My husband is deployed (15 months) and it is coming to an end in less than 6 months. Starting last month he has been chatting with a woman online. Well now it has gone from let's chat and see where it goes to hey when I come home let's get together and have sex. I have read the emails, so I know what he is planning on doing. He even told OW that he has already set the ground work by telling me he wants time to be by himself sometimes. He is talking about us having another baby when he comes home and buying a house. He has made it clear to OW that I can not ever find out. So I need to know -- Do I confront him or wait and see if he goes through with this first then confront him?? He does not know that I know all that i do.

How much more time do you have before the planned event?

Find out as much as you can about the woman in question. Is she M'd, for example? Then, expose at the last moment. Expose their plans to the OWH, if she IS M'd. If you expose too early, it's likely that he'll just find a way to continue contact with her while trying to make you believe that he's ended all contact.

And of course all plans about buying a new house together and having another baby together should definitely be put on hold until you believe you can trust him again.

Good morning C&D

Sorry to see you here, but you've done the right thing by coming here as you will get allot of help. I am fairly new to this myself so I will let the veterans here get more specific, but there are a couple of things I will point out and suggest.

The fact that it has not become physical does not mean he is not having an affair... he is!

First thing you want to do is gather all your evidence. (Yes you'll want to confront him before it become physical)

Next read... read all you can here about infidelity, start with the basic concepts then got to the Q&A section and read all you can there.

How much do you know about the OW? Gather as much information you can on her. Part of the MB concepts is that you want to do all you can to stop the affair. This will mean exposing it to her, family, friends, Work (Military, especially is she is in the military as well).


Some more experienced folk will come along to help you out as well, but this is a start. You should also consider buying surviving an Affair, it's a great book and will give you some good insight on how these things start.

A couple of note about the board...
-Don't change threads, as it makes it hard to follow your progress.
-Ask allot of questions as it keeps your thread current where more people are likely to see it.
-If you go back to this original post of yours and click edit you'll be able to change the title of your thread as things progress.

You have joined a community where we have all experienced the devastation of affairs (Form both sides) and we understand where you are coming from, so feel safe here.

(((((((C&D)))))))) This means hugs.

This is a tough situation, but if it were me, I would confront him sooner rather than later. If this goes much further, they will get closer and closer while you get more and more detached. The problem with all this is that you won't really know if he stops and may drive him further underground.

On the other hand, you might be able to stop it now and do your best to repair what you can in the marriage. Apparently, she is meeting some need of his, so I would find out what it is, and fix the problem. This is all extremely difficult given that you are seperated, but that is the way I would approach it.

If you do confront him, I would absolutely do it without lovebusters, lest you push him further away.

How close does the OW live to you?

Take a copy of some of those emails, and start working your way up the chain of command until you get someone who will yelp you. As a whole, the military takes a dim view of adultery, and will be a very helpful ally to you.

If the first person doesn't help you, whip out your little notebook and ask for their name and info, and the name of their commanding officer. You won't have to go far before getting results.

And if it is possible to confront your WH without letting him know directly how you have the information, that would be better. But even if he does find out, better to confront than not to confront.

And if it is possible to do so, print out all your proof now in case he tries to delete it.

confused,

I wrote this when you had no replies.....but I forget to hit the send on the second window....ack!

Anyway.....it's really similar to Melodies....even so...it's usually comforting to see many people giving similar advice.

I hate to distract a soldier, but I think 6 months is way too long to wait for confrontation. During that time....alot more can happen with this woman. As strange as it seems....people fall in love over the Internet all the time....so please confront before the emotional end of the affair gets even deeper and more entrenched than it already is. The one thing that worries me is that because you two aren't together.....he could easily create a new email account you don't know about and continue the affair. But you can't control that. I think you need to confront him because many affairs do end at d-day and if you can resist the temptation to love bust....maybe he will end it.

Do you get to talk to him by phone? Do you have the OW's email address? Can you find out anything about her....for instance is she married?

This must be so hard....so sorry.

editted to add: Has your H been honest to this girl about you? about wanting a baby, etc? I'd look for places he's lied to her in his emails....and consider exposing his lies to the OW.

CD

I also think that you shouldn't wait six months, but I would wait a bit longer to see if you can get info on the OW.

Some A's die on Dday, but more don't. Being that he is away from you and there is no accountability, he could very easily create another email. You'd never know.

When you do confront, do it calmly. LBs are not a good thing at this point. Work a Plan A when you can.

You'll probably get the line "we're just friends". He may try to convince you of that. So have your proof ready. Hard copies.

Personally, I'd start putting away just a bit of money to have ready if you need to hire a PI when he gets back. If he hasn't come clean and he's still denying, expect that a rendez vous is still in the works.

Keep snooping.

I'm sorry you are in the predicament. Try to take care of yourself. This is going to get very difficult.