Hello. I am new to all this and for obvious reasons, as the hurt partner, wish I didn't have cause to use this website!! Please give me some advice. It's probably easier if you read my profile, then you'll see where I'm at. Anyone out there been in the same situation? Is it possible to recommit to a marriage while still having work contact? Speaking from experience, I've discovered an "emotional affair" to be as devastating, or more so in this case, as a sexual affair. Anyone had similar experiences? Does the hurt ever go away for the betrayed partner, or is it better to cut my losses, even though I still love my husband deeply? Is it too hard to live up to the image of the other woman? Does the trust ever come back? So many questions, please help.

So he's still working with her? after all these years? ouch.<BR>It will take a lot of patience on your part, to figure out what needs to be done and lead him down the right path. It is really great that you are getting professional help for yourself-that is a perfect place to start.<BR>I am not in a similar situation, but there are a lot of people here who are, and will be happy to help you through this.<BR>We all have up days and down days, and are here for each other, no matter what.<BR>I'm sorry you have to be here, but it is a good place, and im glad you came.<BR>julie<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Thanks "love WAS blind" (julie) for your reply. Please check my profile again as I realised the second part of my story wasn't posted, so I have rectified this. As you will see, he does't work with the 1st OW any more, this is a different one!!! The story is more complicated than you saw!!

Wow, sosad, your situation is similar to mine (only worse).<P>Yeah, I've got the same thing...low self-esteem, co-worker, H relates better to women, yada yada. Read MY profile for info. H has never told me his friend is his "soulmate", and he no longer works with her (though she is a vendor to his current company and she did get him the interview for his current job, which he's now in danger of losing, but that's another story).<P>But the problem with your guy and mine, and this "relating better to women" thing is that I'll bet your guy needs a lot of "nurturing" too. Are you somewhat "less there" for him when these things kick up?<P>My guy is a bottomless pit for nurturing, and it was when I was occupied with grad school that he turned to her. Indeed, as recently as March, if I wasn't nurturing enough for him, he turned to her.<P>I can't speak for your situation, but a "nondisclosure plan A" has helped me in lessening his dependency on her. I've just pumped love units in like mad, not gotten on his case about her, and it has helped.<P>Of course, now he fears getting fired for other reasons, so he's depressed for other reasons, and one thing about plan A -- it leaves YOUR OWN bank pretty depleted.<P>However, if he's with you, you have the opportunity on working to lessen his dependence on her. You might want to try it. My H has never been understanding of my feelings about his friendship, or whatever it is with this woman, so I've been pretty much on my own. But if your H seeks out women for friendship/solace/nurturing/whatever, unfortunately it means you have to be on your toes.<P>Good luck, let us know how it goes.

sosad,<P>Hi and welcome. Reading your profile, it sounds like your husband is me. The situation you describe is exactly me to the tee!<P>Based on what you say at the end of your profile, it sounds like you guys have a great basis for starting over again. He says he realizes that he does indeed love you. Big step! I just wish I could wake up with that realization one day. I'm pretty miserable right now.<P>You are very lucky that your husband has now decided that he wants to stay with you and work on your marriage. Keep with it. Keep working! And post here whenever you feel discouraged. The people here are great!<P>--airheart

sosad-Things will get better, the first sign is that your H seems willing to work on your marriage-it is the first step for you both. You yourself seem willing as well that's another soon you will see step after step after step and they will get easier and sometimes a little harder but each step in the right direction will lead you both to your desired destination-Together!<P>The most brilliant colors of plants are to be seen on the highest mountains, in spots that are most exposed to the wildest weather. Trials give brightness and blessing to life.<P>God Bless

Thanks to those who have replied so far, especially Airheart, as you seem in a similar situation indeed to my husband, although I don't know how committed your wife is to rebuilding. For me, its got to be about wanting to be with your partner and trying to work things out, not because you have to, or because your marriage vows tie you to it. Lets face it, infidelity already breaks the major vow of marriage in the first place, so staying together just because you are married, and not truely believing you can be happy together is a waste of time. This is where I'm at, and I'm trying to make sure my husband knows I don't want him to stay with me just for the kids etc, but because he wants it to work, despite the hurt, pain and effort it will take. Without that belief, I don't feel anyone will be really happy. I believe this is the first time we have really able to work on our marriage together, now there are no more lies. Remember, he had another OW before, whom he never told me about, but has had the courage to do this now... despite all the hurt this has caused me, I believe this was important in cleaning the slate, so to speak. Airheart, do you work with your OW? Were your affairs emotional or sexual? Having dealt with both (even though one is current and the other in the past), the "emotional affair" has been far more threatening to me than the other, because it has caused him to feel an intensity of feeling that has never had a chance to be brought back to reality. It seems to have warped his sense of perspective about real relationships and the problems they all have. I need to know if my husband is in fantasy land believing he can just work with her and not keep on wanting her. He seems to be in withdrawal, even though he sees her daily, which I take to be a good sign. The other difficulty I have is the fact that he didn't "choose" me instead of her, she was denied to him..I guess he could choose to be away from me on his own, but I can't get away from the feeling of being second choice in his life, a consolation prize I suppose.

