I know that this issue is nothing compared to what most of you are going through, but I could use some advice on how to deal with this.

I've been married 25 years. The marriage has been fairly strong during most of it, but we went through a period a few years ago of extreme withdrawal and hostility towards each other. I didn't know if we could pull out of it and salvage our M, but by me applying MB principals, we did. There has been no infidelity by either of us. But... during our really rotten time, my H got a fixation and crush on my step niece who is in her early 20's. He claims it was only because our marriage was such a mess and he was so isolated and unhappy. She was visiting us when this happened and I'm almost positive nothing happened between them. We now live in the same area -- within an hour's drive and she is always at my family events.

I feel he still has some interest in her and it kills me. I used to get quite upset about it, but I'm trying to not get all bent out of shape about it, because it really erodes at the work we've done on our marriage and comes across like a huge LB. We will see her tomorrow night when my family is coming together for my son's bday. Here is what has me seething with anger... My H tends to let his hair grow really long and not shave until he has a huge beard. I've told him that I really prefer the way he looks when he has his hair more trimmed and his beard short. He just blows me off and doesn't seem to care what I find attractive. However, today he's cutting his hair and shaving. I can't help but think that it's because he knows he'll see her tomorrow.

I don't know if there's anything to be gained by saying anything about it and bringing it up, because he will just get angry with me and withdraw. Though we've made a lot of improvement from the darkest days in our marriage, we still have a way to go and I feel the relationship is still precarious at times. I can still feel a lot of anger and resentment in the way he feels towards me. I still have some towards him, though I'm able to focus on the good aspects of our R for the most part.

I feel like it's not an option to have this young woman not be a part of the family gatherings. She's not an OW. And I could be wrong that my husband is interested in her and fantasizing about her. I don't know how to approach this. We don't do well with relationship talk and because I've had meltdowns about this in the past, I'm trying so hard to contain myself and not bring it up. He claims he has so feelings for her and when I act like I don't believe him, he gets really annoyed with me.

Any advice?

Ouch, to quote a president, "I feel your pain". Are you saying that he does not acknowledge the EA he had with her? Did you do enough snooping to be sure that they were not and are not involved with each other? One thing you could try is to give him lots of positive reinforcement for getting the hair trimmed. You know, make this event your own--claim it. In some manner, let him know how pleased you are that he trimmed everything up and let him know that you take it that he did this for you. Give him SF and meet his emotional needs as much as you can and let him know how much you appreciate what he did.

But I hear how angry you are about your relationship and I don't want you to think that I am discounting your feelings. I am just suggesting that you consider trying to take ownership of what he did and maybe he will be able to look at his motivation for getting trimmed up as if he did really do it for you.

Keep posting and tell us how you are doing.

Sounds like he might be at the midlife crisis point. He probably IS trimming everything because he is going to see her.

How is he in the rest of the marriage as far as meeting your needs?

GrownUp,
I understand where you're comming from when it comes to talking to your spouse about somthing thats bothering you. Maybe if I had tried harder talking to my spouse when she did something that really bothered/hurt me I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now. Not being honest with my spouse about how I was feeling caused me to be resentful. Eventually all these little resentments built up to one great big resentment and it got to the point that my wife and I couldn't talk about anything. NOTHING. Had I acknowledged my feelings in the beginneng and addressed them in a loving way with my wife I would have been much better off in my relationship.

I read an excellent post about this... There's alot in it about your giver and taker. And alot about Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders...

Here it is...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

Hope this helps...

Thanks, so much, lake. That is really helpful advice. I was at my most irked when I posted, but I calmed myself down. I've learned to not just react and mouth off in the heat of the moment and to think and reflect. I'm the one who cuts his hair, so it rubs it in even more. But... I just stayed focused and tried to stay kind of loving, instead of snappy, like I felt.

And believer, I think it's highly possible that it was motivated by knowing he'd see her, even if he weren't aware of it consciously. He may or may not have been.

Amazin, I'm sorry your own situation has deteriorated and I posted to try to get feedback to not only try to fix our issues, but most importantly to keep it from escalating into a serious mess that may reach the point of not be salvageable. When we were there before, it was the most difficult thing I've ever been through. I'm determined not to let things reach that point ever again. And I take your advice seriously of keeping the resentment from building up -- then I strike out in anger and hurt and start the nasty, vicious cycle going. We both had so much resentment before, that it ate at us. I learned the hard way how fast it can spiral out of control and then one day, you realize that your marriage is nearly over and you don't even know how you got there.

