Amazin

My wife is Polish. I am italian. That is something she blames alot on nowadays. Many of my faults are because i am a f**kin [censored], or a giunea or whatever gross name she chooses to call me. I really am getting sick and tired of it. I never was a rah rah italian guy, but I am starting to be one.

If she grew obese and it turned you off, you would likely FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH HER. This happens ALL THE TIME. And if she cared about your feelings, she would LOSE THE WEIGHT rather than jeopardize her marriage. She told you the bandana turned her off.

Can you not SEE how ignoring her wishes has caused her to FALL OUT OF LOVE with you? Your wife TRIED TO WARN you and was ignored. She told you what bothered her and you did not change. THIS IS THE RESULT. She GAVE UP HOPE, I suspect.

But, this is not hopeless IF YOU LET US HELP YOU! It is in your wifes best interest to be in love with YOU and that can happen, but it will take some hard work. ARE YOU WILLING TO DO IT? If you are willing to do it, we can help you bring her back if that is possible.

Which category would you place yourself in?

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Melody

Your husband asked you to NOT wear something and you did!!??
Man, I love that. I haven't had that pleasure in so so many freakin years. I miss that so much. I miss the times when she did stuff for me. I never appreciated it enough. Damn.

It has gotten so bad, she has gotten to hate me so much, that I have this following story to tell.

I get home late. Usually everyone is asleep. I shower, i grab a bite to eat and I sit down to relax and read. Well from where I sit, you can see all the families shoes up against the wall. I like to put my shoes right next to hers, against the wall. I like the way it looks. I don't know, kinda like an illustrated kids book about the three bears or something,you know, pappa bear, mamma bear...... Well anyway, I like it,it makes me feel good, so I do it. Well, I started to find her shoes moved every morning. Every night, I would move them back next to each other, where they belong. This morning, all her shoes were gone, and now she keeps them in her closet.

MEDC, I would be AGHAST if my H went around in public wearing a bandana without shaving. And he would be upset if I went running around town looking like a tramp or a "Walmart shopper." Why would I purposely ANNOY him by doing that? His wife has told him it bothers him, and if he cares about her feelings he should lose the bandana!

I want my husband to be in love with me, so I am not apt to do things that will PREVENT THAT. And he wants me to be in love with him, so he is not apt to purposely annoy me either. Annoying behavior causes people to FALL OUT OF LOVE. So, he can wear the bandana all he wants, THAT IS HIS RIGHT! But he can SEE THE RESULT of that with his own eyes.

As Dr Phil would say: "hows that working for ya?"

That is so sad about the shoes, gabo, but this is not hopeless. Please believe me.

And yes, I TRY to make my H happy, because he tries so hard to make ME HAPPY. When I tell him something needs to be fixed, he FIXES it right away! When he told me my jogging suit embarrassed him, I changed into HOTTIE jeans and a top I know he likes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I do this stuff FOR HIM and it makes him want to do things FOR ME. It makes him HAPPY.


This is one of the MAIN PROBLEMS. When you are not there for family time, you are not an active part of the family. THIS CAUSES DETACHMENT. If you want your marriage to work, you are going to have to CHANGE THIS.

I didn't wear it around her, ever. I was only at work. She was upset because she said I looked like the help, not a business owner.

I also have a beard. The not shaving part was under my neck.
I kinda got scruffy. But I get a shadow in 4 hours. Sometimes I work from 4 in the morning to 1 or 2 the next day. Especially when a new restaurant is getting off the ground, a 18-20 hour day, 7 days a week for 2 or 3 months is not uncommon. Those times are tough.

When you are losing EVERYTHING, who wouldn't be a buyer??>???
But, my wife is the most stubborn woman in the world. Once she sets her mind to something, forget it. Even if she starts to see things differently, she will NEVER admit to any change because she has a real difficult time saying she is sorry or admitting she did something wrong. I really don't think there is any hope except a miracle. I tried for 6 months, following the instuctions from many books, just trying to make some of the anger go away. I didn't expect a love in or a hug or anything, I just hoped for a little less anger. It didn't happen. Her reaction to me was as if we had just fought an hour ago. It was real disheartening.

Ok?? So did you stop? That would upset me too. It might not bother other women, but it bothers your wife and that is what counts.

Did you argue and get defensive when she told you about this? Or did you agree and stop wearing the bandana?


Same response as above. Did you change it?


Tough on your marriage too. It sounds like your priority is with your career and not your marriage.