sosad, <BR>Yes, I know exactly where you are coming from. My h met OW at business trip. Claimed to 'emotional' too, but not so. My h also claims he never loved me, he loves another, he is "energized by her'. H says she meets all of his needs, which I never was able to. My h is also one of those men that loves women. I believe now, that he is deperately searching for a mother figure, one which he didn't get growing up. Although I have no real good advice, couseling is the best thing to do for YOU. Yes, the pain of the betrayal will lessen, although I don't believe it will ever go away. I think that if your h is really committed to making your marriage work, he needs to find other employment. Seeing her everyday will only make matters worse. Have you looked into Plan A/B. Those are very good guidelines to follow in this situation. It sounds like your h does want to work on this, great step. We are all struggling here, and I think that we all wish we didn't have to be here. Good luck and keep posting. Everyone here is super.

sosad,<P>I wanted to respond to you, but the story is so long that I posted it as a separate post. Please read my post entitled "my week in hell"...<P>--airheart

sosad...<P>I've repeated my story in a few threads on here but yours is close to mine. Married 20 years this nov. Discovered "work friendship" via love notes 2 years ago in my wifes clothes. She denied but then fessed up, swore to me NO SEX and it was a case of him pursuing her and her just being his friend. I made a feeble attempt at Plan A on here back then and it worked for a while but I got selfish and withdrew from her. I started chatting on the net last winter and found great solace with women I talked with... I had a brief affair and stopped it... all the while thinking my wife had stopped yet knowing our emotional attachment and sex life was all gone... well BOOM on Sat she admitted she'd been having a full affair with him the whole time and that she's deeply in love and wants to be with him. I allowed her to continue working with him 2 years ago, Trusted it was what she said and "over". Don't make my mistake. No matter how bit the job, the pay, the benefits it is simply not possible for him to have ANY contact with her at all. Dr Harley states it so clear, I hedged on it and am so sorry I did because my task is now Much more difficult and longer. If I'd of been stronger and more resolute 2 years ago, we might be through this thing by now. By the way, I beleived 2 years ago was an emotional affair and to be sure, she revelation of her having sex with him all this time was not near as shocking at the LOVE part of it. I truly mean that.<P>The facts he wants to try and says he loves you are huge advantages. You cannot DEMAND anything but if he wants to try, you must make it clear he cannot ever have contact with OW again. That is the first major step.<P>I have found, this 2nd time, I'm a better man and am ready to fight this fight despite the fact it's "round two" and I'm down for the count. I've learned SO MUCH on here that whether my marriage is saved or not, I am becoming a better man for me and therefore for my wife or any future woman I may have a relationship with.<P>TEX

Sosad - your situation is nearly identical to mine: first affair several years ago with cworker - I recently found out about that one. He says it was just "lust". My husband was prepared to divorce me about seven months ago. He revealed his affair (emotional - not sexual) with a coworker about six months ago. He had withdrawn emotionally from me for some time. The coworker met all his emotional needs. He felt our marriage was dead - the problems were all mine and he described them exactly the way you said your husband did - my low self esteem and our different communication styles. I was in counselling but nothing I did seemed to help our marriage - he had checked out and I know now why there was no way I could reach him as he was head over heals infatuated with his coworker - yes, I believe he thought it was "love", but it was only passion. He thought she was so perfect. I still sometimes feel (though I don't share this with him) that I could never compare with her. Like you, the ow is still in the picture as they still work together. My husband tells me it is over and he feels nothing for her. He says he wishes he didn't have to see her as it is just a reminder of a very painful period in his/our life. We are working very hard on our marriage. My husband is convinced that it can work even if he and the ow continue to work together. I am not always so sure - this is one of the hardest areas of our recovery for me. I am trying to figure out what he can do to assure me their affair won't be rekindled so I can feel safe again. Like your husband it is just not practical for him to change jobs as he owns the company and you just can't "get rid of" the ow/employee without lots of potential legal ramifications. (I wish she would have the decency to see what she has done to our family and get out of our lives)<BR>To answer some of your questions: I believe an emotional affair is much more devestating and threating and the greatest betrayal of all. The hurt will probably never go away but I think with time it lessens. The more time that passes with my husband showing me he is committed to only me the more I have begun to trust again. My husband is also in therapy which I believe helped him to see his affair was not "real" love - it was a fantasy he created. We both contributed to problems in our marriage - I buried my head in the sand and he chose to have an affair. <BR>If you love your husband deeply and he is truly committed to focusing on the marriage and exploring what went wrong, I believe you can end up with a much stronger and better marriage. So far, my husband and I are closer and more intimate than we've been in seventeen years even though the ow still works with him. I do think it is helpful if, in addition to marriage counseling, both of you are in individual counseling too. <BR>Our situations sound so similar I would hope we can keep each other posted as to our progress and perhaps share ideas on building trust when the coworker/ow is still around.<BR>You can do it!!!

