It's one of them days...

TIME AND PATIENCE..TWO YEARS before NORMALITY...

Back later.. but this says a lot of it...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Does it take longer than 2 years if you find out about more than one affair?

I'm at 3.5 years and still not fully recovered.

It took a long time for our lives to get so screwed I guess it takes time to fix it too !

It's a MINIMUM of 2 years.

3 years here...also not fully recovered, but getting there (I hope).

Recovery is like dieting.

When you first begin, your goal weight seems so elusive and distant you wonder if you'll ever really get there.

You shed a few pounds and you begin to feel somewhat better and more hopeful.

Sometimes you have a binge period and you get off track. You're "feeling" fat and dissatisfied, so you feel kind of negative and your mind has a way of erasing progress.

During these times, you can either give up or stay the course. If you stay the course, regardless of how negative you're feeling at the time...

one day...

You wake up and you're a size 4.

And then you feel positive again and your mind conveniently "forgets" (at least partially) exactly how difficult the road was.

Emotions are a funny thing, aren't they? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there, Mimi.

Ok, does this apply to Marriage Recovery or Personal Recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BOTH!

Oh, and weight loss too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So.....I'm guessing it would take me longer than two years to recover.

I appreciate all of you posting where you are at.

Thanks.

Four and a half years past D-day for me, and I feel completely recovered. Ex keeps chipping away at wanting me back, but I'm so immune to him............

4 years out, I think OUR MARRIAGE, is pretty much NORMAL, on second thought, probably better than most NORMAL MARRIAGES. We are very attentive to the MARRIAGE and treat it with SPECIAL CARE.

I think following EACH ONE of these Four Rules is essential:

Four Rules of Successful Recovery


When I said it was one of those days, for me, I was referring to how BUSY I was...while I was TRYING to post...

Mimi,
I've been reading your Plan B post that I rescued from another thread earlier today. So many of your thoughts and feelings during that time are so similar to my own. Your situation gives me hope. Thank you.

Yep..NEVER GIVE UP HOPE..HOPE for YOURSELF..even if your MARRIAGE does not RECOVER..there's ALWAYS HOPE...

Well, heck!!!

In that case, is it too late for me to retract my lame dieting analogy?

Oh no, frozen, I like the dieting analogy to recovery.

Everyone knows what's required, everyone knows what the end result will be,

but sometimes the effort seems so overwhelmingly difficult,

that maybe it's not quite worth it to some people!

MrsGGW

This makes so much sense in response to my situation. I was just asking about this very thing on my thread. Why my dh continues to say that he doesn't want to try for fear of getting hurt. What he really means is that he doesn't way to TRY. Period. So, once the fog lifts, does that fear of trying go away, I wonder?

I keep telling myself that I'm in the infancy stages. It can be more than difficult to BELIEVE that we will find new and old love again, but I have faith, and continue with the plan.

Coming here has been my saving grace on many an occasion.

IMO...no.

I think the fear of trying (fear of failure, really) applies to ALL people in a wide variety of situations.

I would guess that it is a possibility that some WS's who say they don't want to attempt Recovery because they fear failure could use that as a handy excuse to keep a BS hanging so they can continue to cake eat.

But then again, some could actually fear failure.

There's really no way to read someone's mind.

Their actions would be a better indicator than their words.

Since this is a recovery thread, can we begin a discussion about the ANGER that emerges during recovery?

I know that I have and am dealing with a lot of resentment, and OLD HABITS.

Can we discuss working thru the anger, the how to's, the why's, the when's, the where's, etc, and so on?

Where did those who have dealt with the anger get help? What books did y'all read, forms of meditiation to center yourself, whatever and however.

I'm hearing a lot of members (BS and WS, alike) in early recovery hitting a wall, trying to get what they need, but letting anger take over, resulting in spewing venom instead of problem solving.

I'm just interested in others' approaches to dealing with their anger. It may benefit others; may give them a JUMPING OFF point.

It's funny, I would have NEVER thought that I could recover on a personal level, but that's what is happening in spite of myself. Not because of me, but G-d. He didn't give up on me and he isn't giving up on any of us who just have the little spark of want.

It's NOT OUR JOB to read someone's mind. Our JOB is to be in G-ds will and walk the journey he has planned for us. When we are looking at someone else, we aren't looking at ourselves.

SL - anger is so interesting. I heard once probably more than once that it is a by product of a bigger feeling. For me, I think when I get angry it's because I am scared.

Before D-day I was so angry inside all the time, I know understand why. My WH was pushing all my buttons in the most cruel way because he knew what to do to make me crazy. Since he has been gone, that kind of anger just doesn't exist anymore. My friends wish I would get more angry that I have, but it just isn't there.

Oh yes, there are times when I get angry, but somehow it comes really quick the bigger emotion.

What I read is Torah, AA, worked on myself and am still in the process of becoming who G-d envisions for me. I don't want the anger to take over, so I hold it at bay.

I am probably the stupid one and how you all handle it is probably better. Maybe because I am so willing for WH to come home that I don't allow myself the deep anger to be.

Or maybe I am truly healing inside and I can see that though this is AWFUL, HORRIBLE and TRULY DESTRUCTIVE, I can see the good that has come and I am not willing to ruin what G-d is building.

Any others?

Ah, skinsgal, thanks for your input.

Before I ended Plan B, I was angry with EVENTS, things that my FWH DID. I would be angry with his continued destructive actions toward our son. I knew he was wayward, and did my best to learn to leave it to a higher power.

Before the A's, I was a happy person, harbored very little, if any, anger toward anybody, with a few exceptions (old codependent ways). Since entering recovery, a lot of old behaviors have emerged that are highly detrimental to a happy M, on being my need to be RIGHT, and to CORRECT others, MAINLY PWC (my FWH). I wouldn't let PWC's words just be, I had to dissect and try to make him feel WRONG, not because he was wrong. He feels like he feels in any moment in time; it's not wrong or right, it just is.

Now, I would become angry when I didn't hear or get what I wanted/needed. This would cause me to sulk, withdraw. Then I would rebuild some strength, begin filling his needs, then get caught up on something, harbor it, let it fester, then BLOW UP. It was a viscious cycle.

MY way of dealing with this has been to learn about codependency and CONTROL, and to STOP focusing on what may or may not be AFFLICTING PWC to cause him to be so withdrawn. I have let him go, in a control sense, freeing myself to care for ME. Now, this is in it's infancy stages, and I'm still learning.

I have been reading some recovery threads and hear a lot of anger, and abusive behaviors, and would only like to attempt to get the VETS to drop their knowledge on us.