She had an inkling from the 1st time. I'm sure of it. A real woman's intuition will never lead her wrong. I'm a male and I know that. Once you know someone, profess and put your all into them you know everything. A truly beautiful thing if it's reciprocal. If it's not though, there is no telling the damage that will be amassed. That's where WE are at the very moment. A few nights ago I had to tell the only woman who truly ever loved me I betrayed her not once, not twice, not thrice...more like for OUR whole life. Sorry for the rhyming. It seems to come naturally.

My life has been a constant "story", but it should have never been a precursor to a life as a youth I stressed I wanted. Someone to love me, and be for me, and to have my best interests at heart. I always felt I could return that favor....then I met her. She was the most beautiful entity I had ever laid my young eyes on and the best part of all was....she desired only to be all mines.

*At this time I'm sitting at our kitchen table...part giving her some space because of my shame for infidelity and so my music doesn't bother her. She came to be a few hours ago though, and before I arose I took that time to talk to the Lord and mentally focus and apologize to Him for my trespasses against His word and his precious child. For men when we mess up though..knowing what to do often escapes us. Should we go? Should we stay? I choose now to go attempt to slide back into bed without waking her...type it all out and look and wonder internally, literally why I'm still allowed to be graced by any part of her essence.

Love. she had it all figured out before I knew what it was about. A simple plan: Find someone to love, give them every ounce of self and recieve the same. I see now...from the onset where she was coming from. All I have to do is actually look at where she came from.

We met on the internet and it seemed to be instant chemistry. She and I both were coming off bad "relationships" where our respective "partners" had decieved us. Hers was much more though because I know she placed stock in it. I had many friends on there so I typed freely never thinking I would ever meet any of the people i addressed. We talked, and as testament to her she was more interested in my trials then in discussing her own. Through that time she helped me alot and subsequently we fell in love. There were a few concieved problems: My age (which I had lied about), her age (which she hadn't), distance (I was in the south, her in the north), and of course time. It was quick. A cumulative total of 6 months was all it took for both of us to feel we'd found the other half of us. I mentioned age before...I was freshly 19 at the time and she had just turned 33 (another "sign"...my b-day is the 2nd of March, hers the 1st of April. Yes my love is an April Fool's baby and by all looks now she's HAD to live up to that.

