My wife and I have been together for 7 years. We’ve been married for one year and have had a good relationship to this point. She is late 40's and I'm early 50's, no kids, in great shape and very young at heart. We’ve been able to travel the world and for the most part enjoy our lives and love each other. Any differences have always been worked out, until recently.
My wife has decided she’s going to spend 4 days with her 2 sisters in a condo in another state, where they know no one. (it gets better,keep reading) I’m trying to be a fair and understanding husband but this bothers me and here is why...
Sister # 1 is single, 52 years old and an alcoholic. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her sober. She’s been married and divorced 3 times, has several kids from separate marriages, all are “lost in life”, involved in drugs and booze. She is always looking for the next man and never able to settle down. (She lives out of state thankfully) She has at least one DUI on her driving record that I know of. Picture the aging”party chick”, that’s her. I hate to say it but from what I can see she’s never made a good judgment call in her life but yet she has an older sibling influence over my wife. That concerns me. She is also the one that is inspiring this trip.
Sister #2 is a drinker also. Alcoholism runs through their family. She's been known to drink till she throws up. She's 48 years old and has a very patient, successful husband that puts up with her psychotic behavior, and no one understands why. She has a very negative attitude towards her marriage and husband...and life in general. (She lives locally) She likes to plan separate vacations away from her husband and tries convincing my wife into going along. Here’s where it gets interesting. Two years ago she arranged a trip to celebrate “Sister #1’s” 50th birthday (out of State) their whole family was there except her husband and me...for some reason we were not included. My wife was ok with this, I didn’t quite understand. I have never met my wife’s entire family. The situation obviously raised red flags for me…but with much concern I decided to let it go. Their alcohol issues weren’t as apparent as they are now. Possibly that had something to do with it.
My wife drinks also, maybe not to the extremes of her older sisters that I can see, but she’s easily led by them and acts differently and drinks considerably more when she is around them. She tries to contain her drinking around me, I don’t drink till I’m slurring my words or puking. I have a couple of glasses of wine to wind down from the work day and to help me sleep. I’m in a somewhat stressful white collar job position.
So again now I’m confronted with another “sister situation”. I think this pending trip is obviously more than just a nice trip with sisters…it looks to me to be a “binge” trip and that’s something I feel doesn’t belong in anyone’s life or marriage. I suppose this was also the point of the birthday party mentioned earlier. I don’t want to seem like a jerk or a controlling husband but I really see nothing positive coming out of this. I also don’t care to be played for a fool.
So one of my questions is, do I have a right to be concerned with my wife staying in a strange city, in a different state, in a condo for four days with her drunken, party sisters? Sounds like a no-brainer to me and I’m concerned. Ask my wife and she would say I’m being selfish or maybe even controlling. I’m uncomfortable with this on several levels. There are also personal safety issues, like getting behind the wheel after drinking or being in the wrong place at the wrong time, in a strange city. I’m also concerned that the alcohol problem in her family is now beginning to affect my wife and our marriage. I’m really not sure what to think!
Hopefully what I’ve stated here is enough for someone to offer an informed opinion. Some good advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

You might get more responses to this on the 'emotional needs' forum. It seems to get the most traffic other than the infidelity forums.

My initial impression is that you don't trust your wife. You don't trust that she can be with her 'partying sisters' and not stay out of trouble. Has SHE ever done anything to that would lead you to not trust her? This is crucial. The fact that you disapprove of her sisters isn't enough of a reason to not trust her. Normally, I might agree with you if this was a group of casual friends and she had done something to make you suspicious but, really, these are her sisters. If you make her choose between her sisters and you, you will probably lose.

She is probably very much aware of the family drinking issues, which is why you have not been invited to meet the entire family. She's ashamed and afraid you will not approve. This is probably the reason you and the other BIL were not invited to the birthday party. They know you disapprove, hence they don't want you around to remind them of their shortcomings.

In all likelihood, the drinking is something they learned in childhood from a parent. Drinking makes people feel uninhibited, hence often times more affectionate and touchy-feely. Maybe this is the only way they can feel comfortable with each other and bond. Who knows? Either way, she WILL perceive this as controlling behavior on your part because she this is something she wants to do and you are not happy about it. Personally, I would tell her your concerns in an non-judgmental way (don't diss the sisters or her family) simply state that you are concerned for her safety and that you would like her to promise to take taxi cabs and stay in well-lit areas because you couldn't bear if anything happened to her.

Then, after the trip, I would try to get her to read some of Dr. Harley's books and get into marriage counseling. You are right, this could have an detrimental effect on your marriage if you can't come to an understanding about it.

Also, if you want to be involved and included in her family events, be careful not to pass judgment on them. People tend to feel defensive when it comes to their family of origin, no matter how many problems they have. She has grown up with her sisters, has known them all of her life. She's known you for a handful of years. "In-law' issues are one of the top problems that lead to divorce. Good luck.

