WH has a work event tomorrow, during the time period he normally spends with our daughter. We do not have a formal custody agreement. He mentioned that he would like to attend the event with her. I had no problem with this. Then it dawned on me: OW, his co-worker, will most likely be there.

We had agreed previously, with the advice of his therapist, that dd should not be interacting with current OW or any other women he decided to date (read: commit adultery with). Of course, eventually she would meet someone when it became serious, but we agreed to discuss it.

When I gently stated that I did not think dd should be around OW, WH became extremely agitated and told me I had no right to tell him who he could spend time with during his visitation with dd. I reminded him that we had an agreement, he said that things had changed and I couldn't stop him. He said my problem with OW is the primary factor in this -- apparently forgetting that it is his therapist who initially said she shouldn't be around our dd because it would be confusing.

Earlier in the day, before this conflict occurred, I had suggested we go to a counselor who specializes in co-parenting, and WH agreed. But when this issue came up later, I said it should be resolved within that context, and he deflected. He said, "I'm going to proceed ahead as I see best. Yes, I would like us to be on the same page and, yes, you can rest assured that since I am concerned about our daughter, I will vet my choices by MY therapist first. I don't need approval from you or some joint-therapist of ours before I act."

Uh huh. I am acting in my best interests and he is not.

OWH told me that he just found out from his dd that over the past two Sundays, WH has had the audacity to take her and little sister to church with him and the adulteress. This, although OWH and OW had agreed WH would not be around his kids. If I did not have this information, and if I were not aware that they systematicaly plot out events along a timeline of destruction of our families, I would not think WH was deliberately bringing dd to that event to have her interact with OW. They used their workplace to introduce her kids to WH, again, against her husband's wishes. But he didn't stand up to them, and now they do as they please, acting as though they already have started a new family. These kids' real family was destroyed in late September. How can they not be confused and bewildered?

If OW wants to be a horrible, self-centered mother, that is her business. I have no intention of having my dd at that event tomorrow, as she is just beginning to understand that mommy and daddy are not together anymore. She cries more often, and our normally sweet child is disobedient. WH refuses to accept responsibility that the separation -- which he caused by his A -- contributes to her behavior and pain. He claims he won't introduce OW as his girlfriend -- as if that matters, as though our 4 year old would not pick up chemistry between them, or notice the special looks they will no doubt be exchanging - as they disrespectfully did in my face when WH and I were still together. So, just for tomorrow, he won't walk her out to the parking lot, or sit by her? I highly doubt this.

I heard somewhere that I could file for legal separation, and put something in there about "no paramours" but that won't help me for tomorrow. I talked to Steve Harley, and he has me on a guarded Plan A. It will be a major LB for me to do whatever it is I do end up doing to be an obstacle to their plans.

But you know, it was a major LB for me when he disrespectfully told me he can do whatever he wants in regards to our dd. We have never treated each other that way in our parenting, and have always been open to each other's inputs. I think this is about a promise he made to drag my child into their affair, and a need to defend OW's honor against big bad BS. It is all so twisted, as to be unbelievable.

Please suggest how I can prevent this from occurring. Since he refused to work with me to come with a solution that's best for our daughter, and instead attacked me, my first inclination is to tell him we'll not be home when he comes to pick dd up.

Be an obstacle and stand your ground. Do not let this happen. Have you exposed this affair at work? Isn't your daughter in school? If so, pick her up from school and do not make her available for this event.

Imagination,

I would not get into another emotional conversation with your WH. As you see....it's like talking to an alien. You won't be able to trust what he says....so please proceed with whatever legal options you need to take in order to protect your daughter. For today....you need to begin to create a written record of of these discussions as they relate to custody.

You can adjust the wording so that it sounds like you....but roughly....you want to send him a message that says something like this:

H,

My first responsibility as a mother is to protect my child from the chaotic and confusing situation created by the affair and separation. I understand you feel within your rights to take (DD) where you wish, but the agreement we negotiated in good faith on (date) specifically excluded activities where OW or other dates are present. This agreement was put into place to create more continuity and less confusion for DD. I have no intention of permitting any changes surrounding this issue. It is non-negotiable and I'm writing to let you know that DD will not be available. I want you to be a part of DD's life. She needs her daddy, and I will never prevent reasonable contact with DD. But today and in the future, I will put DDs emotional security above all else so please take that into consideration when making your plans with her.

Sincerely,
Imagination

Start a folder to keep all related information together. The easiest thing to do is leave the house. But if you can't, and you think he may force this issue, make sure you have a witness (preferably with a video camera).

Imagination, the others are right. This should be a non-negotiable issue. You don't need to hire a therapist to know what you should tolerate as a parent. You have an obligation to protect your DD from your H's sleazy affair and no therapist can change that. The therapist is not responsible for your DD, YOU ARE. So save your money and send him starfish's excellent letter telling you won't be changing that agreement.

Thanks for your helpful responses. A slightly altered version of the note is sitting in my draft box, waiting for me to hit Send this afternoon, after I see WH around noon.

Because today, WH and I sign over title of our house. Yes, this is an exciting week in affairland, because escrow is scheduled to close on our family home in a few days. OW has finally accomplished her goal. About a year ago, the week after bringing OW in my house without warning for a work meeting with other colleagues -- knowing how I feel about her -- WH began pushing for us to sell our house. He said he thought we should buy a larger one to expand our family. I went along with this. Only later did I find out from OWH that OW had been very impressed that he was able to finance and manage the purchase of this house -- leading me to suspect that she suggested we sell our original house in the first place. And he went along with it to impress her.

