mlhb,
I too have found that the "old friend" that I came across again is not really boyfriend material. I had to let him know that friendship from him was all I was needing/wanting. He took it very well. I think some people (in my case, not yours) needs to remember that not all people are going to click with one another...and if both are willing to "just be friends", more can eventually happen if it's meant to...some just don't want to invest the time I guess to find out?!

I feel like I'm back in HighSchool with this dating stuff. Had quite a few male friends then and was wondering how to go about gaining some now...guess, it just depends on the person. The last 2 "dates" wanted more and were not able to just remain friends...ditched me like a lead balloon! lol.

I continue to think that things happen for a reason...maybe I'm not ready yet to gain more right now and so, the right one hasn't come along yet! lol.

well, i am totally fine with being alone and not dating. trust me you get used to it. i have a good life and a busy one. i am happy. truly happy. but it would be nice to have someone to spend time with. and to do that i really need to not be looking at ldrs. i would have considered with this man only because we have been friends so long but really, honestly, i don't think i want to go that route not because i can't handle the distance but because it is too hard if someone else locally comes along for either person.

i have no desire for dating sites after my one month stint on eharmony (what a joke that is). i do have my profile on a christian singles site just basically to make friends. i did not say i was looking for a date, just friends. i actually just did this after friend and i decided we would just be friends. what the heck, it doesn't hurt. but i am not really diligently looking. i know i need to make sure i am ready when i date again and i know i need to make sure that i will enforce my boundaries no matter what. and i know i am still hurting from the zillion different breakups i went through with exbf. yea, i still have some healing to do.

it's all fine.

mlhb

Michelle sorry it didn't work out.... but you deserve to have a relationship with someone in the same state I am thinking... Being friends on the internet and long distance is fine but heck you need a person in your town or a few towns over to really appreciate a relationship I am thinking... I still don't date.. it is funny - my cousin told me when I least expect it he will be there - and well - I am still waiting but I know there are some things going on in my life right now that it just isn't fair to bring another person into it - and when I am ready it will happen......

Probably all true.
Thanks.

mlhb

something strange happened to me yesterday. I was going through old wedding photos because I wanted to give one of my friends the pics of her and her h so they could have them. (I have been kind of dissecting the album and giving pix away). She looked at me and said " you know, it is all so sad" meaning how things turned out, etc... and you know what? It was all I could do not to just break down crying! wtf? For some reason I am having a really hard time looking at those pictures now and have put them away again. I was saving them for my kids. They like to look at them. But wow, my reaction freaked me out.

And it got me thinking.... every man pretty much, I dated before marriage and after, has betrayed me in one way or another, with another woman. I am almost at the point right now where I feel like why even bother to date? So, I am wondering, is something wrong with ME that this happens? Am I not filling another's en's even though I try like ****** to (with the exception of my marriage, I was very selfish in the first few years of our marriage I admit)? Or am I just not firm enough in saying what my boundaries are and then enforcing them? Or, is the kind of men I choose to date? I would really like to figure this out because I am really tired of being with men who think it is either ok to have private women friends who are not friends of the relationship, or who blatantly cheat on me. And I am not sure how to go about making sure this stuff doesn't keep happening.

I have found myself to be in a touch of " i don't give a ****** anymore" mode and why bother mode, and i think i will just be alone with my kids and do my thing mode because i am really tired of my track record.

any suggestions?

can anyone relate

i know i am not perfect but i have made a complete 360 since my marriage and now that i understand the whole EN thing and all, i would think i would have been having better luck post marriage. but, my history of men and their actions keep repeating themselves.. so, even with my changes, i am still getting the same results in men.

WTF?

mlhb

i want to add that my post above does include the man i was looking at extended our friendship with. that was just a friendship and nothing more. so this doesn't apply to him.

mlhb

Michelle,

Maybe it is simple as you are attracted to the wrong kind of guys? Have you ever wrote down exactly what you want in a man and then start observing if your dates have those traits?

The first woman I dated after my divorce treated me very, very badly. I just kept going out with her cause I was needy and I did not care. Now, I don't think I would last one date with someone like her.

I am still not sure where the woman of my dreams is but I am willing to bet that she is going to show up when I least expect her. For now... I am content being alone.

K

keith,

after my marriage ended and i felt i was ready to date my instinct was to go for a man who was the complete opposite of my ex. someone who was very similar to me, had similar interests and beliefs,etc. a few men i saw the flags right away and immediately fired them. my one long term dating experience post marriage, well, he was very different from my ex, but ultimately, ended up basically doing the same things like seeing other women while swearing exclusivity to me.

that is why i ask what the deal is?

i want someone who is FAITHFUL. is that so much to ask?
i want someone who is true to their word and who does not lie to me or lie by omission.
i want someone who has me as PLAN 1, not as the "back up" plan

someone who shares my belief system, someone who has similar interests, someone who can keep up with my fast pace. i give my all to people. if you are my friend or bf or whatever, you will get the best i have to give. so, i don't get it.

like i said, i was not always this way. but i have learned through mb the mistakes i made in my marriage. i have done a 360. and yet, i still end up with either really needy men, ones that cheat or are dishonest, whatever.

i am not "looking". would it be nice? sure it would. but i am fine alone too. i would just like to know why, even when i think they are the kind of man i want with the right qualities, the same thing keeps happening.

i have just decided to keep myself even busier. i work, have my kids, and finishing my degree online, have my singing, and within the next year would like to get certified in jazzercise for a side business. i guess i shouldn't worry about what i don't have time for. but i do get lonely sometimes, i am only human. being one of the very few single parents to go to my kids hockey games, alone, while every other kid has mom and dad there. it sucks. or to have someone to do things with when kids are with dad. or someone to lay next to at night. i am 3 years out here from my marriage ending. my ex sure isn't sleeping alone, and his R with ow seems to be going strong. and me? i can't even keep one relationship going let alone find another one.