So are you.


So do you.


I think you need a completely different APPROACH. You haven't tried the things that I know actually succeed in helping a couple fall in love again.

Listen, I am not some overly optimistic pollyanna, but I think you do have hope. I think the problem is that you don't know what you are doing becasue this is all so confusing. It was to me too. You are floundering and just need some help from folks who have been in your shoes.

Many of us here had much worse marriages than you and we not only brought them back from the dead, but we have GREAT MARRIAGES today. I think if you try Marriage Builders, and keep an open mind about what you are doing wrong, you might be able to pull this out.

When you have a spouse who grew up in a family that held money up to the extent my wifes family did, its suicide if you can't earn enough.

This has got to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO WORK THESE HOURS.LET ME REPEAT. I HATE WORKING THESE HOURS BUT:

1. My wife wants a healthy 401 k
2. My wife wants our son to go to boarding school.
3. my wife want to NEVER EVER TAKE OUT A LOAN. That means CASH ON THE BARREL HEAD FOR MOST THINGS.
4. When Ididn't own my own businesses, I used to work 2 or three jobs at one time. My wife NEVER EVER EVER said to stop. Now, you have to understand that my wife ALWAYS told me if I was doing something she didn't like. SSooooooo,,,,,,,,,,, put two and two together.

I don't want my wife to seem like a money hungry wench,because she isn;'t. She isnt one for fancy cars or huge houses, but she doesn like a healthy bank account, a big fat retirement account and never having to worry about money. Where the ****** does that leave me??????????

And sorry, you are waaaaay off base.

I have said Im sorry in one week more than my wife has said in our entire marriage. There is not a stubborn bone in my body.

Right now, my wife hasn't SAID A WORD, NOT A WORD to me since January 1, 2008. I have done many things wrong, but being stubborn is NOT one of them.

How can a DEAD PERSON commit suicide? Isn't your marriage almost dead right now?

I would do ANYTHING to get my wife back.

But, right off the bat, if this plan, in any way, relies on my wife haveing to make ANY uncomfortable, stike that, any effort whatsoever in making this process work, I hold no hope. This would have to work IN SPITE of her, not because of her.

But I am willing to listen.

Dead?

If I told my wife I was closing the restaurants so I could spend more time with her, she would pack my bags for me!!!!!!!!! Trust me. I lose this income, that would be the final straw.

your wife is a spoiled child...this goes way deeper than you realize.

How about starting by getting the book Lovebusters and Fall in Love, Stay in Love book off this website? I think that is actually where you should start.

And I understand you need the income. But you have to find a way to keep the income and cut your hours, gaba.

Could you swing counseling with Steve Harley? He is sometimes pretty good at softening up withdrawn spouses. He does phone counseling for $185 and is worth every penny. He won't waste your time with a lot of nonsense. What he does is assess your situation and gives you a PLAN. But in your case, I think the greatest benefit will be in bringing your wife in and giving her some HOPE. It sounds like she has given up HOPE.

Why are you under the impression that you are the one who has to leave? Is this not YOUR HOME TOO? Just an aside, if she ever tells you to leave, don't do it! It would be a terrible mistake that would harm your marriage and hurt you legally.

gaba,

You can begin on your own. It may or may not encourage your wife to join you. The VERY first thing on your list has got to be stop lovebusting. Please please....read the section on the mainsite and identify your lovebusters. (hint: concentrate on the disrespectful judgement and annoying habits). Trying to build intimacy without stopping the love busters....is like trying to fill up a bucket that has huge holes in the bottom.

Take this first step. Eliminate the things you know your wife dislikes. Commit to making changes that you can sustain....because she won't believe them at first and she'll be skeptical that you intend to keep it up.

You need to read the material....or read it again....because you your marriage is bleeding out and the first thing you need to do is stop hemorraging. You can't make her change....but you can make her WANT to change. How? By concentrating on the only thing you can control....your own behavior.

For infidelity problems....this board is the place you want to be. These folks have the most experience helping with that issue. But for the kind of problems you're facing in your marriage....you might find the more people who are in the same spot as you are over on the Emotional Needs board. I'll look for you there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

starfish is right about EN having more ppl who are in this fix, however, this guy is a handful so maybe he is right where he should be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

gabo, here is the article that starfish mentioned. I agree very much that lovebusters should be the first thing on your list. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

GABO, you have TWO threads going with the same stuff?? What is up with that? It really would be best to stick to one thread in one place, you are already confused enough!