I am on a rollercoaster ride the last few days. But I think it is best for me just to give in at this ppoint. I keep saying to myself:

"why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you?"

I can't seem to get it to stick in my head though.

I have come to the conclusion that all this continued relationship is doing is destroying me. But I can't seem to accept the fact that it is OVER. Can can I come to terms with this? I've read so many things that have convinced me that I can work it out but it's just not happening.

I need to learn to accept this, but how can I? What can help me accept it so that I can make the right decisions to move forward?

I love my H but this is killing me.

Zora, don't know your story but it sounds like you badly need Plan B.

Please do this for your sanity. There are plenty of people here who will help you with a good Plan B.

Well, there is is. I am now in plan B. I know this has been coming for a long time. I just couldn't see through the fog anymore. And I was taking a big step back emotionally from where I was last month.

I gave my WH my plan B letter today. I have ceased using my IM accounts for the time being and I have had my IT department setup a filter to catch any incoming e-mails from my H <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />, slick I know. It's nice to be friends with the IT department.

I have asked him to only contact me in case of a real emergency. I have arranged that any communication for dog care be setup with a close friend of mine.

My expenses are completely separate and I am currently looking for a second job. I am also seeking a realtor so that I can put my house on the market. I'm in the Boston area and in a price bubble so this is really going to suck to sell at this time. Oh well.

I have not heard anything from him yet today. I don't think I will really. I think the next bit of contact that I will get will to be served with papers.

At this point I have no hope that this marriage can be saved, though I would still like it to be. We have been separated for too long and I think my WH has seen the greener pastures of being single again.

I'm getting ready to ride out the storm.

Make sure you bring them doughnuts so you stay that way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thus far my WH has been keeping his distance. I can't say that I'm shocked. I'm pretty sure he made up his mind along time ago and just never had the guts to do anything about it. I just wish he hadn't left me hanging on for so long hoping that he'd come back.

I'm having a difficult time coping with all of this today. I just can't get past the WHY and the IF ONLY.....

It takes a few days for Plan B to start to feel comfortable. But soon it will. The withdrawal from wayward drama and crap is really quite nice.

You need to work on healing you now.

Be patient Z.


We all have said the exact same thing. In most cases this was not true.

I'm not really sure why I am so upset today. I found out by chance that my WH went to church with his ski friend that he was having an EA (I think) with for ash wednesday.

This makes me so sick inside. I know that I should just accept that he is going to do what he is going to do and that I may hear about it sometimes, but I cannnot.

I just don't understand why the WH's don't think there is anything wrong with this kind of stuff. Especially neing the devout Roman Catholic that he I supposed to be.

I guess that now that I am in plan B, he is going to be open about whatever it is that is really going on. If there was something going on, they hid it VERY well. No amount of money that I spent investigating found anything between the 2 of them.

The only thing that I have heard was that my WH took the dogs to the vet today one for its yearly and the other to investigate a lump on hs leg.

Yesterday was so easy compared to today. I wish my friend hadn't told me the part about church. Makes me sick.

I have really started looking back on my M since plan B started and a few things dawned on me.

About 2 years ago I was in complete withdrawl from the M. I'm not totally sure why. I think it was the start of my depression. There are so many things over the years that my WH did to me that put me in a spot of falling out of love with him.

One of the things he always did to me and that I hated was that he would be condescending to me, in a playful way, or so he thought. But it always made me feel bad about myself, like I wasn't worth being sweet to or something. I already had self esteem issues, but I think this made it so much worse. Until I had none to speak of.

In addition, I realize there was a long period of time that I didn't want anything to do with my H. The withdrawl phase I suppose. I found him unattractive (though he is very good looking) and disgusting. I cringe thinking about it. He would always complain that I turned down SF, and I don't deny that I did. How can you sleep with someone who makes you feel bad like that?

I think because he always say that I was beatiful that the other things he said to me didn't matter, but obviously they did.

In the end he was really the one to leave. But looking back, I was the one who truly 'checked out' first. I just never had the guts to admit it. I guess I just thought people stuck it out in unhappy marriages, like my parents and my grandparents did.

Now I am stuck in this place figuring out why I want to reconcile? Is it the money? Is it the house? Is it afraid of being alone? Is it afraid of change? Is it the shame of divorce (I am catholic though I don't really practice)? Is it fear of failure?

Looking back I have never failed at anything in my life. This would be a first.

Sorry this is a whole lot of blabbering but I just needed to get it off my chest.

