WS and I have sold our house and I have a contracted amount of time to find a new place. I have found an apartment I really like, and the owner of it wanted to meet WS, as he is co-signing. This is because I told her we are separated, but we haven't separated our finances as yet. We met her this afternoon. He went out of his way measuring and checking out the apartment.

WS has told me that he will be happy when dd and I get a nice place and are comfortable. Of course, I can't read his mind, but the way he says it, almost like a script, it is as though this is something that needs to be accomplished before he can fully move forward with a new life with OW. Like it is on some mental checklist.

As we left, I thanked him for helping and I could see him melt a little: appreciation is one of his big ENs. Later, as we parted, he was looking me in the eyes and seemed melancholy. Thought I saw the fog lift for a moment. Wonder if it dawned on him that we're really splitting up, no more family home.

This is where I seek opinions: am I making a mistake by allowing him to even enter my new place? Should I keep looking for a new apartment where the landlord isn't so nosey? I am about to have a sizeable check from the sale of our home, enough so that I don't have to work for a couple of years if I don't want. Should alleviate my need to have his name on the lease. I don't want to participate in helping WS feel better about abandoning his family, by letting him help me.

Also, because his lack of respect for me is a major issue, I think I would rather show him that I am independent, got a place all on my own. The consequences for having an affair should be that he doesn't have any control over any area of my life. And then to Plan B him once I'm settled. Clean break. That's what all my gfriends advise. But then they aren't MBers.

At the same time, he likes to take care of me, it seems to fulfill an EN of some sort. Part of me wants him to be able to come to my place and feel comfortable there when he visits dd. Continue Plan A. But then I feel like he is cake eating, and I am back to my enabling ways.

Thoughts?

Depends. Are you in Plan A or Plan B?

You can make the apartment a wonderful home for you and your DD, which shows your independence. Then, you can invite him over for family time during Plan A. This is not enabling nor does it give him control over your life. It is part of Plan A-showing him what the M could be. It just shows him what he will be missing when you go to Plan B.

I don't think you should have him sign anything with you. You should get some legal advice on separating your finances etc. I met with a lawyer for an initial consultation about a legal separation right after my XH left because he had gotten a credit card and line of credit before he left and had charged them both up to their limit. I also didn't know what he was doing and wanted to protect my kids and I from any financial and legal consequences from his choices. In my state, you can extend a LSA for years. It isn't a final decree in any sense, but it does protect you from his choices.

If you are able to get a place on your own, I honestly would do that. Its a HUGE kicker to the WS and even in Plan A it is NOT a Lovebuster. Its a reality they MUST accept due to their own choices.

Also, you must set boundaries immediately - even in Plan A. I wouldn't let this guy step one foot into my apartment. You can still be civil and nice without allowing even a smidgen of cake-eating. Just make sure the place smells great if and when he comes to pick up your DD.

Its YOUR home, not his. He MUST be made to realize that ASAP.

Thanks, Lexxy!

You should go to Alanon.
I think you have a lot of issues as a child of an alcoholic.
Work on yourself.

You are enabling him to the Nth degree. Go to Alanon to learn how to establish boundries.