So it's been almost 2 years since d-day (March 05). I am the FWW, long distance EA, lasted about 6 weeks, never met the "man," NC since then...I'm STILL struggling with BH.

Now it's that I owe him SF no matter what he does since I had phone sex with the OM. He can be mean and a jerk, and I still "owe" him.

I have a problem with this.

I absolutely owe him fidelity, loyalty, love, compassion. But OWE him SF? And why if what I did was wrong, which we know it was, would he want the same thing? Of course he wants SF, but to PUNISH me with it? Does this sound reasonable? NONE of my EN's are being met, and at 2 years past d-day am I unreasonable to expect a little bit by now? SF is NOT "for" me, if you get my drift. I am just a means to an end.

Did I mention I am about 19 weeks pregnant?

Now he is sleeping on the floor in dd's room because his interactions with me are unpleasant, according to him. WE will just "co-parent" until he feels I am more pleasant. Of course, the other day about the second thing he says to me is "f-you." ANd when he comes in the door I just cringe because I know he will be an a-hole in some way. He never yells, but you dont' have to yell to be an a-hole.

WHo wants to have sex with someone who just thinks it's OWED him.

Oh, also, he pretty much refuses to even start anything until 11 PM or later, and I get up usually at 5:30 to get older DS somewhere. I am hoping to get a new job that will start around 8AM and I will have to leave a little after 7. So of course, he's just trying to prove a point- "you must have sf with me when I want, too bad what you want." I tried to point out the time thing to him, he just does not care.

Now, I have had LOTS of AO's and LB's which I know need to stop, but it seems like I feel like I have to convince him he is wrong and to see things my way, which he probably never will.

I feel like I just want to have him out of my life, that this just isn't' worth it. I have absolutely no desire to make wrong choices again, or to do what I did 2 years ago, but I sure don't want this.

HTH

Not a lot of people, I'd guess.

But YOU don't and that is what matters here.

It isn't WHAT he wants that is the issue. It is the way he is going about trying to get it.

Returning lovebuster for lovebuster will not resolve this issue.

I'm gathering that he is frustrated that his need for SF is not being met and he feels frustrated and angry.



The solution lies in the question...what would it take for you to be enthusiastic about meeting his need for SF?

I have repeatedly told him what I want in SF. He is unwilling at this point. I told him the other day that it didn't have to always be "for" me too, but that if he started something he should finish it. He said, "well, I don't remember what it takes." So I told him. Still nothing.

All he does is get "ready," lie on the bed and say, "entertain me." If it's not what he wants (and of course he won't tell me, I should just know), he stops and gets mad at me and says forget it.

It just sucks.

I can imagine that it does suck.



Did he say why?

SF would probably be more 'for' you if it was approached in a way that was pleasing to you AND him.

Can you discuss this with him, in a way that conveys that you want for his happiness in this area, but will not submit to DEMANDS? This is a HUGE lovebuster. Now, you lovebusting back is not going to solve anything.

Has your BH always been know to withdraw when he is rejected or not given what he wants?

I feel the pain in your post.

IT seems that what we want is mutually exclusive. At least right now. He basically wants what I call "operating room sex," ie, bright lights all on. Also, right now foreplay includes smoking pot for him. He wants to make out while doing that but it repulses me SO MUCH, also, being pregnant and having 3!! other children in the house, I make him do it in the bathroom. He says he'll stop when he runs out- only ever does it with SF, he says it stops him from thinking about "what I did." He SAYS he found it at our old apartment building, and he smokes very little at a time 5-6 puffs. BUt it literally makes me SICK. I have NEVER been around drugs- not in high school, not in college. How nice that he has brought this into my life.

I'm not looking for what he calls "Laura Ashley sex," with no lights on, etc. But I'm tired tired tired of what I'm getting. It makes me hate having sex. I'm tired of planned out, "what are you going to do for me" sex. I"m tired of being put on the spot,and if I don't "perform" to expectations he gets mad.

I would rather be on my own with 4 children than deal with this crap.

I have told him without LB's what I want. He does not care. I "owe" him what he wants, for the rest of our lives according to him.

He does not withdraw, he gives payback.

Maybe I should just get out.

HTH

Personally, I would immediately set a boundary regarding drug use, particularly given that there are children in the home...that boundary being that I will not live with you until the drug use stops and possibly I would include counseling or attending a 12-step program if you believe that he is an addict.

As far as the SF issue goes, if you continue having SF while it makes you feel sick, it's highly possible that it will further increase your aversion to SF. However, if you choose to continue reconciliation, that is only a SHORT TERM solution.

The long-term solution would be to resolve the issue in a way that satisfies you both - negotiating the way you have SF that includes things you BOTH enjoy and are willing to participate in and excluding ALL things that one or both of you do not enjoy.

He's not an addict- I know he will stop when he runs out. I can't move out without ruining both of us financially. He agrees that the pot is wrong, but too bad for me. It's my fault.

He absolutely will not exclude things that I do not enjoy. SOme but not all. ANd I"m pretty open when it's with him. He will do the things I enjoy- eventually. Honestly, he's at least starting some things when I ask, where before he wouldn't even start. Now he just won't finish, which is probably more frustrating.

He does not negotiate. I owe him.

You might ask him why he thinks you had an affair in the first place.

What he is doing is punishing you. It simply is not acceptable. It is not his right, nor is it, if he thought about it, in his best interests, to do so. It is certainly true that you have a great responsibility to help him heal from the damage of your A. However, that does not mean you should degrade yourself for him. It doesn't give him the right to DEMAND SF. You need to be providing accountabily, openness and honesty, and a willingness to work on the marriage and meet his needs, but it is NOT a one way street.

In giving in to his demands for SF, you have established a pattern that reinforces his behavior. It probably also, btw, greatly lessens his respect for you.

Your refusal to establish and maintain your boundaries is causing you to build up a huge amount of resentment. So much so that you are considering leaving the M because of it. Since that is the case, why not change the pattern? Refuse him sex if he's been smoking if it bothers you. Simply tell him you don't enjoy sex with him while he's stoned. If he says he needs it to perform, explain to him that you don't mind if he doesn't perform, and that him turning you off right before he wants you be turned on is a form of stupidity rarely witnessed in the animal kingdom. When he hops into bed expecting you to perform, politely decline. Tell him that's not the way you like it and he needs to find a new approach.

If he sulks, let him sulk, for days and days if necessary. You need to break this cycle, and you need to be willing to hold your ground to do so.

He is free to believe what he wants. You obviously don't have to agree, nor do you have to try to convince him to change his viewpoint.



You and I both know that you don't "owe" him.

What would happen if...

you told him in a loving manner that you understand his frustration and that you want him to be happy, but that if his happiness comes at your expense, your marriage will suffer for it long-term. And that if your marriage suffers, you both suffer.

And that when he wants something from you, his best chance of getting it is to use a thoughtful request. When he uses selfish demands, you don't feel very loving or giving.

dear howto

how horrible....

you are living in an abusive relationship....

can you move in with family...parents...siblings...

can you get to a shelter to get information...education...a financial plan....

his use of sex as a weapon and punishment is abuse....

It has to stop...and you are at most vulnerable being pregnant and it is very serious that you seek a plan of protection....

has there been any physical altercations
what happens if you do refuse...

you need support and to get educated....

quit powerstrugling quit argueing...

do the children witness him speaking to you thusly

NO BODY deserves to be treated the way he is treating you..

can you leave

can you get the education, resources and plan you will need to TERMINATE this as soon as you can.....

blessings to you

ARK