"shrugs"

mlhb

it is starting to make me bitter and i don't want that to happen.....

mlhb

I once suggested to you, awhile back, to get the book In the Meantime, Getting the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant. Did you ever get it??

If not, why not?

you know what? i forgot all about that! i do remember you telling me about a book. i am sure i was too wrapped up in my own stuff at the time to remember to look it up. i will go check out amazon.com for it.

thanks for reminding me.

mlhb

well, i have decided to just keep working on me. i have lots of things in the works and will just keep plugging away at my goals. i got a crazy amount of money back on my taxes, i mean CRAZY amount. that with my student loan money was well into the thousands (thank you lord!) so, i plan to do some things to the house and to get certified in jazzercise by the end of the year (a small investment for a nice side business). the kids and i will be able to do something nice this summer and i will still have plenty, i mean plenty left over to bank just because. i am hoping to go and see my friend christy this summer, i have asked her to give me some dates so we can have a girly weekend.

classes start back up again march 17 so i will have that too. so between school, work, working out to get ready for jazzercise, teaching my 3 classes a week at work for health and wellness, and planning to see my friends and spend time with kids, and working on my house, i shouldn't have to worry about whether or not i am dating!

works for me.

mlhb

well, it looks like i am going to be selling the house.
the house had remained in me and my exes name all this time and up until now it has not been a problem. however, i am sure due to pressure from ow, he is now pressuring me to get financing in just my name, which, i cannot do at this time. his leaving financially devastated me for over a year. i am still trying to pay off things from the marriage.

but, i don't necessarily see this as a bad thing. i have wanted to move out of this town for a long time but couldn't because i was tied to this house. well, now i can. once the house is sold i will be looking for something in a different town, quite possibly where i grew up which is a much bigger place with more opportunities. it will the fresh start i have been longing for.

i trust god for everything so i am not worried. i know he will provide another place for us. i have 2 months to decide what i want to do. i have contacted my realtor as i know the market is not that great right now and it is up in the air whether or not the house will even sell very quickly.

this is the last tie i have with my ex. i explained to the kids last night that we may have to sell the house and they are sad. they have lived here since they were 2. but i told them that life is about change and that we were just going to look at this like a big adventure.

mlhb

Michelle - I can relate... I am having housing issues right now and will be leaving soon and you know I am happy about it.... I tried to stay here for five years - I just cannot simply afford it and continue to get myself further in debt trying to stay in a house that well doesn't hold alot of happy memories for us... but my girls have completely come around and they are looking forward to a new change - a new beginning.... and hopefully a happier mom....

Depending on what your decree says, you may not have to sell. My ex-h wanted me to sell too for the same reasons as yours. But, I have a great mortgage rate and I didn't want to pay all the fees to refi. So I said "no way." I told my lawyer that if ex wanted me to refinance, then he could pay the difference in interest, plus the cost to refinance. So my divorce papers state that "wife will put forth reasonable effort" to get ex's name off mortgage.

Exh's main concern was that he wouldn't be able to get a loan if his name was already on a mortgage. Well, he got a loan no problem and bought a house.

I don't know what your ex's living sitch is or what your divorce papers say but there may be hope. I did look into moving but it was disappointing how little you get for your money around here. The price of my home has increased a bunch since I moved in, but so has everything else around here. Good Luck.

thanks for the info starving. i actually WANT to move and have wanted to for some time now. i don't want to keep the house that badly. i have no problem putting it up for sale. the kids and i can move and start fresh somewhere else. it will be a much needed change.

i wish i could buy another house somewhere but i cannot. i can't afford to right now. it will be a bummer to have to rent a house but oh, well, no big. we'll be fine. i'll have the profit from selling i can bank so... i am actually very happy about this.

mlhb

Will the profit from the sale give you enough for a down payment on a new place? Thankfully rates are dropping again. Maybe you can get something affordable in the near future.

well, i will have to split the profit with my ex. i will get a bit extra because i have put money into the house and kept the receipts so i will get that back. i am not sure how much my profit will be.

i don't really want to buy right now.

mlhb

Hey Michelle!!! Nice to see ya back. I've been gone for a long time too...

I like your boundaries! Only 1 I struggled with is the hair dresser thingy. About the only one around here I can find that's any good with hair cuts are women. I've gone to the same one for years and years now.

What do you think about that?

Thanks!
High Flight

Hi Highflite!
I was totally thinking about you today. seriously, i was like "where are some of the older posters like highflite, and dukhnter, and sturgis..."

a woman hairdresser i'd allow. lol

how have you been?

mlhb