In Plan A, full disclosure is recommended - including telling the OP's spouse if possible. Our situation is tricky. first of all, I don't know the contact information for OW #1's H. I think I know how to contact her in-laws and her church. The tricky part is that she belongs to a religious sect that would shun her competely if her A was exposed. She would lose her family, including children and her community.

My FWH would hate me if I exposed her and it would likely destroy everything we have built up so far. I also would not want to take a mother away from her children (two have special needs).

However, I have discovered a way that I could expose her to her in-laws and make it look like OW #2 did it.

Any thoughts?

Hurt, if his affairs have ended, then you should be in recovery phase, not Plan A. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Secondly, the purpose of exposure is to end the affair and to notify interested parties, such as spouses. There is no need to expose this affair to the OWs inlaws and church. Instead, I would try and find her husband and let him know.

Hurt:

As Mel says, if you're in recovery---you're not in Plan A. In addition, exposure is a tool that may be used in Plan A; but it is situational in nature. If you read Surviving an Affair, the only exposure that is mandatory is that the betrayed spouse let the wayward spouse know that they know. Everything else beyond that is optional---and exposure is used as a tool to end the affair. Not to punish.

So, there's no active affair. What would be the purpose of any exposure at this point? And as a spouse in recovery (or even dealing with the affair), a very important part of establishing a track record of new marital behavior is to use the Policy of Joint Agreement. If your FWH would "hate you" if you exposed---then you need to present a case and brainstorm around something that you both enthusiastically agree with.

The whole premise of the MB concepts is to build romantic love in a marriage. Doing something extreme that the other spouse hates isn't going to help romantic love.

Ditto Mel.

If the affair is over, the only ones you need to notify are any BS's of the OW's.

There is occasionally an argument about this here, but my personal belief is that exposing to the OP's BS is not something that should be POJA'd. It is the right thing to do, and should be done no matter what, just because you are a decent person.

Neak:


From a moral standpoint, I am in complete agreement that notification of the OP's spouse should be done. From a marriage standpoint---Steve counseled me to have a POJA discussion and use safe negotiation techniques to discuss it. If you reach an enthusiastic agreement to tell---then you've killed two birds with one stone (built up balances in each other's lovebanks; and notified the spouse). If you truly cannot reach that enthusastic agreement AND it's morally important enough for you to do so even against your spouse's wishes, by going through the process respectfully and lovingly, you will mitigate some of the damage to your balance in your spouse's lovebank.

Thank you all for your good advice. I cannot notify the OP's BS as I do not know his contact info and have no means of doing so. I have tried all methods of locating him, but he is unlisted wherever he is. I do believe they are still together and OW is in counselling.

My FWH is totally against my exposing her betrayal to anyone.

Hurt:

Do you think that the OW's spouse knows about the affair (if she's in counseling)? And is there any overwhelming reason to contact the husband regarding health concerns (is your husband a STD carrier)?

If not, I'd probably drop this.

Hi K,

you're probably right. He at least suspects the A, maybe doesn't want to acknowledge it. My FWH might be an STD carrier as I have genital herpes (from before I met him). FWH went for full STD/HIV testing yesterday. At least we'll know if he carries the herpes.