I was reading in a book the other day about "Exit Affairs". I think the book is called "Infidelity...A Survival Guide" if I remember correctly.

It appears that this is where I find myself. My WW has insisted over and over that she had already decided that our M was over and that she "flat out didn't love me" and continues to insist that her A has nothing to do with our M or our problems, etc. Obviously, that is a lot of fog talking, but this is also my WW's pattern.

Every halfway meaningful relationship she's been in, whether 1st marriage or serious boyfriends, she's "made up her mind" that she's done, then immediately jumped into a relationship with someone else. It seems to fit the "exit affair" profile perfectly. Even her sister (who is her closest friend in the world) tells me that once WW makes up her mind like this, there is nobody that's going to change it....not even her. She said she's seen this cycle before unfortunately. Clearly, WW has some personal issues to be dealt with (mainly stemming from no father figure).

The disconcerning thing is that the book didn't really say much about how an "exit affair" (which I assume is the worst kind b/c it was the last one listed at the end of the chapter) compares to other affairs and/or what the prognosis is for recovery.

I sure feel like I'm hopeless against it right now, that's for sure. W is positive that we are done and that her life is with OM.....period. Doesn't seem like anyone's going to change her mind right now. She no longer denies the A, talks openly about it to friends, family, and coworkers, and just acts like that is her new life and it's acceptible. She's actually trying to spread the word to everyone she knows that this is her new life and her new man, and that our M is really over. It seems hard to combat that!

So, just curious if anyone has experienced this type of situation or if anyone knows about this "exit affair" scenario????

Thanks
ILA

I think that's what my WW wife's pattern is...I've heard of if before...I think I saw a description of the different kinds of affairs in SAA...

I think the BEST BOOK for you to read and to use as your GUIDE BOOK is SURVIVING AN AFFAIR.

The MBer's approach is PRACTICAL without much analysis of the WHYs.

I was thinking that my H's affair was an EXIT AFFAIR, too. I guess you could consider ANY AFFAIR to be an EXIT AFFAIR. Your WS is no longer in love with you and in love with another person. Period. YUCK, I know...but the GOOD NEWS is that your WH can fall in love with you again..even though he/she feels that they are gone for good.

It's important NOT to LISTEN to her.

Move forward with PLAN A then PLAN B..if YOU chose on working on reconciling.

To me, she sounds like a GARDEN-VARIETY WS..no different than most waywards...

Is she a "garden variety" WW or a serial WW? I'm asking from a different perspective as ILA's description of his WW could be my WSTBX's OW. At least this is how OWH describes her. He says that she is very insecure and won't leave a relationship until she has already established another one first. He says that has been her history and that she even started going out with him while she had another BF. The only additional thing is that she had an A with someone else before my WSTBX. But again, that would fall under serial adultery.

Thanks Mimi......just wondering if anyone say any differences in severity or complete disregard from their WW like I have been! SAA is my bible, but I've looked at some others too for ideas.

Just doesn't seem like the A will EVER END!!!! UGGGGHHHH!

TIME AND PATIENCE..

ILA, hugs to you brother, it is incredible what some people do to others "just because they want to."

I don't know if I qualify to answer your question, but my wife was in a 6 year long affair, had her own secret apartment, had accepted a proposal of marriage from her OM, and was close to leaving and filing divorce papers when I found out about her affair. I call it a "Class II involved affair," but it could be called a "Exit Affair" too since it was based on her feeling "not loved" and her feeling that the OM was meeting her perceived needs better and she was "in loooove".




Is that anything like she tried to convince them all when she married you that she loved you, you were her "new man," and that your marriage would be "for life?"

Or is she simply trolling for support of a decidely selfish and poor choice?

How do you "combat it?" Start with Exposure. Tell them the FACTS. But don't think that's the "magic bullet" that will end the affair and bring her back. She sounds very self-centered and a "user" of people.

So you will have to decide if you want to "Fight" or if you are better off "letting her go."

If you want to know that you "did all that you could to save the marriage," then you can begin (if you have not already done so) to start Plan A efforts and Exposure efforts, knowing that you are in a "war" that you MAY lose, but that you will not "Go down without a fight."

Why did her 1st marriage fail? There may be some "clues" or information in there for you to also consider as you decide what to do.

God bless.

