights in his eyes and kindness in his voice. He was not really communicating with his own family either but recently he seems to be talking more to them.

I don't know if he still smokes marijuana or has the sex addiction related problems - he claims he does not smoke anymore but he always told me that even when he was smoking everyday - but I think he is at least doing less because his eyes are not like those of dead fish anymore. Which is good.

I like the part where you said 'even when you do not feel that you have the strength you try anyway and in the end you can make a success out of what you believed to be a sure failure' That is SO TRUE!

Life is all about perception....., there are plenty of people who have money, power, fame, beauty, health, family, friends, yet they are not happy. On the other hand there are plenty of people who struggle financially, can't have kids, have illness in the family, lost loved ones, etc...., yet they are positive and happy. I read a book about this man who was born without legs and arms. Yes he is ALWAYS smiling and even did all sorts of sports while in school. And he married to a healthy young lady. He said in his book "handicap can be a source of 'inconvenience' but definitely does not cause 'unhappiness'". Wow, it was so powerful! Yes, he cannot go up the stairs by himself so it can be inconvenient, but it does not make him unhappy.....

By keep trying, the problems (= inconvenience) themselves may not go away but we won't feel unhappy anymore, which is the most important thing, since no one has perfect life.

Good night!

Milk