Your hesitation means you are not ready to get married. As evidenced by your unwillingness to commit. "Wanting" to get married and being ready to make a committment are very different things. And it is ok to not be ready. It is better to NOT do anything when you know are not ready.


By committment, we mean marrying him. Dating someone for 2 years is not a committment. It is just dating. It is like renting the car for 2 years without buying it. It is a month to month agreement, but not a committment.


Lets say it is real old fashioned, so what? Is it a good idea or a bad idea? That is what counts.


A WISE fear. HE comprehends that you are not marriage material right now.


But again, this is a RENTERS STATEMENT, not a BUYERS STATEMENT. You dont live in a house for 24/7 before you buy it unless it is a RENTAL. You are looking for a RENTAL, he is looking for a BUYER. You have very different goals and outlooks.

That my dear is one of the reasons people have affairs.

Because you CAN fall in love with anyone who follows those basic concepts.

I BET you believe in soulmates too?

I don't really appreciate the idea that i'm in a month to month agreement, I don't really recall signing a lease agreement with him.

Commitment does not only mean marriage, I know a number of couples who have been together for over 10 years and haven't been married, is that just a really long lease?

Right, she wants to take you for a TEST DRIVE; she doesn't want to BUY YOU. She is not committed. She has a RENTERS attitude, not a buyers. And a renter, because she is not committed, will move on when soemthing better comes along. She is telling you she is NOT COMMITTED when she says she wants to see your QUIRKS first.

She doesn't want to commit to you, she wants to test drive you to see if there are any KNOCKS in the engine. And if she hears a knock or sees a better car, you will be left on the side of the road.

timpzed, I am sure she is a very nice girl, but she is not marriage material unless and until she is COMMITTED TO YOU and willing to buy you 'AS IS." She is not willing to accept you as you ARE, she wants to first see your "quirks."

She might be the right girl for you in the future, but she is NOT THE RIGHT GIRL NOW. You want your future wife to be someone who WANTS YOU as a HUSBAND, not a TEST DRIVE to see you have any knocks in the engine.

Yes it is a long lease thing.

If they get married it is often that they soon part.

You really should read "The One" like I suggested.

this conversation is getting to be a little one-sided, and there seems to be an impression of "ganging up" on her
i think conversations can be carried out with an imbalanced number of people on each side without ganging up, as long as the people on the popular side are careful about their wording and presentation

basically, CAPS should be used sparingly (so as not to suggest yelling) and wording should be so arranged that it couldn't be read in a condescending way, since with text it's difficult to convey subtle inflections and intonations

if she had said she was not committed, she would have used the words "not" and "committed" together
the tendency to restate another's position often results in frustration

i've never seen a marriage fail when they have lived together, and i've seen numerous fail when they haven't lived together, so I guess my beliefs come from what i see, not what I read in a book, as important a book as that is.

I suppose I just don't see how they could have possibly gotten these results when I have never seen them.

I also know you don't think i've read the material, but I have. I also know that me giving in is a giver attitude, in the policy of joint agreement it states that in any decision both parties shoudld be enthusiastic.

timpzed, can you try and stay focused on the SUBSTANCE?

It is not one sided at all. Folks were asked their opinion and they gave it. Y'all can take it or leave it. Its not a debate. You might hear some things you don't like, but you DID ask for opinions.

Thanks for the critique on STYLE how about the SUBSTANCE?

timpzed, she has told she will not marry you. Which means she is not willing to make a committment. Making a committment is much more than just saying words. It is words backed by ACTION. Talk is cheap.

timpzed - Get the book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". It is excellent. It will really prepare you both for marriage.

EG - Statistics all say that living together raises the chances of divorce, whether you've seen it or not in your own life. Your thinking is a bit faulty if you think only what you have seen is true. For one thing, you are young, and many of your live together friends may divorce later.

you can have whatever substance you like
just present it sans disrespectful judgements

mayeb my definition of commitment and all yours are different. My definition fo commitment is when two people love each other and promise to be there for one another always. I don't need a piece of paper to say that to someone, and I agree talk is cheap, but i'm nto just saying I love you and that I promise to be there for yout o hear myself talk, I do love him, and I am always there for him.

None of you seem to think with your own minds, seems to me like you read Dr. Harley's articles and regurgitate it like bad chinese food.

Believer-anyone may divorce later, whether they lived together or not...

suggestion: don't ask for opinions if you don't really want them. If you really only wanted mindless YES-BOTS, you probably came to the wrong place.

I didn't come for a simple yes, I just expected a little more than regurgiated information off this site.

That Tim is what a DJ looks like.

Most of us are here because our marriages have been beset by the tragedy of infidelity and have learned through bitter experience that what Dr Harley says is TRUE.

You are of course free to believe you know better.

(That could be a DJ too)

Honey - you came to a MARRIAGE BUILDERS WEB site expecting WHAT if not Marriage Builders advice?

While I do NOT believe that you can put any two people together and they will fall in love, I also do not think you should live together...I have seen it fail (and it has for me) more often than not.

I would suggest seeking out some unbiased information and not necessarily looking for direction from a website that deals mostly with infidelity.

Recognize that if there is any hesitation about getting married, you really shouldn't live together. When you are ready for marriage...you will know...there won't be any doubt.

And really...what is the rush?

I never said I knew better, I was simply stating that perhaps some of you could form your own opinions.