Well I just found out today that my w of almost 11 years cheated this past weekend (our anniversry is the 27th). I've been suspecting for a while w/ no proof so it was just speculation.

She went out w/ the girls last Friday (w/ my encouragement) and spent the night. I had no problem w/ that since I knew the girls she went out with. Well why she was out I just happened to check the computers history. I was checking on my sons activity when I noticed that she had been searching for an old boyfriend on myspace. She came home about 9:30 Sat morning and me an the 2 kids (11B & 6G) were alread up. She said she was very tired and I told her to go rest. We had a birthday party for a friend to attend that night.

When she was asleep I checked her phone. She had called me at 2:12am to tell me they were at home and she was going to stay. I told her before she left that I would rather her stay than drive home drunk. Anyway I noticed that she had called our friend from around 3:00am to about 5:00am so that was weird since they were suspose to be at the house togeather, also she had about 4 calls at 2:06am thru 2:09am from another persons cell. I called the cell and it was a girl so I think it was the other girl they went out with. No biggie but made me wonder if she was in for the night at 2:12 when she called me and the girls spent the night togeather why was she calling on the way home?

When she got up she got into the shower and while she was getting dressed I looked at her panties and they had stains that were not her usual patterns (I do laundry and can't help but to notice the stains sometimes). To me they looked to sparadic not in the same area as usual, so I put them in a bag and hid them in my gym bag (didn't want her to wash them.

I asked her after the BDay party about the exboyfriend and the late calls. She told me that they boyfriend was a mistake and she was just courious how his life turned out (he moved up North while they were dating in High School). About the late calls she said that she went out to get a pack of cigs and got lost. The calls were for 4-6 mins in range and about every 30 min so it was believeable. I forgot to ask about the earlier calls.

Well today I got in my CHECKMATE kit and tested the panties from that night along w/ a pair of her panties from Monday nite when we had sex (1st time since Dec. 28th). Well I followed the directions and both pair came back positive for semen.

Wierd thing is, I'm not angry or anything. Anyway she works 3rd shift tonight and we were planning on doing dinner and movie Sunday for our Anniversery. Well I'm thinking about waiting till then and wrapping the stained panties from the night out w/ the girls in w/ her present and card and have the discussion then. I just don't want to discuss this around the kids and that will be the first time we will be alone.

Any help or advice on why I'm feeling this way please let me know. I just really don't want to hurt the kids.

Thanks guys/gals and sorry for the long post

Wow, that sucks. I guess you see now that "girls night out" is not for married women.

Did you notice some of your inconsistencies, maybe due to you making excuses for her?

You said it was ok for her to stay there rather than drive drunk, yet as soon as she gets there she drives out for cigs?

Anyways, be assured she will deny, deny, deny. You may want to get more evidence, even though it sure seems you have enough. I wouldn't mention the panties from Monday night, she will just say both panties show the same from your sex. Or, was the Monday after her Friday activities? In that case, she has nothing to say, but that probably won't stop her.

I'd make sure you can stay composed. Just gather info at this point, don't make decisions, or tell her any more than you have to about your "snooping," since you don't want to give away your sources.

Good luck, she has put you in a hard place.

Yes I began thinking about her going out to get cigs on the way home. If she was ok to drive then why did she just not come home?

I'm doing alright composure wise. Like I said I'm not mad or sad or anything. I feel dissapointed due to the fact that my main need in our marriage was sex and since the begining it has has declined from 1 time a week to 1-2 times a month. We have had discussions and counseling but it did not seem to help. I've really picked up my end and try my hardest to meet her needs and she has stayed the same if not let things get worse.

She says she is happy but her actions seem to say she's not.

Actions do speak loudr than words. You seem resigned to the facts, which we both know what they are.

Like I said, this is a good time to stay calm and just collect information. That is your best course of action right now. I feel for you. It sucks to be cheated on.

Set,
whats your thought on having the discussion on sunday and giving her, her aniversery gift and the panties. It may just be me being spiteful right now but that's the way i'm heading.

I'm not thinking it's spiteful, but showing her the undeniable evidence. Now, remember, undeniable to people living in reality, not fantasyland.

I like to sleep on big decisions like that, and if I still feel the same in the morning I go with it. But be ready for her to deny and try and turn the tables on you. It's a defense mechanism of cheaters.

pbw
.. take some time and re think the "panties" confrontation.

THINK about how you would feel if she did something like that to you.. think about what you really want to convey to her. Do you love her ?
jerseyboy

jerseyboy,

to answer your question yes i love her, but with what she has done i don't know if i can be whith her anymore. sex was my main issue in our marriage (not enough) and then she sleeps w/ someone else.

i want to convey to her how hurt i am and not understanding why this has happened when she says she is happy. i have not done anything like this to her so why should i care how she feels about it. she is the one that cheated.

Just a thought here....

Do you think this is the first and only time she's done this?