I say exit affair/serial adultress because this is my wifes pattern... I believe she's done this to every man that she's had a significant relationship with... First husband, her daughters father(They weren't married but together 7 years) and me...

Seems I started some confusion with this new thread.....my main thread is "Yesterday D-Day...HELP". I started this just to get some separate discussion about the Exit Affair scenario.

If you want my whole story and current status, it's better served on that thread.

Amazing.....sounds like we are with the same person! Let's keep in touch!

I have exposed as much as I can (although exposure to workplace could have been more forceful I realize now). I'm trying to start a good plan A after spending the first 2 weeks doing way too much battling and R&A talks.....trying to reason with WW (found out that doesn't work so well!!). It's hard though b/c WW is constantly p.o.'d about who I'm exposing to so it doesn't seem like my plan A is getting off the ground!

As mentioned, my main story is on the other tread.

Thanks everyone!

If anyone has anymore thoughts about the exit affair scenario though, that would be interesting.

ILA

I think this was Mimi's point to a TEE. They (your WW's) are, generally, not special or unique; they read from the same WAYWARD SCRIPT.

Yeah, I hear you Silentlucidity.......I think we just have some 'serial' cheaters on our hands is all. I think that might be at least a 'little' unique......or maybe not, I don't know! I know my WW in particular needs some serious counseling to break this cycle she's lived in....even SHE admits to that much!

I've seen this discussion a few times on the boards since I've been here (only since August).. and each time the real answer seems to be.. it doesn't matter.

I'm told the same things about my WW by FIL and SIL.. she's stubborn, once she makes up her mind blah blah blah..

She's told everyone that it was 'over between James and I' before she took up with Wonderscumbag..

It's fogtalk.. it's rationalization.. it's revisionist RECENT history.. blah.. it's a garden variety A.. fight it with the same weapons you'd fight any other A with.

Awesome, Jamesus....good to hear that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey man.. I call it as I see it.

A week before she moves out it's our anniversary and I get a card that says she'd marry me all over again, and how I'm her partner and best friend.. she made sure to call and nudge FIL and SIL to remind them it was our anniversary coming up... now granted.. I screwed the pooch on her anniversary gift.. but it wasn't 'over between us' the week before she moved out.. much less having been over for 'a long time'

It's bovine droppings.. buffalo chips... wooden nickels... buy none of it.

Funny you should say that..... I hear that b/c we were a few minutes late to her Birthday dinner w/ friends (apparently b/c I had to watch the end of a ballgame), that THAT was the final straw....back in Sept.

Yet 2 weeks before I heard ANYTHING about problems (12/10), we were not "actively" preventing getting pregnant for the first time and had even taken a trip to No.Cali to look at buying a cabin to 'get away to'(all her idea). Yeah the "haven't loved you for a long time" thing drives me batty!!! I asked her about this and she claimed she was "trying not to give up yet" !!! Ugh.

You can add me to the list of people who spouses claim they were leaving anyway. My H said he had planned to leave me when I finished school. He said he had these thoughts before the affair ever started. He did not fill me in on these thoughts though.

Also he was, hopefully not anymore, a serial cheater. I found out since all of this started that he cheated on every girl friend he ever had.

Sounds like a pattern maybe.

Well, my FWW didn't say that she was leaving, but she did claim that the M was over before she got involved with the OM, etc. (funny, but I never got a copy of the D papers...!).

After the fog had cleared a bit, she admitted that she actually thought things were getting better in our M before starting her A, and that she had no intentions of leaving the M.

She really wants to forget what she's said and done during her WS-mode as quickly as possible.

I like hearing all of this (well, I don't LIKE it obviously but you know what I mean).....just helps reinforce the idea of GARDEN VARIETY A's!!!

I guess my fear is that my WW has done this her whole life and gotten away with it everytime....she always breaks up with them, never the other way around....and they've gotten fed up and let her walk away. She's never had a man stand up and fight for her, so I can only hope that she will come to appreciate that and change her set ways. If she doesn't then she will be doomed to repeat this over and over until she ends up alone in life.

Wow.. I got the 'Well.. I was just trying to 'fake it till you make it'.'

My response: Well geez, thanks for being honest about your needs going unmet this whole time I could have been doing something about it while you suffered in such selfless silence.

Mine told me that she planned on leaving once the kids were out of high school. For those of you who are not math whizzes, my youngest is 6, so she planned on leaving in 12 years!!!