Sosad - your situation is nearly identical to mine: first affair several years ago with cworker - I recently found out about that one. He says it was just "lust". My husband was prepared to divorce me about seven months ago. He revealed his affair (emotional - not sexual) with a coworker about six months ago. He had withdrawn emotionally from me for some time. The coworker met all his emotional needs. He felt our marriage was dead - the problems were all mine and he described them exactly the way you said your husband did - my low self esteem and our different communication styles. I was in counselling but nothing I did seemed to help our marriage - he had checked out and I know now why there was no way I could reach him as he was head over heals infatuated with his coworker - yes, I believe he thought it was "love", but it was only passion. He thought she was so perfect. I still sometimes feel (though I don't share this with him) that I could never compare with her. Like you, the ow is still in the picture as they still work together. My husband tells me it is over and he feels nothing for her. He says he wishes he didn't have to see her as it is just a reminder of a very painful period in his/our life. We are working very hard on our marriage. My husband is convinced that it can work even if he and the ow continue to work together. I am not always so sure - this is one of the hardest areas of our recovery for me. I am trying to figure out what he can do to assure me their affair won't be rekindled so I can feel safe again. Like your husband it is just not practical for him to change jobs as he owns the company and you just can't "get rid of" the ow/employee without lots of potential legal ramifications. (I wish she would have the decency to see what she has done to our family and get out of our lives)<BR>To answer some of your questions: I believe an emotional affair is much more devestating and threating and the greatest betrayal of all. The hurt will probably never go away but I think with time it lessens. The more time that passes with my husband showing me he is committed to only me the more I have begun to trust again. My husband is also in therapy which I believe helped him to see his affair was not "real" love - it was a fantasy he created. We both contributed to problems in our marriage - I buried my head in the sand and he chose to have an affair. <BR>If you love your husband deeply and he is truly committed to focusing on the marriage and exploring what went wrong, I believe you can end up with a much stronger and better marriage. So far, my husband and I are closer and more intimate than we've been in seventeen years even though the ow still works with him. I do think it is helpful if, in addition to marriage counseling, both of you are in individual counseling too. <BR>Our situations sound so similar I would hope we can keep each other posted as to our progress and perhaps share ideas on building trust when the coworker/ow is still around.<BR>You can do it!!!

I told my h. it would be easier to forgive and go on with him after ten sexual affairs in which he got down on his knees, begged my forgiveness, told me I was the love of his life and he'd been incrediably stupid and that he did not want to lose me instead of she was his perfect soul mate. I don't love you like I should..don't feel connected to you by the heart..don't know if I want the marriage. <P>She's out of the picture now (she died). She was out of the picture before she died for awhile until he saw her one day (I don't know if it was in the grocery store while we were shoping or out doing his job-but this was, apparently, a sign to him that it was God's will for the two of them to be soul mates). He convinced himself he would be with her in his next life.<P>Mine says he wants the marriage, he wants to love me again but imo, he is only half-hearted. I just appreciate the fact that its possible for them to wake up and find the love again. My h. emotional affair was definately a delusion and fantasy. He hardly ever saw her-just out about town and he could not forget her. Get your h. out of there.<P>If it were me, I'd get as far away from her as I could. My h. carried on this relationship with ow for three and half years while she was in her grave. She spoke to him even from there.

Thanks everyone, your advice is invaluable. Simone, trusting is so hard when they work with the OW isn't it? It only takes a few minutes to destroy a lifetime of trust, and then takes a lifetime to regain it.