So, here is the update. I didn't say anything, though I asked him why he was suddenly interested in changing his look. I didn't want to be snide and act like I figured he had some sneaky motive. So, it went ok and I was able to keep myself positive and happy. We saw my step niece last night and this morning.

I would say I'm about 99% sure that they never emailed or contacted each other secretly. It's hard to describe her, but she's not the most socially ept type of person and I don't think it's really in her universe to do it, if that makes any sense. And my husband wouldn't initiate something like that unless something were already going first. I did plenty of snooping for a very long time to put my mind at ease. We lived thousands of miles apart from my niece and even when we live near each other, we don't see each other more than a few times a year at family gatherings. She's a pretty girl and she's not dumb or anything. She's sweet and likable. And what sucks is that my maternal instincts and my natural desire to jump in and help people always kicks in with her. I set her up with a situation a few years ago that most young people would never get and she didn't have the talent or the vision to do anything with it. I also did things for her that the adults in her life didn't do -- like found a lawyer for her when she was injured in an accident as a passenger -- helped her with college decisions, etc.

So later, when my H got sort of enamored with her, it really hurt me that I had done all that for her and tried to make her the best adult she could be and the most interesting, confident and happy person. But to try to illustrate how she's not savvy with relationships, she's never emailed or called and she doesn't easily or naturally develop deep relationships. I know that she loves me and likely my H and I know she loves our son. We are her family. Yet, I find myself distancing myself from her over this and it's not her fault. I had a good time with my family over the weekend and I was myself and relaxed and happy, though I was still watching what was going on. I wouldn't be surprised if she has a crush on my H. He is attractive and exceptionally bright and interesting. I may be an idiot, but I can't see him having an A with her now and never a long-term R. And as long as I don't let our M slip back into withdrawal and animosity, I don't think he'll cheat.

He told me that he was only attracted to her because she's pretty, she was there and he was so terribly unhappy. He said that he thought that if any attractive woman had been around a lot during that time, that he would have been vulnerable, as far being attracted to them. He admitted the whole thing and when I'd freak out about it later, he was pretty good about it until he just got sick of hearing it when I'd bring it up occasionally or trigger if we saw her.

I think that my extroverted personality and ability to bond with people quickly, the way I understand and interact with my H -- all of that is why he loves me and why he couldn't be involved with someone like her. I don't want to get a false sense of security either. I found myself falling into an old pattern today of talking lots to her, listening to what was happening in her life and offering to help her get into grad school. Then, I wanted to kick myself and at the same time, I thought why should I become this person who wouldn't help a young person when I can?

I think I need to concentrate on fixing the issues we still have in our M and making sure my H is happy and fulfilled. We spend tons of time together, we discuss everything (except our R issues...), SF needs more frequency. He would be happiest with it every day. I am not having my affection needs fulfilled. Since we had some big backslides once we started recovering, he hasn't completely gotten over it and hasn't returned to the level of affection from before. I also feel this sort of distance and that he's annoyed with me at times. I don't know if I'm overly-sensitive and if these things didn't bother me before our troubled period or not. The affection and lack of endearments is truly there. I want to discuss it with him, because if he doesn't feel the right amount of romantic love towards me, we need to figure out why and how to fix it. I just dread bringing it all up, though. We've been through a very difficult last few years, unrelated to our M issues. And most of the time, we were under so much stress, that dealing with our M issues was more than we could handle with everything else. I think we can do it now.

My way of dealing with it all has been to try hard not to LB (though I fail terribly at times) and to fulfill needs. I've also tried to build our friendship back up to what it was before and get back the playfulness. I'm also trying to understand where I screwed up the first part of our marriage that allowed us to get to the point we were when it all fell apart. I always saw what he did that hurt me, but never understood how much I'd hurt him. Acknowledging how badly I'd hurt him is what really started our recovery. But, I messed up at one point and it threw us almost back to the worst point and it's been slow going trying to fix that damage. I can keep trying to be a better person and wife, but I think it would help to discuss the issues and see how he feels and what he needs and where he thinks we are.

Thanks so much for the insight. I'm glad that the weekend is over. You are all a huge help. I want so much to be happy together. If there is a possibility of an A with this person or anyone else, I just want to do whatever I can to prevent it.