I think I am coming to a decision that I need to move on even though WH has not filed papers of any kind. It has just been too long.

One of the things I have begun to realize as I have been in plan B is that I was a controlling spouse in some ways. I would try and manipulate with crying and pleasing and sulking to get my way.

Looking back I was guilty of this in other relationships as well. I did it with my parents and previous boyfriends. usually the people I am closest to.

I am at time also passive-aggressive I think, which is also a way of controlling.

I am short tempered, irrational, jealous and un-trusting. I ahve always been that way. And I have controlling habits on top of all of this. I realize this is why my plan A failed. because I was being manipulative.

I realize there is too much hurt on both sides to heal our relationship anyway. But, I want to grow and change this for the future. I don't want to push someone else away because of this problem. Can someone give me advice on where I can get started?

Hi Zora,

I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly, but you need to stop blaming yourself for everything that went wrong. Yes, you made mistakes, but everyone of us have, none are perfect.

You may have "checked out" emotionally but you did not have an affair, you did not move out, both where his choices.

If he did go to church with his ski buddy then he is still in a EA and still in fog. You are doing the right thing with plan "B".

You posted that you feel that you "failed" and have never failed, you didn't fail, you did and still are doing everything you can to try to save your marriage, that in my opinion is not failing!!!.

You can not control what he does, you can only control what you do, you have to hold on and save Zors now.

(((hugs)))) F-26

Often Plan B is what it takes to bring them back. And sometimes, when the BS gets into Plan B and really looks at the whole marriage, they decide not to have the WS back.

But it is very early to tell. Do you have to sell your home? It is not a good time if you can hang on a bit longer.

I blame myself a lot for what happen over the last 2 years. My depression and my actions drove my WH to do what he is doing. I know I'm not totally at fault. I lived with years of hurt even before we married that he caused me. I'm just trying to improve myself for the future. With or without him.

I'm hanging onto the house for now. Getting help from my relatives as needed. I've heard interest rates are dropping and that perhaps putting the house up in the spring might be a good idea. I don't have to take any offers I don't want anyway.

I have been thinking and would like to move closer to town, or even in town (Boston) to be closer to the group of friends I associate with. It would also put me closer to my job as well as my extracurricular activities.

I just have to pray the house sells.

I would try to hang on to it as long as possible. The downturn is expected to last at least another year. Could you get a roommate to help out with expenses? That is what I did. Worked out fine.

Zora,



This had me rolling...thank you so much for the laughter.

And I have said "Damn, I need to be more funny" countless times. It's just funnier when YOU say it.

LA

I am continually searching for humor in my situation. there is one poster that refers to the OM at Golum and the affair aparment as Mordor.

I need to cmoe up with cute names for my WH and is 'friend'. I think I might start calling him JarJar Binks, just because he hates him. And perhaps his friend could be Jabba the Hutt. Oh maybe the WH is Jabba, since while we were still together he would never take care of himself and ate everything insite.

I dunno I need to think about it more. Anyone got ideas?

I called OW - PBR (Psycho Babble Rabbit). She earned every part of that name. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Another WS called her WS Darth. I called him Jethro. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I found using the OP's last name vs their 1st and then giving them a real fitting OP name helped me heal. It kept them at the level where they belong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hi gang,

I haven't talked about my situation in a while. And I know that you will say that I am an idiot.

My WH has moved back to our home. We are living in separate bedrooms. He still says he does not want to fix our M and that we need to get a D.

I have asked him to try to work things out. He says that he knows what is behind him and he is sure it is not what he wants. He does not know what is in front of him and would rather take the chance with the unknown.

No paperwork or anything has been filed.

I called a realtor to figure out what the selling price of the house would be and to get a relative feel about what the market is like in my area.

MY WH has mentioned he is thinking about buying me out of the house, but he is not totally sure.

I am a loss at what to do anymore. I had been thinking about what life would be without him, and had started making plans to move to a new town and such. And I was starting to get excited about making a new life.

Part of me really wants to do the work to try and save this. I go back and forth, especially now that he is living with me.

We are getting along fine for the most part, but there are times I LB because quite frankly there are friends of him I just don't like. They have interfered in our M in the past. Sometimes I just can't hold my feelings back about this.

His most important EN is SF. He will not have SF with me and has not since Thanksgiving. So I feel like there is no way to reach him.

He is the one that wants the D, but has done nothing to move forward with it. I don't know what to do anymore.

Can anyone offer me advice?

Hi Zora,

How are you doing?