If I am in the wrong forum, then please tell me so! I'll try to be short. Me and my now ex were married for 10 years and have 2 very young children together (8 y/o & 2 y/o). We had a very rocky marriage and we were both to blame. When I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, my husbnad began having an affair with someone that he met in a bar. It turned into a long term affair. I found out because of repeated infections that I kept getting that is so not normal for me. We had already talked about getting divorced when his affair began. We tried to reconcile but his affair never ended so we got divorced. He continued seeing the OW for quite some time after our divorce. Their relationship was very rocky also. She blames him, he blames her (I had a long talk with her). They broke up in July '07. I had no idea they had broken up. I had had no contact with him whatsoever during our divorce and afterwards. But, I contacted him by text message asking him if he wanted to have dinner with me and kids sometime. He came over that very night and immediately moved back in. Things went ok in the beginning, but I could tell something was not right with him. He stayed with me and the kids for 6 months. I had made a lot of changes and had told him that I was willing to do what it took to make this work, including counseling. He grew more and more distant. He hardly wanted to ever be intimate and when we were I felt that it was just sex to him, not making love like it was to me. I asked him to marry me this past Christmas Eve. He said yes. Then I asked him if we could do it on our anniversary (Valentines Day) and he said yes. He grew even more distant and I knew he didn't want this. I asked him to leave and told him why. I told him that I loved him and wanted this to work but I knew he didn't. He left and now won't hardly talk to me. He has been gone 2 weeks. He keeps sending me messages telling me what I need to do to make this work. He says he wants to work on this, but I don't see it. I told him that I have no other choice but to let this go because it's not fair on me to put my life on hold for him to decide if this is what he really wants. He answered, "that's YOUR choice. Just don't go around telling everyone that I left you"! My instincts are telling me that he is just playing a sick game right now. I wanted this to work so bad. It would have been best for the kids also. My heart is broken because he got all of our hopes up that we were family again and that this would work. Am I right in my thinking to move on with my life? Or should I just patiently wait on him to work on himself like he says he needs to do. He says that he needs to learn to wake up by himself and be happy before he can be happy with someone else. Please give advice.

Seems to me you are making it too easy for him. You talk of only you making changes. Those changes may be necessary, but you should make changes that better you and your kids' situation.

When you chase someone, they run. Seems like that may be happening here.

Make yourself better, and if it is to be, he will fight hard to win you back. Otherwise, you are better off without him.

Hard to swallow, I know, but probably for the best.

You're acting like a codependent. Please read about it. You need to learn to be ok with yourself - by yourself. Having a man with you does not make you a better person.

He obviously is not invested in being with you. You need to accept that, and work on yourself - for yourself.

If he ever comes around, so be it. Until then, you'll learn to like yourself and you'll be a better mother for your kids.

Two statements that tell me he is still all about himself:

and


To take back a wayward spouse, that person has to own up to what he did by having the affair, how it hurt you, he has to publicly acknowledge it to family and friends, and he has to make amends to you - based on what YOU need, not what he WANTS to do. He has done none of this. Therefore, he would just have another affair as soon as you don't interest him any more.

Sorry, but that's what it sounds like to me. Look up codependency, and start reading about it.

I guess that I could be co-dependent. But my main reasoning for wanting this to work is because I had the faith that we could have a wonderful marriage and family if we BOTH worked hard at it. We have 2 young kids and I wanted them to have the best life possible. True, we had a bad marriage before, but I truly believed in my heart that we could have something unlike before. But, he has chosen to go alone and he is only trying to string me along and this is why I have chosen to walk away. My focus now will be on MY life and my kids lives, not on begging him to come back.

Good choice, Connie, and good luck.

Please don't think any of us are saying that choice will be easy - it won't. It will be very hard, but you need to know that going in.

However, like all things that are worth it, it will take the hard work, then you will truly appreciate the result.