Of course, this is speculation. But I have no doubt her opinion was more important than mine throughout the process, because somewhere along the line he became frenzied, making demands, and I began to feel like a signature, a means to an end. In my own little BS fog, I trusted him.

The week we moved in the house, WH was on vacation from work, but went into the office every day, leaving me to deal with the contractors he'd scheduled to start remodeling it. Said he had a lot to do. As it turned out later, the only work he was doing was messing around in the building with OW, while the majority of their colleagues were on vacation.

So, due to us having two separate residences as a result of the separation, and the market being as it is, we decided to sell this house. If we had waited too long, we would take too huge of a hit financially -- we were lucky to get a buyer. Houses sit on the market here for six months or more. I got opinions from three different lawyers: I would not be able to afford this enormous, mid-life crisis mansion with the child/spousal he would be required to pay. I don't want to go into foreclosure as a single mom.

WH has been amicable the past few months, and I have suspected that it is because he has needed my signature on various documents. Kind and attentive, just as he was when selling the first house and buying this one. And as previously, now that escrow is about to close, he is picking a fight, and being extremely nasty and dismissive.

And in a display of bravado and insensitivity, on Sunday OW picked a fight with OWH about something inconsequential, and announced to him via email that she is "going down to the courthouse this week" to file for divorce. A coincidence that this is the same week escrow closes? I suspect that when I send this email to WH, I will receive a reply that this is the final straw, and why WH needs to file for divorce. It will give him the story he will tell everyone, that I am unreasonable and jealous, not letting him take our child to a work event.

They probably already have a whole day planned of celebration after they file together, the day escrow closes. She can start planning her June wedding.

Nevertheless, this will mark the first time I stand up to WH in regards to what he has done to our daughter. He is going to be angry beyond belief, and I believe he will take some manner of legal action against me that will be extremely painful and decisive. I am anxious about losing him forever -- but I know I have to put dd first.

I recognize that this will propel him to defy me and now purposely set up a time for dd to meet OW and her children, behind my back, just the way they like it. Their whole relationship thrives on sneaking around, so of course the optimal situation would be one where I am haplessly in the dark. I have no idea why they enjoy making me their fool.

Dd just told me that when she went out with daddy last night, he bought "flowers for his apartment." So, now I'm sitting here trying to hold back tears on top of everything else. He used to buy me flowers and present them to me in front of his co-workers at work events, and announce how much he loves me. Perhaps these are for their celebration at home? Now I realize the flowers he gave me were all pretense, to look like a great husband in front of his colleagues, while he had this little thing going on behind the scenes. Inexplicably, he now has no shame whatsoever about parading this new relationship around these same people. And now he wants to drag our dd into it.

I'm rambling...time to turn off the pity party and (wo)man up.

Nah, it's ok to let it out here, just please don't let it turn into bitterness. Seems your ex and the OW are trying to make you and her hubby into the bad guys. Don't get caught up in their game.

You need to opt out of their game playing and don't let them use you. Start your own life and, as best you can, act like thay don't exist. It will be much easier on you if you can do this.

ok so I would hit 2 bird with one friggin stone....not only wold I send that letter regarding him IN NO CERTAIN TERMS taking DD to see OW...if you haven't I would expose...expose...expose...EXPOSE...let it all hit him at once like a tone of bricks...Expose to his/her work....Expose to his and her parents.....Expose to his closest friends.....include the plans he has for your daughter and how HIS OWN THERAPIST stated OW should not be introduced/involved to DD. He wants to be a coniving family destroyer who wants to ruin and leave you with nothing...girlfriend...FIGHTBACK and never die...because thats what he wants.....he wants you to fold. ****** like him really make me livid. I wish I knew where this work event was....I would go for you and walk up to them amid people and say you cheated on your wife with that.....Man you must have had some serious beer goggles that night or something to that effect. and watch the horror on there faces spread in front of there peers and colleagues....sorry just had an evil moment.

Yes -- I believe I am done.

Just returned from the escrow office. On the way there, I was battling with myself, thinking that perhaps I shouldn't sign the papers after all, make him sweat. But then I felt a calm wash over me, that seemed to say, "Let him go." I have enabled him all this time to be this dastardly. With me out of the way, he can now face the unstable world he has created.

Looked at WH's face as I was signing the final paperwork, to see his lips curl up in a slightly concealed smile that said for all the world, "Weee! I'm done with her. Next."

We walked outside and I said, "Well, I guess that's it." He tried to reassure me that this means nothing in terms of "us" by saying, "Well, now we have more money and we'll be more secure."

This is along the lines of the same crap he told our real estate agent, telling her how much he cares about me, and wants to make sure I have all I need. After this "rough patch," he says, he knows we'll be "best friends for life." This OW has nothing to do with our problems. We just can't live together. He's in no hurry to start a new relationship. Blah blah blah. Gag.

I suspect to get served any day now.

I didn't expect to, but I started crying after we parted and couldn't stop, all the way back to my office. I pulled over on the side of the road and called a couple of friends who didn't pick up. Then I started praying and I heard a still, small voice say: "You are free." You know how your life flashes before your eyes at your death? A part of me passed away. In that moment, I saw a swift-moving slideshow of all the awful things he did toward me in regards to women when we were married, all the things he expected me to endure. And a peace washed over me.

I began to craft my Plan B letter in my head.