MJB, I see your point and thank you for responding.
I don’t think did a complete job expressing my point though. I don’t want her to choose between her sisters or me but I would hope to see my wife take the more mature role and maybe lead as an example to her sisters, possibly by showing a disinterest in a 4 day binge with them and suggest a more positive move, away from alcohol and sister isolation and more towards extended family and reality. Maybe I’m kidding myself but there is obviously a problem there that is being addressed in an incorrect way. I know she has it in her but the dirty little secret they share is how much they drink. I’m not talking about a couple of bottles of wine and a few giggles between sisters…these girls can belt it down like sailors…we’re talking about life altering issues here as witnessed by the lives her sisters lead. They don’t hide this when visiting from out of state and as a husband and an in-law it concerns me greatly. As you mentioned, marriage counseling is one option but I’m thinking alcohol counseling may be a better first step. I think my wife needs to understand what she and her sisters are dealing with…me too actually.
It’s like a big smelly elephant sitting in the living room that no one will admit to seeing. I’m admitting to seeing it….and it’s not a pretty sight. It’s rather embarrassing and it’s being hidden with statements like “your being controlling”. I think it’s also called denial. I would guess that alcohol causes as much or more divorce than in-law situations but it looks like I may have a double whammy on my hands.
Another concern is that this will become more frequent. …maybe I better find a few drinking buddy’s and take Vegas trips while she’s gone, who knows maybe I am missing out on all the fun! I’ve actually been there, done that and prefer spending quality vacation time with my wife…and maybe even a semi- sober sister or two.
Anyway, it goes a lot deeper than just trust but you are correct, I don’t trust my wife to make smart and proper judgments when she is drinking, especially with influences like this. We know alcohol impairs judgment and destroys lives and marriages. I’d just like to head it off at the pass if possible.
Thoughts?

I'm sorry if it seemed I was minimizing the alcohol issue. That wasn't my intention. There is a history of alcoholism in my family and my father is probably what as known as a highly functioning alcoholic. So I know how concerning it is and it is indeed an 'elephant in the room' for me and my siblings but over the years we've come to the conclusion that there's not much we can do about it except make sure to protect ourselves and our kids from being exposed to him when he is drinking (although he is a very nice drunk). For the most part, none of us have a close relationship with him and only see him 1-2 times per year.

My initial concern is you don't do anything to alienate your wife from you. This is a touchy subject and the way it is handled will have everything to do with how successfully you can influence her.

A couple of questions:

1) You do think your wife has a 'drinking' problem? You've been together 7 years so you should have a good idea whether her drinking is out of control on a regular basis. Does it lead her to act in a way that negatively affects your marriage (e.g. she passes out at night frequently, it makes her tired or mean or sloppy on a frequent basis - not just when she's partying with the sibs)? Does she drink alone? Does the amount she drinks seemed to have increased over the years? Does she 'black-out'?

2) During the six years prior to your marriage was she going on these out of town binges on a regular basis? If so, how often? If not, why do you think the get togethers have recently started? Did you ever express concern while you were dating?

3) Does your wife acknowledge that her sisters have a problem? Does she discuss it with you? Does she seem defensive when you discuss it or more concerned about the welfare of her sisters?

4) I'm guessing from your ages that one or both of you have been married before. Was alcohol an issue in her previous relationship? Yours?

I guess what I'm getting at here is maybe you need to tease out what is really her problem vs. that of her sisters. She can't do much about her sisters but if she indeed has an alcohol problem and you can gently persuade her to see that, maybe she will be more discriminating in whether she chooses to partake in these sisterly binges.

I think educating yourself on the spectrum of alcohol problems might be helpful. A person can be a very highly functioning alcoholic, a fall down drunk and anything in between. My understanding is that periodic episodes of 'binge drinking' are not necessarily considered a 'problem' as it is defined by the mental health community. Think college students, young adults, etc. who frequently go out on the weekends and drink to excess. It is more of a social event for most people, although there are people in the mix who definitely have alcohol problems.

My 1st husband was an alcoholic (3 year marriage) and that is when I got acquainted with the whole issue of alcoholism.

Your wife may indeed 'know better' but sibling relationships can be very complex. She may not have as much influence on her sisters as you think. She may, in fact, be somewhat in awe of them or she may look up to one or both of them (despite their obvious issues). She may be intimidated by them or simply thinks it is not her place to say anything. Maybe she gets a lot of pleasure from these out-of-town trips. Unfortunately, patterns in sibling relationships are set very early in life and can be difficult ( but not impossible) to break.

The important thing, IMHO, is to approach her in a way that doesn't leave her feeling criticized and judged. Most people don't respond well to perceived criticism or control. You have to broach this whole topic very carefully and slowly. Maybe a counselor can help you figure out the best way to address it before you approach your wife.