If it is, and this was a one night stand... It will be much easier to recover and save the marriage as opposed to an affair where you're wayard spouse thinks they are "in love" with the other person or that they have found their "soul mate"

If you do nothing, I gurantee you she will find someone to fall in love with and then you will have a much tougher road.

Just a thought

House

Not if his WW is in the practice of having one-night stands with other men.

i honestly do not believe this is the 1st time, but i have no proof of any other times just where things do not add up right.

i know they went out w/ a couple of guys that were friends of a friend and were suspose to be the dd's. she even told me about them when she called after they ate dinner (one was married but lived out of town and one of another race).

when she called me to tell me that they were home for the night, i asked about the guys and she said that they left and it was just the girls spending the night. i have my doubts now that they left.

the friend she went out w/ is a very good friend of mine also, i honestly believe that my wife would be too scared of her telling me to do anything in front of her. i'm not sure when this could have happened, but am wondering when everyone "passed out/went to sleep".

I don't want to involve the friend yet due to harming that relationship between her and I or my w and her.

That friend is hers, not yours now. If she was a friend of yours, she would have already told you what happened - we both know it wasn't innocent.

I think for your sanity you need to do the panties thing. Then, if it doesn't help, I would stop exposing and just gather info, not letting her get a whiff of what you are doing.

However, if this is a final straw for you, just give her the boot, don't spy anymore. It would just hurt you.

Good luck, this is a nightmare.

i know that the friend is more of a friend to me than to her and if anything happened that i'm 99% sure she would tell me. i honestly believe that what ever happened either happened away from the friend or after people were asleep.

i'm not sure what to do anymore. i know i've got to expose this to her. i just can't wait to hear the reasoninig behind the stains.

Just be ready for anything and believe nothing. Stay calm no matter what she says, maybe even responding with just a, "hmm..." That will leave her guessing and stressing, and give you time to think about things. Stay in control, keep her thoughts on the run.

You being quiet will only cause her stress, and may get you more info than trying to force it out of her.

You may be right, that whatever happened did not happen in the friend's presence. I just wonder why the friend was out with her in the first place, and didn't tell you anything. That's just odd.

that was basicly my plan. trying to see what she would spill. the checkmate kit actually came w/ two kits so if she bucks at my inital findings i have the option of conducting the test in front of her and have thought about offering to have the dna sampled at a lab if it goes that far. i don't think it will.

as far a the friend, i knew they were all going out and had no problem with that. the friend and her boyfriend have been dating for years and my best friends. my w and her have grown apart latley (w never calls or keeps in touch w/ friends)but she still invites her out at times. they both told me that they were going to eat dinner and go out and have some fun dancing.

like i said i really don't believe the friend knows anything or else she would have told me. as a mater of fact the friend has told me in the past that she dose not trust my w. so we'll see.

i check in when i can and let you know how things go this weekend.

Good luck. Hope you don't need it.

Well she denied, denied, denied. Those stains could be from anyting and the chemical they test for is in viginal fluids also. She researched everything she could after we got home to disproove the positive test. She swears she did not have sex w/ anyone and that the guys they went out w/ left after they got home.

Her story about when the guy left has changed alittle but she made it out as if she had the story straight. Also her location for sleeping went from the couch to the futon. Which she was just calling a couch.

She asked me if I believe her or some test. She says she has never lied to me before. ? well except later during a conversation about another incident she comes clean w/ what really occured (she was w/ a friend). Well do I really believe that?

I'm confused right now and don't know what to do. But I am almost positive now that the guys did spend the night, and I believe that she did have sex w/ one of them.

Trust your gut. Do you have a history of being suspicious? Does she have a history of lying to you? If no on both counts, then you are thinking these things for a reason. WS lie, they will do or say anything to throw you off track, and it can be highly effective becuase you WANT to believe them.

What's the chances that that test is wrong? You still have the panties right? Tell her you're going to send them in for a DNA test, see what she does.

The "went out for cigarettes and got lost" story sounds a bit questionable. Perhaps it's more likely "went out for a rendezvous with the OM when the friend was sleeping and had to come up with an excuse for why I was out so long".

You mentioned before that you had the option to have a DNA test done. Have you mentioned that possibility to your W?

I mentioned getting the dna test done and she got defensive and told me to do what ever i felt like i had to do. she said that it gave her a sick feeling to know that she had done nothing but to be accused and have me believing what a box would tell me more than what she would.

i believe her story about the ciqs only because she had 6-8 min. conversating w/ the friend the whole time. it seem to go along w/ the time line. what i'm not sure about is after she got back home she said that the friend was already asleep and did not wake up when she tried to tell her she was back. that leaves an open oppertunity for her and one of the guys.

i am usually not suspicious. only when i believe things do not add up right and this is one of those cases. there have been others but i've believed what she has said because i had no "proof".

I have not checked fully into dna testing and the cost that it entails but i will.