Aug & Sept. of 2003 proved to be pivotal months in the progression of life for the both of us. My home life (I lived with my mother, bedridden grandmother, and assorted siblings at the time) was stresful. As smart as I am I was mostly naive and stupid. My actions weren't watched so I became whatever was emulatable. I think now if I hadn't met this lovely woman who, or what would I be now. She pulled me out of the depths...period. I felt much stress and I don't remember how...but the idea came up for me to come here where she resided. We fell and were in love and there were many other added bonuses. A fresh new start for a rising talent (still haven't figured out what that is yet LOL), of course love, and a chance to immererse myself
in something that I had never ever had to pleasure of experiencing - fatherhood. She had a child from a previous "encounter" and was not involved with the father. So there it was...like the Holy Trinity of Divine Infinity...being in love in the Lord's love forever. So without even a 1st though I agreed. Never a imminent thought of my safety in traveling further then ever before, or leaving what I knew. I had found something for me no one could take or borrow. It was all mines. With that I packed my mere belongings and bid my native land adue. I was so surefire that this was the beginning of the neverending. All the pieces were there. As some of you who take the time to read this might've guessed..I was well unprepared. I had no idea how to interact in a new place, with new people, a new relationship. Let alone with a (at the time) 6 year old little girl whose only wishes were someone for her mommy to love and a daddy to love her. The schematics seemed plain but as I've learned from my proficient wife (we eventually got married), there are alot of ingridients involved in baking a cake and if the recipe calls for 3 cups of sugar and you only add one, something won't taste right. There are other variables involved on both sides but this is about us so I'll try to stay on track. FF..I'm here now. I have been accepted by her family. I met the darling child and I was with my new love. She and child lived with her mother in a house they shared evenly, from bills to wheels. It was understood amicably that I had many a purpose for coming but the only variant constant was love. She loved me and she wanted me with her so WE could be in love and the love could reign on the child and form something the 3 of us craved....a family. I was me though, and all the intelligence I possess failed. I was laxed with the cleaning, washing, straightening. Basically all the domestication. I was still in the "new place, new time" mode and I never considered that the comfort would come with time. So my woman at the time did it all with the help of her overworked mother. Oh...I forgot to mention. My bebe was the recipient of botched back surgery that's left her technically disabled and dependant on a Walgreen's pharmacy for full-bodied harmony. So yes..a young punk was so enamored he allowed her love to cover his lack of. She picked the slack up & that's when $#!+ backed up (Ok...I thought that was witty). After about 2 weeks of this her mom got fed up and unbeknownst to me started to act differently towards my love and to me. I didn't know why and her care didn't allow her to be as blunt as she could've been. So again she took bullets for me. I still was slow in the "getting into motion" and one day it came to a head when my wife had enough of what I was doing (and lack thereof)...so she called the police and had me removed from the premises. I can say it was a wake-up call. Even now the images of that day flood me. Maybe because I'm letting it out on screen, or because I'm simply talking. See I'm one of those guys....the "keep it inside till something trivial happens and we go off into a rage until we calm down and THEN were REALLY sorry but by then more damage is done so then we go off and screw it up sommore type fellows". I deserved it though. On top of not keeping up household-wise I was online still talking to female friends and "friends" alike. Whenever we had a spat to blow off that steam (yea I didn't know at that time you had to talk and stuff LOL) I would talk my piece. How I felt and what I percieved. Now with age and acquired wisdom I see how childish it was but sadly that's where I was. I often say I haven't reached half my potential, and she replies "I know". I did alot of creep things and never ever weighed the magnitude. Funny thing is all this transpired in a little over 3 months. It was a traumatic experience for her and I with her taking me back of course. She loved me and now I think I treated it with an infatuational touch. I didn't give her anything to make the life we were living seem worth it. Her loved masked what she may have sensed of felt inside. That's her natural self and the power of God because she could have left me in the cold. Could have not come looking for me after guilt consumed her. What she did though, was procure a place for her "man", her and her baby to live and love with no help from me what-so-ever. She did it all..which is a toast to her fortitude. She was forced to move from HER home where she had made her living before her physical injuries and start over. Take us out of the equation. The little one...the only home she had ever known and I helped take it away from her. Imagine how I feel now. Then though it was...what it was. I was riding with her but I see I wasn't down for her. The child either. In the beginning I was slightly jealous of her. I had this new...person and I desperately wanted her all to myself. So I was incarnate (I shall not mention the liar's name) to an innocent and a truly innocent. I know it wasn't me but there was no control. No amount of sorries I threw out changed anything and the years passed. The relationship degraded to the point of battle...then love....then war...then sommore love...then attrition. Then back to HER love.

She carried us. Financially, spiritually, emotionally, and every other "ually" you can fathom. I presume my lack of emotional investment was why it was easy to cheat the 1st time...Nov. of '05. Online chatting reared it's ugly head again. We weren't married at the time so I thought...what's wrong with "talking". Talking led to me meeting friends for what turned to be a weekend out with a woman who wasn't mines with a man who didn't belong to her. We did attempt to have sex but I think the Lord was looking out for me onc again because my friend didn't respond. So we did everything I could and didn't do with my lover. I didn't truly bother contacting my wife during this time frame...for obvious reasons. Also because I thought I was having fun. We had a discussion before she came to get me about "sewing oats". I had heard the term but I had no idea what it meant so I dismissed it and told her I didn't need too. Just for info I was a virgin when I met her, in more ways then one. Me and my "mistress" said our goodbyes and I came back home...or what i had left of it. See nothing really changed over the course. I started chipping in helping (sounds weird right...you don't chip in when it's supposed to be an "US"..you just do it because you love your mate). United Sights, combined lights but I descended our true heights in the heat of a few nights.

Me and the other woman had a few more encounters and I even invited her in OUR house (strictly to help her because she had no where to go one particular night and as bad as I was it seemed like the right thing to do?) That's where more confliction comes in. Even as an adulterer these women I knew in this way I tried to help, be it a ride here out there in the car my wife maintained for us, or lending money. What ever I could do for anyone I tried my best to do....minus one simplistic person who didn't ask for much but what she gave. I was still him so it didn't stop. One night during a spat i tried one of those local call lines and met a female who I later drove to meet. More favors, more deceit. In an area best described as decency I never had intercourse with these women. It was attempted but I guess not having sex was...too much? Something did change in me..and with us for a slight but though. I stopped looking for what I wasn't feeling I was getting. I thought I was done sewing if in fact that's what it was. I thought I had gotten away with it too. As I interluded with, women know. She could probably smell them on me, my breath. I was too stupid too care. Rockstar mentality with unmeasurable casualities. Then one day...as she described it was the low one telling on me after pushing me up to do...my guilt led me to write like....a 7 or 8 page letter trying to detail what I wanted her to believe I did and didn't do. At that time the smell of my [censored] was wearing off and I could notice she wasn't the same one. It was taking a toll onher and in the midst of this I was too caught up to care or stop being stupid to change it.

She took it how you'd expect and as callous as a defense lawyer I looked her in the eyes (the same ones may I add I had whenever I got piffed at here....you know the "how could you...selfish this....no good such and such" and promised to never do it again. This was shortly after we got married in the early stages of 2006. I knew I was wrong for entering a convenent with this woman without telling her the truth. Without admitting the truth to God even though he knew I'd be typing this. Even though I have made strides to see him I didn't then. I was comfortable...no doubt why I strayed again. I was the weakest link and he was let in more so to disrupt the Lord flow. No switch to cut off so without true repentance my life is cut shawt. (short with a country twang!)


I still flirted on the internet...phone calls and webcams. During this time too...I was unable to keep a steady form of employment so once more and contintually my wife was supporting the "family". I didn't even consider how it looked to one of the most gifted children you would ever care to know. I also developed a substance abuse issue. I allowed buddies I knew to enter different ideas and ideals into my head and I just made it worse. Through the end of '06 and the 1st half of this past year. Some things did improve. I started getting better at holding a job and in small spurts I think I started to show her she didn't make a totally dumb choice. Then came a great job (the pay isn't super but there are benefits) and even though I have truly done nothing significant to keep it I am blesed to still have this job. I just made a few mistakes regarding it. The two most devastating were once again straying. This time with two of my co-workers. You would have thought I learned the 1st time.

She knew...accepted it...she hated it but was cool....walked in the Lord's grace and forgave me even though I would often see it in her face and when her mind moved. Even listening to her...when she would speak it's like the evil one would make me know when it rolled across her. He just laughed while I felt the heat and she felt deceit because her chief was a cheat. Lower then an athlete's cleat and yet she still permitted me to sleep in between her sheets every day of each week. Oh yes she's sweet. I'm diabetic so she's extra glucose. Yes my body broke her down but we were too close. I'm killin' her by killin' us.Pursuing lust killed her trust. It's all burned up..nothing left but ashes and dust.


So from Sept. '07 till Jan. 21st, 2008, I was apparently content living this lie until the end of time. Then the spirits came to me again. Tormenting me, laughing at me, making my beauiful mind register all the possibilities I never took time to consider before. Biblically, my family was doomed if i continued. There's no telling how I have shaped the life of any children I may have, be it with my wife (if she still decides toput all of her on the line again), or whomever. My daughter now, who suffers from her own physical disabilities. The reprocussions are unmeasurable. Emotionally...there is nothing. I lied to one of the most loyal, truthful, faithful-filled women living. I destroyed the initial trust, then skewered the trust she was attempting to restore in me. Now I ask for a 3rd time...yea I would believe me too. Physically...let's just say I really didn't care. Even more so about myself. I was so disheveled by depression I stopped taking my medicine for diabetes and my heart in hopes of dying. Guilt is heavy. The god of evil...the lord of hate. Unofficially i served him well. I did his bidding unwittingly and it was covered by my own shortcomings. My love tried to tell me but when she spoke it's like she became one of the voices from the past that unsettled me. I was unable to understand and figure how she meant..."It's not about me". It came across and me not being important when infact she was just trying to show me a bigger picture most of us never take the time to see.

So I had to make a choice and of course I ran from it but one night before I went into work...I asked her to park and I finally verbally made her know how much I valued her love. Regardless of how it was first taken, I have been trying to put myself in her shoes, and my feet don't fit.

It was something I had to do...if not for a future us just for me. All the ideals I had in my in 4 years I was able to crush. I had unseen help but i was the driver. Now I don't know what to do. In missing what I had I now crave her. In the beginning a man could not have asked for more. Her every action and movement was precious and genuine. Now I feel like...it can never go back there. Some personal things won't ever but that's life. Now I have to make up my mind in the scope of her doing the same. I promised her I would never do it again...this time just like the last and she reminded me that I has said it before. She's right. I did. I wasn't totally truthful with her then so it didn't register. I detatched myself from real life trying to fill life with everything I never had and never at all thought where I was...how I was....this unity was made for. Now as she sleeps beside me...most likely still loving me but weary of trusting me, I'm lost in this new gray area. She now knows everything I never told her about the life she thought we were living and the secret life I did live. Like most cheaters, male and female alike, when it's really right I wonder is there still a Michelle Wie in this life FOUR! us. Even though I felt differently at the time there was nothing she did to ever deserve what I did to her. She is real. Kind, sweet, gentle, adoring...so many things. I feel like...

There are no words to describe how either of us feel. Yet and still she talks to me and does for me and I look on in amazement. I have never been loved like this, through anything like this. I had two chances to show her I was sorry and I did nothing with them. As she sleeps beside me I watch her as I've done for years..this time though I can look at her and feel. When she's awake i can now look in her eyes....as before I couldn't because I knew I was wrong. Everyone needs one love. If you're reading this don't do what I did. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.

She in life, is similar to Jesus. She too was betrayed.

That was a load to read, no offense intended.

These forums are pretty slow on weekends, but General Questions II has the most traffic.

I suggest that you boil down this post to 3-4 shorter paragraphs, and post it in General Questions, where it will get the most attention.

You should call the Harley's and get some intensive, hand's on counseling from the founders and operators of this site. You need very much to understand why your boundaries are so easily crossed, or worse, why you have very little in the way of boundaries.

Sorry no one has responded before, but this is totally a voluntary forum, and your post was a lot to read.

Get real and tell us what happened and someone might try to help you.

Your ADULTERY was not beautiful or poetic, why try to paint it as such?

Thank you Tyk, my thoughts exactly.

He cheated. What happened? What would you like to know so that you can attempt to help him. Im just curious, Im the one he cheated on.

Where is your relationship today? How are you? This site can be good for both of you.

I painted my wife as beautiful and poetic if anything. My post was 4+ years of life so maybe it should have been longer. I tried to include everything I could drudge up so I could recieve some help. I'm sorry it appears...however.

Where is our relationship today. If I had to place a title on it I would say the beginning stages of recovery but I no longer wish to put my thoughts on anything without my wife so let me ask her...

She says..where it was yesterday, and the day before. How do you "unmarry".

Maybe these questions can be answered by someone here. We're not divorced at this moment. We still live together. So what is it? I confessed my cheating to her. I guess it might be the aftermath of the truth.

She's never been cheated on by a husband and I had never been a cheater on my wife. This was the 1st marriage for both of us.

Im sorry for posting on his post, and I do believe I will start one of my own. I was really interested in what could help him. Now Im only interested in what can help me. I know it wasn't my fault he cheated, be it emotional or physical.

Yet, but..insert whatever word works, something went way wrong. Either I didnt do enough, or I did way too much, but as I said, Im only interested in making myself whole again. Otherwise Im no earthly good to anyone.

No apologies needed.

Please consider posting on General Questions II. It is a far busier forum, and you'll get a much better chance for multiple responses there.

You, indeed, are not responsible for your H's choice to have affairs. You may have had some shortfalls that made the marriage vulnerable, but he has 100% fault for choosing to look outside the marriage.

You both have lots to learn, and it is here and available in Dr. Harley's books. These forums support his teachings.

There are some wonderful, kind and helpful people here, and there are those that are more direct. Just know that all are well intentioned.